Another Story Of Grief/depression Ending A Relationship

[TDoubleU]

Greetings To Everyone Here,

As so many of you have expressed already in other posts, it is a tremendous relief to have found people who have gone through a similar experience. It restores a little humanity to a heartbreaking situation and offers hope that there is still an opportunity to gain wisdom from everything that we go through.

Very recently, my girlfriend and the woman who I thought for sure that I was going to marry and share all of my life with, broke up with me. We were not together for an overwhelmingly long time, less than a year in total. But the things that we went through together made it seem like so much longer and substantial a period. I should start by saying that I am aware that my version of events is biased and one-sided. In addition to that, there is quite a bit of emotional fuel that is probably standing in the way of a completely open look at the totality of what happened. I am not sure that I will ever reach a place of complete closure or understanding, but then I am not sure that I am supposed to either. I imagine that only time will provide any measure of peace and understanding, as much as I hate to admit that is true.

We met in August of 2012, and we had an instant connection to each other. The "honeymoon" and discovery period of a new partner was absolute magic. There was a level of communication and honesty that I had never experienced before in any of my previous relationships, and I am fairly open and level-headed about those types of things. All my life, I thought in every relationship that I was in that there was something better and more dynamic in my future. This was the first time that I did not have that feeling. I was with a woman who was equal to or better than me in almost every way. That lasted for three months. I was at her house one night and we got the phone call from her mother. Her father had been having some pains for the previous week or two. Those pains turned out to be cancer. Bad, bad cancer. He went from Stage 2 to Stage 4 in a matter of weeks, and he passed in less than five months. I love this woman, I knew that I did pretty quickly. I am also a big believer in the action of love. I talk a good game, but I work really hard to ensure that my actions back up that talk. So I consoled her that night and she cried in my arms for hours.

As time moved forward, she began to get depressed in a big way. She began the grieving process while her father was still alive. I don't know what this is referred to in the technical sense, but I tried to keep reminding her that he was alive in the moment and it was valuable for her to maximize that time with him. I am pleased to say that she was able to do this and I am sure that when she comes to a little bit that she will be very glad that she made those choices for herself. I told her the whole time that while I could never promise that everything would be ok, that I would always be beside her and standing with her. While these things were difficult, we were still very strong together and united against what we had to face.

In another blow, I got very sick with a horrendous flu. I missed most of two weeks of work and ended up in the ER once and had to make an urgent trip to my doctor as well. On both of these occasions, I asked her to come and pick me up from work to drive me there as I was concerned about driving safely and, honestly, I really wanted the TLC of the girl I loved. I was very weak physically and this also left me weak emotionally, as I started having panic attacks and emotional breakdowns from time to time. Anxiety, panic and mild depression being something that I have experienced bouts of in my life. This was actually something that the two of us had in common. It never feels good, but it is something that can be adapted to and worked through without leaving behind a trail of major damage. At least for me that has been the case. Everything was much better after a couple of months, but this is worth bringing up as it was the first moment where she started to think that she might not be able to give me what I need in our relationship or be able to keep things balanced between us. I should note that I have never stated anything as a need, I have always cherished and admired her independence and recognized that the things that were happening between us fall into the "want very much" category.

During this same period she started having back and leg pain, which turned out, after many chiropractor/massage visits and then ultimately with the specialists, to be a degenerative disk herniation in her back. The condition gradually and continually got worse. The symptoms began in earnest in the middle of December. By the beginning of April she was on full-time disability and on substantial opiate painkillers. She had a series of three cortisone shots, multiple tests and exams done, the works. I was with her for almost every one of those Doctor visits.

At the same time that she got put on disability, she decided to move to her parents place on a full-time basis. One, to care for herself and two, to be with her family as her dad was moving closer to the end. We were already 25 or 30 miles apart, this move added another 40 miles of distance. But I had no issue with it whatsoever, in fact I encouraged her to do so. I know the importance of not leaving anything on the table and wanting to be with your family in trying moments. She had already been going there two days a week anyway, so this was an extension of that really. It did cut into our time together, but I still had the opportunity to go and spend some time with her. Her mother and father were both very gracious in allowing me to come and spend some of my time off with them. They even included me in some family pictures, which was very touching. Her father was a collector of some marvelous artifacts, which I completely geeked out on when we first met. Our 15 minute "drop in and grab some stuff" introduction turned into a three hour session of going through some of the coolest stuff imaginable. For Christmas, they gave me a fossilized sperm whale tooth and a card that thanked them for taking great care of their daughter and loving her so much. I cried when I got that, it was one of the most touching gifts that I have ever received, especially given the circumstance.

This whole time, depression continued to creep in slowly but surely. She began to withdraw herself at times, but it was not constant and we were still very much united. At the end of April, her father finally succumbed to the cancer. I was not with her or her family that day, nor did I feel that I should have been. I did talk to her quite a bit, but she and her family needed the space. The funeral and burial were to happen on the weekend and that was when I saw her next. I spent that day driving she, her mother and sister around to the various places where these things were to take place. It was an honor and privilege to be in a position of trust like that and to be useful to a sweet and grieving family. Her back was so bad at that point that she had to spend most of the day in a wheelchair. At the end of the day, her expression of love for me was more pronounced than ever and she said that she was never more sure that I was the man that she was going to spend the rest of her life with. (This is not the first time that this topic had been breached, we had discussed it before this particularly traumatic moment. I don't know that it makes the concept any more or less real, but at the least it was congruent with what we already had going on.) I spent the next day with her and then went home.

She was then scheduled have surgery in the middle of May. A relatively serious one at that. Up to that point, her pain had become monumental and almost completely debilitating. She was on all sorts of very heavy medication and was just waiting to go get the surgery done. I did not see her after the funeral weekend until her surgery, but we talked every day as we had done since we first made contact with each other. I offered whatever support she wanted and asked for and did what I could to offer all the love that I had. While she was continuing to withdraw from me, bit by bit, I went over to be with her the night before the surgery and we got up very early the next day to go to the hospital. I stayed with her at the hospital for the next 60 hours (I did leave for about 90 minutes to go to her mom's place and take a shower), the rest of her family was there for the surgery itself and briefly afterward, but they left after that trusting that I was with her. I showered her with all the love that I could and she responded by saying yet again that I was the best man that she had ever been with and that she loved me with all of her heart. After three days at the hospital, we parted.

Forgive me as this post is getting out of control in length and overly detail oriented. It feels good to get it out there.

After she got out of the hospital, things begin to change pretty significantly. The pulling away began to get stronger, though there were still many assurances of love and caring. I did not see her again for three weeks, when we met at her house for my birthday weekend. It was an interesting weekend, one full of awkward exchanges and a fair bit of distance. It started to feel like she was now having to actually face the weight of what had happened and that including me in that process was not part of her operational paradigm. We did not argue, nor did we exchange any negativity. We did have a somewhat forward conversation about how much we had been through and how it had been a struggle, but even that felt positive at the end. At least to me. I am the only perspective that I can speak knowingly and truthfully about at this point, so I would ask that you keep that in mind.

From that point, another five weeks passed before I would see her again. During this time our communication became more strained and her distance continued to increase. She would not pick up the phone when I called or would take time to call me back. She did not respond to text message that I sent her for a very long time and when I would talk about the possibility of getting some face time with her, there were an abundance of excuses offered as to why that would not be possible. It bears mentioning that the communication that we had established up to this point was one of being readily available. It was not a problem to me that she was not, it was more that it was something that we did not discuss and things shifted more quickly than I was capable of realizing. I must have felt this intuitively though, because I knew that something was not right. I had no idea how to breach the topic though, how could I be in a situation where I was making a fuss about something given all that this beautiful woman had been through? In hindsight, I realize that I should have spoken my mind freely as that choice is under my control and belongs to me. Not only that, but I would not have been the jerk that I perceived I would be in my mind.

Anyway, we reached the point where she was readying herself to move back home. We were to see each other on Independence Day. I had hopes that a return to her home would allow for us to get rebooted a little bit from everything that had happened. I knew that it would not be something to "get over", but I thought that if we could at least see each other in person a little bit more that it might help to get our communication back on track. As I am here on this forum it goes without saying that thought process was a misjudgment on my part. We had an exchange on July 3rd that left me with a very awkward feeling. I wanted to get off of work early that day and surprise her with a card and something nice to welcome her back home but I was unable to do so. I sent her a text letting her know of my intentions, but her response was oddly indifferent. When hit with that intuition we can either sit with it or take action, but before taking action it is important to think about whether or not doing so would be emotional or reasonable. I figured the latter and off I went, unannounced to her house. Funny, because looking back this is not something that I had ever done before.

When I arrived, I found her in the middle of taking all my things to her car. It appeared that her plan was to bring me my belongings on the day of our reuniting and break up with me! This was a surprise to be sure. While she had been increasingly distant, there were still assurances of the quality of our relationship and the value of the promises that we made to each other. I only saw her angry twice in our time together...the first was the look on her face when I showed up and found her packing up my things. The second was later in the evening when I suggested that what she was doing was very emotionally regressive. Not the smartest thing to say under the circumstance, but my emotional barometer was way out of whack that night. I never raised my voice or got out of control, but I flipped between anger, sadness, relief, disbelief and whatever other emotion you can imagine. The relief came from the fact that we were having our first truly open dialogue in six weeks or so. Other than that, it was a terrible night. She said that she was leaving me because she "needed to be selfish and take care of me right now" and that "she was not prepared to fight for a relationship". She mentioned that there were times in the past that I had "broken boundaries that I was afraid or unable to tell you about", such as moving in a lot of my stuff into her place. In fact, I had discussed every single item with her before I brought anything over and made sure that it was something that she was comfortable with. More than that, I assured her that the place that she owned, I wanted nothing to do with! Show me the papers, I will sign anything you want, whenever you want. You have worked very hard to get what you have and I don't want you to ever feel like I am encroaching on that at all. I have the text messages and everything. My internal response was "was I breaking boundaries when I was with you in the hospital for all that time? Was I breaking boundaries all those times that you cried in my arms and broke down not being able to go to work and asking me to stay with you?" I did not say these things, as I have more awareness and control than to allow for the momentary lapse of reason to take over. But they passed into my thoughts. She mentioned the day before something about betrayal, as if she was aware of the wrongness of what she was doing. I was a bit too emotional to capture all of what she said to be honest with you. I have had a few of the "it's not you, it's me" conversations in my life. While I can't say for sure how much she meant for it to be that kind of breakup, it is the first time in my life that I feel that this is an authentic statement. I had mentioned in the weeks prior that I did not want to lose her and that I loved her very much and was ready to face anything that life had to throw at us. Something I have never expressed with as much truth as I did in that moment. When asking how she came to the conclusions that she did, she said through therapy (she had four sessions since her surgery) and journal-ing. She seemed confident and resolute, though she was very emotional. I am old enough to know that tears do not mean a change of mind.

I asked her not to leave me like that and she agreed to see me one more time the next morning. It did not change anything nor did I believe it would. In fact, I was just left more confused. She said she loved me and that I was a great man, that I had treated her right and that she was still attracted to me! She said that I deserved to be with someone who was capable of giving me what I needed (again with the need, I choose not to express these things this way, they are merely wants and I am adaptable). After all this, all I could ask is why she was breaking up with me if all those things were true. Even more so, why did she have to cut me out of her life entirely? No friendship, no anything. As if all the things that we shared and all the promises meant nothing and I was to be removed from her existence. I felt like she never gave me a chance and I told her so. I feel like she had a conversation with me that I was completely absent from. She pleaded with me not to close my heart to love because of what was happening. This felt like a very arrogant thing to say to me, but I did not express that in that moment.

Before she left, I told her the following - I have to believe that I will never speak to or hear from you again, but all that I ask is that you keep your heart and mind open to the possibility that maybe this process you are on will change. If it does, consider reaching out to me.That I loved her very much and that I did not want to see this go down in flames if it was avoidable. Perhaps it would be something that we would talk about five years down the line as a tough time, but one that we both grew from. She said that she could not make any promises or offer many any hope. In the previous conversation, I had asked about hope for us and she said that there was none to offer. With that said, I told her that hope was not necessary, that I would be able to find my way and I always have. After a hug in the middle of my street, she drove off and out of my life. Ouch.

In the three weeks since that point, despite my best efforts not to, I called her twice and left voicemails both times. We exchanged a handful of text messages and I have emailed her two rather extensive letters. One was my own close out note, admitting to the things that I could have been more aware of and thanking her for sharing so many beautiful things with me. The other was trying to acknowledge the end of the relationship but to try and maintain some kind of line of communication. She has not responded to either at this point, but I did not make any kind of timetable expectation for her to do so. In fact, I believe that she will not. My belief is that she is out of my life for good. A fact that is incredibly sad and confusing to me, but then how could it not be as she is an incredibly sad and confused woman at the moment.

I have seen a lot of things on here about the hurt that people feel sometimes when the person who dumps them is out with other people or sharing openly with them. I do not mind these things at all. In fact, if I can serve as the catalyst, the one who helped to lay a path to her finding some kind of happiness, then I will take tremendous pride in that fact. I love this woman with all of my heart, and I am quite certain that I will for as long as I live. Something that I said to her many times and followed through on almost as often. That emotion is flexible and flows like water, it is not limited to any particular shape. It does not have to be me. It really, really hurts that it is not, but that is also part of life.

Most of the hurt is probably from the surprise of it and from the blow to the ego from rejection. There is a fair bit of doubt about the genuineness of what we shared. How real was it? How could someone so easily flip the switch and go from wanting to spend a life together to not? Honestly, it has only been three weeks and I am already getting a bit tired of talking about it, so that's good. It will take longer for the feelings to settle down, but knowing that there are people out there who have experienced the same thing makes me feel a little bit more comfortable. I have loved and lost before and I know that I will love again and most likely lose again so I refuse to give up hope. I came so close to finding exactly the person I have spent my life searching for and for whatever reason, the universe has conspired to put more tests out there than she was prepared to handle. If nothing else, I KNOW that I am prepared to take that next step.

Thank you for letting me take the time to vent some of this out, I feel I nice sense of calm at the moment. Even if it is short-lived, it can be enjoyed while it lasts.

[Pollara]

Hi!

I am sorry that another person was added to this relationship due to grieving situation.

It seems to me that your ex girlfriend thinks that she is not the right person for you at this time, because except from her grief she also has her personal problems related to her health. What was sounded strange to me was how with the therapy she ended up to break it off with you. I thought that therapists at times like these encourage people to find another things to focus in order to feel better and spend their emotional energy there (ie relationship) and not to be detached from the rest of the world. I don't know maybe it is different than what I thought.

In any case I am glad that you are doing better day by day. I truly understand how hard this is. What I learn from this story is that grief affects not only the people that are related directly to the deceased but other people as well. Unfortunately you cannot do anything rather than moving on and if there is a change on her mind and you are still around you can see that again.

[kayc]

I think one of the most key things she shared was when she said she didn't have it in her to put into a relationship right now. She is right. When you are grieving, such as she is, you have nothing in you for anything except surviving the day in what you are going through. It is most puzzling to us who are dumped, to understand, let alone come to grips with, the fact that this person that claimed to have loved us and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with us...now suddenly doesn't want us at all? As hard as it is to fathom, we do have to accept it, as their choice. It is a very tough thing.

You will undoubtedly experience the secondary loss of her family, as you'd grown to care about them. When you go through the tough things together as you did, the bond seems to be all the more solidified, and once the break up has occurred, you may find yourself wondering how her family is doing, etc. It's tough at best.

Our advice continues to be to focus on yourself and busy yourself with things that interest you...as we were told and as we've shared with others, it helps to join a gym, take a class, reconnect with friends and family, etc. Little by little it gets better.

You can't hope for anything in particular, being as her response or lack of it is within her power, but perhaps, you never know, the two of you can be friends. However, by that time, you may not desire that.

[TDoubleU]

Thank you both for your responses. There are so many things that are confusing about everything that has happened. Not the least of which is the way in which that love transformed into resentment. Up until the middle of May, I was the man she was going to marry. At the beginning of July, she chose to cut me out of her life completely. It is hard, if not impossible to understand how that switch gets flipped. I realize that I have to move on with my life and have already begun the process of doing so, but there is a part of me that is resistant to that. There are many things that are hurting, not the least of which is the total lack of control in what is going on. There is really little point in dwelling on it, as that would change nothing. It's just a lousy feeling to be made out the villain while primarily sitting on the sidelines. There is no doubt that on my end, I spent time hanging on as she was pulling away. An exercise in futility and something for me to examine. There were signs that this type of action was familiar to her, so I am not completely surprised. I am in a place where I have let go of hope and am focused on doing things for myself and following the suggested patterns, but I can say with clarity that these things really do little for the pain. Also, I realize that the validation that I need must come internally and that I need to be satisfied with myself that I did the best that I could, gave all the love that I had to give and that the power of that expression was evidenced in the look in her eyes and on her face a great number of times. I am very glad that July is over. On the bright side, it has been an extremely productive month, even though I have felt very little of it. Any more thoughts on why this sort of thing happens?

[kayc]

I think the number one reason is they don't have it in them to deal with a relationship on top of their grief/loss. It's obvious that they view the relationship as requiring something from them, otherwise, wouldn't they be more apt to receive our support in the way they do from their friends? I don't think this necessarily speaks to how we are with them, so much as their internal perceptions/experience.

Perhaps there were flaws in the relationship to begin with that we weren't aware of or they have some bit of information that we aren't privy to. My Jim vehemently said over and over again that he saw us spending our lives together, just as your GF did, and others here. Yet that is contrary to what their final actions demonstrate, isn't it? Perhaps they secretly had reservations or qualms they didn't share with us out of their own lack? I know Jim struggled with communications, as an Aspie, and it's definitely a weakness of his to not be able to openly discuss points of conflict, I think that may have weighed in, but so hard to know when everything from my end is speculation and can't be confirmed...he still isn't getting real with me. And that's all I ever asked for! Funny how the one thing we want (honesty) is the one thing we're denied!

I do see a bit of pattern in that Jim broke up with his previous ex by leaving in the middle of the night to fly back to his hometown...I don't even know if she got a goodbye note. He explained it away by saying something she said made him afraid of her. Seriously? Then why did he resume talking to her when we were engaged and friend her on FB? That's not something you'd do if you were truly afraid of someone. I know...I have an ex I was afraid of and I am careful not to have contact with him, even after 37 years! So that doesn't hold up. I think the real reason is he didn't want confrontation/conflict and he was a coward so he snuck out instead of giving her what she deserved...honesty. I don't know if your GF ever did this before or not, but it'd be interesting to know. Have these others had a history of being less than candid or running or failure to follow through on commitment? Just speculating. How can we know but what they tell us?

You are right, we needn't have or seek validation outside ourselves, we are quite enough validation in and of ourselves! And I have learned to do just that and am happy with myself. This "self talk" is so important! We must learn the art of self validation. Of realizing we are not a "half" but a "whole" and whatever we and someone else bring to the table may enrich each other, but we are whole, all the same.

I would not receive their trying to put the blame on us, thankfully, Jim hasn't done that, at least I can say that for him!

[TDoubleU]

I don't know how much of this is true and how much of it was related to trying to soften the blow to my feelings, but she took responsibility for most of what was happening. Sort of. There was a lot of "I can't fight for a relationship right now" and "I need to be selfish and take care of myself". The truth of the matter is that I love this woman and I understand that part. The part that really angers me and stands as a true act of disrespect is the fact that she hid herself from me and deceived me. To my knowledge, she had never lied to me before. I may be naive in thinking this, but my intuition about these things is usually pretty good. She told me that we would be spending the day together, the day that she had planned on breaking up with me. I was under the impression that we would be doing something engaging and fun and she made no effort to let me know that there was anything else on the agenda. She already knew for at least a couple of weeks what her plan was. At the end of the day, she is in an emotional wasteland that may take a very long time to get out of. I trust that she knows herself better than I do and that she made the decision that is best for her. It is the deceit and the completely cutting me out part that I have a harder time understanding. It is VERY out of character with what we had established in our relationship. And yes, she was predisposed to running emotionally. In her professional life, she has stood up to numerous challenges and found success. In terms of keeping her life organized and staying on top of life responsibilities, she is amazing. When it comes to emotional issues, there is likely too much baggage to completely overcome. Though according to her, I helped her get in touch with feelings that she had been afraid of for her entire life. There is something to be proud of in that and I choose to embrace it. There is also something great in thinking about all the things that we experienced together in such a short period of time and how we handled them all with as much grace and dignity as we could muster. Until it all became too much and fell apart. I would have fought on, but she just did not have it in her. I just want to put all of that to rest, savor the sweet moments, find a way to forgive her and forgive myself and stride forward to be a better man than I was when she met me. It all sounds so easy...haha. We all experience the events of life from a unique perspective and we can never truly understand where someone else is coming from or how they perceive the moment. The best that we can hope for is to be aligned for at least long enough to share some valuable wisdom and love. With that in mind, I consider this relationship a success. Still hurts like hell that it is over and will take time to get back to being myself. KayC, I am curious, how long was it before you were able to start having communication of any kind with Jim?

[Pollara]

Well I totally understand you. My ex before his mom dies thought of me as a great support. He had told me that I was the only reason that he could stand this and that even before we start oficially dating he was waiting for the time to talk with me because this was the highlight of his day. Judging by what our common friends have told me and by the fact that he likes one girl in five years or something like that, I don't have any reason to believe that he was lying to me. But for me the problem I think it was the relationship itself because we were only two months together before the incident.

I totally understand that if I were in his shoes and got depression I wouldn't want the other one to be with me because I would have feel as an extra burden to him. I was also the one who had told him that it might be unfair for him to keep on ahving a long distance relationship because I wasn't there. But he was the one who wanted to continue. Also, there were two times before the death that he told me that he didn't want to talk with me because he was feeling down. This was probabaly an indicator of what was going to happen after the death.

But then it comes the hard part that I cannot even understand myself although I try to put myself in their shoes. I accept the fact that they don't want a relationship with anyone (not particularly with me) because they don't have the energy to devote and maybe they would feel that it is undair towards us. (I remember when my ex broke up with me he told me: "but if I have an apathy towards everything and towards you, isn't this really unfair"? My ex used to say that he wanted to make me happy. So I guess he realised that he cannot).

(read here answers by people under depression and what they are thinking of having a relationship

http://m.qfak.com/health/mental_health/?id=1384009

I really can't accept this part, but why not talking to us like they are talking to their friends? I really cannot understand how it works but it seems that this is the case either if they were other issues behind the breaking off or not, either they returned back at the end or not. They didn't have any contact in the between but I really find it hard to find the reason.

[kayc]

Niamh,

I agree with you and like that you are looking at it as a success, which I see too, as that you played an instrumental role in her life and it wasn't, therefore, a waste. Sometimes we think we are in someone's life for "forever" when it's actually to be only for a time, and once we get past the emotional part, we can accept that easier.

You ask how long it was before Jim and I could talk...we went a few months with zero communication whatsoever, and then when it resumed, he was yanking me around emotionally off and on, talking every day, then not for two weeks, etc., leading me to believe one thing then another, and when he hurt me the last time I told myself "NO MORE!" and from that point forward I was okay. No matter what he said or did or didn't do, I was okay, because I wouldn't let him affect me emotionally. So I'm in a good place. I have accepted that we are not going to be more than we are. I thought I was over him, but being here and hearing other people go through the same things, it made me remember a lot, and I have explored my feelings and I realize I am not quite to the place of indifference, but I'm okay with that too, as I'm not dating and not hoping for anything or seeking anything. I'm content just to ride it out and whatever is, is. I don't see him in a place for a healthy relationship with me or anyone else, unless it's just as a friend. Lately he's been giving confusing signals again, and again, I'm leaving that with him and not responding to it. I feel I'm doing okay and that's the main thing. He's responsible for fixing himself, I'm responsible for me, period.

Pollara,

Perhaps they didn't talk to us like their friends because they feel guilty for breaking up with us? I don't know. It's hard for me to wrap my head around whatever they're thinking/doing because I truly don't get it, how can I when I haven't been dealt with honestly and forthrightly?

[TDoubleU]

Those are all very resonant points. There were many indicators that she been emotionally troubled in the past, but was in a centered place when we met. And again, the ability to keep control of one's life, professionally and personally, is a really good mask for what is going on internally. After her dad got sick, the depression kicked into overdrive and sort of took over. She missed days of work, quite a few of them actually. A number of which I stayed with her and helped her get through, at her request. There were so many things that I did, that she wanted me to and felt good about me doing, that got turned around and used against me at the end. When she was breaking up with me, and this is where this points that have been made really resonate, she said that she started hesitating to text me because she knew I would call her if she did. She started to resent me and be angry that I was invading her space. To put things in perspective here, we had not had any face-to-face time in over a month and we talked on the phone once or twice a day. We exchanged maybe a couple of text messages a day. All things that were established levels of communication and nothing that she ever mentioned being a problem. She said that talking with me had become a burden on her that she could not handle. This is part of where the retroactive "respecting boundaries" thought process started to come to the front. This is something that happened very quickly, again we are talking about a substantially short time frame. After she had her surgery, I think the full weight of everything that happened just came crashing down on her. And how could I blame her? Grief and depression are obviously powerful things.

And to continue the thought process, I do indeed believe that there is a predisposition in certain people to behave this way. It makes sense if you really take the time to think about it. I have some personal experience with anxiety, depression and abandonment. My route has taken me the opposite direction which is to reach out and hold on to those that I care about. To openly be willing to rely on their support and their love. The other main reaction type is to push away to keep people from getting too close, because once they are close they can hurt you. Or you can hurt them. Either outcome leaves a lot of guilt and shame and lousy feelings. And when you have a lot of those feelings stacked on top of each other already, putting any more weight on that possibility could and probably will put someone right over the edge.

I really appreciate this dialogue, I wish I could say that it has eased to pain. But it has opened my eyes to knowledge, and that is extremely important. Now comes the hard part, separating myself from the love that I feel for her. I was asked recently if I loved her or the idea of her. My response was delayed as I really had to consider my answer. In the end, I came up with the following -

I love her. I would not have been capable of doing the things that I did if I was in love with an illusion. I would not have been able or allowed to offer what I did if it was not mutual and not real. Being in love with an idea means many times looking past or glossing over someone's flaws and imperfections. I love her because I saw and embraced those imperfections as something truly beautiful. And despite what has happened, I still love her. And as that is the case, my responsibility is to let her go, because that is exactly what she has asked me to do. I told her many times that I would do what it takes to be a good man to her and to take action that allowed for her to find her inner happiness and peace. In this case, I have to do the one thing that is truly the most difficult and painful thing there is - move on. There is obviously a part of me that is really struggling with that. I know what needs to be done, but just because I know it does not mean that it is in any way easy. I keep having little glimmers of hope here and there, and I would really like for those to burn out already. I hate this feeling more than anything. But again, it is all about enduring for the sake of someone else. If I can be successful in doing so, I am sure that I will be set up to be an even better man and partner in my next relationship.

[Pollara]

I think what doesn't leave us to move on easily it is the fact itself. I have been through break ups and blieve me it is the first time that I took it like that. Because in the other cases I knew that we both did mistakes (usually it is not one's fault) and at the end of the day I thought that there were reasons for breaking up. But this time it is the reason itself. As you mentioned before, it is the first time that the reason: "it is not you, it is me" is real. And really it feels real to me too. But then it is this unfairness that makes things more difficult. Yes as KayC had told me when I started writing here, why, was it fair for them to lsoe their beloved one and go through this? Of course not. But at the same time it is unfair for us. Because there is no real reason behind it. You know it would have been 1000 better to come and tell me: you know I got bored of you, I don't like you anymore or even I like other girl.

At this point it might be sudden but it is just the shock and the hurt of our ego that make it difficult. But after some time you really feel better because you know that the other one didn't deserve you and you deserve better. But thinking that if the death hadn't taken place things would have been different really makes you feel like that. At least I feel like that. I cannot even blame myself for something. But at the same time how can I blame someone that he is mentally ill?

[kayc]

While it's not their fault that they were grieving and they didn't bring this on themselves...they did bring it on us through their response. They chose to push us away, to exclude us. Millions of people go through loss and do NOT choose to exclude their family/friends, so what is different here? We many never know. Perhaps mitigating circumstances we weren't aware of. Perhaps it would have happened anyway...perhaps it wouldn't, but it did and we'll never know what would have been had this not taken place this way. You're right, Pollara, it'd be easier to get over if we had something to blame, if they'd decided we weren't right for each other and told us that, if we knew some reason, if something made sense.

I've concluded that in the end, it doesn't matter what the reason is or isn't, it's up to us to move on, to get over them, however long it takes, and it takes determination. I'm getting there, I'm most of the way there, the tough part is behind me...the only part I haven't conquered yet is the being indifferent as to whether he gets in a relationship or not. And perhaps it's not because I'm not over him,. perhaps it's because I don't feel he deserves it. I mean I feel deceived, betrayed, cast aside, and through no fault of my own! Will I ever feel different? Probably not. If he could explain it to me it might help. Is that likely...probably not. Having someone you loved so much deal with you in a less than honest/candid way does not feel good.