I Need Your Help With A Grief Question

[WaltC]

I have been reading a great little book Healing After Loss by Martha Hickman. It contains brief one page daily readings to help people work through their grief.

The theme for November 22nd was:

“Sometimes the best choice is to be in my grief, sometimes not”

The author says that sometimes we get used to living in the grieving mood and find it more “comfortable” to stay with than to make the effort to move away from the grief.

She writes:

“We are the best judges of when to stay in our grief and when to move on to something else” – I completely agree with that statement.

She goes on to say that we have to accept responsibility for the choices that we make. – I also agree with that.

She concludes by writing that it is important “to recognize the difference between grieving over the loss of a loved one and continuing to cherish that person.”

I know that I will cherish my dear Jeannie forever. I am definitely not“comfortable” with this grief, but I can’t foresee ever getting used to living without my wife.

My question is - How will I know when I can stop the grieving process?

[spela]

Walt,

I don't think I have the right answer. My approach to reading about grief is somehow different. I don't try to understand everything. If there's something I can't accept I don't try to - because it would only take my energy away and at the end I still won't accept the idea. That's why I don't have any answer to this. I would just turn the page and continue with something I can accept and understand.

Probably I didn't help you a lot? Maybe others know more ...

[Liv]

Walt,

Like I have heard and discussed with others: We NEVER stop grieving. I think we just learn to accept it as part of something we cope with everyday. Also realize everyone has their own pace and time they need to grieve. I think with the holiday's coming it will bring about a lot of emotions that may be new for some of us and old for others. Try not to think of grieving as a negative thing. It is a part of life and a part of this whole process. All I can say is you will know. Something will awaken in you and you will figure out how you want to handle your daily grieving. There is no need to rush things. Hope I was some help.

Liv

[MartyT]

My question is - How will I know when I can stop the grieving process?

My dear Walt,

I have to ask you a question. If you had lost one of your limbs, would it be appropriate for someone to ask when you would stop noticing / missing / grieving the absence of your leg or your arm?

It seems to me that losing your beloved Jeannie is not unlike losing a significant part of yourself, as if half of you is gone. Grief is not an illness from which you will recover; it more closely resembles an amputation. Although an essential part of you has been severed and is no longer there in a physical way, you still remember vividly how much that part meant to you. While over time you may grow accustomed to your plight, to some extent you will struggle every day of your life to accommodate and adjust to the physical absence of that important part of you.

This loss of Jeannie will be with you for the rest of your life, Walt. That is not to say that you will always mourn as intensely as you are grieving now, but you will never, ever forget your beloved Jeannie. As you have already discovered, rather than recovering from your physical loss of her, you are finding ways to incorporate her life and her love into the rest of your life. Jeannie is a part of you and always will be, and sometimes you will remember her with joy, and other times with tears. Both are okay.

Adjusting to Jeannie's physical absence in your life is not the same as "accepting" her death, either. We all must understand the fact that our precious loved ones have died and it is real, but there are some things in life that simply aren't acceptable. Some things are a mystery, beyond our understanding, and we all must find a way to live with them, just as you are doing now.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Maylissa]

Marty,

That was one of the best analogies I've ever heard ~ grief is like an amputation. And the longer one has had that 'limb' ( that special someone ) and considered it to play a vital part in one's life, the harder it is to have it suddenly missing. I also appreciated what you said about "accepting" death; that it's not really acceptable, at all, ever, in our hearts. This is how I've always felt about it and yet it's not what we're accustomed to hearing. But I think it's certainly more truthful. I will be spreading these views around from now on, as I think they're so helpful to the understanding of grief. Thank-you for that!

[Charlie]

MartyT,

Thank you for your reply to WaltC post. I never really thought about it that way, losing a limb or accepting this loss. I do not accept it and I know I never will, you just move on with your life without them and try to make each day as meaningful as you can. It has been 1 year for me but the pain is still so fresh and I refuse accept this loss, I just deal with it and know it will be a part of me for the rest of my life. I try now to look back on our life together and remember all the good and happy times and feel so forever gratful that I was lucky enough to have such a good man and husband for all of 46 years. This gives me peace and just knowing he would not want me to forever grieve makes me take each day, one day at a time.

Grace

[kayc]

Walt,

I don't think the grieving process ever really ends, but rather evolves...for myself, I know I will always miss George, I have had to learn to live with the pain and the hole he has left inside of me. As I carry that pain and that hole, it is a reminder of all that he was and is to me, a reminder that he is not here, but he is somewhere, waiting for me, and we will be together again. I give myself permission to experience joy in life, to have happiness wherever I can find it, to try and live life to the fullest...yet suddenly, unexpectedly, come those "grief bursts", as if out of nowhere, and they are triggered by seemingly trivial things...the other day I saw a can of bug spray George had bought and that set me off...the stupidest things are a reminder of him and of how much I miss him, everything he did, who he was, everything about him. I will forever mourn that loss, but I do not want it to stop me from living, for I am in the land of the living, and when I am done here, I will join him. I think he knows that, that I love him, that I miss him, that he will always be the world to me. There is no way they could ever be forgotten, replaced, dismissed...we carry them in our hearts and in our souls...forever.

KayC

[WaltC]

This is my FIFTH attempt at this reply. I am having problems with the new format so please be "nice" to me.

I have typed several replies, but when I click on a "bold off" or "italics off" symbol I lose all that I have typed, so I will stay away from the "fancy" stuff.

FIRST - Thank You to all who have responded to the original question. These comments have helped me make it through a gloomy, snowy day here.

I will try to remember all the positive times that Jeannie and I shared over the years and through the Holiday Season. She did most of the work, while I played Scrooge.

Miracle on 34th Street - the good B/W version was on TV today. Jean and I always enjoyed watching that one every year so I felt her presence and that was good. However, based on the quantity of tears that flowed I am not looking forward to this Christmas Season.

With your continuing support and understanding I will survive and hopefully be able to give similar support to others.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

[kayc]

Walt,

Your comment about hoping to be able to help others who go through it is an instrumental one...the Bible talks about how we are supposed to comfort others with the comfort we have been given...I think somehow that one of the good things that comes out of these dark places we go through is that we learn and try to bring something positive or useful out of it, that we try to spread what we have received to others. It in no way makes up to us for our loss, for any one of us is wishing today that we could only bring back our loved one, if only for a moment, that we would do anything we could for that to happen...but of course, we know we can't. These holidays seem the hardest. I just found out my son won't be able to come home for Christmas, my first without him, and at my hardest Christmas ever, that's going to be tough,but I can't help but feel it will be even tougher on him, for he is also grieving and needing to "be home" (he's in the military), and he will be missing all of us and all alone. I don't know why we go through these hard places...I only know we have to survive them, and we have to look for something good around us...sometimes that takes a lot of effort. Today it is raining hard, but rain or cold, I am wanting to go for a walk and see some beauty in this world. I'd like to think that George is looking down and can see some of it...like you and your Jeannie looking at your star together. God be close to you today and always, we treasure your friendship and your kind spirit.

KayC

[Charlie]

Kayc,

Your reply to Walt hit home for me. Learning to grieve and help others has come home to us. When my husband died a year ago my youngest daughter did all she could for me to help me get thru this loss we both endured. Now her husband has told her he does not love her anymore and wants out of their marriage. She loves him dearly and is suffering a lot of pain. I am doing all I can for her to help her thru this just like she was there for me a year ago. She said to me " Maybe Gods work we do not understand at first, because I could not believe he took my wonderful dad, but now that I am suffering a different kind of loss, you are able to help me in a way no one else could ever understand, maybe that was Gods plan" I was so taken back by her words because she never looked to God like this before. Gave me a lot of faith.

Just wanted to share that with you all.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 - 10/20/04

[Richard]

Hi everyone,

My name is Richard and I live in Newfoundland, Canada. On Oct 31, 2005, my beautiful spouse and best friend Debbie died after a 2 1/2 year battle with bone cancer. She would have been 35 in December. We've been together for 13 years and we loved each other unconditionally. I was 18 years older than her but the love we shared outweighed the age gap.

8 years ago, I lost my 20 year old son to a drunk driver, if not for Debbie, I would have surley died from grief...even in her pain she was my pillar.

Now that Deb is gone I feel that my life has no purpose, everywhere I go and everything in our home has Debbie all over it. I feel so alone, empty and God knows what else!

Debbie was a kind, caring, loving person who not only was she struck by this terrible disease, but God also decided to make her suffer to the very end.

Sometimes I think that I am being punished for some unknown reason...wasn't losing a child enough, now I lost the best person in the world and I worry that I will not pull through. Hope someone out there can offer some help.

Thank you

Richard

[WaltC]

Hello Richard - I am so sorry that we have to meet on this forum, but it has helped me survive these past few dark months.

My wife Jean, for over 40 years, died from cancer on April 13, 2005 just two days after her 59th birthday. Jean had lived with increasingly disabling MS for over 20 years and was only diagnosed with terminal liver cancer on January 3rd of this year.

Jean also suffered a lot in her last few weeks on earth so I can appreciate how you feel. I also question my purpose for living and I am familiar with that empty lonely feeling.

I wish that I could offer some help. I did read a LOT of books on grief and searched thru Google for articles and forums like this one. Also the Hospice unit at the Hospital helped provide some material.

One site that I found to be particularly helpful was www.centerforloss.com.

There are some excerpts from books there that I found to be excellent.

The best advice that I got early in the grief was to just take one hour, then one day, then one week at a time. So far that has worked, but the Christmas season is going to be very very tough.

What part of NL are you in? Near St. John's?

I live in southern NB, I used to travel to NL when I worked for the local telephone company. I am now retired.

[ustwo]

I woke up this morning deciding to "live" again after four dark days of despair. And another holiday comes our way. Marty's response to this question made so much sense. I never really thought the grief would ever go away but somehow become something easier to live with. Grief is a shadow now for the rest of my life I did not want. And just as a shadow changes from long to short and then disappears at dark, it's how I expect grief will be as long as the sun comes up and goes down. I have to remember that when the sun shines Gene is with me and when the stars shine Gene is with me. The love we share is the fiber of my being! All of us "left behind" bare the grief but we also carry the LOVE only we know. It'll never go away but perhaps one day it will be easier to carry.

Richard,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know they are empty words but I do know your pain....we all know your pain. All of us are going through this journey together. I do not believe God takes a soul to punish anyone. And in HIS time we will know our purpose. We would not grieve so much if the Love we share was nothing but powerful and wonderous. It is not easy trying to survive as half but somehow we do. You will find support here at this site as you journey. You will find that everything you feel everyone understands and is ok. The people here suffering have saved my sanity.....we will be here always.

I lost a child 37 yrs ago. I lost my mother March,2005. I lost my beloved, Gene, June,2005. Sometimes the pain seems too much to bare. Someone here always listens.

One day at a time but not alone.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Dusky]

Hello to all - and a Thank you to Mary T.,

Thank you so much Mary T. for your explanation of grief – as being more like the loss off a limb – like an amputee. I have red many books on the subject of grief since the loss of my Dear Jack – although I recall the loss of a limb being mentioned as the best example of grief – your explanation is by far the best and the easiest to understand.

My loss will in fact be with me forever – I will never forget – but I am determined to – as you say – “accommodate and adjust to the physical absence of that important part of me”. My Jacks loss is just like the loss of part of me – many parts of me.

Thank you so much for your insight – you are a wonderful and caring person.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[kayc]

Richard,

God does not take away a life to punish us, He loves all of us too much for that. I have learned not to question "why" so much as "what now?" and the "what now" as Evelyn put it, is one day at a time. We look for good wherever we can find it, even if it's stretching it a bit, and we try to help others in our effort to make sense of it. It's hard and it's lonely, and if not for this forum...I don't know. I love each person here and care in a special way for them. Some get more pain in this life, some less, but it comes to most of us some time or another. I'm sorry you've had so much. We try to focus on the good we had with the person. The holidays, as Walt said, are hard. I'll keep you in my prayers along with the others.

KayC

[MartyT]

My question is - How will I know when I can stop the grieving process?

Here is yet another griever's response to the important question you're raised, Walt:

When Does Grief End?

Grief hits us like a ton of bricks,

flattens us like a steamroller,

hurls us into the depths of despair.

We know in a flash when grief hits,

but when does it end?

Like the month of March,

grief rushes in like a lion

and tiptoes out like a lamb.

Sometimes, we don't know when grief leaves,

because we won't let go of the lion's tail.

Why do we hold on so long?

Grief offers us safety,

protection from the world.

We don't want to let go

because we secretly fear

that we'll forget our loved ones,

and we don't want to forget – ever.

We don't want to let go

because we fear the future

and having to face life without our loved ones.

We don't want to let go

because we make the mistake

of measuring our grief with the depth of our love –

when neither has anything to do with the other.

How do we know when grief has run its course?

How do we know when we've grieved enough?

Cried enough?

"Died" enough?

How do we know when it's time to let go of the tail?

We know when we feel joy again, in something or someone.

Joy in living. Joy in life.

We know when we wake up in the morning and our first thought is on something other than our loss.

We know when we look ahead with a smile

and back with fond memories,

and when we no longer dread the nights.

We know when our life starts filling up with new interests and people,

and we start reaching for the stars

Grief ends when we let go of the tail.

Margareet Brownley,

"When Does Grief End?"

Bereavement Magazine , January/February 2002

Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc. (888-604-4673)

[Maylissa]

We don't want to let go

We don't want to let go

because we make the mistake

of measuring our grief with the depth of our love –

when neither has anything to do with the other.

Thanks for this, too, Marty. I've read this before and can agree with most of it, except for this one section, above. I always thought this makes sense, have certainly heard this said BY many grievers themselves, and have definitely FELT this as true. After all, when we don't love someone, or not so much, we usually don't grieve the same way, to the same depths, if we grieve at all. How could one NOT have anything to do with the other????? I don't get it.

Edited December 1, 2005 by Maylissa

[MartyT]

How could one NOT have anything to do with the other????? I don't get it.

Here is how I read it, Maylissa. I think it refers to that feeling or irrational thought that, if I stop mourning my loss of you, if one day I notice that my pain has diminished even the least little bit, it must mean that I really don't love you enough to keep mourning the loss of you. We confuse loving with hurting. This is why I think it's so important to understand what is meant by the notion of "letting go." We need not "let go" of our loved one and the relationship or bond we have with our beloved, because the love we have between us does not die. Yes, our loved one has died, but we have not yet died -- and if we are to go on living in any meaningful way, we must find a way to "let go" of the pain of that loss.

[WaltC]

.... We need not "let go" of our loved one and the relationship or bond we have with our beloved, because the love we have between us does not die. Yes, our loved one has died, but we have not yet died -- and if we are to go on living in any meaningful way, we must find a way to "let go" of the pain of that loss.

Yes Marty, I agree, but that is MUCH easier said than done, especially at this time of the year.

LETTING GO

"to "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. - to "let go" is to fear less and love more."

[ustwo]

Walt expressed it right...."easier said then done". My head knows what this reality is. My heart only hurts. My soul searches for something.

It's a battle every moment and there's no victory at the end of each day. But I will try again tomorrow.

Always Gene!

Always!

[MartyT]

Yes Marty, I agree, but that is MUCH easier said than done, especially at this time of the year.

Oh my dear Walt,

You will never, ever hear me say that any of this grief work is easy. What you will hear me say, repeatedly, is don't try to do it alone. Please keep coming here over this difficult holiday period, and I hope you will stop feeling as if you must be "up" or "helpful" or "wise" or anything else for the rest of us. The very best present you can give to us is your presence. This forum would not be the same without you, and I for one cannot bear the thought of your not being here. Cry if you need to, rant and rave if you have to, be down if you must, or just come and read the posts of others without saying anything -- but please do not stay away. So many times with your beautiful words, you have been here for everyone else -- please give us the privilege of being here for you.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[kayc]

On 11/24/2005 at 1:25 PM, kayc said:

Walt,

I don't think the grieving process ever really ends, but rather evolves...for myself, I know I will always miss George, I have had to learn to live with the pain and the hole he has left inside of me. As I carry that pain and that hole, it is a reminder of all that he was and is to me, a reminder that he is not here, but he is somewhere, waiting for me, and we will be together again. I give myself permission to experience joy in life, to have happiness wherever I can find it, to try and live life to the fullest...yet suddenly, unexpectedly, come those "grief bursts", as if out of nowhere, and they are triggered by seemingly trivial things...the other day I saw a can of bug spray George had bought and that set me off...the stupidest things are a reminder of him and of how much I miss him, everything he did, who he was, everything about him. I will forever mourn that loss, but I do not want it to stop me from living, for I am in the land of the living, and when I am done here, I will join him. I think he knows that, that I love him, that I miss him, that he will always be the world to me. There is no way they could ever be forgotten, replaced, dismissed...we carry them in our hearts and in our souls...forever.

KayC

I wrote this just five months after George died.  Early on I realized the need to give myself permission to enjoy life where I could.  This is such an essential step in our journey!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Dear Kay, 

Your thoughts in the following post are also some of my hopes.  Thank you for putting it into words.

- I don't think the grieving process ever really ends, but rather evolves...for myself, I know I will always miss George, I have had to learn to live with the pain and the hole he has left inside of me. As I carry that pain and that hole, it is a reminder of all that he was and is to me, a reminder that he is not here, but he is somewhere, waiting for me, and we will be together again. I give myself permission to experience joy in life, to have happiness wherever I can find it, to try and live life to the fullest...yet suddenly, unexpectedly, come those "grief bursts", as if out of nowhere, and they are triggered by seemingly trivial things...the other day I saw a can of bug spray George had bought and that set me off...the stupidest things are a reminder of him and of how much I miss him, everything he did, who he was, everything about him. I will forever mourn that loss, but I do not want it to stop me from living, for I am in the land of the living, and when I am done here, I will join him. I think he knows that, that I love him, that I miss him, that he will always be the world to me. There is no way they could ever be forgotten, replaced, dismissed...we carry them in our hearts and in our souls...forever.

I am going to add this to my journal.  Inspiring reading.

Marita