ShanN Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Tonight will be three months since my Leo bear slipped away. I'm remembering things more clearly the last couple days. I didn't want that decision to be made. I didn't believe he was totally gone. What if we held on longer? Maybe his brain just needed time to heal. Maybe, just maybe. I know I know... I will kill myself with endless maybes and what ifs. I wasn't with him all the time I should have been because I was sick. Maybe he felt I gave up on him. Maybe. No maybes... It is what it is... And it hurts. I feel so numb. But I feel so hurt. This song means the world to me. Because Leo always said "I love you this big". Guess what my Boo... I love you this big forever and ever... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Good morning, dear Shannon, I love your song. You are such a beautiful person. Your Leo is so watching over you. Prayers continue for your healing. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Shannon, You were so very ill when I joined this wonderful group of friends & I never got a chance to say "hello". I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 4 months ago. My heart goes out to you for your loss of Leo and for everything you have since faced with such tenacity & grace. Yes, those "maybes" are very hard to not think about, but somehow each of us must understand that we did the best we could. We will move forward together and somehow get to the next day & the next. My daughter is a cancer survivor also and you are one of the bravest, most courageous people I have ever met. I am so glad that you are getting stonger each day. One of the mottos on CSN, of which I am a member, is "Never, ever give up". I know your Leo is so very proud of you. Your sister, Mary, is a very special person, just as you are. Will be thinking of you as you conquer this hurdle. Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted August 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Some of my favorite pics of my love... Sorry for so many. I just can't believe he's gone. I can't believe I won't ever see his face again, cuddle him, kiss him, go to the water with him... Our favorite pastime. I miss my Boo... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted August 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Thank you Anne And thank you Karen. Karen, yes... NEGU... Never ever give up. I have that sign hanging in my room. Hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Shannon dear, I am in the waiting room of my eye doctor s office and thought I would use this time to reach out to you. You have had so much to bear and my heart goes out to you. One day at a time is the only way to go. Gotta go...they just called me. More later. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted August 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Hi "Bill's Mary", Thank you for thinking of me while waiting for your appointment. I pray things are ok. I can't believe I posted all those photos of my Leo. It's like I have to keep him alive. I have to share him. I have to keep looking at his precious face to try to accept what is. But I'm not accepting. I know he's gone. But it's so hard to grasp. I look at photos and how can it be that that smile is gone, that goofiness is gone, that love is gone, his hug, his kiss, his "I love you this big" gone... Never to be here with me for the next 40 yrs of my life... Should I live another 40. My last words three months ago, even though he was gone already essentially, were "I love you this big, always always". I'm very overwhelmed today. I'm overtired. I'm in a great deal of pain from Pleuritis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Dear Shannon, Good morning dear one. I am so very happy to see you posting and sharing photos. We love the photos, and thank you for sharing Leo with us. I am very happy you are feeling better, that you are struggling to survive, and that you are in good care. From all I have heard about Pleuritis, it is terrible painful, and you did not need any more pain. You are doing so well coping with everything. Thank you for the song and photos. Your courage and determination shine through everything you share with us, and you are an inspiration to us all as you make this journey. I know you are feeling lost and alone without your darling Leo Bear. I am truly glad Mary is there with you, and we are all with you in prayer. Much Love and Blessings as you make this difficult journey. You are in my prayers and heart each day. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShanN Posted August 29, 2013 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 Crying. Just crying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 29, 2013 Report Share Posted August 29, 2013 That's ok, Shannon. I'm sending a BIG hug your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAP Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Dear Shannon, Cry when the spirit moves you. Each tear will let another bit of the pain go. Keep healing. Be well. Peace, Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Shannon, dear Heart, Tears wash the pain out of our hearts. Harry is so right. Each tear washes away a little bit of pain. Did you know mourning tears have a special chemistry? I think I am correct about this, someone correct me if I am mistaken. Be that as it may, cry as much as you need to cry. Wail. Hit a pillow. You will stop and rest when it is time. Have lots of tissues. I prefer Puffs with Aloe myself, and I do not own stock, but should if I were rich. I know you know this, but please drink lots of water, preferably Emergen-C or something like that, and not sugary. Stay very well hydrated. We are all watching you, dear one. {{{hugs}}} and *<twinkles>* I am so happy you are doing so well, courageous Shannon. We are going to need to find a medal for you to wear. For Bravery. *<twinkles>* If you have not seen Nanny McPhee Returns, you will find it delightful entertainment. I highly recommend it. You dear SIL Mary will know what you need, I know, and I am being too worrisome. Just take the very best care of your precious self, please. Mary, I am sending love to you as well, as you and Shannon mourn together, heal together, and love each other. Blessings and Much Love and {{{HUGS}}} for both of you, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Dearest Shannon, I went away and did some things, and was thinking about you and today while I was doing chores, trying to come to grips with all your pain and feelings of so much loss and also how much everything must seem so very surreal for you. Of course you are just crying and crying. How could you not? While I was doing chores and thinking about you, I was trying to think of something to distract you a little bit, so your poor heart could rest for a while. Nanny McPhee Returns was the best I could think of, because I watched it probably 20 times right after Doug left, because we loved to watch it and laugh and also smile at all the super messages in the film. Right now, your days need to be all about taking care of you as best you can. I will try not to mother you. But you must eat and drink and rest and take good care of yourself, dear one. I don't even remember at three months. I know I flew to Alaska. At 4 months, I had just finished Doug's memorial service in Alaska, and I was still in so many pieces that no one could have counted them. At 5 months I had spine surgery. I don't know how you are doing what you are doing, but I just want to say that we are all here for you, and so happy for your restoring health. I just want you to be on a healing journey now, no matter how long it takes. I am still looking for the darned shortcuts. I wish I could be there to just hold your hand. I know Mary is holding you and that you are comforting each other for so many reasons. I am sending lots of *<magic fairy dust>* to help you through this time, so if your nose tickles, it is just dust. *<twinkles>* All else I can do is send you my love, and let you know I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts, even when I am doing chores. Peace to your heart, dear Shannon, and so very much love to you, *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Shannon, I lit a candle for you and Leo. It will burn for few hours, and I will be thinking of you as I watch its flickering flame. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary1063 Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Awe Fae, bless your heart! Shan had a rough day yesterday and especially the evening and all night. She has just been very low and crying and not talking. I don't think she can find words. I don't think she wants to. I think it is indeed very surreal right now. And I hurt for her, as I do for you and all here who have lost their loves. I only lost a brother, not my life partner. Shan might not want me to say this, but I'm going to anyway because I know she will not. She feels different and cheated because she and my brother only had five yrs of marriage and together just a few yrs more than that. She feels impeded on what to say or even if she belongs here. And IN NO WAY does she feel she lost more. Quite the contrary. She is afraid to talk about it with all of you that she feels this way with fear of offending. She genuinely loves each of you. Shan has an instinct in her from all she's been through all her life that she has to think of others first and is not worthy. That is why she shuts down. I mean she isn't even talking to me now. She was and not now. Fae, Nanny McPhee is an awesome movie. Shannon was a Nanny. I know she needs to watch! Hugs and love! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Oh, Mary, and dear Shannon if you are reading. It matters not how long you were together, in terms of the amount of love you shared. You could have just met and felt the same connection. What matters is the love, not the length of the love. Shannon you are going through such pain, and having such a horrible time without the one person that matters most to you in the world. I do understand that pain. Mary, you have a great loss also. Do not say "only" a brother, while a different type of loss, still a very great one also. I have one brother, and cannot imagine losing him, but either he or I will cross that bridge someday. For both of you, peace and comfort. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary1063 Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Thank you Mary(in Arkansas) I knew Shannon would not say how she is feeling. So I do hope it was alright that I voiced it for her. Yes I lost my brother, both of them, however I can't pretend and never will pretend to know the loss of a spouse. Shan is in a lot of pain from the Pleuritis. She had a very tough night with that and emotionally. So she is really fighting the depression this morning. Her therapist will be seeing her sometime today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Thank you, Mary, for sharing that with us. We are all the same here around our circle. Shannon needs to do what is best for her. If she needs to be still and reflect into herself that is fine. We all have done that. Sometimes there just are not words to comfort another person. I am here and will continue to be here just as everyone will until Shannon is ready. Of course she belongs here with the rest of us. She, as well as you, are part of our family now. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 Hi "Bill's Mary", Thank you for thinking of me while waiting for your appointment. I pray things are ok. I can't believe I posted all those photos of my Leo. It's like I have to keep him alive. I have to share him. I have to keep looking at his precious face to try to accept what is. But I'm not accepting. I know he's gone. But it's so hard to grasp. I look at photos and how can it be that that smile is gone, that goofiness is gone, that love is gone, his hug, his kiss, his "I love you this big" gone... Never to be here with me for the next 40 yrs of my life... Should I live another 40. My last words three months ago, even though he was gone already essentially, were "I love you this big, always always". I'm very overwhelmed today. I'm overtired. I'm in a great deal of pain from Pleuritis. Shannon, dear, Thank you for thinking of me at a time like this. Your loss is profound as is all of ours but dealing with all that has been on your plate with your health is so difficult. Just remember that sharing ANYthing here is acceptable. NO one here judges, no one will be hurt by anything you say....I know you are more exhausted than words can say and in lots of pain which is also exhausting. I hold you in the light and in my heart and in my prayers. Love Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 30, 2013 Report Share Posted August 30, 2013 My dear Shannon, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us, and yes, your beautiful song. I understand why it means so much to you. My George and I were only married 3 years 8 months and we knew each other just 6 1/2 years. It's not the quantity of time you have together but the quality. Some people spend 50 years together and never have what we had. I do understand the feeling gypped at not getting more time together, I see people who have their spouses and don't begin to appreciate them the way we did. But in all my life none can ever take away from me the fact that I was loved, truly and completely loved. And no one can take that from you either. I understand your "what ifs", I think many of us shared those. I wish I could have been with George the moment he died, but the hospital wouldn't let me. I will go to my grave wishing it could have been different. But one thing I know, no matter how great the pain George was in that last weekend of his life, the fact remains that throughout our relationship, we had faith in each other. And I have to continue to have faith that he never felt I abandoned him, that he knew what he meant to me...and you too, now, must keep that faith, knowing that Leo and you shared something so special, you always knew what the other was thinking/feeling and he knew you loved him and would be with him if you were physically able...just as he wished he could be there taking care of you as you went through your physical battles. Shannon, comparisons are deceitful...the truth is that to each of us our losses are valid and the most tremendous hurdle to get through. We need each other. Each of us brings to this forum another perspective, thus expanding all of us in a more precious way. You belong here and I hope you will feel free to share here as it is liberating and power-restoring to do so. Our hearts are with you and Mary in the loss of your Leo. There will come a day when you will learn to reach inside of yourself and know he is there, always, to receive comfort and encouragement from. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary1063 Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 Thank you. I tried reading your replies to Shan but she is just so depressed and closed off right now. Plus the Pleuritis is much much worse, her pain level is "excruciating"... Her word. And breathing, talking, moving... Everything... Is horrible. Even with the morphine drip. I brought her in the throw fleece blanket that her kitty Silver used when she was alive and then Leo loved to use. To help comfort her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mary1063 Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 Am enclosing a pic of my two beautiful grandsons who are everything to me. their first day of school. Noah on the right third grade and Caleb on the left Kindergarten. Leo loved them so much. And Shannon loves them to pieces. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 Thank you for sharing the sweet picture. Sometimes I just don't understand why Shannon has had to endure so much suffering in her life. It's just so unfair! I keep praying for her and will continue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 The boys are absolutely precious. I am so sorry for Shannon's pain from the pleurisy. Hopefully that will clear up soon. Remember to take care of yourself, dear Mary. I like your new avitar. Angels watching over you. Hugs. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted August 31, 2013 Report Share Posted August 31, 2013 My Dear Shannon, You are one of the most courageous, strong-hearted women I have ever known. I cannot help but love your spirit. I don't think you have yet learned how wonderful and bright you are, so please fight with everything you have, and yell at the pain if you need to, and use your mind to see you healing and walking with your head up, while tears for Leo stream down you face, knowing you are healing, and that all the Angels are applauding you. You can do this. There are a lot more wonderful things you have to learn about yourself while you are here, and you will learn them, one thing each day. The first is how you can imagine yourself getting well, even if we could not imagine Leo well all together. You are very much closer to you, after all. *<twinkles>* You can do that, and you know it. We will talk more later about why I am sharing this image with you, my darling Shannon. Keep healing and getting better. I am holding you so close in my heart and in prayer. Oh, Mary, that was just what we needed -- two bright, open, loving and adorable faces, with a backdrop of beautiful rain forest. Thank you so very much, you made me smile with the boys' photo. I know Shannon was happy to see it as well. Much Love and Blessings, and lots of extra *<twinkles>* for you both, and {{{hugs}}} too *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now