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Eyes - Mary's, Queen Mary's, Kay's And Anyone Else Here...


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Dear Friends,

I am back at my brother's and will post this and send a brief email to a couple dozen folks here who want to know what happened and then take a nap.

Surgery went well. Except for 4 minutes which I absolutely do not remember, I was alert during the entire procedure. The 4 min. is the time I was totally out when they put a needle in my eye to numb the entire right side of my head. During the rest of it I was calm and did not really care what they were doing but it was strange as I was alert, conversed a bit, asked them to change the music which they did, but as the 45 minutes wore on I was increasingly aware and could feel myself becoming a bit agitated. Sharon sensed it and told me she was almost done. They told me ahead of time this would happen. They needed me alert so they could give instructions if needed (e.g. look up or down) but they never needed to do so.

I asked Sharon before surgery how long before I knew about the cornea surviving. She said tomorrow morning she would have an idea but it would be at least another week from tomorrow as it depends on several factors including healing amount and swelling. It is not something she can see during surgery nor does it necessarily happen during surgery...could happen anytime during the healing. So I live with that. I asked her about crying as she knows I cry often and she said not to worry about it but once the bandages come off tomorrow not to rub the eye just dab it.

I told her about Naprastek and she knows of her. A friend of hers had to have a rare heart surgery and they ended up at Mayo where an alternative MD also jumped in, made a custom CD for this friend based on Naprastek's CDs....and she said her friend's healing time was amazingly quick and thorough because she used it daily many times for many days previous to surgery.

When we got back here to monastery I burst into tears and Jim was helpless. Absolutely no attempt to hold or touch me. I just went upstairs to my room. He asked what I needed but it was sort of a futile question because he could not help. I told him I needed Bill and explained I have not gone through anything like this and especially without Bill. That was about the extent of the conversation. His room was cluttered and there was no sign of preparation for me to use it except clean sheets. Bill would have had fresh flowers, de-cluttered (if needed) and other things done but Bill is not here and Bill and I spoiled each other. Jim cannot comprehend that. He tries his very best but just is lost when it comes to this kind of thing. He asked me one question when I came downstairs this morning..."how are you doing"? but his body language did not want to hear more than a sentence or two. He wandered away mentally/emotionally.

The nurse in prep and recovery is someone he has known since she was a kid. She was good but her parents were members of Jim's parish and befriended our family. He asked her tons of questions and carried on a lively conversation as I sat there in prep. She talked endlessly but had to leave after what felt like eternity. I then asked Jim not to ask her anymore questions since she gives books for answers, talks lickety split and has Jim on a pedestal no one could reach which leads to her talking endlessly to HIM. It is all a very familiar pattern. Jim clams up with my sister and myself and talks endlessly when his collar goes on. He is a priest before he is a person imho. I know he loves me, cares deeply and would do anything for me so I have to not expect to have my real needs met. He just made me a tuna salad sandwich and we stopped at Culver's so he could go in and get me some chocolate custard for later. I had him get a half gallon for the guys.

I am feeling wobbly and tired but not able to sleep. I was alert during the surgery, as I said, and I imagined Bill at my head guiding her hands, Marty and all of you on my left hand (I am left handed), my mom and friends on the right and Jesus at my feet. I turned to that often during that time they worked on my eye. It was of great comfort. I thank you for being there for me these days...really there. I can barely see as my glasses are cockeyed as the bandages are huge and I can't get my glasses on right. I also have tears in my eyes...as least I assume there are tears in my right eye. I am beginning to feel my right eye and head again. When it was over I could not open my eye as it was numbed and I had no control over it.

Emotionally I am weepy but ok. I have to let go of the unknown re the cornea news as much as possible and take one day at a time...the story of this chapter of my life. The surgery is over...and the next one will be easier in terms of having done it before...not as many unknowns...except the cornea news again. If I lose this first cornea, there will be no second surgery until we deal with this eye. I can't believe I typed all this....just needed to tell someone. I will keep in touch regarding all this.

Peace and gratitude to all of you for your love, posts, emails, and mostly for listening,

Mary

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Oh Mary, this must have been truly emotionally exhausting for you. And you're right about your brother, I'm sure he cares but can't give what isn't there and he simply doesn't know how to respond. He knows how to be a priest...he just doesn't know how to be empathetic outwardly. I have learned with my son that doesn't mean he doesn't feel or care, just handicapped in he doesn't know how to respond. My son is deeply caring but is awkward/stiff in his expression. Hugging him is a bit like hugging an ironing board. But I know he loves me. He was raised (by his dad) not to show emotion, it's hard to change, but he's trying.

I didn't realize you wouldn't know how your eye was after the surgery, so you begin your several days wait? Our prayers continue then! Yes, leave it all in God's hands, and I hope you can enjoy your day in meditation, perhaps with music and a talking book?

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I'm so sorry your brother isn't able to give you the physical comforting you so need and deserve right now, dear Mary ~ How I wish your Bentley could be there with you right now. (I know that Bill is there already.) I wish we could all be there with you, too, although we'd probably smother you with our hugs ~ and roses, and tea, and music, and love. You'll just have to imagine us there, as we meet you in your meditation and your dreams. Be still. Breathe. Rest. Heal. Know how very much you are loved.

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Also sending another hug from Arizona. I'm glad this one is over and hoping for success with no complications. Try to get some rest as we hold you in our hearts.

Karen

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It is 7pm and I have slept a lot, had dinner with the priests....

An uncomfortable evening with the eye. Hard to imagine driving but bandages are still on and it is just a few hours since surgery. I know I would feel better if I was home. I asked Sharon what I should do if I get home and have a problem...she said call her...based on problem...she would even meet me half way...now that is a physician. And she was serious. she lives in the loop. that is downtown Chicaco. Then she added...nothing usually goes wrong...which was consoling.

Seeing with my left eye is proving a challenge. I am grateful for a good md who I trust. And I do have a hopeful mindset. Very weepy tonight which is actually helping me as one normal reaction is a feeling of sharp pieces of sand in my bandaged eye. The tears soothe that. See friends, tears do heal! :) trying to keep from sneezing...i never sneeze except when told I should try not to. I am a perverse being. :)

Thank you for all your loving messages. I won't try to respond to each one but I cherish each one and each of you.

Mary

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Dear Mary,

Glad to hear the surgery went well. Less glad to hear you will have to wait before you know what is going on with the cornea. They have gotten much better with that piece of the surgery over the years. When my Dad first had it done 20 years ago it was completely touch and go. Today, it isn't. I don't know why I did not think of that before--but there you are.

Stay positive. You are going to be fine. With all the help you had in the OR it can't go any other way. I know it is hard not to worry, but even your doctor seems to feel there is nothing to worry about.

Of course we all find it easier to tell others not to worry than not to worry ourselves. Consider yourself well and truly hugged.

Be well.

Peace,

Harry

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Harry

The news I am waiting for is separate from having a problem this week. The dystrophy in my eyes could cause the corneas to decompose anytime in the next ten days or so. MD does not know if that will occur. The amt of swelling will be one of a few factors. Tomorrow will provide some info but it is watch and wait. I would not feel that occur. Thank you for your post. Peace and to get photos off your phone easily just email them to yourself. Mary

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Somebody tell me if this info is somewhere already, please.

Mary,

I know I am probably worrying foolishy.

I am sure you know about parallax vision, and all that. You will have only one operative eye to drive home, and I used to drive those roads a LOT. WIth two excellent eyes, thank Creator.

Is there someone who could drive you home and take the shuttle back to O'Hare, or something like that, etc.? I need to hear these plans again, please.

Or do you have a set of lovely scenic back roads already chosen for your languorous drive home? :)

Inquiring minds want to know. But don't bother answering me, just you answer for yourself.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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ps ...

Thank you for letting us know how you are. To send a report so soon is remarkable. Congratulations! You made it through the surgery, and you remain articulate, caring, and open.

I am sending a half-minute {{{Hug}}}, patting your back and hair, and watching Bill taking perfect care of you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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It is 11:30pm and I slept for a while but I have to sleep in the chair tonight and so now I am wide awake. fae, once the bandage comes off tomorrow, I will have two eyes. I do not know about the vision in the right eye...it could be anything from zero to blurry...i doubt it will be clear. I will NOT drive home unless I feel competent to do so. I will know more tomorrow about all of it. I REALLY want to go home...I will feel emotionally safer there. Here everything I feel is either ignored, minimized or explained away with some ridiculous fix or platitude...I need to be out of here. BUT I will NOT drive if I can't see clearly to do so. I take #39 fae which is far west and hardly any traffic once off of a stint on 80W. Once in Wisconsin I will take the back road to Madison if need be. I will be careful and won't take chances even if I have to sit here for two days or even more (Awgh!!)...at least I can be in my room (Jim's room) and am left alone. I ate dinner quickly tonight and left the table and went back to my room. So I have spent my entire time here alone. Jim came in with lunch and then tonight he came in with a bowl of frozen custard. He does try. He asks if I need anything but my truthful answer would not be understood...been there, done that, failed.

It does feel good to vent some here today....even though I sound like a complainer to myself. Expressing feelings was just not allowed in my family and I was the one who spoke them for the entire family and they were never taken seriously...and were ignored... and I had forgotten until Bill died and I spent a bit more time with my family of origin (took care of Jim TKR 4 months after Bill died, then 4 days with them 6 months after Bill died and now being here, and email correspondence etc) that I am not allowed to have feelings and validating them is beyond the beyond. I just have not lived that way for many many years....as Bill and I validated each other and I have friends who do that fairly well also....and visits to my family did not involve my need to share pain there since I lived there pre-age 20...that is 50+ years ago....so I lost touch over those years of how it was...and still is. If I say, "I am scared" I get a platitude...a fix.

All of this makes me miss Bill so so so much...reminds me of how much we had with each other...hearing/feeling each other and also growing together...nurturing each other instead of stifling each other.

Need to shut down for the night....Love, Mary

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Hang in there Mary. It won't last long on. Soon you will be able to leave. I hope you have a pleasant surprise when the bandage comes off. Do not worry about getting on the road too soon. Be safe and just remember in a few days things will be more settled and you will be safe at home where you are surrounded by things that matter most. For now, just know Bill is with you, always remember that.

And everyone is here to help and listen.

Love to you too Mary!
Stephen

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Mary, so glad to hear surgery went well, now the wait about the cornea...I know the waiting is the hardest part. Wish someone was there physically to wrap you up in their arms, just try to imagine all of us hugging you...wow what a room full. So sorry your brother is not empathetic, some people are just unable to be. I am sure he is doing the best that he is able. Know that we all love you, and are with you as much as we can be without being physically present. Hope you can go home soon, I know that is what you want, to be home with Bentley.

Will be anxiously awaiting news on the cornea.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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emailing pictures to yourself is easy if it's a cellphone camera, but if it's a regular camera you need to put the card into the computer, some of the old ones even had a port/cable hookup.

Mary, your eye should feel better today, I'm just hoping the overall outcome is good for you, I haven't heard of the problems you're facing/having, so this is a new one to me. How soon until you can go home, or do you know?

I'm sorry your family didn't allow expression of feelings, that's a horrible way to live. I know my son is trying to retrain himself from his dad's upbringing...fortunately he has an understanding wife.

Keep us posted about your eye!

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Well, I have not good news but GREAT news. I saw Sharon this morning and I left her scratching her head a bit...not totally but a bit. Once through the risk of the surgery the next hurdle for my cornea to leap was swelling and the speed my cornea is capable of reducing the swelling. Swelling or it not going away at a good rate...would result in a cornea catastrophe. Well, there was NO swelling. She was thrilled and needless to say I was. I told her when she walked in that I did not see any swelling...I thought my face would be swollen. She said, I would not see it...it would be inside. So she looks and I asked how long it would be before I knew if the cornea made it. She said, there was NO IF...I was fine and would be. So now I do 4 rounds of 3 drops each round 15 min. apart and return next Thursday. I can see clearly out of the right eye but my glasses blur everything so I will buy a pair of Walgreen glasses and remove the right lens before I drive home tomorrow. I am joyful...that from someone who thought joy was a memory. I am mostly relieved and could feel my entire body and being relax. She just assumed there would be swelling and that is why she said it would be another week or more before she could clear me from danger. But I told her I filled the room with angels (living here and living across the threshold) and no one will tell me that it did not help. Bill told me Tuesday that he would guide her hands and all of you were there and others so I am grateful and relieved.

I thank you for being there and for walking with me on this journey. I am not as frightened of the second surgery but will be wary about swelling as well as the surgery itself in terms of cornea survival.....but for today...I am not thinking about that.

Peace,

time for lunch...

Mary

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Such great news, Mary. I am so happy for you. I wish you could see me dancing a dance of JOY. Good for you. I love your doctor and all those who sent prayers your way. Drive safely back to WI. Get Bentley and bury your face in his fur and have a cry of relief. We are hugging you BIG time.

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This feels like a miracle. She was very very clear that there would be more swelling than regular cataract surgery and it would take 3-4 weeks to go away which is how long I would have had to wait to be declared out of danger. Then the other eye would be done. I really think when Bill told me Tuesday (on the massage table) that he would guide her hands, and then I took all of you, my friends here, my mom and Jesus in with me...and prepared by using that CD that Marty recommended (for a couple of weeks)....I believe that all mattered...all of it.

I have had a headache for two weeks mostly and could not use Advil. I now have a headache and will take some Advil and a nap.

Thank you again...all of you...I believe in miracles....always have....

Mary

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Dear Mary,

YOU are a miracle, so that you should have a miraculous recovery seems perfectly normal to me, for you at least. :wub: I know you have brought sunshine to many a day here. I Love it when someone in our tribe gets some good news! We are all reveling in your successful surgery!

Happiness and tears of relief for you from out here in Montana. I am just delighted, overjoyed, and relieved. You will be home soon, snuggling with Bentley, and singing your own happy songs in your own space.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Wonderful Mary, I don't know if I could do what you have done. Like you, the thing I would miss the most is how Larry would care for me, tucking the covers around me, holding my hand, I know that has been hard for you too. The strength we all have on this site is truly remarkable, Deborah

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What fantastic news, Mary, obviously you were being well looked after!!! So very very happy to hear this wonderful news. So happy that you do not have to wait and wait on the answer!!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Our prayers are answered, hallelujah! I am so happy for you, Mary!!!

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Dear Mary,

Marvelous , marvelous, marvelous! I am over-the-moon happy for you. Hugs all around, brothers and sisters, hugs all around.

Peace,

Harry

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