Memories - 15 Months

[enna]

On the 25th of this month it will be fifteen months since my Jim died.

Oh, my goodness. Tears are rolling down my face. I went back to read some of the things I posted before my illnesses and I can’t believe how self-centered I am now. Only months ago my focus was on Jim and the deep pain of not having him with me anymore. I truly do still miss him like crazy. I am concerned that I have moved away from having him always in the forefront of my mind to focusing on my meager self. In my mind I know that he is always present but I do not think of him daily like I used to. To me, this is so self-centered and I don’t want to be. Or perhaps, before I beat myself up too much maybe I’m accepting Jim’s death and weaving him into all aspects of my life. Maybe he is with me during these days that my focus has been on self. Is this growth? Is this coming to terms with the reality, the finality of death? Am I moving through this journey none of us want to be on? Is this the awakening after the fog? Boy, I wish I could sit down and talk with someone who had all the answers to my questions! Instead, I come here to our fire and sit quietly in the safety of knowing that I will not be judged for these selfish thoughts. Anne

[feralfae]

On the 25th of this month it will be fifteen months since my Jim died.

Oh, my goodness. Tears are rolling down my face. I went back to read some of the things I posted before my illnesses and I can’t believe how self-centered I am now. Only months ago my focus was on Jim and the deep pain of not having him with me anymore. I truly do still miss him like crazy. I am concerned that I have moved away from having him always in the forefront of my mind to focusing on my meager self.

Dear Anne,

All those feelings you are having, I have had as well. Dear Heart, this is your own being, telling you to focus on yourself and to take care of yourself and survive. We gave so very much taking care of our Beloved, and now we must focus on our own care.

In my mind I know that he is always present but I do not think of him daily like I used to. To me, this is so self-centered and I don’t want to be. Or perhaps, before I beat myself up too much maybe I’m accepting Jim’s death and weaving him into all aspects of my life. Maybe he is with me during these days that my focus has been on self.

I think you are in a process of coming back more into balance, after being caught in storms and being in a toppling-over mode for a long time. I know Doug is with me every moment, and I am sure that Jim is also with you. It is just that sometimes, the world of the physical now enters into our grief, and we have no choice -- no rational choice -- but respond to our own need for attention and care as we did to the needs and cares of our Beloved. You must do this just as much as Mary must care for her eyes, I for my spinal cord functioning, and Harry for his blisters. It is our job, dear Anne. It is how we reaffirm our lives even in the midst of these shadows. We do all we can to grow strong and healthy, and to keep on living, for we know there is a reason we are here.

Is this growth? YES!

Is this coming to terms with the reality, the finality of death? Well, some of it, perhaps.

Am I moving through this journey none of us want to be on? Yes, because we cannot help but move through it if we are truly committted to the process and the pain.

Is this the awakening after the fog? To me, it certainly sound familiar and the same feelings of guilt and new levels of loss that I have been feeling these past few months.

Boy, I wish I could sit down and talk with someone who had all the answers to my questions! I don't know if this helped at all, but you can certainly call if you want to talk, I think you have my telephone number. I am only a few months ahead of you, so I may not have a very clear perspective, and some days I am totally in pieces, but today, thanks to the fudge and not too much to do, is pretty good so far.

Instead, I come here to our fire and sit quietly in the safety of knowing that I will not be judged for these selfish thoughts. Anne

I don't think any of your thoughts are selfish thoughts: they are normal, a part of the process of finding a new center, of finding new balance. We thought so long about Other that the shift to focus on Self is truly a jarring experience to our awareness and emotional system, I think. We are getting back in touch with ourselves, after being Other focused for a long time. You are not being selfish, you are being self-caring and self-aware. Marty will have wise words and links about this, I am sure. If you want to talk, I am here.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

fae, my dear, I cannot say any better what you have said already.

Dear Anne, I think you know that taking good care of yourself is your primary responsibility now, for if you don't do it, who will? And then who will be there to take care of Benji? Who will be there for your precious grandchildren and for the rest of your family? There is only one YOU, and it is up to you to take the best possible care of you so that you can bring your best self forward. I hope you will let go of the notion that good self-care is selfishness. On the contrary, it is the height of maturity and responsibility. ♥

[feralfae]

See, I knew Marty would say it better, more concise.

Thank you Marty, I learned from your words as well.
Who else, indeed?

Thank you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[HAP]

Dear Anne,

There is nothing self-centered in anything you say or do--however much it may feel that way inside your own brain. Just because it does not hurt with the intensity it once did all the time does not mean you are being selfish or self-centered. You are coming to terms with your new reality. Jim is tightly woven into that reality, never fear. But you have, indeed, begun to emerge from the fog that is the only way we can deal with that initial pain and keep ourselves alive.

I have no real memories from the first two years after Jane's death. There are snippets of things--but they are vague and disjointed, like the memories of early childhood. There is something consoling about wanting to have memories again--and being able to hold onto them. If we did not still have work to do in the world, we would not be here. Sometimes that work is for others--but sometimes it is for ourselves and our own long term growth. And there is nothing wrong with either one. Neither is selfish or self-centered.

For the rest, Marty and Fae have the right of it.

Peace,

Harry

[Wifflesnook]

Dearest Anne

I'm surrounded by family this morning and can only echo what Fae, Harry and Mart said. You are just doing what you have to do right now and Jim is inside you. My problem is different and I am struggling with it, and want to write it down properly in the hope for help from wise ones, but it will have to wait until I'm alone. Thanks heavens for this forum. Please just take care of yourself Anne as Jim would want and don't be hard on yourself. Peace

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I hope that you will find some help here. When you are alone, you will have time to reflect, sort your thoughts, and write them down. I have found that even the act of writing thoughts down, putting them on paper, and reading what I have written often helps me to figure things out that at first appeared to be problems or issues of large magnitude, but later, after pondering for a while, become much clearer and more manageable.

Peace and Love to you this day,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

My dear friends,

I do not want you to think that I do not appreciate your kind words so I come on to say that I do. I am not having an easy time right now. Hopefully, it will be temporary. I am or thought I was working on a balance in my life. Right now, I feel like a washing machine that is not loaded evenly and it makes this awful sound and dances around until you stop it and reload the clothes so it will go back to its rhythm.

My health issues have thrown me into another dimension that has been hard for me to wrap my mind around. It is NOT that I do not want and engage in self care - quite the opposite. I have been spinning in all directions doing what I've been told, caring for myself, reaching out to learn what it is I have to do only to find that another obstacle hits me before I've had a chance to understand what is going on - my body seems to be in charge right now and I'd rather it be my mind.

I know just enough to know that when the body starts to shut down there really isn't much we can do about it. I am trying to stay open to the fact that just because one's heart is not functioning properly it doesn't mean the other organs are right behind. Yet, each time I go to another doctor I'm being told that another organ is in failure. When does self-care mean that we allow nature to take its course! It is frightening to know you don't have control over something you work hard on most of your life. And this is my dilemma - I am fighting to take the best possible care of myself I can. I am grieving for the loss of the man I spent forty years with knowing that he will never be with me to hold me and comfort me. These thoughts can all be overpowering and yes, they can bring tears to your eyes so that you can't see clearly.

Okay, I have really moved into the 'self-pity' phase of this post. I will read it over and either delete it or let you see just how pathetic (I really don't believe I'm pathetic) I am right now!

After this, I'll go finish my Saturday work and enjoy the rain that we are finally getting here in the valley.

Today I can hear the music I have playing throughout the house. I have show tunes on right now. Anyone remember Sinatra's 'The Summer Wind'?

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

I just sent my phone number. I am between computer and stove, where Chana Dal is simmering.

Dear Anne, everything you are feeling and expressing is so natural, so honest, and so open, that I know many of us are sharing your pain and fear, your hope and despair, as we all ride this emotional roller coaster with you. I was thinking the ears were from the swimming pool, and it was time to get earplugs. Instead of infections.

I love you and I want to share and mirror your grief with you, and I also want to say that we are all going to need to talk more here about our self care and health. Harry's blisters. Mary's Eyes. Queenie Mary's eyes. Chris's BP. Karen's daughter. My spinal cord. Your heart and body. So many with health challenges. Is Marty the only healthy one amongst us?

Anne, please do call if you'd like and we can just natter. All of us are going to need to step up our play here while Mary is away taking care of her eyes and wearing shoes. And the rest of us are gorging on fudge, I hope. Except Harry, who is merely reading the Fudge posts and probably salivating. I am trying to make you smile, and I hope it is working.

Enough goofiness.

Dear Anne, realizing that Doug would never, ever take me in his arms and hold my head against his chest to comfort me has been the hardest acceptance I have had to make. Sometimes, I just lean against his closet door and pretend he is there, with his lean, strong body protecting me from the entire world. We did that for each other, and I know you and Jim did that as well. We made each other whole and safe, and joyful. Now I have tears. It is an entirely huge loss to accept that we will never, ever feel the touch of them again, against our skin. I am going through that shift now, at some varied levels of acceptance.

I think we fight for our lives, and for making them the best we can, because it is a part of this hero's journey we are all on. We have been beaten to the ground by mighty monsters of fear and loss, of amputation and disembowelment, and we are wounded, sometimes curled in corners, whimpering. It takes great courage to come out of curl and look around, and to begin to assay the world we live in, and our own present situation. Doing all of this uncurling from the corner is more than any one person could possible bear alone. That is why we do it here, with others. This is a huge undertaking, and I, for one, need all the help I can get. We help each other find a way.

Be here with us, please, and let us walk with you through this as much as we are able to do so here. We are sharing these days with each other, as we continue this journey. None of us knows what is on the other side of this next pass, this next river. We just go a step or five each day, as best we can, slipping and sliding sometimes, and we carry on.

One of Doug's last notes to me, he closed with "Carry On" and that is what I am doing my best to do, but some days, I just want to curl up in a corner and be out of the world. We deserve those days as well ... and need them, so as not to overtax the healing places.

I am nattering.

Be here with us when you are able, and share with us, let us help you carry all of this, as much as we are able.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Fae. You don't natter. You say so much which resonates with all of us. I'm sure we all know exactly what you are saying. And Anne, please share how you are feeling fully. Don't try to be brave. It's is the place where you can be totally honest. Jan

[kayc]

Okay, Anne, I won't try to talk you out of how you're feeling, but let me just say, none of us view you as self-centered, but perhaps you need to be for just a while.

[Mary1063]

Hi Anne,

What can I say? Maybe I don't belong in this thread, because I have not lost a spouse. However, first I need to say BLESS YOUR HEART. Secondly, I don't believe for a second that you're self centered. Look at how you support others here. Look at how you have supported Shannon and myself and my brother when he was still here. I cannot pretend to know your loss of your husband. However, having a failing heart, and going to drs and learning other organs are not well either... Is exactly what both my dear brothers lived.

You need to take care of you sweetheart. Just as Shannon has to take care of her even though Leo is gone.

I'm sorry you lost your beloved Jim fifteen months ago today. ((((((Hugs)))))) I think he is with you wanting only the best for you. And the best is to take care of his beautiful Anne!

Please go easy on yourself okay?

I'm with Shannon and she has just told me to tell you she sends you love. She is in a normal room, semi isolated. But wants to post here to everyone. When she gets more up to it. But she says this "Anne, please keep fighting for YOU... And I will keep fighting for me. Because that is what Your Jim and My Leo would want."

((((((((Hugs)))))))) and love and peace as you remember Jim.

[ShanN]

Dear Anne,

Yes, I did say that what Mary quoted above.

I love u. I'm so sorry your struggling.

[feralfae]

Dearest Anne,

My thoughts are with you today.

Much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you today, dear Anne, and holding you in a special place in our hearts. ♥

[enna]

Oh Shannon and Mary, thank you for your sweet messages of love. They touched my heart. Your news has brought big smiles to this face of mine. I am glad that you visit other posts - I have received much love from different posts. It matters not, I don't think, what our losses are - losses are all the same - they touch our hearts in such a way that kindness, sympathy, love, understanding pour out of our hearts in all directions.

I do heed the gently advice all here give to one another. I know that I am a good and caring person. I know that my heart reaches out to others. I really am working on my goodness. Every once in a while I just need to be reminded. Like all of us, we struggle to be strong when we really don't want to because that is what living is all about, isn't it.

Fae. Kay, and Jan - love you. I know you are with me. It is raining here in the valley and all my bones ache. Now I know why I'm NOT in the midwest anymore! Must have been all the dancing I did when young, ever so many years ago! Even my toes ache.

Today is fifteen months since Jim died. I am so much more awake. I know that I have come far on this grief journey. I know that I have made a conscious effort to take this journey with grace. I have not accomplished it without work. I am grateful for where I am and for all of you who have walked with me so far. As we have learned from so many before us - this journey will not end for us but we will be better able to continue it with grace and strength.

My thoughts today are on all of you who are healing in some way - my prayer is that our eyes, noses, ears, months,and hands do only good as we each move through our lives. May our blisters heal and may karma take care of all who cross our paths! Anne

ps - Thank you, Marty, I just saw your post. My prayer for all of us today. It is my favorite and I know I have posted it before.

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

Anne,

I am missing church today...at home with my precious dying granddoggy, Skye, who has gone downhill tremendously the last couple of weeks.

This song/video that you share here...I got as much out of its message as I'm sure I could have gotten out of church today. I needed reminded to be used as a channel. Sometimes we get impatient with people and their stupidity or their disrespect or hatred...I pray God will let us be His channels in this trying world.

Am still trying to find out more about the shooting at the WalMart that I go to yesterday. This is a sad world.

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

I was wondering about Skye and your visit. I am sorry to hear that the expected is happening, and I know you will handle everything with your usual grace, love, and compassion. You have a wonderful heart.

Yes, I love that version of "Channel" that Anne shared. It is my service today as well, and perfectly so. I am working on simply being in Peace today.

Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the Walmart shooting. Was the assailant on antidepressants? Does anyone know yet? There is such a very strong correlation that has been established, I always tell people to take St, John's Wort instead of corporate scripts if they need something.

Let your world be joyful today, as you celebrate the love of Skye, and the years you have all shared lives with each other. And you already know you will see each other again. I know it is not easy. I hope you can all find some Peace today, and have a wonderful dinner in celebration of your love.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Kay, I am so sorry to hear about Skye yet so very glad that he is there with you this week. Everything in this finite world is about life and death. We know in our minds that that is how it is, but in our hearts it's another story. Please rest and enjoy today. Anne

[kayc]

Anne and fae,

I am enjoying a wonderful dinner of Basmati Rice with a little bit of stir fried steak, red onions, red pepper, grated cucumber, and diced tomato, and some hot peppers, it's wonderful! The dogs enjoyed a tiny bit of steak.

I took a nap today, a rare treat for me, as I've been waking up very early to take care of the animals.

[LarrysGirl]

Anne, thinking of you at 15 months anniversary. I know you are doing the best you can to cope with the grief, your life and your health. It all can be so overwhelming. If we could just hold them for a moment, it would give each of us so much strength to carry on. They are with us and watch over us. I hope you made it thru this day okay, Deborah

[feralfae]

Dear Deborah,

I think they are holding us all the time.

I can feel Doug when I need him, right here with me, strengthening my heart. I miss his strong chest, but I have his support and Love all the time. He is here with me now, as these tears of longing flow. Life is not the same, yet, somewhere inside of me, life is the same, only with another dimension fully activated.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

[enna]

Thank you, dear Deborah, for your kind message. I have made it through this day as only we who know what it is like to lose the love of our lives. We finally have rain here in the valley. Gentle and long lasting here which we have not been blessed with all summer! How are YOU doing, dear lady? I would give anything to hold Jim just one more time. It is a lonely life without them here with us. Most of the time it is okay that I stumble around without Jim. Other times, like today, I want him with me so much. He loved the rain. We would sit on the patio and watch it fall - sometimes it would be a gentle rain and other times it would blow sideways. I used to love to get my hair wet in the rain. Benji does not seem to mind the rain. When he comes in I have a towel that I rub him down with and give him a treat. I think he is spoiled! No, I know he is spoiled.

Thank you, fae, for keeping me company today. I am grateful for your lit candle that you sent in a PM. You are so dear and when you run out of fudge, I'll share mine with you! Maybe! Anne

[kayc]

Anne,

I smile at your post because hanging next to Arlie's leash is a towel I used to rub him down from the storm we got caught in. I think all who love their dogs spoil them, as they should! Down the street are five dogs, hounds and labs, and they don't let them inside, don't take them for rides, they take a whip to them. Everyone complains about their noise, but my heart goes out to those poor dogs. There is no active animal control officers, everything has been cut. Our dogs are lucky. My dog has his own recliner. We leave the blinds up six inches so they can look out.

Thinking of you hitting your 15 month mark...I know it doesn't take an "anv. date" to make us think of them; they are never out of our thoughts. It's funny how so much time passes, but these feelings, these thoughts, this hole inside of us never ceases. How different my life would be if only George were still here!