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Gf Broke Up After Death Of Father, She Left For Sisters Ex-Boyfriend..


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Hello I couldn't help but pop up again and throw in my two pennies worth but just wondering whether you still had her unblocked from things?

I know curiosity can be a killer sometimes and you want to know what they are up to, or think 'why should i care if they see what i'm up to' but i really think having them out of your life properly i.e. no contact and no access to their profiles is the only real way to move forward and give yourself some time and space to get through things.

I've done the block, unblock, block and unblock and out of sight and out of mind has helped me.

Just a thought :P

x

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She is the one that initiated no contact. Having contact with her didn't bother me. In fact, I enjoyed talking with her and it didn't hurt. Of course it probably hindered me in moving forward and starting to look for someone else.

But yes I have her unblocked from everything.

It doesn't really matter, her Facebook profile is closed for everyone but friends, and even friends have very limited access to her info. She never post anything either, she is only on Facebook to keep an eye on other. She doesn't even have a profile picture. So even if I look her up, I see nothing but who our mutual friends are. My pictures will on the other hand show up in her news feed, if some of our mutual friends like my posts. The mutual friends are all mine. I de-friended her, her friends and family the day she broke up with me.

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The fact that she thinks that you changed 180 degrees remind me of my ex, who went and tell to a common friend that in the begining he was really in love with me but then he realised that I was immature. Of course I don't care about his wrong judgement, neither I can take something been said under depression seriously, but it is also the same for me. I didn't change anything in my behaviour towards him. I told him a thousand time that I am there to listen to him and how coincidential can it be that he realised that after the death? Like one day before the death he was totally in love with me and sent me presents and one day after he start became distant.

Both the "180 degrees" and my "immaturity" lead to the conclusion that they cannot make right judgements at the time. That is why usually counselors told them to avid taking serious decisions during the first year. But no matter how irrational their decision is, we cannot change their mind or trying to convinve them that it is the other way.

But to me, finding another girl would have been the end and it would might even be easier for me because at the end of the day I would have an excuse to move on. Of course people's ego and the feeling of rejection always lead us to overreact and always believe that we lost something precious and that we cannot be happy again if this something doesn't return back. And od course it hurts more to know that you don't have control over a situation. Well it is only natural.

Read this article, I found it interesting enough. It says that getting over a break up is like trying to get over cocaine addiction
http://adoreedurayappah.com/category/rejection-blog/

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I heard someone say they wanted their ex to have someone else, they just wanted their happiness. Not me, I'd feel angry! I guess I haven't reached the "it doesn't affect me one way or another" stage yet. But I'd feel mad that he didn't come through for me but would someone else. After all, he pursued me, he asked me to marry him, he said he saw us spending the rest of our lives together...and then just breaks up with me with no explanation? It's funny after three years to still feel angry about it but I am. I don't feel he deserves happiness after how he dealt with me. Yet I care about him. How can that be? Love is such a strange thing...

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Well KayC I agree. Yes I know it is selfish, but I don't find anything wrong on being selfish in this way.

It is true that for my other exes I am wishing them the best. To have a girl and be really happy with her.

Of course I am wishing the best to this ex but not when it comes to a relationship with another girl. Why? Weren't I enough? At the end of the day he didn't even "try" me to see if I was adequate or not because we were only a few months together. And I am narcisist and so I don't see any reason for choosing other girlfriend. And although I know that it sounds harsh and maybe pathetic, I would prefer to stay alone for his rest of his life than choosing another girl instead of me, while he knows that I am still there for him.

That is why the finding another case scenario would be led to totally hate from my part.

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I am lucky in that Jim hasn't chosen to date since me, but I feel the same feelings as you. That's not to say I'll never feel different, but if after three years I don't feel different, I don't know that I will. I know the true test whether we're over them or not is indifference, not love or hate, and I'm not totally there yet. :)

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Thanks for the replies again. Every time I get a mail notification I open the page with excitement.

I had a real bad day today. It feels like I have to take a step back all the time. Apparently I am not finished crying over her. :-(

It's been approximately 2 1/2 months since she broke with me, and a little over a week since she wrote that she didn't want to have contact with me. I have had one more breakdown previously, much like today. That was a month ago, a week after she told me she that she was seeing this "old schoolfriend" (which was a lie, of course the sister's ex), that she had told me she wanted to go on a date with, when she broke up with me.

It took a week for me to realize that was how things were. About a week later I called my mother, in tears, and told her "my girlfriend is seeing another man", that even though I had talked with her about it almost every day. It simply just took that long before I really realized what was obvious to every one else!

Same today, a delayed reaction to what everyone would probably have told me long ago, "I lost her!" Which is exactly what I crying called my mother to say today.

She had an infatuation since a long time with this guy, back to when he was with her sister. Now she finally got him! I had a belief the whole time that this would just be a short lived adventure, and she would be back with me in the fall. Now I ask myself, why would it turn out that way. She has know the guy for a long time, from the messages I have seen, they seem to be in love.... And now she doesn't even want any contact with me. I lost her! :-(

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...and the last paragraph above is probably the answer to my own question "what is going on inside her head"?

I went working today. 2 x 5 hour flights - unfortunately plenty of time to think about her, and feel sad. The good news is that I am fully able to control it and shut her off when I need to concentrate on something. But the thing about flying is, that most of the time it's just as boring as sitting in the cabin as a passenger. With the autopilot flying hours on straight ahead, with not much other stuff to do, but to look out the window.

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Wikipedia: infatuation:

Because in common parlance, infatuation is extravagant or foolish love, an infatuated person, quite commonly, is someone who in over-valuing the beloved has mistaken beliefs concerning her or him'.[2] Some consider that 'perhaps infatuation can only be distinguished from romantic love in retrospect...others suggest that infatuation may be the first step towards love...can grow into a more mature love'[3] marks the first stage of a relationship before 'a bumpy, but nonetheless inevitable, transition from romantic infatuation to mature intimacy'.[4] In such a view, 'lovers begin as prolifically inventive, producing enthralling illusions about each other...only to be disappointed into truth'.[5]

..."only to be disappointed into truth"... There is hope! :-D

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Well all I know is, someone doesn't "fall in love" THAT fast! So unless there was something going on before (when she was with you), it's not likely she could already be deeply in love with this guy. But she could be fooling you on the first point. But that wouldn't speak well of her character and I wouldn't want her if that was the case.

The second thing is, people don't get over their love that fast...so give yourself time, cry if you feel the need, it's okay to shut it off in order to do your work, but give yourself a time/place to grieve her when you're off. It's part of the healing process.

I know it sucks, and I'm glad you have your mom and friends to talk to, it helps.

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In retrospect, I am sure something was going on. She drove around with him for various practical reasons in March and April. In the first two weeks of may they meet up ofter (didn't know at the time, but can see it from the messages). Then she broke up with me in the middle of may. If she was already facinated by him as a person for years (but never considered him as a romantical possibility because of the previous relationship with the sister), I think it may well have gone from fascination to infatuation in two months. And, who knows (besides her, maybe not EVEN her), to love in now further 2 1/2 months. I am still quite sure that the relationship was not of sexual nature until she broke up with me. However, I am quite sure that it DID become immediately after.

I am doing better now, after an evening of crying, talking, writing and thinking. The conclusion is the same as a few days ago, I need to MOVE ON.

I am by the way absolutely ok with crying. I don't see it as something to be avoided, it loosens up at lot of feelings. However, it needs to be in a controlled manner. Crying for hours without an end with no release at the end is not healthy. When I cry, in what I describe as a breakdown, I usually cry 10-20 min, and preferably while speaking to someone and explaining my feelings. Afterwards it feels like a relief. I had that 5 times in the last month, and usually in connection with some sort of realization of the current conditions. Other times I cry for only a min or two, and usually just from being sad, those resolves themselves without need to think, speak or express my feelings, simply by moving focus to something else.

(About those messages, if you break up with someone, don't ever let them backup your broken iPhone for you later on).

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True. Jim was on my cell phone plan, that was how I discovered he'd reconnected with Stephanie. She lives in OK, we're in OR, so it's quite noticeable esp. when it showed up as the first item on the phone bill, which happened to be on his birthday. Kind of a dead giveaway. I always went on line to get my bill right after the stmt cut so I couldn't help but notice when that's the first thing on the screen! I was hurt because he hadn't answered my bdy call...too busy talking w/her I guess (it was over an hour). I don't think he's interested in her beyond friendship, that's not what it was about, what bothered me was not telling me about it. Oh well, I don't have to worry about such things anymore! :)

Your pain will continue to lessen with each passing day...I hope for good things to start coming your way!

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Thanks KayC, I hope for good things for everyone here too.

The strange thing in my case is, I want to get her back and at the same time find someone new. Maybe that's a good sign, before I only wanted her back... Even if I find someone new that I am happy to be with, and even if i would not want her back anymore if she was knocking on my door, I think I will always feel sad about what could have been...

Probably can't be expressed better than Asaf Avidan's Reckoning Song:

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GuiltHaunted, you say that there wasn't any sexual relationship before. But yes I agree there wasn't. But is this enough? For me it is worse the fact that he started have romantic feelings towards him than just having sex with him.

And as a girl who have a lot of girl friends, I know a lot of girls who are like that. They find the next relationship before they break up with the previous and they never return to the previous. Sometimes they are very unkind to them to the point of hating them (yes I know 3 girls like that). Maybe your girlfriend falls into this category and it is good that at least you learn it now with the good or hte bad way.

I know that it is easier said than done, but why do you want a girl that he chose another guy to support her instead of you? If it is just for revenge ok I can accept it but nothing more than that. Grief is grief but if she feels better when he is around him for me grief is not related

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It's understandable to feel a little conflicted, but I agree that you are moving along and little by little getting over her.

Most of the people on here, their ex didn't leave them for someone else, but sometimes it happens and is related to the grief. Sometimes the person reminds them of their parent because they had a relationship with them, or they remind them of the loss because they were there for them, so they want a fresh start. I know it all sounds confusing, and it is, it's a muddle. Nothing about grief/loss is easy and sometimes it gets really complicated.

The thing to remember is, we can't control them or their responses or decision, we can only control us, and it's so important for us to focus on what is best for us and go accordingly with that.

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Hi again, thanks for the replies.

Pollera, I agree that in any relationship it's worse if one falls in love with someone else, than having sex with no feelings with someone else. Both are of course bad, but probably shows completely different problems in the relationship. If a one night stand is "an accident", it probably doesn't do as much damage. One falling in love with someone else, on the other hand makes it very difficult to salvage the relationship (my case as an example of that).

Whether or not you can tolerate either, I guess depends on your personality. I never experienced someone being unfaithful to me, so I can't say how I would react to such situation. I did however, have a girlfriend leave me for another man before. A half a year later she came back to me (after 4 months of no contact) and left the other guy. She told me that her life had been hell the 6 months we were a part and she was missing me like crazy the whole time. For that reason I could forgive her, but the circumstances were a bit special in our relationship. We had been friends for years before the relationship and the other thing was that she was a lot older than I. Afterwards we had a casual relationship for a few years, and then decided mutually only to be friends again (there was never a second breakup). We still remain best friends, and she is one with whom I talk about my current problems regularly.

For that reason, it is not a problem for me to get back together with my current ex again if she should decide so in the future (and I still have feelings for her at that point). To me it would be a great sign of love if she would decide for me again, since it would mean she would find me the better option and her feelings for me would have survived being with someone else that she at the moment is in love with.

The fact that she would have had sex with someone else in the mean time, doesn't bother me. I am free to do what I want too. We both had other partners before the first relationship too. If we were to find together again, I would look at it like a new relationship, just like the first one - where both had other partners before.

I have no idea if it will happen or not. Maybe she is like the girlfriends you have, and have no feelings towards me at this point, other than (unjustified) hate. I don't know, since she no longer communicates with me. :-(

She has been switching between being extremely nice and being very hateful.

I have asked her several times about her feelings, but she wouldn't talk about it. The only thing that I could get out of her was over a month ago when she said (with irritability in her voice, from me asking her) "You know me! I am not made of stone". That is the only thing she has said about how she feels about me since the breakup. I have poured my feelings out for her (big mistake I know).

KayC (and Pollera), yes I don't know either if grief is related or not, that she has chosen him over me. But her grief certainly affected our relationship up to the point were she decided to break it off with me. And maybe I was too much part of the painful situation that she saw him as an escape to a more bearable life. Nobody except for her knows, and she won't talk about it (maybe she doesn't know either). I would really like to know, as it would be easier if she would have told me that she thought about hooking up with him and leaving me long before her father died. Then I would know that there is nothing more to come for. I guess that I will either get that answer in the future or I won't care anymore about the answer when time passes. But right now it bothers me not to know what led to this decision and how she actually feels.

With the other woman that left me, and came back, I got all the answers. The underlying problem was lack of commitment (in retrospect due to the age difference) on my part, which led to a lot of fights. If you read my first post on relationshiptalk.net (linked in the first post http://www.relationshiptalk.net/gf-broke-up-after-father-died-ran-of-with-sisters-ex-gf-38040331.html), you can see that my recent relationship suffered from commitment problems from my side again, but due to me being in a foreign contry and uncertainty about my work situation and if I could stay at all. Staying together with her for almost 4 years and in the end moving in with her and her father, being by her side through the death of her father (until she shut me out) was my way of committing, but maybe this also plays a part and was not enough for her. I made sure to tell her many times, after her father died, that his death had made everything more serious for me and I was certain that I wanted my future with her, plus my work situation now has reached a point of stability that I could see myself having children with her. Before that all happened, our relationship was more like "let's take one day at the time", though I never gave her any reason to think I would jump ship at any time.

Everything she wanted throughout the relationship, but where I was holding back, she could have now (not because of the breakup, I had those thoughts before and communicated them to her too). From "the messages", I can see that she wasn't listening (she wrote her sister that "I turned 180 degs and now wanted to get married an have children", after she broke up with me). I wasn't turning 180 degs, I told her that all the time after I moved in with her and after her father died. It's very ironic - she wanted a lot from me through the 4 years (marriage and kids), which I wasn't ready to give. Now I am, and she now she doesn't want it.

KayC, you are 100% right, I have to focus on myself and that is what I'll do. And I am open to meeting another girl, and I hope that it will happen fast. I hope to meet someone where I afterwards think, "why was I making such a big fuss about losing her, she did me a favor!".

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It sounds like it bothered her that you were unable to commit in a more tangible way before, and perhaps it was brewing inside of her...the fact that you finally were able to make commitment, just as she was thinking of jumping ship, probably made her angry! Like, NOW you decide you want to get married and have kids, ha! She probably wasn't looking at it from the standpoint of where you were professionally, she probably saw that as your excuse. I never saw finances as a reason to marry or not marry, since both work, both carry their weight, etc. Now having kids is another issue, they cost $ and mean time off work, or one quitting their job, or a babysitter, kids cost lots of $ and where one is financially has to weigh in. Personally, I see it as a toss up whether she would have left you regardless of the grief, I think something was brewing inside of her, but I think grief tipped the edge. But who knows for sure since she won't get real with you. One thing I do know, once the honeymoon period of the other relationship is over, she will see his bumps and spots just and he will see hers and that will be the true test of their relationship. It's been my experience that it's not a good idea to go directly from one relationship to another, and the fact that she could so quickly enter into another relationship tells me she was unfaithful to you in her heart. It's not just one guy one day and another the next. It doesn't work like that. There was some emotional cheating going on inside of her heart, whether she acted on it or not, she dwelled on it inside of her. The fact that she says she's not made of stone tells me she still has feelings for you, and it is still hurting her inside, something she's probably reacting volatile to. But regardless of what she thinks or feels or does or doesn't do, she broke up with you and that's all you need to know to move on. We have to respect their wishes and she's made hers clear. Keep focusing on YOU.

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GuiltHaunted it is very admirable that you can see things like that. That if someone returns to you after s/he has been with another then you are the one who wants the more (unless the other dumped him/her and feel insecurity and wants someone in his/her life). I wish I could have this way of thinking but unluckily it seems that I am selfish.

While I know that he is not on the mood of having a relationship I feel so frustrated when I see a pic on FB in club with his friends and although I know he just tries to do whatever he can to feel better at the time I am saying: "Why you are so ungrateful. Go out with everyone and not answering a simple text to me?". In 3 months I am returning to my country and still I don't know what to do. I guess that if I return and sent him and don't answer to me I will let it go.

I actually am at a loss. There are a lot of guys that they are asking me to go out but to me is impossible. Not because I am waiting for him, but I think it is unfair for them to start dating someone half heartedly just because I want to forget someone else. Isn't it?

I hope time will heal our heart and feel better. The good thing is that I feel that time passed faster after our official break up, rather than the 3 months that I was waiting without knowing.

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Hi again... Thanks for your replies again. I was staying away for a few days to try to take my mind in another direction. With somewhat success. Plus I had to fly a lot. I am even beginning to flirt with other women, fell into conversation with some girls on my last trip and ended up spending the evening in the hotel bar with them (drinking Coca-Cola, no stereotypes please). It was great, I didn't think about her for the whole evening. Then I had yesterday off and was sitting at home alone and got depressed again. Today before going to work, just flying as a passenger to another base, I all of a sudden started to cry. Later I fell into conversation with a woman on the plane and started flirting with her. It's not really normal for me to be that extroverted, I usually don't flirt much, in the last 4 years not at all, and even previously as a single I usually didn't approach strangers in that manner. It's such an emotional roller coaster, but atleast with more, and longer, highs than before. I feel pretty good most of the time, but get some really dark moments, but they are short in duration.

KayC,

You might be right that something was brewing inside her. About getting married, she is not a religious person, so I asked her on several occasions in the past why it was so important to her. People get divorced all the time, so in my opinion it doesn't make the relationship anymore certain. Theoretically, she might even have left me too if I had married her 2 years ago, so atleast I don't have to go through that now. I was considering taking up work in the Middle East last year, and asked her if she would come with me (which would include marriage, otherwise you can't live together there). My financial situation was pretty bad last year, and that was the only option I saw for improvement. She didn't want to come with me, but agreed I had to pursue the option and would have been willing to have a long distance relationship (atleast so she said). I was actually still pursuing that job, as her father died. When he died I immediately dropped those plans, because I knew there would be nobody to take care of her if I left her in Germany while going to the Middle East. With him alive, she would have had a home in Germany and not been alone when I was away.

Dropping those plans, and her wanting to keep the house made the economical situation even worse. As you may remember I mentioned before, I worked far away from that house, which included a lot of commuting and hotel costs. Her father let both me and her live there free of change, so keeping the house would all of a sudden put a huge economical burden on us both. In March my present company unexpectedly started to expand (they told us the opposite all winter), and was looking to upgrade co-pilots to captains. To me that was the solution to all our problems (it's pretty much double the salary). It would solve the certainty if I could stay in Germany, if I could improve my already poor economical situation, and even commuting AND keeping her house. I put myself under so much pressure through the spring. I had a lot of test and I HAD to be successful. Combined with all the stress in the relationship, I lost 13 kg (29 lbs), and mind you I wasn't fat before. I am weighing the same now as when I was 18! Paradoxically I WAS successful and at the same day that I passed the last test, she broke up with me in the evening! So, KayC, the timing in this relationship was terribly off.

Pollara,

You are right, for that reason I couldn't accept her back if he dumps her. No way I will be there to help her heal a broken heart over somebody else.

I am selfish too, and much worse that you. Contrary to you, I am hoping to get into another relationship as soon as possible. And yes to help me forget too (of course I am not jumping into ANY relationship, but I hope to meet the right person fast).

It been exactly 3 months today, since she broke up with me. I am not a wreck anymore, like I was in the beginning. I can enjoy an evening in the company of other women, without thinking about her... I think what is left for me to get over her now, is to find someone else to sleep with, someone that would kiss me, look at me with loving eyes, hold me and answer my calls. I know it's very egotistical, and could case a problem if she did indeed then came back, because in that case someone would perhaps end up get their feelings hurt. But in all probability that someone would be her. I really do love her, but from the beginning was has scared me the most, is that I know the love for her is dying slowly. I mean, I will always continue to love and care forher, but the romantic love will die. And yes, I have come to a point now, where I am willing to help lead the knife. I just want to move on, with or without her. I want a normal happy life and joy of a partnership.

I have an end day for my suffering set in mind, and that was from the beginning the end of October. This idea was first based on my experience in the past, 6 months was the time it took her to realize the mistake she made. If she hasn't come back before that date, I am moving on. It seems like you have a similar time limit set for yourself, when going home and I think that is healthy. Whether or not you should go out with someone, only you can decide. If you think you are going to spend the whole evening comparing him to your ex, it probably better not to. I know that, I won't, on the contrary, I would be interested in getting to know this new person sitting in front of me.

I think was causes me to cry sometimes at the moment, is the feeling of failure, the feeling of injustice and the confusion about why she did all this.

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Thank for making me want to write all this.... I just took 10 min thinking after writing it. And I think I had an epiphany:

She is not the right one!

It came from the "I will always love and care for her". I asked myself "why?". And probably the answer lies in the fact that she is not that smart and always kind of helpless. I think she has activated a lot of fatherly instinct in me. And what hurts too is to see her make decisions that are not at all wise for her life. Not breaking up with me (though I think the sisters ex will have a tough time measuring up to me, sorry to sound like someone with an overinflated ego), but also keeping that house, needing to take two jobs and she is so fragile already, only thing left is that she gets pregnant and him then leaving her - and there would be material for a reality show. In the past when the topic of children came up in discussions, I would sometimes answer her "I already have a child", referring to her, which of course would piss her off. But perhaps there was somehow some truth to that. And maybe that is the reason too, that she broke up. Maybe someone on her own level would be better for her. Maybe paradoxically it would be better for her to be with someone who will support her stupid decisions, because at least the decisions will be hers. Together with me there were two options, either I ran the show or we would fight. In the good times we had, I ran the show...

I want to find a strong woman, that can take care of herself, who is self confident, that has a grip on her own life (education and job that she finds stimulating) and that is happy about her own life in general (my ex was always complaining). With THAT woman I should get some children to satisfy my desire for playing dad. Universe, send her my way please.

Now, I will go to bed and sleep on that, it's gotten pretty late - maybe I am just tired and have a completely other opinion about that tomorrow.

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Pollara,

I think you're right about it not being fair to them, that is IF you were to get into a serious relationship too soon, but just for lighthearted fun, why not? I'd let them know up front you just broke up from a serious relationship but you'd enjoy spending time having fun, nothing serious. Leave the future open though, you never know! Just be careful and protect yourself, if you find yourself wanting to be exclusive with someone, dissect it to death and make sure it's for the right reasons, not a rebound.

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GuiltHaunted,

So the thing you'll have to ask yourself when you enter a new relationship is, "Is this person emotionally healthy, and am I trying to "rescue" someone or are we two mature adults ready to embark on a journey of discovery?" The thing you don't want to do is adopt another emotionally needy person that needs rescued or helped, but that both of you can contribute to the relationship

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I know that what I write is confusing, and that is pretty much also a reflection of what goes on inside my head. But actually she DID get more independent, took more initiative an so on in the last years we were together. I wrote that previously before too, that she became a stronger person during our relationship. And also I wrote, that I liked that person she became more than the one I meet in the beginning. We even talked about that in the evenings following the breakup. Her reply was "I had to become a stronger person, because one needs to be strong to be together with you". She of course meant that in a negative manner, but I actually took that as a compliment. I am a strong person and like to be in control of my life, and I like people around me to be the same. It probably what hurts too, that I am not in control of the situation now.

I miss her a lot, especially because I would have wanted to share all the experiences that I make professionally at the moment, with her. She knows how ambitious I am. Yesterday I had my 7th flight as a captain. Not one of the flights has been just ordinary. Yesterday during our approach we had really rough weather with rainstorms, had to do one go-around (aborted landing) first because the wind exceeded the limits of the aircraft for landing - to put in into perspective, several passengers vomitted and even a few lost contiousness (seriously!). Not withstanding passenger comfort I made absolutely the right decisions through out and made a perfect landing on the second attempt where the wind had died down, but still very close to our limits. I know how much she would have enjoyed to hear that story being a flight attendant herself. And I miss her the admiration that I always got from her (very egoistic, I know).

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