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He Lost His Mother And I Lost Him......


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Hi all,

My name is CoCoa and I am new to the site although I have been reading here for the past few weeks. I have read so many thought provoking and comforting post here and thought I could get some advice on my current situation...I know he and I will never be the same or quite possibly NEVER BE AGAIN but I still have hope in my heart we will be friends in the future. Here is my story:

I met my guy a few years back but neither of us were completely single at the time, we were friends on Facebook and back in May of this year began to chat there, we then exchanged numbers and had our first conversation which lasted 3 hours....we clicked immediately! We talked about our lives, careers and families...he had divorced in the past year, has beautiful twin daughters about to start college, six sisters, he is the only male child and he told me his mom was very ill. She had a stroke 2 years ago and had never fully recovered, she was in a nursing home.

My guy and I started to date just before he left town for his daughter's high school graduation, we communicated daily while he was away and after he got back we were either on the phone, out having a meal and drinks or taking in a movie. We were dating regularly and had a great admiration for each other. There were times I did not see him due to his need to go spend time with his mom which I knew was very important to him. Early July he mentioned his sisters and he had to make a very difficult decision about hospice care for his mom, there were issues with her feeding tube. The week he told me I was going out of town for a few days and saw him before I left, he was very concerned with when I would be returning. As fate would have it she passed very early the morning of July 16th as I was driving back to NJ from DC. He texted me his mom passed and I called him immediately and asked if he wanted me to come to him as I was not far from where the nursing home was....I had never been there before but I wanted to be there for him. He said no, go home and he would call me later.

We communicated regularly during the time his family and he made the arrangements for his mother's burial, I did not see him much but he always made sure to call or text me because he knew I was concerned about him. I know he started to grieve before she passed because there were times I would not hear from him or see him and then he would resurface. I had not met his mother or any of his family so going to the viewing and funeral made me a bit nervous. I went to the viewing and was put a little at ease when on of his twin sisters walked up to me and said you must be CoCoa, you looks just like the pictures I saw of you. He had told his twin sisters about me during their visits with their mom. At both the viewing and the funeral I sat to the side and tried to make sure I could see him as much as possible, before his mom passed he told me he hoped he did not completely breakdown and lose it due to her passing, that he had to be strong for his sisters and all the women in his family. I also attended the repass which was held at the church after the services. When I walked in he lit up when he saw me kissed me on the forehead he is very tall 6'5 and I am 5'7 grabbed my hand and proceeded to in traduce me to each and everyone of his family members.

The first few weeks after he seemed to be okay, I did not see him on the weekends much and I believe that is when he would withdraw and mourn. One Monday after he and I did not speak or see each other he texted me "when can we meet so I can give you your stuff". I was so confused and called him to ask "why so extreme?" I only had a few things at his place and it was nothing important that I needed. He came to my house and I got in his car to talk, I asked him if he was going to let me say anything....he said not here take your stuff I have to go to work, he placed a bad on my lap and ..I did not look at it....I WANTED TO TALK, he said "that's your stuff right?" I looked down at the bag only to find out it was a gift, wrapped in a beautiful red box....OMG he got me! He said the look on my face was priceless..I bet it was. We resumed our dating, went to dinner that night and the following night. I was back on cloud 9.

Here is where we disconnected, he has a very high profile position in law enforcement, for a few days he was calling me and kept saying let me call you back, this went on for three days and I felt a bit disrespected so I said something to him about it being very rude and he got a little nasty and said something about me being insecure...this conversation was not nice and we both became silent, I broke the silence by saying I have to go and wash the dishes and we hung up. After that he would not take my calls and became very distant. I did finally see him last week, we had lunch and neither one of us could eat, he looked and acted like a person I had never seen before, I could see the hurt and pain in his face and he was extremely irritated about everything. I was crushed, I said to him "this is a bad dream right?" We said something about always being friends...he could barely make eye contact with me and I told him "I missed the high I used to get when he would light up when he saw me". he gave me a very weak smile. My heart was breaking at that moment. His birthday was that Saturday, I asked to take him out and he said he did not know what he was going to do....Needless to say I did not see him, earlier that week he said something about it being his first birthday without his mom....During that conversation he also said he was too old to be living his life in the fast lane....that he was good being by himself right now. We walked to our cars he gave me my belongings back and hugged me and kissed me several times on my cheek.....I was in a state of shock. Later that night I got this text from him : "You are my deep down inside... You are a beautiful woman with a lot of class... I'm hurting inside and need some time stay strong and brilliant you are it.....Let your sway show!!!" I responded " I know you are hurting and I will be here for you if you need to talk."

I have honored what he has asked other sending him a birthday email which he thanked me for and mailed him a birthday card. I see on Facebook he has taken a few road trips and even posted a romantic song on there the other night....we don't post or like anything on each other's pages,,,,there is a very loud silence, I miss him like crazy and at times wonder does he think of me and our time together. I know he is in deep pain and maybe is grieving secondary losses as well....his second marriage which ended last year and the fact he had to sell his big beautiful home after the divorce. I am just praying that one day I will see that big infectious smile again and those soul stirring green eyes. He truly is an AMAZING MAN!!!! He turned 53 last Saturday and I 50 this past June....I saw him as another chance at LOVE...he came out of nowhere for me only to lose him like this.......

Thank you for reading this long post...I omitted some details but I am sure you all get the gist of my story as we all share the same pain. Thank you in advance for any and all feedback. Blessings to you, CoCoa

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I am so so sorry...I know the pain all too well. I have no advice, you already know what to do, how to handle it, and really, the ball is in his court...so many of us have been there, very few luck out and get to salvage their relationship under these circumstances although I think all of us started out hoping for that...the pain, the realization that there really is nothing we could have done, very hard to handle. We can't even hate them for what they did to us, how can you hate someone who is grieving the loss of their mother? But it's so dang hard, so painful! A breakup under any other circumstance could warrant some anger that could fuel our resolve that would help us move forward.

In this situation, however, we must come to the realization we must continue for ourselves, do what is best for us, even as we are hurting so badly inside. I hope yours is one of those exceptions, one of those miracles...but I ask you to try not to hope for that, because to do so could hurt you all the more. But keep on doing what is best for YOU. Take good care of yourself, spend time with friends and family, keep yourself busy, do good things for yourself. In time perhaps you can resume contact and who knows...but try not to focus on that. For your own good. Wishing you the best...

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Hi KayC,

Thank you so much for your kind and wise words. your story was on of the first I read and I must say you have handled the situation very well considering the pain I know you must have experienced. The way you are still connected to him is very admirable and I just pray I have the same strength when and if my guys comes back around. We started as friends and that is something I will always cherish. I sometimes think that God had our paths cross at that time just so he would have someone other than his family to support him through his mother's transition. I look at it as an honor that I was chosen, there is not one bad thing I can say about my guy and I know that his intent was never to hurt or disrespect me.

No he will never be the same man I fell for nor will I ever forget the way he made me feel so special in so many ways. Honestly I believe his secondary losses along with the loss of his mother are painful beyond anything I could imagine. I was married and divorced many years ago and I know the feeling of failure and loss that creates. He must feel life his entire world has fallen apart and his heart is shattered for good, I pray for his peace and comfort each and everyday. I have my good and not so good moments missing him but my thought of him always make me smile.....I know I have to move forward and live my life, I told him when we connected I have a very full life and I do but he was a lovely addition and I miss that. Statistically I know it is very likely we will never be together again, that's okay because we once were and it was so good.

Stay Blessed and thanks again... CoCoa

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  • 2 weeks later...


He posted this on Facebook last night: "Thank God for meditation and prayer... Through solitude,
I finally figured out what I wanna be when I grow up.... You know that second phase of your life... And boy am I going to have some fun... "...I liked the post.

Today he texted me "Powerball 400 Million!!!" I texted back "Thanks, I will get tickets!!"

This is the only communication we have had since he told me he needed time about 3 weeks ago. I guess it is just to touch base with me as a friend, I am happy for that and I have no expectations or reconnecting. I am just glad he is okay and has taken time to grieve and do whatever he needs to do for HIM. I know we will always be friends because I allowed him his space without pressure. I pray for him everyday and will always do so, I find peace knowing I can at least do that for him. - CoCoa

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Glad to read this CoCoa.

But I really believe that this depends on the person.

I didn't add any pressure to my ex. I gave him space myself and after the break off I only came in contact twice in 3.5 months to see how he is doing and of course he didn't come in contact with me. I really thougth that in the end we will stay friends because of my attitude but it seems that this is not the case. I strongly believe that if it was other woman/girl in my shoes she would have added pressure from the first month. I myself told him please don't mind me, stay with yourself, have communication whenever you feel like and even when he told me to break up I told him that I fully understand him.

I even have heard stories about people that added pressure and they got what they wanted or stayed friends in the very end.

So I really don't believe it has to do only with your attitude, rather than he respects you as a person.

Hope everything will be fine in the end :)

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Pollara is right, it's more about them and their response than us. We can't control anything about them through good or bad behavior or attitudes. Jim stayed friends with me, after an absence, albeit mostly just "phone friends", we only see each other about once a year. I've let him set the tone. We touch base a couple times a week. He's never come back to my place since he broke up with me.

I don't think I could have handled it if I hadn't acknowledged to myself that our relationship was over and no hope for getting back together. It's been over three years and he's made no attempt to resume our relationship, although he has given some mixed messages, which I've decided to ignore as I can't handle the emotional turmoil.

Good luck going forward!

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Hi Pollara and kayc,

I appreciate your feedback and sharing of your personal experiences. I have NO EXPECTATIONS that this situation will turn out one way or another, I just pray my guy is okay and that he will return to the man I got to know....not for me but for HIM. He is an amazingly kind spirit with a heart of gold and I know he has so much life to live and love to give to someone....if not me then someone that will appreciate him completely. He is coming up for air and I am just glad he reached out to me, the correspondence is very light...but he initiated so I know he was thinking of me. That warms my heart.....CoCoa

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It sounds like he is lucky to have one such as you in his life!

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