Feel Like I'm Treading Water

[lostlove24]

I am new to this group. It has been 4 1/2 months since I lost my husband. My loss was very sudden, and I was not there when he died, and it took me a couple of months I think just to grasp the reality that he was gone. He was much too young - only 39 - and we have young children, and I guess I just never imagined this would happen to me. I'm sure you have all heard all of this before.

I looked for grief support groups here where I live, but there are not any close enough to me, and I work long hours so I have just not been able to participate in one, as much as I believe it would help me. I am at the point now where it has been a "reasonable" length of time, and people expect that I should be okay now. All the people that were so readily available at first have gone back to their own lives, and I'm still here. My family is here, but I am just not that close to them. For various reasons, I have been a bit of an outsider for quite some time, so they are not terribly warm and comforting. They are for the most part very religious and they expect me to do what they would do and take solace in my faith. Perhaps I will get there at some point, but right now I am a bit in crisis and not sure what I believe, so that has not been the comfort to me that it would be to most of them.

I guess my reason for writing this is just to reach out a bit and express myself so that all of these feelings don't stay bottled up inside. I have two daughters that have kept me hanging on to my life and kept me moving, because I have no other choice. And I have learned to function from day to day and appear to be getting along okay, but the crushing pain that I feel has not really subsided. I have very few people to talk to about it anymore. My husband was my sounding board, my biggest supporter, the one who cared about all the little mundane parts of my life that no one else would. Now that I don't have him, I just don't know who to talk to anymore. I am constantly feeling the need to pick up the phone and tell him this or that, only to remember that, oh yeah, I can't. Even with my daughters at home, the lonliness feels overwhelming sometimes.

I am certain that all of these feelings are very normal and common in those who have lost a spouse, but they are new to me, and I hate them. My husband would have turned 40 in a little over a week, and I am dreading that day as it seems to approach me like a dark cloud. I don't know, some days I wonder if I will ever feel like I can move foward again. Right now, I live as though I am pacing on a treadmill. I get up and do what I'm supposed to each day, come home, keep up with the house and children and just get ready to do it all again. Nothing in my house has changed since he passed. Everything of his is still in the same place. I don't think about the future, nor really look forward to it. I'm just keeping time.....

I don't expect any answers - I know there aren't any. I laid in bed last night and begged God if he could please somehow let me wake up this morning and it be 5 months ago. I would do everything better, I would be a better wife, I would save him somehow!! Of course I knew this could not happen, but at that moment I felt desperation overtake me. I do all my crying in my room now so the girls don't see or hear it, because they seem to be healing, and the thing that upsets them the quickest is seeing me cry. I just wish I could see the sunshine for the rainclouds. I'm growing rather tired of this mundane existence I call a life right now. I have to believe it will get better. Thanks for listening - that's what I need in my life right now more than anything - someone to listen.

[MartyT]

My dear friend, it's so good to know that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. The one thing I know for sure that you will find here is someone to listen ~ and I think in time you'll find much more than that, as soon as our members discover your presence in our circle. Meanwhile, please accept our heartfelt sympathy for your loss, and know that you are more than welcome here. ♥

[melina]

I'm sorry to read about your loss, but everyone here "gets it" - because we've all been there. For me the first few months were definitely the worst - pretty horrifying and very painful.

It does get easier, even if the grief still lingers and the loneliness will hang around. It's been three years for me. My four kids were all grown when my husband - their father - died. The youngest was 19. But it felt almost harder to see and feel their grief than my own. In one way it's good to have the kids around - to feel that you still have a family, despite losing your partner. In other ways it's harder because you can't just do whatever you want and let it all out. I used to cry and scream in the car while driving back and forth to work. That might seem a little bizarre now - but it helped.

I suppose it doesn't really help to know that what you're going through is normal. It's too bad there isn't some magic spell that takes away the grief, the pain, the loneliness and the fear of suddenly finding yourself out in the middle of the wilderness with no direction. All I can say is that things will change, but slowly. Just hang in there, take care of yourself and your kids, and use this group as friends you can reach out to.

Melina

[kayc]

Oh my sweet friend! 4 1/2 months isn't hardly time for the shock to wear off, let alone be adjusted! This is going to take some time and anyone that tells you you should be over it should just back off! I wasn't with my husband when he died either, and it's hard. It's not uncommon for people's "faith" to be shaken by such a deep loss, for them to have a period of questioning or just not sure what to think. That's okay. God's got big strong shoulders and He can take it. Anything you are feeling, you are entitled to! You are here among people who "get it" and understand, and we'll be here to walk with you on this journey.

I too was unable to attend a support group as I live in the country and it's just too far to make the 100+ mile round trip. I'm sure with young children it's all the harder for you.

Your life will get better, but it will take time and effort, and it won't be the same. When your husband was your best friend, the one you always turned to, who do you turn to when he's gone? Here we turn to each other...a lot. This place saved me, literally. It is good to voice yourself, I felt like it restored some of the power I felt I lost when George died without anyone asking me what I wanted!

I am sorry you're going through this.

[enna]

I am so deeply sorry for your sudden loss, dear one. Please accept my deepest sympathy to you and your children.

Your grief will take as long as it takes. That is what we have learned here at this caring place. You come to share what you want to share. There are no judgments. We listen and sometimes talk about our own loses for each one here has a story.

You will receive encouragement on your journey. We even give virtual hugs that I have found to be very healing.

Everything and anything you go through will all be ‘normal’ during your grieving. There is no time limit. You know, it is all right to cry and show your emotions to your children. Let them see your grief. Children are amazing little beings and have great big hearts and can understand. I don’t know how young they are but if you talk about their father with them they will also express their feelings to you.

Also, there is no need to even think about ‘changing’ things in the house. You will do it when you are ready. My Jim has been dead fifteen months now and I still have certain things of his around the house. It is comforting to me and it does not bother me to have them out.

I am sorry for the reason you are here but I am glad that you found this place. Anne

[marsha]

Lostlove, I am sorry for your loss. It struck me, when you said 4 1/2 months is a reasonable time. For who? By who? I did the same as you, worked, came home, slept (or tried to), repeat. But I think, looking back, that it was what I needed - to establish a boundary, a safe routine. This is only in hindsight, mind you. At the time I thought OMG! Life is too short! I have to make my bucket list! The deal is, that first year especially was one of emotional and physical survival. I don't think I realized how traumatized I truly was. I think I asked in one way or another, "is this normal?" like 2 dozen times on this forum. Take good care of yourself - and write it out. Marsha

[feralfae]

Dear Lost,

I am so very sorry you have lost your dear husband. Sudden losses can be such a shock, and so of course you are in a fog right now.

My heart goes out to you and your daughters. I hope you can find a way to bring them into the grieving circle with you, because you all need to share with each other right now, and they need you to show them you can all talk about your shared loss together. I think it would help you all.

Dear heart, have you thought or talked with anyone about a grief counselor? Some companies have health insurance coverage for this, and some others have grief support groups to which they send people, sometimes giving them time off to go. I think it might help you, and give you some ongoing support through all the challenges you have. Is there anyone in either family who you think might be open to sharing time with you and the girls once a week for a couple of hours, or a close friend or good neighbor? Who keeps the girls when you are at work? Are they still at the same place? That will be some good continuity for them, and you.

I hope you are eating well, and drinking a lot of water. You need to be sure that all of you are staying well hydrated.

Please cry with your girls when you can. It will help all of you to be open with each other.

I think you will find this a loving and caring place. My Doug has been gone almost 19 months, and being here with the wonderful, caring and supportive people, who have so much compassion, has been a life saver for me. I am glad you found this place.

Blessings, and may you have moments of Peace each day,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[kayc]

Yes, it'd be good if the girls saw a grief counselor, maybe someone all three of you can see?

[lostlove24]

Thank you all so much for your responses and thoughts. I am struck by the thoughtfulness and compassion that I feel from your responses. It feels good to be able to talk about these things with people who I know understand and will listen without trying to move me on to another topic or assure me I'll be fine. I don't feel fine and I don't know that I ever will.

I have located a church that offers grief.counseling but it is not covered by insurance. But the distance from work prevents me from going as I ride public transportation and am gone about 12 hours every day just for work. I unfortunately cannot drive right now which I imagine contributes to my feelings is loneliness and isolation. My girls go to my parents' house after school, and they live close. But I don't spend much time over there because I have a sister who is almost always there and does not speak to me. She has yet to even offer me an "I'm sorry" for my loss. So I just choose to stay away. My husband's family lives out of state - that's where he was when he died, for his grandfathers funeral. He does the night of the funeral. He was buried up there too so I can't even visit his grave. But his family is much more supportive. I talk to them on the phone when I can, but its been so hard for his mother losing her father and son within a week of each other.

Anyway, I do talk to the girls about there father - they are 7 and 11- but just try not to be a crying mess too much. If I cry, they cry. They are such good comforters. But my 11 yr old tends to worry about me and almost take on a mothering role if I seem to vulnerable and I'm not sure that's healthy. I think as time goes on I will be better able to talk to them about daddy without totally losing it. And I do want to keep him alive for them as much as I can. He loved them so much! It just breaks my heart for them to imagine them growing up without their daddy who worshipped them and was the proudest father I know. Sorry I'm rambling - again, it is good to have folks who will listen and genuinely seem to care and understand. I am sorry all of you experienced this terrible loss that brought us all here

[lostlove24]

I did not proof this. He "died" the night of the funeral. I have wished so many times that me and the girls had been able to make the trip with him. It likely would have changed everything. But we didn't and its I changeable now....

[cjd]

Take a look at griefshare.org. These are grief classes at local churches that are free (well, I think $15 for a book that the discussions are based on). You can put in your location and see what is offered in your area.

There is also a daily e-mail you can sign up for.

I did both and found them to be of some help. At least it got me out of the house for the meetings.

[Queeniemary]

My dear, I am so very sorry for your loss. You have come to a very warm caring place. My husband died unexpectedly in January 2010. I found this place about 4 months later, and have been here ever since. You can rant and rave, and discuss anything that you need to. We have all been there, and are so very sorry that you have had to join our journey. Wishing peace and comfort for you, and strength, for I know you will need it.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

If there is a hospice near you, you might call and ask to speak to their Bereavement Coordinator. Many hospices offer grief support groups at no cost, and some offer programs for bereaved children as well. (See, for example, Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support and Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.)

I understand that you have precious little time to get to and from outside, in-person support, but there is a wealth of grief support right here at your fingertips, by way of your computer. In addition to the wonderful information, comfort and support you'll find on our site, another online resource that you may find helpful is Soaring Spirits International. Founded and maintained by widows and widowers, it offers many hope-filled and uplifting peer-led programs, described here: http://www.sslf.org/our-programs/

When time, be sure to take a look at some of the links listed on these pages too:

Child, Adolescent Grief Links, http://www.griefhealing.com/child-adolescent-grief-links.htm

Death of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other, http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-spouse-partner.htm

[lostlove24]

Thanks for the suggestions. I did check griefshare.org, but there is just not a group close enough to me at a time that I can make. But I'll check the other suggestions as well. You are all very welcoming, and I really appreciate being in the company of people who understand and who CARE. That's a component missing with so many. But I think that most people mean well - they just haven't walked in our shoes.

[HAP]

Dear lostlove24,

I am so sorry for what has happened to you--and equally sorry to have not been among the first to welcome you here. My wife Jane died in December of 2010 but nearly 33 months later I still lose myself periodically. Next Monday would have been our 24th anniversary. She was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in August 2010. This time of year is not kind to me.

Every death may appear to be the same from the outside looking in. But every death is different. Every time of grief may appear the same. But the experience of grief is different for everyone. There are lots of people who have not lost a husband or a wife who think they know what grief is like--who see the process as a train station timetable. They have read somewhere about the stages of grief and think that makes them expert enough to tell others the "right" way to grieve. They have no idea.

But you are in the midst of grief and your understanding of it is beyond their comprehension. Your daughters are in the midst of their grief. They look to you as the only person who knows what they know. They need you to help them through it--to tell them that whatever they feel is real and ok, and that you will all get through this together.

My father, who lost my mother to Alzheimer's about ten months before Jane died said to me the night Jane passed, "And now you know there is nothing anyone can say to you that is going to make this feel any better." He was right, at least for me. What I needed was someone who would simply sit and listen to me. Telling people the story of what happened to us--of how she died and who we were and what I felt--that made a difference. The cold condolence cards with their canned sentiments and bleak signatures did nothing. But I can't get angry about it. They just have no idea what to say or do so they do what manners tell them to do.

One of the hardest things is that just as we begin to come out of shock and most need someone to listen to us is the point at which our friends and acquaintances have moved on. They do not really have the shared history--the completely shared life--that we had with our spouse. They grieve with us when our state of shock makes it appear that we are strong--that we are going to be all right. They do not know the time we will most need them is months away.

That is the time this group--or one like it in the physical world--steps in. We have been where you are--if not all of us in precisely your situation. We'll help you get through it.

For right this very now, self-care is at the top of the agenda. Fae has already told you to make sure you are drinking enough water and eating right. And you have already made clear you have established good housekeeping routines for you and your children. Add exercise to the list. It doesn't have to be much: go for a walk for 30-60 minutes every day. The endorphins that generates will help your state of mind and leave you feeling better. Get off the bus a stop earlier if that will help.

And write. Write here. Write in a journal. Let the emotions flow out of you, into the keyboard or the pen and onto the screen or paper. Don't worry about what you write or what you share here. Our shoulders are broad and we understand we all need to lose it sometimes. If you yell at us, we'll know its the grief talking and not you. We've all been there--most of us more than once. It's ok.

Remember, "Shared pain is diminished; shared joy is multiplied." You may not be ready for the second half of that statement yet, but you are certain to experience the reality of the first very quickly.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

You are right, many people care, but do not know how to respond.

This place has been like a grief support group for me, with virtual hugs instead of physical ones, but believe me when I say, I felt them every bit as much. This place saved my sanity, let me know my feelings were "normal", offered suggestions and advice, and accepted me "as is".

As Harry suggests, a simple walk a day does much to relieve stress and give us positive feelings. That is something you can do with your girls in the evenings or early mornings, whichever works out best for you. I walk twice a day with my dog, before and after work, and I know what it means to be gone so long because I commute over 100 miles/day.

Journaling is a healthy outlet. I also used art to lend voice to my feelings. Any way of expressing yourself!

[Guest babylady]

so sorry for your loss. it's 15 months today since my husband of almost 41 years passed. i wasn't there either. the hospice nurse called at 4:15 am and said "he's only got about an hour". i threw on some clothes and drove there. i was 20 minutes too late. i got there at 4:55 am -- he passed at 4:35 am. i did get in bed with him and stayed there for a while. i'm cryng as i write this. i still cry every day -- sometimes for hours. 4-1/2 months is not a long time.

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

arlene

[KarenK]

Lostlove,

I am here also, mostly on the sidelines reading and observing the many kindnesses here. I too, welcome you to our "tribe" as they call it, where all sit around the fire to share their experiences and wisdom.

I have not been here long, having lost my husband of 40+ years a little less than 4 months ago. The silence of it all remains deafening.

There is no "expiration date" stamped on your grief. You must do what is right for the way that YOU feel, not what others expect.

Come to this circle of friends whenever you like, whether to rant & rave at the unfairness of it all, or just to "be".

Karen

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Lostlove

I'm in England. My husband of fifty years died last year. I wasn't with him either. I know you will think how lucky I was to have him that long, but believe me he wasn't ready to go and I was not ready to lose him. The pain is still intense and no one understands who hasn't gone through this. I am so very very sorry for your loss. You will find much comfort from the people on this forum. Keep writing everything down and share it with us. It really helps. Jan

[lostlove24]

Thank you to all for the warm welcome and wise words. I am struck by how many of you lost spouses of 30, 40 or 50 years. As hard as my loss has been after 15 years together, I can't imagine how much harder it must be after almost a complete lifetime with that one person. My mother has often said to me after 60 years of marriage to my father that when he goes, we "better dig 2", as that country song says, because she can't imagine going on one more day without him. I would guess some of you may have had similar feelings, but have managed to find away to keep going the best you can.

One thing I have not begun doing is journaling. So many people have suggested it to me, and I can't really explain why I haven't except to say that like some other things, I'm afraid that makes it too real. I've thought many times that I have taken to playing a daily game with myself of "let's pretend," like I think I can actually fool myself into believing it. Since he was gone on a trip when he passed, I can just pretend that he's still gone out of town, and not have to accept the finality of his passing. Obviously, I know better, but my actions, or lack of them, suggest that I am still trying to pull off this charade. And journaling about his death forces me to think about it, deal with it, accept it - all things I've been loathe to do to this point. But it would probably be a good tool for me in moving ahead, and in helping my girls deal with it. I certainly don't include them in my charade, and I make sure to always be available to talk to them about their daddy if they want to talk, and ask them how they are and how they feel regularly so they feel free to share their thoughts or their pain. I have considered taking my older daughter to a counselor because she has some anger about the way her daddy left her, and I may do it yet. I'm still trying to just take it day by day.

I feel better just reading all of your responses and feeling the support and understanding that they provide. I will browse other postings and threads, and pick up what I can to help me with this daily struggle. Blessings and peace to all of you, and thank for sharing with me some of your individual situations.

Andrea

[kayc]

Even if you journal about your "let's pretend", still it lends expression to all you are feeling and going through, and that's what it's about. Plus someday you can go back and read and see a benchmark and see that you have made some progress, even if only just a little, and it can be encouraging.

[MartyT]

Kay is right. Bear in mind, my dear, that in a way, your posting here is itself a form of journaling. Many of our members find that looking back over the messages they've posted here ~ weeks, months, even years later ~ gives them a certain perspective on where they were, where they are now, and how far they've come in their individual grief journeys.

Also, I think it's quite understandable that, as you describe it, you're playing a game of "let's pretend" with yourself. This is nature's way of protecting you from the full force of what has happened, and it is perfectly normal. It is part of that initial shock and numbness we all feel in the early days following significant loss. The death of your husband has enormous implications and consequences, and this is way too big for you to take in all at once. Please allow yourself time to absorb this blow, and don't worry about being in some sort of "crazy" state. The fact that you are here with us, participating in a Grief Discussion Groups site, is sufficient evidence that you are NOT "in denial." See, for example, Tips for Coping with Disbelief and Denial in Grief. ♥