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Just Lost 3.5 Years Later


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Hello and love to all here, those who remember me and to those who I don't yet know, I'm sorry you've become part of this "Club".

I know I haven’t been here in quite some time. Life has thrown me to the wolves the last year.

Long story short my Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last October, had a mastectomy 2 weeks later so was cancer free THANKFULLY after it but still had to go through preventative chemo which started in December. She had 4 sessions from Dec to March and was hospitalised each time with severe reactions & was also hospitalised couple of others times during it ……pretty much all chemo related.

She spent 2 full weeks of Christmas in hospital and had very bad breathing problems and was told she had onset of COPD & had to get oxygen at home to take 16 hrs a day. However that was not the case as we finally realised after chemo was finished, it was all because of the chemo. I had to take her to the ER so many times this year, had to call an ambulance one night at 3 am, panic is an understatement. I have no words for the nightmare it’s been, I'm not a fan of hospitals after losing my Dad there.thankfully it was a different hospital my Mom was treated in.

She is doing much better now, still on a secondary treatment until November. But it has all really taken it’s toll on me being the only person responsible for her & doing all this without my Dad.

Thankfully I became friends with a guy living next door to me in January and he was an unbelievable support to me. He is so understanding of grief and loss and just really helped me through. We became the best of friends and I got very used to him being there all the time. He gave me a sense of security that I lost after losing my Dad. In recent weeks he’s become distant and I am really struggling with my own insecurity now again since. I feel like the last 10 months I just had to bottle up everything about missing my Dad because I had to keep my sanity to look after my Mom………..I guess adrenalin kept me going. Now that it’s all calmed down with my Mom, not having had my Dad around for it all is really hitting me again. I feel so lost and alone, friends are being so so good and supportive but it’s this constant male contact and support that I got used to and now I feel somewhat deserted yet again.

I’m so weary from everything that is being thrown at me. I have new challenges in work that I am trying not to worry about, I’m sure it will be fine but it’s like all the confidence I regained over the last couple of years is disappearing again. I don’t like the insecurity I get, it’s not who I am, I hate the neediness I feel and I don’t know how to handle it. This guy is the only male who I really felt has been there for me fully this year (family included!!!!!) but I’m not his “responsibility” at the end of the day. I hate that I got so dependent on him, being around him made me happy which was something I never thought I would even comprehend again not to mind actually be. I think I know deep down he's not really going to "leave", we've become so close and I've also helped him through a lot. But i can't get rid of my fear or insecurity now.

The summer is hard too, my Mom has been down missing my Dad. We’ve been having a heatwave and they would have been out driving, having picnics so so much. Some of her close friends are also off on holidays with their husbands pretty much till the end of August. So it’s hurts seeing her on her own in the summer evenings. She’s “ok”, probably better than I am but it still stings me.

Maybe I just need time to process all that has happened as it happened so fast. Maybe it’s only now it’s all fully hitting me and I am totally over sensitive, over thinking everything, I just don’t know. I just feel so lost.

I've had 2 friends mention counselling again to me, it's at the back of my mind alright so I don't know. I can't seem to take the next step. Maybe I feel too broken & nothing can really fix anything, I don't know.

(((hugs))) to all,

Niamh

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Hello again, dear Niamh. When I first came on this forum I found myself reading many different posts even though the reason for my being here was because I had just lost my husband of forty years. My parents were both gone so I was interested in reading about stories of those who had lost their parents. It has been awhile since I saw your name but I do remember you and how much love you have for your Dad. I was so impressed when I read the eulogy you wrote and how much love came through you. I remember you saying that your Dad was such a ‘gentleman’ and his smile lit up a room.

I am so sorry to hear of all the struggles you have been through this past year with your Mom’s health. You have had much to deal with and seem to have taken on that caregiving with all the love you have in you. I am glad that it has calmed down for you. I am sorry that you are not getting the support from the male friend who has been around for you. It must be so hard for you since he provided you with a sense of security.

All those feelings of loss for your Dad seem to be resurfacing which is what happens in grief. I am so glad that you are back here talking about all of your feelings because that is what helps us to continue to heal. It is good to always reach out and if you think talking to someone is what you need then I’m sure you’ll find someone. I hope you have grief counselors where you are because they are the ones who know about loss of loved ones and they are the ones who can help you sort feelings out. All you are going through is ‘normal’ and even expected in loss.

I shall keep you in my heart and send you prayers and hugs. Anne

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Niamh,

You have been through so much, perhaps counseling would be of great help to you. Have you talked openly with your friend about the distance you are feeling? It could be a misunderstanding or communication problem...or it could be he feels you need the self-reliance. At any rate, I'd let him know that you value him but try not to come across as over-needy as that could overwhelm him and cause him to pull back even more. That you know he's not deserting you is good.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through with your mom. These last couple of years have been quite an emotional journey for me as well, as we had to take my mom to court to get her diagnosed (she has Dementia) and my brother became power of attorney and she's been placed in a Dementia Care Facility as she needed 24/7 lock down. It's been a period of learning.

Sometimes, as Anne says, when we are going through something it can cause the old feelings of grief to resurface and compounds...and grief counseling can help us find a road map through it.

Please keep us posted...we care.

Kay

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hi Anne,
thank you so much for your lovely message. I am very sorry for the loss of you husband. My parents were married 39 years, never made it to their 40th.
Thank you too for your beautiful words about my eulogy, still surprises me that I managed to actually do it but it's something I will treasure for the rest of my life.
I have definitely buried a lot in the last 10 months, prior to that I talked very regularly about things. I do appreciate your prayers and hugs, much needed that's for sure.
hi Kay,
thank you too as always for your very kind words. I haven't talked to my friend yet about the distance I am feeling. I feel very confused myself not being able to differentiate between me being needy and sensing something is off. We used to talk 7 days a week,now just about once a week and I am scared I will come across as needy & insecure and push him away further as you say. I feel like I would feel better if I knew things were ok with him but that also makes me feel too dependent on him to feel ok. I'm just a big broken mess !
I am very sorry to hear about your Mom, I do recall when it was starting a while back. Wow, you also have it so very tough ((hugs)) to you. I can't even imagine how hard all that is.
Well I did take another step on Wed night and went and spoke with a grief counsellor. I feel like I'm right back where I was 3.5 yrs ago. I'm going to give it a go and see so I go back again Tuesday and plan to go once a week for now. She did mention complicated grief which was probably no surprise to me really. I guess as much as I thought I was dealing with things, maybe there are parts that I am completely unaware of and just cannot deal with on my own.
thank you both again so much for the loving support.
Niamh
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Niamh,

I think everything you re experiencing is normal under the circumstances. You're going through a pretty rough spot right now. (((hugs))) I have always been a believer in the straight open approach. Maybe just tell him you sense a little distance or pulling back and you just want to know if everything is okay, or if you're being too much for him. That opens the door for him to be candid and it'll let you know how he's feeling...unless of course he denies there being anything because he doesn't want conflict in which case you won't have an answer but will just have to go by feel.

My mom's dementia is one thing, but now I see signs of it starting in one of my older sisters...that scares me. Sometimes it's good that we can't read the future.

I'm glad you spoke to a grief counselor, and it's not surprising she sees you as having complicated grief. That doesn't mean you aren't dealing with things, just you have a lot on your plate. Still, it's always good to get a grief counselor's guidance, they step back and observe and can be perceptive about things in a way that it's hard for us to do when we're in the middle of it.

Wishing you the best, always,

Kay

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thanks again so very much Kay for taking the time for me, I really appreciate it. I haven't yet seen or spoken to him, maybe I'm afraid right now I feel so fragile I will just cry and get very upset in front of him. I go to my second session tonight so will speak to her about it.
I would give anything to just have my old life back with my Dad.
oh Kay that is very worrying with your sister, I am sorry to hear that. Is there anything that can be done to "help" if caught early, sorry I'm pretty ignorant on that.
I am kind of looking forward to the session tonight. They do use this CBT method which I'm a bit wary of because it seems to focus on "here's the problem" now let's work to resolve it but I feel like I'm so all over the place I can't pinpoint any one single problem. But I definitely plan on giving it time.
much love hugs and peace to you Kay,
Niamh
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Most of the time they don't do much for Dementia until it's so far gone it's too late. The doctors don't know the patients as well as we, their families, do. They don't have anything to compare to so tend to not take it seriously.

I hope you have a good session tonight. gosh, life is just plain hard sometimes, isn't it!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hello Niamh,

Its been a long while! I think it must be some kind of cycle. I've been feeling the same way lately. Looking back, these 3 and 1/2 years really seem like a blur. Where has my life gone? I wonder.

I've been busy keeping one foot in front of the other, being there for my family, and facing situations and problems I had never come across before. In many of those situations I find myself thinking my dad would have been of great help and that keeps reminding me he is not here and oh well, getting those SUG waves (Sudden Unexpected Grief I think its called) and find myself crying and really wondering about the future, my family's future and mine.

I am sorry you have been through a lot. Thank God your mom is doing ok. I think all of the grief for your dad resurfaces when facing difficult times, at least that happens to me. It is part of being human and dealing with those feelings of loss. Let me tell you, I'm sure your dad is very proud of you for taking care of your mom the way you have. Like I told someone else on this forum, life doesn't come with a manual of instructions, we just learn to deal with situations as they come along. This is one of them, you are doing great in dealing with the entire situation. However, don't forget to take care of yourself. If you are not ok, you can't be 100% helpful to others.

I keep being reminded of that, so I just wanted to tell you I am glad you are seeing a counselor that will help you sort through all those emotions and life experiences to move forward. You are doing great with how you've handled what life has thrown in front of you.

Be gentle with yourself, we all go through rough patches and they are part of life. Continue to reach out, it will be a positive experience for you :-)

Good to see you again.

Hugs,

-L

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Hi Daughter2010,

It's so great to hear from you, thanks so much as always for your never ending support.

Yeah my Mom is doing even better now again than last time, a day I really wasnt sure would come so its an almighty relief.

Oh how I wonder too where my life has gone. I feel like there's a tiny part of my finally wanting something back again as hard as it is but I guess it has to be a good thing.

Thanks so much for all your encouragement. Although I haven't doubts at times about my Dad "still being with me", I think underneath it all he has to be somehow helping me through.

The counselling has been such an eye opener it has truly stunned me. I will share it in a separate post actually for anyone to see. I have certainly been one of the most "stubborn" for want of a better word when it came to going to see one.

Lots of love hugs and thanks to you & as always wishing you much peace and hoping we all find as happy a place as we can in life again,

Niamh

Xoxo

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