Building New Relationships

[Lizasoup]

Hello, I am new to this experience of sharing on line yet find myself in need of some support and guidance. I am involved in a significant relationship with a widower of 2 1/2 years. I have tried to be supportive of his grief process but feel stuck when he withdraws from me. Recently, we spent several days in Las Vegas for a get-away, but he became very mopey and withdrawn. I, incorrectly, assumed he was unhappy with me and it wasn't until our last evening that he finally shared that he was struggling with his grief as Las Vegas had been a "fun place" for he and his past wife. He shared that his memories of her are beginning to fade and he's fearful he will lose them. He, also, shared that he is questioning his "purpose" in life since he's still here and his wife is gone.

Mostly, I simply listen when he speaks about his past wife and try to give my support. I love this man and wish to be respectful of his loss yet I feel worried when he goes to these dark places in his mind. I have thought of some ways that we could try to blend our lives a bit more (his past and our future) but am reluctant to suggest them.

Are there others in this forum who are trying to support a loved one through their grief process while building a new relationship? I would appreciate hearing how you have dealt with healing/building process.

[MartyT]

Liza, my dear, welcome to this warm and caring place. You will notice that I've moved your post to a different forum, where I hope your question will be better noticed by those members you're trying to reach.

In the meantime, I'm attaching two articles I think you'll find of interest. The first is by Julie Donner Andersen, the author of an insightful and informative book I've read myself and highly recommend to you, Past: Perfect! Present: Tense! Insights from One Woman's Journey As the Wife of a Widower

1EmbracingTheLateWife.JulieDonnerAndersen.doc

HowToDateWidower.Gerst.doc

[kayc]

Hi Marty, it's good to have you back!

LizaSoup, it's easy to understand how you could feel he was unhappy with you, although it was nothing to do with you at all. Communication is so key! I think I would be straightforward and just ASK him what he is feeling/thinking when unsure. You could ask him if he felt another place would be easier to go to rather than a place he visited with his wife. Just let him know you are open to what makes him comfortable. He is going through a journey that is difficult and never-ending although always changing.

[DeeU]

Sometimes revisiting places where we went with our loved one triggers another grief spiral, no matter how much time has passed. You are wise not to take this personally. It is helpful to allow him his feelings and give him compassionate space in which he can express his grief thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, we feel disloyal when we can enjoy a place or activity with someone other than our loved one. It helps to remember that love expands....it does not take away. Whatever love he and his wife shared will always remain; however, there is room in the heart to let more love in without diminishing what was. Similar to a parent who has more than one child, the heart expands to love each one fully.

[Lizasoup]

Thank you to all who responded. Since I posted and reflected on the responses, including the readings, we've talked about our next trip to Vegas at the end of July. We decided to explore the old part of Vegas (which he and his wife never visited), to spend time in other casinos, and to talk about it if/when it comes up instead of squashing the feelings. Further, he decided to make a solo trip to Vegas and to visit the places he and his wife frequented.

It especially helped me to be reminded that love expands because I truly believe that.

[kayc]

It sounds like you've made progress! He is fortunate to have someone like you that is so caring and sensitive. I wish you well with it!

[MartyT]

I just stumbled upon this article, Liza, and thought of you and your widower: Forget-Me-Never: The Reality of Remarriage after Widowhood

[New Start]

First off my real name is Randy. My dad's passing last April has left me feeling even more isolated and alone. Ever since I ended up here in Phoenix and got clean and sober 17 years ago, I have been mainly on my own. Especially over last 10 years. Others told me at the funeral that they would stay in touch but I quess they forgot that my life has to go on with or without support. Actiing out in some strange ways but it doesn't involve drugs or alcohol so far. Even though, I have been thinking about it. Being that I stayed loaded-drunk for nearly 20 years, I am finding it hard to find a way to establish relationships now that I have to deal with reality. Being in this much pain has not been all that good on my recovery. You would be surprised what has gone thru my head since April 11th. Now I have to deal with the reality of probably spending another birthday alone in two weeks and then going to the grave site a week later for my dad's birthday. Which is going to seem really strange. Now have to get back to work. Hope at least a part of this makes sense. Being that I am in a brave new world this year, I am not sure of much these days. Peace (would add photo but it never lets me) Yes i am married, at least on paper, but she doesn't seem to be able to understand what in the heck is going on inside of me.