My Best Friend Is Gone Before Her Time.... Because Of Me.

[chels92]

My 3 year old bunny passed away yesterday... and it was my fault. I'm utterly heartbroken.

She was everything to me. I did SO much research after behavioural and health issues with my last bunny and I got 2nd and 3rd opinions about the necessity of having rabbits spayed to prevent uterine cancer. The entire process made me sick, but since the risk of her breed getting cancer I was willing to do it to save her pain and suffering later in her life.

I found the best vet in the city... the procedure went well and upon waking up she crashed... The first call I got, I was told her heart stopped 3 times and she wasn't breathing on her own. I was certain that was it and I started to accept she was gone. The second call I got, she still wasn't breathing and they had reason to believe she was brain dead. We agreed they'd stop trying and I told them not to call me once she'd passed, I had to discuss with my family how we could handle her remains and I'd call the vet back. My dad called them back as my mom and I discussed what to do with her cage, etc... then my dad told us she had started breathing on her own. She was alive, strong breath and heartbeat. We went to see her. She was limp and still drugged up but alive. We went back a few hours after and she was much more herself. I got to hold her, I burst into tears because I was so relieved she was alive, and she was responding to me - it was looking up. We left and 10 minutes away we got a call saying she crashed again. We went back, the vet was working on her - it was heartbreaking so I had to leave. In the car I had told my dad we couldn't keep doing this and I didn't want her to suffer anymore, so though it was a decision I had made, he ended up having to tell them. It killed me that I couldn't see my responsibility to her through - especially since the entire reason she had the surgery, the reason she was there, the reason a decision had to be made in the first place was all my doing.

I didn't say goodbye to her before her surgery because though my gut told me something was off, I wanted to stay positive and I had struggled with the decision to have it done for SO long, trying to weigh the small risk (there is a 1% chance that a rabbit could die from this procedure) with the potential of giving her more healthy years. So that first phone call was horrible, realizing I should've said goodbye. I did take a picture with her at least. Then my dad telling me she was breathing.... I've never felt that relieved. Then to have that time to visit, see her improve and have her die after all.... I just have no words. I've always believed everything happens for a reason... but yesterday changed that. I can't possibly find a reason, not only that she would be the 1% but that it had to be such a rollarcoaster. There can't possibly be a reason that she literally died and came back to us just to leave again!

Then there's my family... she was mine and I took the time and financial responsiblity of taking care of her, but they were all so attached to her and I hate that this decision that I made has hurt them as well. I know I was doing it for the right reasons... but that really doesn't matter right now. I can't help but think of ALL the opportunities I had yesterday alone to change my mind about the surgery, take her home.... and she'd still be here. Every single action that got her into that operating room is on me. And not only is that decision hurting my family, it killed my best friend.

After that explanation I'm sure this sounds absolutely horrible, but I'm curious what people think about getting a new pet right away? I'm fully aware of the dangers of jumping into a new companion relationship so soon after a death but I know myself... and as honest as I am that having a new bunny (that I would ensure is a different colour, even a different but similar breed - I like lops) will be tough at points due to my loss.... and I'll admit I feel like a failure and I'm not even sure I deserve to be trusted with the life of another. I also know that since my bunny was so big in my life, not having a bunny in the cage outside my room or a bunny to hop around while I'm reading my textbooks on the floor in the hallway.... all the things in my life I adapted to include a bunny... I think that will make it even harder to get over.

Maybe I'm not explaining properly - I'm normally very well spoken, but I'm a complete mess right now. I would never get a new bunny to replace the one I had and it's not a decision I take lightly. But since everyone handles grief differently, and I truly believe I would be better equipped to grieve my bunny while building a new bond with another.... is it completely crazy that I'm considering this? I think if I went to the humane society and I could interact with the bunnies there... I'll know one way or another if it's the right time for me. I hate that in this whole ordeal I listened to "research" and "what was right" instead of my gut feeling. Right at this moment, my gut is telling me I'm not going to be okay with a house full of reminders that my bunny is gone, it's also telling me that having a new bunny to focus on would not replace her, but it would allow me to balance the grief with something more positive - something that needs me to buck up and take care of it and love it.

[MartyT]

My dear friend, there is so much I'd like to say to you, but I think for now this will suffice. I believe with all my heart that you have answered your own question, and you would be wise to listen to your own advice.

You said I hate that in this whole ordeal I listened to "research" and "what was right" instead of my gut feeling. Right at this moment, my gut is telling me I'm not going to be okay with a house full of reminders that my bunny is gone, it's also telling me that having a new bunny to focus on would not replace her, but it would allow me to balance the grief with something more positive - something that needs me to buck up and take care of it and love it.

No one knows you as well as you know yourself, my dear. If you take any time to read through some of the posts on this site and in this forum, you'll discover that everyone experiences and manages his or her grief in a way that is as unique as their own fingerprint, and don't ever let anyone tell you that your way is wrong. Give yourself time, but in the end, always, always listen to your own heart ~ or your gut, as you say. Do what brings you comfort, and know that what you did for your bunny who died was done with the very best of intentions.

You also said that you couldn't possibly find a reason why your bunny rallied for that brief period of time, but it seems to me that one reason could be so that you would have an opportunity to hold her in your arms and show your love and affection for her one last time. That is what happened, after all, and why not let that bring you the comfort you so desperately need right now?

I am so sorry for your loss, and you have my heartfelt sympathy. ♥

[kayc]

No it's not crazy that you want to get another bunny, and of course it wouldn't replace her, but it might help you. I don't look for "reasons" for everything that happens, my husband died eight years ago, and I can't find a "reason" in that, but I think sometimes things just happen...it's easier for me to accept that than some grand design that "makes" things happen, but I know some feel differently, whatever brings a person the most comfort I think.

You love your bunny and would have never done anything to hurt her and I don't believe for a second that you had a part in causing this to happen, you were trying to do what was best for her, and who's to say there wasn't something wrong that made this happen, something you aren't aware of, and that's why she died, not because of a procedure that should be relatively simple.

I am just so sorry you are going through this and am sorry for your loss and that of your family.

[steph.ny]

I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

[Leftover]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish there was something more to say that would make things easier, but I don't think there is.

"I'm curious what people think about getting a new pet right away?"

The only person whose answer matters is yours. You don't need to justify your decision (whatever it should be) to anybody. Do what you think is right.