Coping With Loss Of Brother And Mom

[mdollar64]

My oldest brother, Earl, passed on 8/27/13 after living with cancer for 2 1/2 years. Although we knew it was terminal he was always so strong, courageous, and in good spirits we would sometimes forget reality. So, I know it hasn't been very long, but I thought I would be feeling some relief by now. I cry numerous times everyday and it feels like it's never going to end. I am going to a grief support meeting on Monday, but wanted to reach out here for some support. In addition to the loss of my brother, we also lost my mom to cancer just two months ago. I dealt with her death pretty well (I think). After she passed my whole life revolved around Earl so I'm thinking I never really grieved for my mom because I was taking care of my brother and now I'm grieving for both. I also live in my mom's home were both her and my brother passed. It was comforting to be here when I was caring for my brother, but now there are just too many memories that bring tears.

[enna]

I am so very sorry that you have not only lost your brother, Earl, but that you have also lost your mother. You grief is so raw that you will need time to process things. Crying happens and it does end but when you can cry do so.

You are here and that is good. We all understand and open our arms to everyone.

I am glad that you are going to a grief support meeting. Hopefully, that will not be too overwhelming for you this early. Do you have individual grief counseling available to you? Coming here is a big step in your healing. Anne

[mdollar64]

Thank you Anne. I was thrilled to see that someone replied so quickly! I am not familiar with grief support but will take your advice and try individual counseling first. I don't need anymore overwhelming things in my life right now. Thank you again.

[enna]

We have all been encouraged to not make major decisions during the first year of our grieving unless it is necessary because our emotions are so tangled that any decision we do make might be too hasty. I know how very hard it must be to stay in the house but please do not make a hurried decision.

Please do not cancel your grief support group meeting because of what I said. Nothing is wrong with trying these places out. It just may be so early in your grieving to be surrounded with too many people who have many different reasons for attending a group support gathering at this time. You may find it more than you can bear.

Are you familiar with hospice grief support? I do not know where you are living but hospice support does offer grief counseling.

You need to continue to care for yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise – all these things will help you keep the energy up that you will need during this healing process.

I do know the sadness of losing people dear to me. My parents are now deceased. I have lost a younger brother and sister to cancer. An older sister died recently of small cell carcinoma of the lungs – her illness was dx and in three weeks she was gone. Today I mourn my beloved husband of forty years who died in May of 2012. Yes, I am grieving. I am moving forward slowly.

You are here and that is good. This is a lifeline for all of us who are grieving.

Keep posting because it is good to talk – this is a safe place and perhaps later you will be able to read some very good articles that will help you.

Anne

[Mary1063]

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear brother and your Mom. Bless your heart.

You've come to the right place. Everyone here is so supportive and compassionate.

I too lost my older brother, actually both of them... Twins, one nine years ago age 43 and the other this past May 29th age 52. My darling SIL is battling cancer right now. She is just 40. After losing her husband, my dear brother Leo, in May.

Things are so raw for you. They will be for a while. Things come in waves. I'm glad you found a support group. Individual therapy is helpful too.

Hugs and peace.

[kayc]

I am so sorry both for the loss of your mom and your brother. That is a lot at once! You are not only going through the grieving, but it's compounded by your having been their caretaker and now that job is done, you may be feeling a loss of purpose. You are undoubtedly right about your putting off the grieving of your mom until your brother passed, now they're both hitting you at once. I experienced something similar once and felt my grief had been shortchanged because of other losses hitting right afterwards. There will be time in the future to grieve each one and allow yourself to feel that loss so you can begin the healing process. It takes an immense amount of time and effort, so don't be surprised at the feelings that come.

I'm so glad you've found a support group, I hope it brings you comfort to meet with others that are also experiencing similar losses. I've read on this site that about three months out is a good time to start with a grief counselor, so that might be something to keep in mind for the future.

Please feel free to post your feelings/experiences here, someone will usually get back to you within a day or so.

[MartyT]

Dear one, I just want to add my voice to the others here in expressing my heartfelt sympathy for your losses and in welcoming you to this warm and caring place. I agree with everything that's been said, but just to clarify a couple of points:

Since your profile indicates that you live in the Valley, I encourage you to contact the Bereavement office at Hospice of the Valley to learn what bereavement services are available to you. See, for example, Hospice of the Valley Grief Support and Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support.

As for attending an in-person support group, we usually suggest that a person wait a while, simply because (as Anne has said) in the beginning it may be difficult for you to tolerate hearing about other people's losses when your own losses are so fresh. On the other hand, everyone is different, and certainly you may find that you are more than ready to participate in such a group. If you decide to meet with a grief counselor individually, there really is no reason to wait. In individual counseling, the focus would be on you and you alone ~ that is the primary difference from participating in a support group ~ and some people prefer that individual attention, especially in the beginning ~ but again, that is a very individual choice. Oftentimes people find that both individual counseling and participating in an in-person support group can be of enormous help to them. This is simply to say that there are no hard and fast rules here. Everyone's grief is as unique to them as their own fingerprint, and each person's needs are theirs alone. In time you will discover what you need and figure out what works best for you, simply by trying lots of different things.

In the meantime, it helps to be among kindred spirits and to know that you are not alone. There are some features of grief that are universal, and learning about what is normal in grief and what others have done to manage their reactions can be very, very helpful. That is what you will find here. Welcome.

[mdollar64]

Thanks to you all... I'm overwhelmed by the support already. Thanks for the advice on grief support groups, I will postpone attending a group meeting for the time being.

You're exactly right, KayC, I am feeling a loss of purpose on top of everything else.

[kayc]

I think it's a grief counselor you wait for, not the support group, but I may be wrong. Marty?

[MartyT]

Actually it's just the reverse, Kay ~ Experience suggests that in-person support groups may be too much for one whose grief is fresh and raw ~ emphasis on the word, "may" ~ so it may be better to wait a bit ~ Usually we suggest between three and six months down the road. Some people just feel safer in a one-on-one arrangement when they are early in their grief, and if they are open to individual grief counseling, there is no reason to wait. But as I said above, like everything else in grief, it all depends on the individual.

One thing is for sure ~ it is always safe to come here, because you are in total control of how much you are willing and able to read and to share with one another. ♥

(I should also add that, in my own experience, this "rule of thumb" about waiting to attend in-person support groups does not hold true when it comes to pet loss. I often had folks come to my pet loss support groups very shortly after the death of their beloved pets, and sometimes even before, if their pets were seriously ill and they were anticipating a loss. I think this is true partly because in our culture, bereaved animal lovers are more limited in where they can take their grief.)

[kayc]

Whoops, I said it backwards, mea culpa! Thanks for the quick catch, Marty!

[mdollar64]

Thanks for the additional info. I think I'll just use the online support for now. My mom's memorial is planned for Dec 1 (we postponed to wait for her snowbird friends to return) and we will likely add Earl's memorial rather than doing a separate one. Maybe the time and having the memorial behind us will do wonders and come December I'll be so much better

Lately I haven't been crying as much, but I sure don't feel like myself. So strange feeling like I'm walking around in a dream and every now and then reality hits me like a ton of bricks. It's a good thing I'm unemployed right now because I don't feel like I could function.

[kayc]

I've noticed that in my life...when I get laid off it seems like a bad thing, but then something happens and you realize it's a good thing you're not having to go to work every day because you don't know how you'd cope and you realize what a blessing it is you're out of work! Weird how that can work, almost like someone KNEW you needed that time...

I'm glad you'll have the additional time to plan for the memorial, and you'll have her friends back as well.

It's still pretty soon, you might desire counseling or support on down the road. Meanwhile, we're here.