My Dad Died Friday

[pastmidnite]

...and we had a difficult relationship. He was not a good dad to me and my sister. He was emotionally abusive to us and our mom for 40 years. I didn't know his death would hit me this hard. I am so sad and reliving so many memories. Additionally, there is the weird dichotomy because he was so nice to people that weren't family that most people don't get it and think he was such a great guy.

[MartyT]

Dear One, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I send you my heartfelt sympathy. Grieving for a parent who was emotionally abusive to you and other members of your family for all those many years is not an easy task.

I invite you to read the article I posted on the Grief Healing Blog just this morning. It could have been written just for you: Complicated Grief: Mourning An Abusive Mother.

See also Karla Helbert's piece, Is It Harder To Mourn An Actual Loss, Or Loss of An Ideal You Never Had?

[Guest babylady]

so sorry for your loss. my dad and i were estranged for 28 years when he died in '04. i had always hoped we would have a reconciliation. when i found out he died i cried and screamed. i wonder if he thought about me and my sisters who he was also estranged from when he was in his final hours. did he ask for us? we'll never know because his wife would never have told us.

when my husband was dying my sister had a dream that our dad was at the hospital. she asked "what are you doing here"? he answered "i'm here because i'm needed". don't know if the dream meant anything. he was fond of my husband.

arlene

[mfh]

I am sorry for your loss. It is difficult to lose a parent but to lose one where so much pain is an issue makes this loss so difficult. I wonder if some of your grief is about what never was. When I lost my father who was also abusive, not only did I miss the good man in him but I missed and regretted never having a real relationship with him, a relationship of love and respect. It is difficult to grieve this loss and difficult to forgive. I do believe that those who are abusive have, in some way, carried pain all their lives and never dealt with that for some reason we will never know. We became the victim of their pain and fear. My heart goes out to you as i know the conflict involved in this loss. Peace to your heart, Mary

[kayc]

I'm sorry for your loss. While few have ideal parents, hopefully fewer yet have abusive ones...I am one that did. My mom though, not my dad, although he was alcoholic so not exactly ideal.

When the loss occurs, we can be surprised by the complexity of it...not anticipating to feel the way we do. We mourn what we should have had and never did, we mourn the good we do remember, we struggle to deal with the bad.

I would say, let go of other people's opinions and responses...you are right, they don't know, they have no clue who your dad really was. You and your family do.

My mom is not dead yet, but going through a process...she has Dementia and is in a lock down facility designed to protect her. I know my sisters struggle with their feelings (i.e. why is this abusive woman being so lovingly cared for and protected when the same was never awarded us?). I have, I believe, been incorporating forgiveness, leaving to God to be her judge, not me, for I do not know what she is responsible for, and what she isn't (having mental illness all her life), what she could have changed or done differently...I have just had to let go of all of that and leave that up to the Best Judge. For now I am caring about her and am surprised to learn that I have some loving feelings towards her...I hadn't realized that before. It's okay to feel everything you feel, ambivalence, love, sorrow, confusion...all are normal under the circumstances.

Very good pieces, Marty.

[MartyT]

Excellent points, Kay. As you say, we human beings are capable of holding more than one thought or emotion at a time, and sometimes those thoughts and emotions are totally opposed to one another: love and hate, attraction and revulsion, sadness and joy, wanting to be close and wanting to avoid ~ the list is endless. This can be very confusing unless we understand that such ambivalence is normal, especially under the circumstances you describe.

[Guest babylady]

my step daughter was estranged from her dad. they never really had a good relationship. when she found out he was dying she flew out to be with him. she hadn't been on a plane since '97 because of fear of flying. they had a very emotional reunion. fortunately he recognized her. they hugged -- both cried and said "i'm sorry". she was great with him. fawned all over him. she stayed with me and we bonded. we're very close now, but she still harbors a lot of anger toward her dad. i just bought her the book "the wounded woman" -- healing the father daughter relationship. i told her if this doesn't help she needs to see a therapist. she blames everything that's gone wrong in her life on her dad including her relationships with men. she's 44 and never been married.

the first night she was here she asked me if she was in the will. it was inappropriate and still bothers me. when i told her she wasn't she cried. i tried to explain that in most cases husbands and wives leave everything to each other. i think she should have been more concerned that i was left enough to live on. we were not rich people.

[pastmidnite]

I thank you all for your responses and kindness. I agree that the complications with the relationships we wish we had with people can add so much uncertainty in the grief process. I had done a lot of processing and expected a different response for whatever reason--probably because I forgot that you can prepare all you want and that doesn't change the way the reality of the finality of death hit you. My dad had been in a nursing facility for the past 4 years and Kay as I've read your posts about your mom I have thought I kept about the right balance for me and I hope you are for you as well--it sounds like it and constantly checking in about that. He had dementia as a result of long term MS and being in the end stages of the disease. Some days he was back working and he often thought my mom lived at the facility as well. I needed to visit although I didn't think I would when I no longer "had" to in order to see my mom. I only visited two to three times per year, but I sent cards and called as well. I agree that my dad (as many abusers are) was a truly unhappy person deep down and I also believe he had an undiagnosed personality disorder. I certainly know that he had a difficult childhood himself. The last two weeks of his life I went through getting him set up on hospice and he went very fast. It had long been expected--he had been sick for years. It is true that I currently spend a lot of time thinking about the good times, the bad times and the in between--feeling many different feelings at the same time. I am glad that I was there with him to say goodbye and that he is no longer suffering. Despite the fact that he made the choices in life that alienated him from my sister, me and my mom I still found it important to approach him with compassion and make the visits and cards meaningful. Thanks again and I'm sure I'll continue to process....

Another note--as we all know, people tend to get strange about things when they are grieving (I was so upset about an email for work and it seemed so important at that moment--the next day I realized it was just that I was feeling so raw that everything was a bigger deal than it was)and I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. So although asking if one is in the will may seem inappropriate it likely comes from a place of did he really love me or I want something to prove he cared despite our estrangement. My family asked about the STUFF at the nursing home, and at first it was a bit weird to me, but I realized it was more about their need to process and less about THINGS. That isn't always the case, but I think it is often.

[Guest babylady]

i think in my step daughter's mind she associates money with love. over the years it seemed the only time she contacted her dad was to ask for money. that was part of the problem.

when john was dying i wasn't sure whether or not i was going to collect life insurance. i told my step daughter that if did i would give her $25,000 which i did. i felt it was the right thing to do. i also put her in MY will for a substantial amount of money. when i told her how much it was she didn't think it was enough. it's the same amount as i'm leaving my granddaughter who is my blood. she said "i'm his only child -- i should get more". i think it's hard for her to understand that the insurance money was mine to do whatever i wanted with -- that she's not my blood relative and is not entitled to anything from me. even if she tried to contest it she wouldn't have a case. again i did it because i felt it was the right thing to do and i felt my husband would approve. when i told my friends about her reaction they couldn't believe it.

her mother raised her with a sense of "entitlement". i can't blame her. she was raised the same way. her mom's dad always worked 2 jobs to give his wife and children a good life. they never owned a home -- were always in debt, but the mom got her trips to europe every few years. when i met my husband his wife was on a 3 month european trip with his 18 month old daughter and her mother. her parents convinced him it wouldn't cost that much. took him 5 years to pay off the bills from that trip. that particular year (1970) he made less than $12,000 -- that was with all the overtime he could get.

sorry for the rant. i come from a humble background and worked for everything i have. i'm doing okay now with john's pension and the insurance but i never forgot where i came from.

i'm a very charitable person and it's important to me to help out those who are less fortunate. i learned that from an early age. i was raised catholic. i remember going to mass on christmas day when i was around 7. there was a collection for the orphans. my mom put $5.00 on the collection plate. i said "mom that's $5.00. she said "would you like to be an orphan today"? now i don't know how much my dad made but our rent was $21.00 a month and $5.00 bought a lot of food. my dad never owned a new car -- always a used one. my parents saved and when i was 12 they had $500 -- enough to put a down payment on a small $10,000 house. my mom said there was barely enough left to buy a garbage pail.

john and i bought our first house when i was 48 and he was 42. his daughter bought her first house when she was 26. at age 28 she asked him for money to pay off one of her student loans. he gave it to her. she's been with CNN since '93. right now she's making $80,000 a year.

again sorry for the rant. i tend to get "carried away".

arlene

[kayc]

Pastmidnite,

It sounds like you're doing all the right things for YOU, which is what is important. We can't forget the way they treated us, but we can forgive them...knowing that forgiveness does not mean it was okay or that we agree with it, we don't. We can learn from their mistakes and be better parents than they were...that is our legacy.

My mom said years ago she was leaving everything to my brother. I asked only for a painting of my dad (I'm his first born) and was denied that. Truly everything was going to my brother! There are six of us kids! I don't resent my brother, he did more for my mom, being the youngest and able to fix things around her place, get her firewood, etc. I let go of all of the "stuff" and figured I'd lived w/o it all my life, and my mom couldn't take my memories of my dad away...I let it all go. You are right, it's not about the stuff, it's about feeling valued to them. Only I don't think my mom could value me or anyone, she was too "sick". I value me...that is something I can do for myself that she couldn't.

Whatever we have to do for our own peace of mind, that we must do (as long as it's legal, LOL).

I long ago learned I had to find the right amount of time that I could handle being with my mom and not exceed it. Sometimes it was only five minutes, sometimes an hour...sometimes once a week, sometimes cutting back to once every two weeks. It sounds like you've done the same. Be it once a week or once every three months, the point isn't the frequency, but rather not exceeding what we can handle in good emotional health. Your dad and my mom were/are toxic people that could bleed us dry emotionally...we had to learn not to let them.

Years ago my sister wanted me to read "A Boy named It"...I did. My mom wasn't that bad (as his mom), but I don't believe in the comparison method of "well it's not that bad, she could be worse". That is like devaluing what I went through! I can see there are others worse, although not many, but that doesn't make me feel better. That's like having a bad car accident and breaking every bone in your body but being told you should be thankful you don't have permanent injuries. For crying out loud, you just got hit by a freight train, you shouldn't have to feel good about it!

It's a little easier with my mom having Dementia, in some ways, she's forgotten a lot and isn't quite as bad to be around. (My mom is extremely paranoid but has many personality disorders besides.) She little resembles the tyrant she was when I was growing up. Now she's frail, weighing between 72 and 90 most of the time, shuffling along 1/2" at a time behind her walker, her mind going, going, gone. It is easier for me now to have pity on her and just see her as a frail little old lady whose life has been reduced to the most base it can get. The state got the proceeds from the sale of her house, my brother took what he wanted, donated some, discarded the rest. It's gone, all of it.

It's in letting go of how they treated us, who they were, the affect they can have on us, and not let them foist their negativity on us, that we can go on...break the chain, live happy/healthy lives.

And may God have mercy on them and grant them healthy minds/psyches/bodies in the next life. Perhaps then we can know them as they were meant to be.

[mfh]

Kay, you HAVE broken the chain. The gauntlet has NOT been passed. You have turned it all around. And I believe God can ONLY have mercy on them...it is his/her nature. I wish your brother would have at the very least asked if any of you wanted what he got rid of....it sounds like he has lessons to learn. I am so sorry you did not get that painting but like you said...your memories are yours. No one can take those.

Love

Mary

[pastmidnite]

keep breaking the chain

I had thought over the years about the gifts that my abusive dad helped me develop. The ability to deal with stress, talk to people, problem solve. I had to shift from what I didn't have and get to look at what I was able to become not only despite but also because of the difficulties I faced in my house.

[pastmidnite]

Don't get me wrong he didn't give them to me I learned them as so many survivors do. And of course I'm up and down and all over the place emotionally right now--and it doesn't help to say this is normal and to be expected, but it does...you know.
I appreciate this site very much and was just remembering that I joined 4 years ago when my grandpa passed away and my sister and I had to help get my dad to sign himself in for evaluation--what a horrible time that was and all of it happening at the same time. I'm thankful for the space to heal and the wisdom of those who have built this community.

[kayc]

keep breaking the chain

I had thought over the years about the gifts that my abusive dad helped me develop. The ability to deal with stress, talk to people, problem solve. I had to shift from what I didn't have and get to look at what I was able to become not only despite but also because of the difficulties I faced in my house.

So very true, and a wonderful way of looking at it! Some people have intimated that God purposes everything in our lives...I don't go for that. No way in the world do I think He's willed for parents to abuse their children, etc. BUT, I have learned that there are silver linings to clouds, and one of them is that when we go through rough places in our lives, we learn so much and it gives us a deeper quality than we'd have if everything had been easy/smooth, etc. There are things that I understand that I wouldn't begin to had I not gone through the hard things I have in my life. So for that I guess we can thank them for.

You and I both! (thankful for this place and those who make it possible)