Thinking Of Mom A Year Later/missing Her

[Guest Guest_Dester_*]

I still think of mom every day. I can hear her voice in the things I say. I can see messages sent to me from her in the hummingbirds that linger outside my window. She was such a huge part of my life...and the reality is that I didn't know how big until now that she's gone. Did I appreciate her enough? Absolutely not!! Did I spend enough time with her? No. I lived 1400 miles away....... It wasn't until the summer that I moved to Arizona to be closer to her that she got sick and died.....and I was robbed of what precious time we could have spent together. I miss talking to her on the phone 3 to 4 times per week and for an hour on Saturday. I just miss having her in my life. Mom and I did not see eye to eye and very many things in this life.....I was very a liberal thinker and she was not. In fact, much of the time I doubted she even liked me very much. She clearly favored my brother and didn't hide that fact. But when it came to just being together and traveling together and playing cribbage....we got along famously. As we get closer to the holidays and I think even more about all the years we spent getting to know each other....kind of like she was from the Moon and I was from some other planet, I miss all the time we had and all the possibilities we missed out on. The truth is that I loved my mom more than she ever knew....I told her so, but I still don't think she knew. Missing her more than ever, Dester

[Meow-Meow's Mommy]

I know she knew and she knows, mom's just know, so much more than we ever give them credit for, and I'm not a mom so I'm not being bias

My dad died when I was 24 back in 1989. He and my mom had a very rocky marriage, separated when I was 12, back together again, off and on all through high school, very turbulant time for me, and being the oldest of 3 girls, a lot of responsibilities fell on me.

Dad and I were always very close and I love him with all my heart. During those turbulant years, however, especially during high school, I rebelled, and I had an attitude, and we weren't as close then as he or I would have liked, but I blamed him a lot on how our family was back then, I was a kid, ignorant and in a lot of pain.

When I finally got my head out of my butt in January of 1989 I made it a point to start spending time with him, like you had with your mom. I had 6 months before he died suddently of a massive heart attack at the age of 48, and at first I thought like you did, that I was robbed and cheated, that we had so many more years left together, he hadn't even gotten to walk me down the aisle when I got married, he never got to see any of his grandkids except his first one, Adrian Loyd, and he was only 1 year old when our dad died. I came to realize in time, however, that those 6 months were actually a gift, that I was blessed with those 6 months, noone else had the 6 months like I had, noone else was blessed with spending the time with him like I did for those 6 months. Yes, I wanted more, I wanted him back, I still do, I would and will give anything to have him back, but life doesn't work that way.

Try to see the last amount of time you had with your mom as a gift instead of looking at it the other way. I know how hard it is, I have been there, it took me 11 E L E V E N long years to finally accept my healing, to finally make peace with my dad's death, to finally have hope and joy again, and 11 years is way too long, unhealthily too long, and I never want to go through that again with anyone, so I know of what I speak. You were given a gift, and your mom absolutely 100% knew and knows how much she meant to her child and how much her child loves her, no matter what religious or political differences you may have had, all that doesn't matter to a child/parent relationship, ultimately.

Take care my friend,

(BTY, I'm pretty conservative too)

Tracy

[Guest Cindy]

Hi, the hummingbird you mentioned shocked me. My parents both died of cancer 3 months apart, and no one, not even them knew they were sick. Right after the 2nd death, I asked God to send me a hummingbird to tell me if they were with him. Within one minute a hummingbird flew up to my face, hesitated, and then flew away. I was in shock. My husband took off a lot of work since all I did was cry. We then decided to travel 5,300 miles to the northwest and Canada to get my mind on something else. It really worked for a month. Now, sitting home while hubby is at work is making me so lonely and depressed. I feel like I don't have enough to do to keep me busy. I always did before. I don't want to clean house, or even leave the house to get groceries. I feel very insecure for age 48. There seems to be nothing in my life that gives me pleasure, except smoking, and I wasn't a smoker. I have only 2 friends and they don't understand my need to grieve, so I don't talk about it with them. I am so very lonely. I need a friend to understand all of this, but don't know how to find one. This is my first answer to any post and I can barely stop the tears from poring out of my eyes. I'm sorry for you loss of your Mother. I wish I could be a child again and really appreciate what we had, instead of expecting them to wait on me.

[MissMyMom]

[Maylissa]

She was such a huge part of my life...and the reality is that I didn't know how big until now that she's gone.

Dester,

I've been trying to figure this one out myself, except for me, my Mom wasn't in my life terribly much ( at least that's how I compare her presence with others' moms) and yet, somehow her presence feels large to me now. It's not rational at all and yet there's the same feeling as you have. Like you, I just miss having her in my life, too, no matter what else.

Did I appreciate her enough? Absolutely not!! Did I spend enough time with her? No. I lived 1400 miles away.

.

I can answer the same way here, although I didn't get to spend more time with my Mom even later on. I've felt so often this year like the daughter from Hades, either not doing because of my own reasons, or not being able to do for other reasons beyond my control, all the things I'd dreamed of doing, with and for, my Mom. Distance was one large consideration, as was income, as were a host of other things....but now, with her gone, all I focus on is how I could have been a much better daughter than I was. My husband's quick to point out how my Mom could have been a much better Mom than she was, and that I beat her by a county mile in many ways, but it still seems to fall mainly deafly upon my ears. The guilt is reigning supreme this year.

Mom and I did not see eye to eye and very many things in this life.....I was very a liberal thinker and she was not. In fact, much of the time I doubted she even liked me very much. She clearly favored my brother and didn't hide that fact.

Again, such similarity between us...yes, this was me and my Mom, too, even as far as the favouring of one of my brothers in many ways, in the important ways. He got the benefit of the doubt in everything, while I was expected to be perfect even in the face of extreme injustice perpetrated against me. He got forgiven every trespass ( and there were many, and heinous ones ), while my 'sins' were broadcast and often twisted in the telling, and on and on. As my husband just said, my Mom concentrated on the 'wrong' child, while my heart was always in the right place and she just didn't recognize that often enough to be fair. And yet, she loved me, too, and did many loving acts for me, even if the words to accompany them often weren't there.

...kind of like she was from the Moon and I was from some other planet, I miss....all the possibilities we missed out on. The truth is that I loved my mom more than she ever knew.

I've often wondered just how I could have come from the same family as the rest of them and yet, despite such extreme differences overall, I always felt me and my Mom had the closest familial relationship, all differences aside. It's the strangest dichotomy, and yet this is what I cling to, in my fond memories as well as my grief. Even the tension those differences caused between us also somehow made our connection to each other stronger. There was an underlying passion in our battles, where we wanted to connect more closely....we just couldn't speak the same language. I wish I'd been smarter then, enough to realize how strong that bond really was, how vital it was, despite the distance, both physical and emotional. I, too, loved my Mom more than I ever felt she knew, as there was often so much strife, or in later years, enough dementia in her, that it was virtually impossible to get through to her on a deeper level...or so I thought...but now I wonder if I was wrong in that assumption. I was robbed of the kind of mother my Mom could have and would have been, had her circumstances and choices been healthier, and yet it was also partly her doing that led to such destruction. So I love her and am mad at her, for denying me the kind of mother I believe I deserved.

In reality, I mainly lost her and all the possibilities we had as mother and daughter a long time ago, but still hoped that one day, magically, before she died, she'd awake to those possibilities and realize what she'd missed out on, too, and somehow be able to work back towards that. And while I still feel we got much of that the last time I saw her in rehab., it feels like it's never going to be enough to sustain me. Now I'm left with trying to create enough self-love inside to make up for all I lost, or never had, all by myself.

The child inside me cries out for my mommy and now must grieve for all those earlier hurts I never fully grieved, as well as those of having lost her. The adult in me cries for not having been wise enough to just give her the love she needed as much as I did, when she was here to receive it.

[Guest Guest_Dester_*]

Quote

The child inside me cries out for my mommy and now must grieve for all those earlier hurts I never fully grieved, as well as those of having lost her. The adult in me cries for not having been wise enough to just give her the love she needed as much as I did, when she was here to receive it.

AMEN!! I couldn't have said it better. I did try to love my mother in so many ways. I did try to give her what she didn't/couldn't give me. Every time we talked on the phone I told mom I loved her. But she was closed off.....even my brother...the favored one...said that hugging her was like hugging a frozen person. So it wasn't just me that felt that way. This is about mom and not about me............ She was closed off for reasons that went to the grave with her.

This grief is so complicated. In a way I'm glad I didn't have children, because at least I am not going to hurt anyone so deeply and so completely. The only thing left is to know that mom did the best with what she had to work with...........she wasn't one to go to counseling and explore personal issues..so she had it all inside. I have to open up my heart and have compassion for her pain. She must have had a lot of pain. I am glad that out of all of this I learned how to love....now I have to love myself enough to forgive and move on with it. Dester

[Maylissa]

Quote

She was closed off for reasons that went to the grave with her.

This grief is so complicated.

Dester and Marty:

Dester,

This has to be one of the worst parts for me of all this unfinished business. While I know quite a bit about my Mom's background, as she confided in me in ways she didn't with my brothers ( sometimes inappropriately, but I'm still glad I know about these things now ), there remain some family secrets, both from her family-or-origin and mine, that would help me to understand and therefore accept more of what went on in my family ~ the big 'WHY'S' ~ if I knew more about them. I've put off, for all of these 2 years, seeing if I can get some of the answers from her medical history, because it's likely to be denied me and I'm so tired of having to fight for my rights as a family member. It would bring up all the same issues again that surrounded my Mom's passing and I haven't wanted to go there yet again. The government makes nothing easy for families in grief! But it might put to rest some of this stuff, too. It would require several letters, which I just haven't wanted to write. So no kidding, this grief is complicated!!

Marty,

And that brings up another point, which I'm hoping you might be able to answer, Marty. While I'm well aware of the whole idea of certain family members taking on the role of 'fixer', which is definitely what I did, I did work hard through the years to give up those actions associated with this role. With every conversation with my Mom, I was aware of when that urge would present itself, and made conscious efforts to not take it farther than what would be considered reasonable, in the way of suggestions, etc. for my Mom's self-care. However, despite all this intellectual knowing, that feeling has remained in the forefront during my grief, even when I remind myself that I did what I could, within reason, to help my Mom and that it was her life to do with as she pleased. Yet the guilt I feel over not being able, for whatever reasons, to 'fix' her life, health, our relationship or what-have-you, is hanging on. I'm afraid I'll never get rid of this and wondered if you could shed more light on this psychological condition and suggest any methods to overcome it, once and for all? ( or is this very topic covered in that book you'd suggested, the name of which escapes me right now? ) Any help with this would be so very appreciated!

Maylissa

[MartyT]

And that brings up another point, which I'm hoping you might be able to answer, Marty ... the guilt I feel over not being able, for whatever reasons, to 'fix' her life, health, our relationship or what-have-you, is hanging on. I'm afraid I'll never get rid of this and wondered if you could shed more light on this psychological condition and suggest any methods to overcome it, once and for all?

My dear Maylissa,

Your post reminds me of a snippet I took from a piece that was circulating all over the Internet yesterday. It just struck me, and I think it resonates with many of us:

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That her childhood

May not have been Perfect...

but -- Its over...

The psychological condition to which you refer is guilt, in your case "the guilt I feel over not being able, for whatever reasons, to 'fix' her life, health, our relationship or what-have-you" -- and it's one of the most common reactions in grief. I think the most helpful way for me to respond to your request is to share the following, which is taken from my online e-mail course on grief:

Course Title: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey

Lesson # 10: Guilt

By Marty Tousley

Mindset Instructions:

As you begin today’s lesson, take a few moments to ponder the quotation below:

Quote

“It is only too easy to compel a sensitive human being to feel guilty about anything.”

— Morton Irving Seiden

Opening Remarks

In our last lesson, you discovered that anger is one of the most common reactions in grief.

Do you ever find yourself feeling guilty for what you did or didn’t do, said or failed to say when your loved one was alive, even if there is no basis for it?

Guilt is a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a whole mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

When your loved one’s terminal illness was finally diagnosed, you may feel guilty that you hadn’t noticed symptoms sooner, waited too long to seek treatment or didn’t do enough to comfort him or her. If death came suddenly or unexpectedly, you may feel guilty for not being present when it happened. If it came after a long, lingering illness, you may feel guilty for feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering is over and you’re now free from the burden of worry and care. You may feel guilty that you are the one who survived, or uncomfortable that you received an insurance settlement or inheritance following the death of your loved one. If you’re a religious person, you may feel guilty that you feel so angry at God.

Unfortunately, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. When someone you love dies, it’s only human to search for an explanation, to look at what you did or did not do, to dwell on the what if’s and if only’s. You agonize and tell yourself, “If only I’d done something differently, this never would’ve happened.” Sometimes, though, there simply isn’t anything you could’ve done differently. When your loved one’s illness or death occurred, chances are that whatever happened beforehand was not intentional on your part. Given the stress you were under then and how exhausted you may have been, you were doing the best you could. Given the information available to you at the time, you were doing what you normally would have done.

Harsh as it may seem, consider that even if you had done things differently, your loved one still could have died in some other way at some other time! Sometimes we act as if we can control the random hazards of existence, even when we know that death is a fact of life.

Guilt is driven by our own personal beliefs and expectations, and dealing with it requires that we examine what we think we did wrong, face it and evaluate it as objectively as possible.

What did you expect of yourself that you did not live up to?

Were your expectations unrealistic?

If they were, then you need to let go of them. Since you did all that you were capable of doing at the time, there simply is no basis for your guilt, and you need to let go of that as well.

What if, after careful examination of the facts, you find that your expectations of yourself are legitimate and you still did not live up to them?

Then it’s important to face and take responsibility for what you believe you could’ve done differently. Healthy guilt allows us to own up to and learn from our mistakes. It gives us a chance to make amends, to do things differently next time, to come to a better understanding of ourselves, to forgive ourselves and move on.

In the days ahead, take some time for one or more of the following exercises:

-Identify what it is that you feel guilty about. Resist the urge to keep such thoughts and feelings to yourself like so many deep, dark secrets. Bring them out into the open where they can be examined. Share them with a trusted friend or counselor, who can view your thoughts and feelings more objectively, and challenge what may be irrational or illogical.

- Listen to the messages you give yourself (the “should have’s, could have’s and if only’s”), and realize the past is something you can do absolutely nothing about. When guilty thoughts come to mind, disrupt them by telling yourself to stop thinking such thoughts. Say “STOP!” firmly, and out loud if you need to.

- Live the next day or next week of your life as if you were guilt-free, knowing you can return to your guilt feelings any time you wish. Pick a start time, and stop yourself whenever you make any guilt-related statements.

- Write down your guilt-related statements, set a date, and pledge that from that day forward you won’t say them to yourself anymore. Post them and read them every day.

- If you are troubled by feeling relieved that your loved one’s suffering has ended, know that a heavy burden has been lifted from your shoulders; you have been released from an emotionally exhausting and physically draining experience, and to feel relieved is certainly understandable.

- If you believe in God or a higher power, consider what He or She has to say about forgiveness.

- Participate in a support group — it’s a powerful way to obtain forgiveness and absolution from others.

- Be your own best friend. What would you have said to your best friend if this had happened to that person? Can you say the same to yourself?

- Remember the good things you did in your relationship with your loved one and all the loving care you gave. Focus on the positive aspects: what you learned from each other, what you did together that brought you joy, laughter and excitement. Write those things down, hold onto them and read them whenever you need to.

- Ask what you expected of yourself that you didn’t live up to. How is it that you didn’t? What were the circumstances at the time? What have you learned from this that you’ll do differently next time?

What can you do to make amends? Find a way to genuinely apologize to your loved one’s spirit and ask for forgiveness.

- Have a visit with your loved one. Say aloud or in your mind whatever you didn’t get to say while your loved one was still living. Be as honest as you can be.

- Have your loved one write a letter to you. What would this person say to you about the guilt and sadness you’ve been carrying around?

- Ask what it would take for you to forgive yourself. Can you begin doing it? Say out loud to yourself, “I forgive you.” Say it several times a day.

- When you’ve consciously learned all you can learn from this situation, and when you’ve made any amends you consider necessary, then it’s time to let go of your guilt, to forgive yourself, and to move on.

- Channel the energy of your guilt into a worthwhile project. Do good deeds in your loved one’s honor.

Do you need additional guidance, support or information?

Click link(s) below to order, access or learn more about resource.

This lesson's suggested reading:

Forgiveness: A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart, by Robin Casarjian, Bantam Books, 1992.

Coping with Guilt, by Carol Staudacher.

Guilt and Regret in Prolonged Illness, by Ken Doka.

Dealing with Guilt: The Goldman Method.

Movies and video rentals can dramatize others coming to terms with their grief, which may help you in dealing with your own. It is in this spirit that I recommend movies or videos that I believe are especially effective in addressing certain grief issues. Before you see or rent a movie, however, please read the film's description and reviews to help you decide whether watching it will support you at this point in your grief journey.

This lesson’s video picks (click on the title for Amazon's description and reviews):

A Rumor of Angels (2000), with Vanessa Redgrave & Ray Liotta

Ordinary People (1980) with Donald Sutherland & Mary Tyler Moore

Closing Remarks

Remember that no one else can absolve your feelings of guilt— only you can do so, through the process of intentionally forgiving yourself. Our next lesson explores the sorrow of grief.

Course Number 8 Lesson Number 10

About the Instructor

Marty Tousley, APRN, BC, CT is a hospice bereavement counselor helping people find their way through grief following the death of a family member. As a volunteer with the Halton-Peel Pet Loss Support Group in Ontario, Canada and the Pet Grief Support Service in Phoenix, AZ, she also works with bereaved animal lovers, both individually and in groups, and consults with veterinary clinics to foster greater understanding of pet loss among staff members, thereby building better helping relationships with grieving clients. A frequent contributor to healthcare journals, newsletters and magazines for the lay public, she has written several articles and book chapters in the professional nursing and medical literature, and has authored three books addressing various aspects of loss and grief. Her award-winning Internet Web site, Grief Healing, offers information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or mourning the loss of a loved one, whether human or animal. Marty can be reached via e-mail at tousleym@aol.com.

Copyright © 2005 by Martha M. Tousley. All rights reserved.

[Guest Guest_tattoodlb_*]

Hi Dester, I can totally relate to your feelings of not being the "favorite" I was not either and at times my mother actually blamed me for some of her problems, which now I know was not healthy on her part, nor healthy for me to be the brunt of the blame. I also tried to help my mother and to be there for her, but she seemed to like my sister much better, doing things with her and going out, etc. I realize now that I think she was acutally afraid or jealous of me for getting my life together and pulling my head out of my butt too and going to school, buying a house, etc. My mom died 2 1/2 years ago, (still seems like yesterday)and I never got to say what I wanted, and I tried to tell her I loved her and she would get rude about it making it sound like a lie, anyhow, I tell myself that I did the best I could and I was there for her when she needed me and that is the best I could have done. I don't beat myself up over it any more and I know that she had her own demons in her closet, so I leave it at that and hope she has peace now.

[Guest Guest_Dester_*]

Marty,

Thank you for the information on guilt. I feel so much of it over the last days of care for my mother. The hospice we used in San Diego was given through the hospital and I didn't know the differnece between one hospice and another. It just so happened that the one we got was small and under-staffed. They kept promising a 24 hour nurse and someone to give mom a bath, but it didn't happen and mom went down-hill so fast.....she died within 2 1/2 weeks of being assigned hospice and I didn't have time to change to another better staffed one. Nor did I even know a bigger better staffed one existed until after she died. Because of this I took care of everything and did the best I could......during the last 4 days mom needed a bath and I was so freaked out and stress-out by the fact she couldn't breath (she had lung cancer and the vein near her heart had pressure making her arm swell up) I didn't know what to do. I needed medical help. I couldn't do it alone. I feel so bad and guilty that I didn't give mom a bath. Plus mom was so private about herself...I'm not sure she would have let me. When her heart almost gave out and she asked to be taken to the hospital....I got someone to bath her right away. She died a couple days later. I didn't know someone could died that fast and I didn't have any help......I just pray that I didn't everything correctly and didn't do anything to hurt her. I am carrying guilt like a load of rocks........ It all happened so fast...I didn't know cancer could make a person go that fast. I have migraines and all the while I struggled to keep myself on an even keel so I could go on and help mom. I had to take rests every so often and thank god I didn't get a migraine during that time....it all seems like a dream now. I comb over the time trying to find any time anything that I did wrong....why can I look for what I did right? I was there for her and loved her and held her and rocked her and gave her the meds and helped her breath when she couldn't and fed her. I calmed her when she was afraid....I tried so hard to be perfect............it was the most difficult time of my life. Dester