Grief Before Death?

[PaulKersey]

Hello all, this is my first post on this lovely website, i guess a little about myself is in order.

Im 20 years old, lost my mom this february 23rd, 3 days before my dads birthday, 5 days before mine.
Im still living with my dad and as always its hard to get by, being poor and all.

I loved my mom with all my heart, and i think about her alot, but the pain has eased, now i can think about her and smile. but when it comes to my dad... he has been my best friend my whole life, and daily for the past couple weeks i can't help but feel an immense pain and extremely sad about when hes going go.

we both woke up to make my mom breakfast one morning when he found her, my parents haven't slept together for 20+ years because of my dads PTSD about vietnam.

anyways i cant help but find myself bawling and praying for god to help us, to let him live a long life, to keep him around, me still being so young, going to school and still relying on him i can't imagine my life without him.

I found this forum by browsing google about the subject of losing a parent or both parents at a young age, it kinda helps me by reading that others have gone through it and are still fighting it but that its not the end of life.

Up until recently i've always thought of suicide if it were to ever come down to me losing him, i try to keep positive but its been getting me real bad, today he went to the hospital for low potassium/sodium levels. and he already has a bad heart...

One thing that keeps coming up in my head is if i were established, had my own family, wife and kids, a job, my own home maybe it wouldn't be so hard.

but anyways, does anyone have anything they can say/do to help me get over this immense pain and thought of losing my best friend and dad?

[kayc]

Your mom's death has undoubtedly triggered your fear of losing your dad. Right now is a crucial age for you to still have that tie and you are recognizing it. Most of us do lose our parents before we die and we know at some point we'll have to face it...but when we're young we think it'll be a long way off yet. You, on the other hand, having already experienced the loss of your mom, it's made it come home to you all the more since you know it's a real possibility.

I would encourage your dad to take the best care possible of himself. Let him know he means the world to you and you aren't ready to lose him for a long, long time. Make sure he gets regular checkups and takes his medicine regularly. Let him know you want him to be around to see you get married and have children.

My dad had his first major heart attack when he was 45, I almost lost him then, I was still a kid at home. He went on to live another 17 years. He got to see me get married but wasn't around for the birth of his grandchildren. But my mom is 91 and still here. So it's hard to tell how long someone will live.

I think it helps to have some goals and plans for your life, so even though you aren't yet married and don't have kids, you can be in the early stages of reaching these goals. This is the age when you start thinking about and working towards your career, one of the early steps in beginning a family is in taking steps to afford and plan for it. Along the way, in attending college and working, you'll meet people...perhaps your future wife!

If you can spend one night a week with your dad, it will give him something to look forward to also and help him to do his best to continue living and being there for you and your future. It's sometimes really hard for someone to will to go on when they've lost their spouse, but having caring kids around now and then really, really helps.

If you continue having nagging worrisome thoughts, you might want to see a grief counselor that could help you understand and work through your fears and help you reach for a positive outlook for your tomorrow.

[PaulKersey]

Well i live with my dad and im scared to even leave him to go to a friends house or anything, i would love to see a counselor but i couldn't afford one, and i have no clue how to find one locally.

[kayc]

Sometimes counselors have a sliding scale. You could google it, look in yellow pages, check with hospital bereavement and even some churches have one on staff.

[MartyT]

Hi Paul ~ I must say, I think Kay is giving you some excellent advice, and I hope you're listening. ♥

As for finding a grief counselor in your community, I invite you to read this (including the Related Articles at the base of the post):

Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You