What's Wrong With Me?

[Guest Fi]

Hi, this is the first time I've been on this site.

My husband Carl died almost 2 weeks ago, just a week after his 49th birthday. He's been sick all his life and in the last year he had spent a lot of time in the hospital but when the doctors told us that this was the end it still came as a shock to me. I think he knew how sick he was but kept it from me. We had two days together before he started spending most of his time asleep. In those two days we talked and he seemed to be accepting (although not giving up! He was stubborn) He held me as I cried, and I cried a lot in those first days.

His friends started arriving. The nurses lost count of how many people came to visit him. They had moved him to a private room and it seemed like it was always full of people - with as much laughter as tears. He woke up briefly when people came in and was able to talk for a short time before drifting off again. A friend, who is also one of Carl's favourite local musicians, played his favourite song and had every one in the room in tears.

By this time I had become quite calm. I helped care for him as much as I could and in quiet moments I'd crawl into bed with him and talk to him. I stayed there day and night and when the end came it was just him and me. I told him it way ok if he wanted to let go - every breath was a struggle. I told him his dad and Felix (our recently deceased cat) were waiting for him. I told him I would be ok and that some day we would be together again. He died holding my hand.

For the first few days afterwards I was a mess. I would have lost it completely if it wasn't for my son Peter. I had to call him once from the grocery store to to come get me because I was going around in circles and spacing out.

Within a couple of days I was calming down again. I still cried sometimes when I saw a picture of him (in fact I broke down in the photo store trying to explain to a very nice sales girl why I couldn't do my own digital photos) I wrote up a notice for his memorial party and passed it to as many people I could think of. Two of his friends wrote a wonderful obituary and I arranged to have it placed in the local paper. (you can read it on the web site they set up for him at Carl Smith)

All in all I became calmer and calmer. I got through the arrangements at the funeral home without crying more than once. I gave a short speech at the memorial. I started packing up his clothing. I went back to work.

I miss him terribly, he was the love of my life and my best friend. I still talk to him and I keep his pillow on the bed because it comforts me.

SO... what's wrong with me? I feel like I am too calm. Just the thought of losing him used to give me a crushing pain in my chest - now I feel like that space is empty instead. I haven't cried over him in days, although a TV show can still bring me to tears. I'm still dazed and spacey sometimes but I'm learning to function again. I feel guilty, like I'm not mourning properly. Am I a horrible person? What's wrong with me?

I'm sorry this post was so long, writing it really helped.

Thanks.

Fi

[charlieslove]

Fi. There is nothing wrong with you. I would say that you are probably in shock. Shock does funny things to you. Trust me, the crying will come!! I do it all the time. I lost my husband, my best friend, the ONE person I could always count on, one year and 13 days ago. Today is my 51st birthday and I miss him terribly!!! This morning I read some of the birthday cards he had given me in the past because that way I felt as tho he had given me one today. Needless to say, I was sobbing for most of the morning before I left for work.

I know what you mean about feeling guilty for not crying for a few days. I feel that way, too, sometimes. Time gets away from us and the next thing you know it's been days. That is not to say that I have not thought about him a million times in those days! They would totally understand. They do not WANT us to cry all the time - we need to get on with life and you know that's what they would want us to do.

So far, going into my 2nd year without him, it's been harder than this time last year. That's because I was in such shock then and only going thru the motions and this year the reality has really sunken in.

We are always here to listen and to help if we can! We're all on this lonely road together!!!! I hope you have more good days than bad ones! My thoughts are with you. Take care.

Patti

[CORINA]

Fiona,

I am so sorry for your loss...it's truly unbearable, but it is even less understandable when death comes to someone so young. I lost my husband and best friend Jeff, in August of 2003, and this year is the year it has really hit me hard. You are numb right now, I believe we just keep ourselves busy with whatever fills our mind at the moment. Our children, our jobs, the normal day to day tasks that keep us absorbed in our daily lives. It seems to me that grief comes in waves and at it's own opportune moments. I have talked to others who have said that it sometimes took them years later to grieve someone they lost. At any rate, it is our grief...it comes when it comes...and we deal with it at those moments. I believe it took me so long because my husband suffered with cancer, and for a long time, I was just thankful that he was no longer in pain...then little things happened...our daughter gave us our first grandchild, my older son moved away, my youngest son just turned 18...and all these events took place without Jeff. It was then that my grief began to come in uncontrollable waves. Sometimes it was so overwhelming, that like you, someone would have to physically help me out. There is no explanation or guidebook to how we feel or grieve or act...I say you will experience as it comes. It sounds like you have a great support system, your son, friends, and family. Keep them close, let your heart feel what it needs to when it needs to, cherish your memories... he is always with you... and God Bless! Corinna

[Lynnette]

Hi, this is the first time I've been on this site.

My husband Carl died almost 2 weeks ago, just a week after his 49th birthday. He's been sick all his life and in the last year he had spent a lot of time in the hospital but when the doctors told us that this was the end it still came as a shock to me. I think he knew how sick he was but kept it from me. We had two days together before he started spending most of his time asleep. In those two days we talked and he seemed to be accepting (although not giving up! He was stubborn) He held me as I cried, and I cried a lot in those first days.

His friends started arriving. The nurses lost count of how many people came to visit him. They had moved him to a private room and it seemed like it was always full of people - with as much laughter as tears. He woke up briefly when people came in and was able to talk for a short time before drifting off again. A friend, who is also one of Carl's favourite local musicians, played his favourite song and had every one in the room in tears.

By this time I had become quite calm. I helped care for him as much as I could and in quiet moments I'd crawl into bed with him and talk to him. I stayed there day and night and when the end came it was just him and me. I told him it way ok if he wanted to let go - every breath was a struggle. I told him his dad and Felix (our recently deceased cat) were waiting for him. I told him I would be ok and that some day we would be together again. He died holding my hand.

For the first few days afterwards I was a mess. I would have lost it completely if it wasn't for my son Peter. I had to call him once from the grocery store to to come get me because I was going around in circles and spacing out.

Within a couple of days I was calming down again. I still cried sometimes when I saw a picture of him (in fact I broke down in the photo store trying to explain to a very nice sales girl why I couldn't do my own digital photos) I wrote up a notice for his memorial party and passed it to as many people I could think of. Two of his friends wrote a wonderful obituary and I arranged to have it placed in the local paper. (you can read it on the web site they set up for him at Carl Smith)

All in all I became calmer and calmer. I got through the arrangements at the funeral home without crying more than once. I gave a short speech at the memorial. I started packing up his clothing. I went back to work.

I miss him terribly, he was the love of my life and my best friend. I still talk to him and I keep his pillow on the bed because it comforts me.

SO... what's wrong with me? I feel like I am too calm. Just the thought of losing him used to give me a crushing pain in my chest - now I feel like that space is empty instead. I haven't cried over him in days, although a TV show can still bring me to tears. I'm still dazed and spacey sometimes but I'm learning to function again. I feel guilty, like I'm not mourning properly. Am I a horrible person? What's wrong with me?

I'm sorry this post was so long, writing it really helped.

Thanks.

Fi

[Lynnette]

Hi, my 1st time too-not sure.

I lost Tommy 01-13-06.5 years together, he would have been 30 in February. After frantic lows & highs-I went to work Monday. I couldn't stay home where I had found him-I feel like I'm just going through the motions.I feel for you so deep-I think I'm insensitive sometimes-laiden with guilt. The rest the time I am weak-sobbing wishing he would just call me again at work. You miss the littlest things, loose it over chapstick. I guess what I'm trying to say is-nothing is wrong with you. No matter what's on the outside- no one really knows the void we now have. Try to be good to yourself-that's what they wanted to do for us.