Gf Broke Up After Death Of Father, She Left For Sisters Ex-Boyfriend..

[GuiltHaunted]

Thank you for your messages Kayc and Pollara.

Just wanted to say that I have read them both. Nothing further has happened... I am still struggling, still miss her, still wish it would have gone different, still wondering "why". But it's getting better. Man, I wish I was one of those kind of men that just seems to fix such problems by 3 weeks later having another girlfriend. But I guess I am very sensitive about it, and have to give it whatever time is necessary..

When I read the stories of other people, I always wished they would write the ending. Most never do, probably because they forget about it when they overcome the problems and find new happiness. Throughout this ordeal, I was curious to know how they felt about the situation years after. So I guess I will try to remember to give an update on how my life progress later on...

All the best to all of you.

[kayc]

Mine IS "years later". I haven't found someone else because I'm not looking to. I just don't trust anymore. It's not just Jim, it's all of the collective experiences I've had over my lifetime...Jim just polished it off. I'm sure I'd feel different if I was young and had my life ahead of me, but I'm in my sixties and I've decided to go it alone until my late husband and I can be together again. I can't say as I'm unhappy...it's not the ecstatic joy I had with my husband, but it's not bad either. I think because you are looking for someone, you will find her. And it's good to take your time and get over this experience first. Not that we're left unchanged by the experience, but that you've been able to heal emotionally.

[Pollara]

It is true. I cannot help it but believing that even if I am happy with another guy at the future, I will always thinking of this like a repressed or unsatisfied desire. What would have happened if this hadn't happened, or if we had met afterwords etc. I hope this won't be the case. Well I saw a guy that wrote after two years or so, that his ex is pregrant by someone else and that he was dating a new girl.

[kayc]

I think if you truly find happiness with someone else, you won't be thinking "what ifs". But I do think the experience changes us by some degree or another.

[GuiltHaunted]

Pollara, that is exactly what I am afraid of. That this experience will stay, and even though eventually "forgotten", that each time the thought will pass on HER, when I see an old photo etc., that I will be sad and think: what if....

A recurrent (every day) thought, that I am having difficulties with at the moment is: "in 10 years, I will meet her in some aircraft, somewhere... What will I say to her?"... And my mind goes spinning off, with different solutions. Sometimes the answers are hateful replies, like when she tries to embrace me "don't touch me, and I don't want to speak with you", or "I have no idea who you are, you must have me mistaken for someone else". Sometimes the reply is something that could lead to reconciliation. Stupid, isn't it? To think about a hypothetical conversation in 10 years, that might never happen. Or maybe in 10 years, I wouldn't feels a thing and just simple say "hello, funny to see you..".

Some of my relatives and friends says, that I need to see a psychologist. Do you think, from all that I have written, that it is necessary? Personally, I don't see what a psychologist can say to me, that will help...?

Also, like both of you... I am thinking, that maybe I will never trust anyone again. I mean if this girl, who loved me more than anything, in 2 weeks, can go from writing me texts with kisses, to dating a new one.... How can I ever trust a girl that tells me that she loves me? "I love you" are empty words to me now, except when I hear them from my mother!!!

[kayc]

No I don't think you need a psychologist, what you are going through and feeling is entirely normal and not out of the realm time-wise. If you're still stuck after a few years and still can't trust someone new, a therapist might help. I personally think when you find someone else you'll be okay, it will shove thoughts of her out of your mind. Thinking about hypothetical conversations are normal too. It's understandable to wonder how you'd handle a chance meeting. When you do meet someone, take it slow and give the relationship a chance to build, I think the trust will come, just perhaps a little slower than it used to.

[GuiltHaunted]

Hey... Just checking in, since the last time nothing has happened... Still in no contact since 26th of December. My birthday is coming up. On some level I hope to hear from her, on the other hand I am afraid how it would possibly set me back again. Anyway, I do not expect to hear from her.

Also spring has come, and that is triggering emotions from last year as well. God, it's almost a year since she broke up with me!! I read somewhere, that you have to experience every season of the year after a breakup, before being over it.

What I did do since last post, is A LOT of reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder (web, books, folders, younameit). I didn't know much about mental diseases prior to this and it never interested me, which was probably a mistake.

I can't say if my ex suffers from BPD since I am not a professional, but she sure fits the bill. I am active on http://bpdfamily.com, which is a support forum for relatives of BPD sufferers. They also have a dedicated forum called "Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship". Not only does she fit the bill (and has a history of mental problems that I outlines in my first post), but my role in the relationship and reaction to it ending too. BPD is a spectrum disorder, which means that some are high functioning and may be able to live seemingly normal lives, so with out knowledge about the subject may be difficult to spot.

I am just wondering, if there might be a predominance of mentally disordered among those choosing to leave their partner after the death of someone important to them. What most of us here have in common, is that the behavior of our significant other certainly didn't make sense, left us confused and without the closure, that would have helped us to move on.

Whether my ex has BPD or only exhibits the traits to a subclinical level for a real diagnosis is not important. It has helped my find some sort of sense, in her otherwise confusing behavior, that for a long time kept me stuck. (E.g."why does she sends me messages at 3 am in the morning" or "how can she say she loves me two week prior to kicking me out and starting a new relationship" = because she has an attachment disorder).

I still wish it would have been different, and I guess I haven't given up hope completely. So I am not through it yet, but I am making progress.

I was thinking that it might be worth looking into for others in the same situation as me (especially if their significant other may have a history that could indicate they might be mentally disordered).

[kayc]

I don't know, my Jim didn't have a personality disorder, but he was Aspergers, which has difficulty with communication and tends to focus on one thing at a time, and I'm sure that played into how he handled things.

You knew her probably better than anyone else, and as such, you may be right about her BPD. It's good that you're learning about it and how you fit into your role, so you don't repeat the situation with someone on down the road. My XH John was a Narcissist and I hadn't known anything about that beforehand, I have since learned a great deal and definitely want to avoid any Narcissists in the future in any capacity!

It'd be best to have someone in your life that is whole psychologically. Taking on someone with so many problems is really a lot of handle and very draining! Good luck to you...and Happy upcoming Birthday!

[GuiltHaunted]

Thanks for the birthday wishes, kayc. And as expected, I didn't hear from her... Funny thing, that hurt more than expected! I have allowed myself to be hurt a lot by this woman, I wish I could somehow push a switch to make it stop. But, since she didn't take this occasion to break my request for no contact, I don't expect her to do so in the future either, so this somehow feels definitive, terrible.

[kayc]

I remember the exact moment when I put a wall around my heart to Jim so that he could not hurt me again, and I'm very glad I did. We are friends now and I don't have to worry about the emotional ups and downs of letting him get to me...my heart is open for friendship with him but that is all.

I'm sorry it opened up wounds for you.

[GuiltHaunted]

It's the hope that keeps me stuck. And frankly, I have been thinking if maybe I should resume contact with her for some time, but didn't want to do it before birthday. Now I see no point.