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Bf Ended Relationship After Murder Of His Nephew

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I had be dating a wonderful guy for the last 6 months. At the beginning of this month we got a call that his nephew was murdered protecting his friend that was a girl..he was only 19 years old. As soon as he called and told me I called my best friend and rushed to his side. I stayed with him all night and then went back the next day to make the 3 hour trip home for him. I had to take time off work and as my ex-husband to take the kids because I had an emergency I needed to attend to. My ex took the kids from Wednesday until Friday and then resumed his normal visitation.

We got him home and with his family and he seemed to be holding it together the time of planning the funeral. Fast forward to thursday afternoon, my mom calls me and says I need to come home because my EX has put out the calls looking for me. My EX is very possessive, and he was physically and emotionally abusive to me..he had his dad call my parents asking were I was..so my thought it was best I come home until the funeral that weekend. Knowing my EX has made threats against my BF and me and just comes off the hook with anything with me.

So I go back to my BF on Saturday to be with him for the viewing and Sunday the funeral. Everything seemed fine, I was literally by his side the entire time..Monday he sends me a text and says he needs time and space and for me not to take it personally.He just doesn't want to me around anyone right now..I can understand that..however he had started to drink pretty heavily. I receive a text message from him on Wednesday saying that he treid to drink until he passed out on Tuesday night..I contacted him mom because I was concerned in which she informed me he goes on these binges when times get too hard for him...but she wasnt' happy with him..so I keep my distance and Saturday I went to my beach house at which he sent me a text and said "stop posting things about me on facebook, stop asking my friends and family about me..All I asked for was some distance and time alone and you act like I committed a crime, I just need time and space and don't need anymore drama then I already have." I was so mad because I didn't post a thing about him on FB and I took everything of him and I on FB down, so I responded "Screw you, don't come at me accusing me of stuff I didn't do..Yes I asked your friends if you are doing ok because that's what you do when you care about someone and you broke up with me! I didn't hear anything from him until Monday morning at 7:15 am.. he told me he had packed my stuff up at his apartment and for me to come get it..I went when he was at work and left his house key on his dresser. His apartment was a mess, and he is a total neat freak. It looked like he was basically living in his room, but there was a bottle of rum and huge wine glass on his dresser.

I get home and there is a letter in my bag from him..Basically said, I was the one that ended the relationship and he never wanted it to end like this..He just asked for some time to deal with everything..He said I was fresh out of a bad marriage but he knew I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with...his wife passed away 5 years ago, he's 41 and I'm 35 and he hasn't dated anyone since the death of his wife...he goes on to explain that the reason he needed time was because his nephew was murdered protecting his friend that my EX has made the threats he would kill me and my BF and he said he could not take that chance since he had kids and grandkids to think about..he did give up a job to be closer to home to be with me and my kids...but I knew we would end up back in his hometown eventually and I was wiling to do that... he tells me in the letter that he does truly love me and if I ever need to talk he's there for me..and that he wishes me the best and hopes I find what makes me happy...to me this a dump letter.

I don't know what to do...do I be supportive and wait for him to greive because this was such a shock...I'm hurt,my kids are hurt.. They are 10 and 8 and I lied to them and said he went to Korea for work, which he is going. I just don't know what to do...I am hoping and praying that he comes around..But I did talk to his BIL and he told me that my BF has a history of pushing away the people he cares about...I'm not the only one he has cut contact with, he's not talking to him mom or his kids...He just tells everyone he's fine...Can anyone PLEASE give me guidance on what to do...I literally feel like my heart is ripped out and just don't know what to do...Thank you for your time and responses...

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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Your BF's grief is making his emotions/responses all over the place right now. They may be like that for some time and he may never be himself again. Grief can make someone focus totally on themselves, and they seem self-centered...they can't help but be. It takes everything within them to process it. Unfortunately, you're getting the fall-out.

It's good to not respond when he lashes out. It doesn't help to point things out to him, because he can't see rationale right now. He is literally out of his mind with grief. Not lock down out of his mind, but not cognizant either.

I wouldn't lie to your kids but neither do they need to know more than is appropriate for them to. I would tell them that someone close to him died and he is taking the time and space to deal with that. Period. If they ask when they are going to see him again, tell them you don't know. While he may be going to Korea, that will have an end and your kids will realize it so just to put it off on that is not an answer...they will start asking when he's coming back. So I would not put it just on that.

Give yourself a couple of days to compose yourself, let the air cool down, and write him a brief response. Tell him how special he's been to you, how much you care for him, and that you are sending the best positive thoughts (or prayers) his way for him to be able to get through this difficult time. I wouldn't discuss relationship issues at all at this time, it's not the best setting or time for it. You might want to let him know that you'd considered his outburst about FB, unfounded as it was, a breakup, and you're sorry you responded to that in your hurt, but that you're giving him the space he wants.

The less said the better. He wouldn't be able to deal with anything lengthy right now and it'd just be more chance for him to misread into it.

Right now focus on you and your kids, and get a restraining order against your ex if you haven't already! Even idle threats should be taken seriously and you have a right to live your life w/o fear or having to consider his reactions!

Please feel free to come here to voice yourself, you will undoubtedly have a lot of emotions to deal with in the upcoming days/months. I'm so sorry!

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