We Finally Got His Headstone & Now It Feels More Final. Having A T

[LisaAnnB]

10 months after we lost Dad they finally laid the head stone a couple weeks ago & yesterday I got to see it for the first time. NOT good. I've been able to go up there every couple weeks & shed a tear or 2 & be able to talk to "Dad". Yesterday I lost it; I stood there & bawled like the day we laid him there. Having that piece of marble seems to make it "real", and I've noticed that since the stone got laid I haven't received any "signs" from him-I"d been finding pennies & nickles, or even pine cones [we don't have pine trees near us]. I would go up & since there was nothing to mark where to find him & my brothers always got confused, I'd put up yard decorations so I told my husband the "signs" were Dad's way of thanking me. But now there is a piece of permanent stone to help us find our way to the grave I no longer need to have my things there it's like he's at rest. We left a couple of my things there.

Why does that stupid piece of marble bug me so much? It's really neat but .........

I know Dad is more at rest up in Heaven-we've got Mom in a great assisted living place & she's happy there. But I can't get over losing him & need him more than ever-who's going to yell at me about my job & tell me to quit to avoid the ulcer that's forming [my husband's voice is NOT my Dad's]? Who is my daughter supposed to dance with to the song "Grandpa" that he made her promise to play at her wedding next summer? Who do I give the "Happy Birthday Dad" card I bought a long time ago to give him on Sept. 15?

[kayc]

Oh my dear, that is so hard, I know. You write out the card anyway on his birthday and tell him it is for him. The missing him never goes away, we just learn to live with it...because there's no choice. Gosh I could tell you a million things I miss about my husband...it's been eight years since he passed, and I still miss him and nothing, noone, will ever take his place. I know you feel the same about your dad. My dad's been gone so long...31 years now, I'm much more used to it, but there's no one like your dad. My dad missed everything, he never got to meet his grandkids, never got to see their accomplishments, he would have been so proud!

Perhaps your dad IS more content with the headstone in place, but then we want them to be at rest. I truly believe with all of my heart that all of this is temporary, that there will be a reuniting. That is what keeps me going.

[enna]

I am so sorry that this is such a painful time for you, LisaAnn. The Headstone is very nice. I can understand why it is bothering you so – you began your own ritual and now you don’t have to do that anymore unless you want to. You can always keep placing things that mean something to you around the Headstone during special days or holidays.

I am so glad that you have your Mom in a great assisted living place and that she is happy. That has to bring you comfort.

Your Dad is always with you. Talk to him. I believe that he hears you and I believe that he is watching over you. A birthday will always be one of those times that will bring memories. Later, you will be able to have good memories of your dad’s life.

Writing is such a healing thing for so many of us. You could write out that card and say whatever you would say to him if you were giving it to him. I know you will come up with something very special when your daughter gets married next summer. Be sure and have her have that special song “Grandpa” play at her wedding and perhaps she can have someone dance with her while it is playing.

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. Anne

[LisaAnnB]

Sunday will mark Dad's 85th birthday & his first one in heaven. Marking it by going up to take Mom out for lunch then out to the cemetery where we'll put flowers & birdseed & squirrel corn on the grave so Dad can continue to feed "his" critters. In 1 month we'll be marking the First anniversary of his death. All these "firsts" we've managed to survive when I didn't know how we'd make it through the first week without him.... Still not a day goes by where I don't think of him even fleetingly.

[kayc]

What a wonderful idea, putting the squirrel corn out for him to feed the critters!

Yes, we continue to survive it, we don't know how, esp. considering we didn't know how we'd make it a week. I like how you put it, his bdy in heaven, I'll have to remember that when George's bdy comes around again.