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1 Year Anniversary Is Approaching & I Have Some Questions On Behav


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As it gets closer to the 1 yr mark for Dads death I find myself really thinking hard about "if only I had known what I know now of what will happen in October at this time last year"... I would force Dad to get to a dr to be really checked out, I'd be up there constantly watching them both, I'd be forcing Mom to go to the Dr & get the diagnosis of her dementa & start making plans. Most of all I'd sit both of them down & ask SO MANY QUESTIONS & make sure I recorded them. I found out even more about Dad AFTER his death that I had no clue about when he was alive. Being the youngest of the family everyone sheltered me from things & perhaps unintentionally unincluded me in things. I want to go back & talk to him one more time.

Normal? I really didn't think it would affect me this hard so early-I knew that week would be hell but not this soon.

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None of us get warnings, life just unfolds as we later look back and see. My mom has dementia and it's too late for me to ask questions now...I guess we never thought it would come when it did.

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KayC: does your Mom still have her long term memory? Does she talk about past events? My Mom's short term is so bad but she's wonderful about telling things about her & Dad dating [he was kind of a major player/party boy back then] & the early years of their marriage.

Today my daughter got her engagement photos & she asked me as she was showing them to me "What do you think Grandpa would think?" and all I could do is tear up & tell her "he'd think you're the most beautiful engaged girl he's ever seen".

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I'm so glad for you, and hope your daughter has a beautiful wedding, that was a lovely response.

My mom's memory is very strange. She doesn't remember five minutes ago, and seems to have no sense of time correlation. She remembers some things from when she was a kid. But she didn't remember my dad died 31+ years ago, thought her mother was still alive (it has been many years ago since her parents passed), doesn't remember my husband that passed away at all, even though he was her favorite person in the world. Last time I was there she didn't recognize me until I spoke to her, and I know that even that will go.

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LisaAnnB, I understand the thoughts about the first year of your dad'd departure. It can never be anything but a sad time.

I just went through the second anniversary of my dad'd death this last Sunday. I find myself not wanting to dwell on his death but thinking about his life. I spent the day with my sister who has it harder than I because on that day was my wedding anniversary so I kind of focus on that event. We had a toast to him and just kind of held on to each other. Never an easy time.

I hope you can find some peace through this time and please remember, you can never know what you should have done about anything in the past. It would not serve you well nor make him feel good that you worry about it. Bad things just happen and they will no matter what we might have done differently.

I think your dad will always be looking down on you and your daughters wedding too.

Stephen

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Stephen: remembering Dad & all those happy memories has gotten me through this year. Actually the best thing was that I inherited ALL the old photos of family [some from early 1900s or before], their travels, Mom & Dad when they were younger & I see photos of Dad when he was young & I just grin because wow, Dad was a hottie back then-very Cary Grant meets James Dean-esque & I also got some of Mom's love letters to him & reading them makes me laugh-he was quite the player back then. I just rub his face in those photos like I need to etch it into my brain even more.

This week have been struggling with dreams every night of he & I having conversations & then we get interrupted & I wake up & I'm almost angry at it.

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That is so very nice! Photos can be so wonderfull if sometimes sad. I do it myself every once and again. I remember when I was in college at ASU and was in photography. One night I was watching the news and saw my dad's building on a four alarm fire. I rushed to the scene where I found my mom and dad trying to save some personal things in the office where the fire hoses had drenched all of the family photos. I grabbed them and hurried to the photo lab and rinsed and dried them all. It took the whole night and into the next day but I saved them. I am so glad to have them today. I also love to look at the photos of Kathy's parents who both joined her within the last year and a half.

By the way, dreams often have unfinished endings. I think it might be because we don't really want them to end. I know you feel upset about that but hopefully you will be able to talk further in the next dream. I was once told that our loved ones are closest to us when we are asleep. I personally believe it.

Oh and exciting news for me, I found my lost password and have my old identity back (katpilot). One thing about grief, is that you get a little scatter brained and forget where you put things a lot. I really must try to be more organized.

Stephen

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Stephen,

I'd wondered why you'd changed your identity, but didn't realized you'd changed your account, glad you found it!

It must have been tremendously hard for your parents to lose their belongings like that. I'm glad you were able to save the photos.

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One thing I will always remember about my dad was how he took everything in stride. When bad things happened, he just picked himself up and worked through the situation at hand. He would never dwell on the past or wished things were as they were before. I don't what made him like that. No one in his family was like him. My parents didn't lose many personal effects and the photos were saved. The fire took it's toll on his business though but he pushed on. I want to tell you all something about what a dad is. When I was watching the fire on the news, what attracted me to the story was that it showed the sign on the front of his building. I had painted the sign for him just a few months before. I worked upside down from the roof of the building and what I noticed that I didn't even recognize when I did it, was that I misspelled his name. He never said a word to me about it. He just let it be because his son painted it. I will never forget that. That is what a loving father does.

When we have photographs to look at, they become so incredibly important to us when those people have left. I think they are the single most important thing we have for memories. I am so glad to have them and Kathy's early life as well.

Stephen

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