Dreams

[mfh]

I must share this dream...I find it reassuring and peaceful and you may benefit from it in some way.

Sept. 25-26 Last night

I was in a crowd somewhere with Mary Ellen*. She was telling me she could help me with some project and shortly we were both ascending, through the sky, light snow, stars and then my senses left me but I could still feel the joy, calm, peace and astonishing astounding splendor of what must have been heaven. I was speechless but fully aware of how spectacular it was. I lack the words/vocabulary to share what I experienced. My senses (touch, sight, hearing, tasting disappeared) but I was fully aware (and still am) of something beyond words. Suddenly we were back on earth in another crowd. One person asked if I was the person who ascended yesterday and with that Mary Ellen, still with me, said let's go and up we went again for the very same experience. Then back to earth elsewhere. The third time I was with her outside somewhere and I was trying to convince myself and some other person who was there that it was indeed real and suddenly Mary Ellen lifted off and was gone and I woke up.

*Mary Ellen and I were in the convent together. She was an extremely talented pianist/organist (the first organ student at Juilliard who was ever asked to do an organ recital. We shared an apartment for a while after convent to save money before getting our own apartments a couple of years later. She was a music professor at a local university and I an elementary school teacher doing my M.A. and eventually Psy.D. She died July 4, 2001 (her independence day from Miotonic Muscular Dystrophy which first crippled her hands making piano playing impossible. She left me her Baldwin baby grand when she died.) The dream makes me wonder if she was here and trying to show me where Bill is. I felt as if I experienced some of the afterlife. I still feel it and if I close my eyes I can feel the ascent and an incredible __________(no word for it) heaven.

I woke feeling the breathtaking peace and beauty (not eye beauty...different...no words).

[MartyT]

♥

[HAP]

Very nice, Mary. Be well.

H.

[feralfae]

Mary, as with so many here, you walk in beauty, and that means a lot more than what we can see with the eyes, as I am sure you know.

So, it just makes sense to me that you would "fly" in beauty as well.

I love that you had that dream after spending some time visiting with Bill and letting your shared love flow through your heart as you looked at pictures and poems. What a truly wonderful blessing to have been gifted with such a wonderful dream.

And of course, Mary Ellen did already ascend, so she has shown the way. I love your dream.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

What a beautiful dream, Mary!

[enna]

So very nice. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." You see beauty because you are beauty, dear Mary. Thank you.

[mfh]

Anne, thank you.

[mfh]

Mary, as with so many here, you walk in beauty, and that means a lot more than what we can see with the eyes, as I am sure you know.

So, it just makes sense to me that you would "fly" in beauty as well.

I love that you had that dream after spending some time visiting with Bill and letting your shared love flow through your heart as you looked at pictures and poems. What a truly wonderful blessing to have been gifted with such a wonderful dream.

And of course, Mary Ellen did already ascend, so she has shown the way. I love your dream.

*<twinkles>*

fae

I love the dream. I truly can still feel myself ascending and passing through layers of clouds, snow, starts, to something I can not describe. It was a whole being experience. Like I left my body. Mary Ellen taught me piano lessons and said I had a natural talent (which I do). My mom could play by ear...anything. But I did not have room for a baby grand nor patience to learn so when my neighbor (a good friend) learned of the piano, she ran to a file and pulled out an ancient piece of piano music that she had saved since she was 6 because she always wanted a Baldwin ebony baby grand and this was built before plastic was used. She can sit down and play anything. I sold it to her and she is now teaching her 3 granddaughters how to play. Better than sitting in my living room in need of dusting and I KNOW Mary Ellen would be delighted. That was a huge loss for me, her death. I went all through the 8 years of convent with her, the adjustment to life outside the walls...and she walked through my "soon after convent dating days with me" and I with her. Sort of a delayed college roommate kind of thing. I miss her and others.

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary,

I can feel you drifting up, through clouds and snow, openness and breeze, peaceful and joyful. That is totally lovely, and thank you for sharing the beauty of your dream.

Your Mary Ellen sounds like my Nain.

Nain has been my best friend since college, and her son is one of my G*dsons. Nain has had two rounds of breast cancer, two surgeries, and chemo. We are telepathic with each other over long distances, and if I need to talk with her, she often calls just as I am about to pick up the phone to call her, asking , "Yes?." I also have that with SSK. Not with many people, though.

I am sorry for your loss of Mary Ellen. She was family in the pure and beautiful sense of the concept. I am so glad you can smile about the piano, and I hope you get to hear little concerts occasionally.

What a beautiful story.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Mary, I was going to ask if you still had it...that is so like you, to find just the right home for it where it will be used and enjoyed! We had a grand piano in my old church, it sounded beautiful, bought it in 79.

I bet your Mary Ellen will play for you when we get there!

[mfh]

It will be a great gathering, Kay, and after my dream last night, I have a better sense of that.

I know Mary Ellen is glad it is being played. And I have access to it anytime I want. I remember sitting at that piano playing "To a Wild Rose"...which I learned easily including petals...I wish I had continued...as it comes so easily.

Cello (my favorite instrument):

Piano:

[feralfae]

Ahem,

Mary?

Is there any reason you could not have a smaller piano in your home now, so you could enjoy playing? It really does sound as though it is one of those "natural" things for you, is why I ask.

Why not?

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, thanks for asking. I gave it a lot of thought before I sold the grand. I knew if i really wanted to learn, I would make room for it. I also made the decision just as Bill was really getting really bad so I know my fatigue colored the decision. I had left the piano in Chicago at my brother's monastery and moved it up here when the monastery was put on the market. I just did not care about it enough. I could see myself losing Bill and knew i would never put the time into practicing, learning. He played by ear (almost any instrument) and had conducted choirs (he was a man of many talents) and we had an old (1878) pump organ at the time that was in our 1878 B&B...he loved that organ, was its second owner, and I was able to sell the grand for a nice piece of change and we could use the money as we had just lost the bulk of our retirement funds in the market and investments. So bottom line: I sold it and I do not regret it. I now feel like I want to learn watercolor and then sculpting. I sculpted my way through my therapy process in the 70s and found it very healing. I feel I can't do it all so I am choosing the art form that feels most relaxing and fulfilling and I am starting to listen to classical music again now and then....always with tears so far. Bill and I loved it. We had season tickets to the CSO (Chicago Symphony), Denver when we lived in CO and Madison and it was our shared passion. There are very few pieces that I have not shared with Bill so it has been difficult to resurrect it. It was Mahler who, in a sense, brought us together. We would lie on the floor with our heads on pillows between the speakers. It moved us so. We would sometimes just cry or feel peaceful as the music filled the room. I may have shared this before but we learned well after we were married that for at least ten years BEFORE we met, he and his former wife sat 4 rows in front of me at the CSO, both of us having tickets to the same series. The last year I was in the convent, he was six blocks away doing his PhD. There are other things like that. He was a key figure in over half my life. And music was a thread. So I paint and someday sculpt. I also want to write a book that will REALLY help grieving people but not sure which strand of grief to follow yet. I would give it away if it will help. But selling it would be ok also. In the meantime I think I will finish certification in thanatology. I have completed all the requirements except the test and will probably take that in Nov., 14...it is only administered in Nov. This year is/has been too busy. I also plan to start a grief support group in late January and return to a small practice in my home office...working with women. I have a couple of clients now...people I saw years ago who sought me out. The practice will be very small. I have always said, for years, that I will be doing therapy until I am 85...because by then I should have enough wisdom So you see plans are extensive and I will only take on these plans when and if it feels right. I have learned. I need to have meaning and purpose beyond lunches with friends, reading, painting, etc. I need to give back and I want that to be focused primarily on bereavement and end of life issues. I got certified in Soul Collage last fall and I may incorporate that into my practice when it is appropriate. It is a very useful tool with grief. That all sounds like a lot...but I have and will pace myself and do ONLY what is of passion.

Long answer to your question. Sorry about that. I get carried away.

Peace,

Mary

[dave s]

Nice!!

[Queeniemary]

Lovely dream Mary, and perhaps not a dream at all. But a visit by an old friend.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Oh, Mary, it is so good to hear your wonderful plans for yourself. I can see that you are moving more into the painted art forms, and away from producing music, but rather listening to it.

Doug and I used to do the same: lie on the floor, heads together, holding hands, listening to music. How wonderful are those memories.

I am excited about your practice and plans to write a book. You have so very much to offer, and I see you have a plan in the making for how to spend the next 30 years or so. David and I had series tickets for CSO, one of our treasured pleasures. My former sister-in-law debuted at 13 with the National SO in D. C., playing, as we called it, Rocky's Second. She simply lives in her music and still gives concerts 60 years later. I once attempted a flute/piano duet with her, and realized my musical talents were the kind best practiced when alone.

We have so much talent here. I am so blessed to have found this Tribe.

The car will be done by 3 PM, and then I am going to go buy the window film to begin winterizing the house. We always put up the clear film the week of the first frost here. In Fairbanks, we would have all the windows done by about September 15, when it begins to get really cold up there.

Thank you for taking the time to share about your life. I can understand how the piano would have been entirely secondary to your care of Bill. I am glad you have your painting now, and am looking forward to seeing what these new eyes will be seeing and painting as they heal. I think you have some solid and lovely plans for the future, and as usual, you lead by example.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

Just lost all I typed. I hate it when I do that. I know what I do wrong and it is related to getting in a hurry. I will ponder and see if I can recap the contents and be back.

Mary

[kayc]

Maybe someday I'll learn to play the piano, I wanted to when I was a child and my mom said no, I gave up then, but maybe...

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

Go for it! One thing I am learning through all of this is that this is the time to do those things we have wanted to do, but have not yet done. Now is the time.

Now, you can say "yes" to you, dear one.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[melina]

I wonder if anyone else here has had dreams of their spouses or other loves ones who have passed. I've had quite a few - but they seem to have changed over time. I've also had long periods without dreaming of him at all.

Just after my husband died, when my grief was new, I had disjointed dreams - little segments of dreams - where he seemed to be right there with me. I even felt him holding me and woke up with the same feeling. In all my dreams he was a young man, sometimes smiling or laughing.

Later I just sensed him being nearby in my dreams - sort of off in the corner, just standing around. Or he would appear right by me and the kids - and I'd be surprised. I would ask him where he'd been all this time and if his doctors knew he was still alive. It was a feeling of enormous relief and happiness, but so much disappointment when I woke up.

Now if I dream of him at all - it's more about me doing things, while fully aware that he's dead - I know I'm a widow - and it usually feels exhausting, even in my dreams. I suppose that's a sign of acceptance in some way.

Last night though I had a strange dream where I was walking through a town and suddenly saw my husband standing in the distance. He was young, and wearing the same jacket he always wore when we went for hikes in the woods with the dogs. I hurried over to him and he turned to leave. I asked him to please not leave, but to talk with me just for a few minutes. I asked him what heaven was like, if he could eat there, and who he met. He answered, almost unwillingly, and looked like he wanted to go. I asked him then if we would see each other again - and he nodded, also somewhat unwillingly, and then left before I could stop him.

I woke up feeling disturbed by this dream. I don't know what it means.

Melina

[mfh]

Dear Melina, I understand how disturbing these dreams can be as we grieve. We wake up and it feels disturbing or at best bittersweet i.e. feeling like we were with them and waking to find we were dreaming.

I have found as I worked with clients and dreams over the years that interpreting dreams is a very unique process. When you waken, try to keep your eyes closed so that your brain does not get busy with the environment. When our eyes are open we use more of our brain than when our eyes are closed. Then attempt to get in touch with the emotions you feel about the dream and each person or event in it. That might lead you to a better understanding of the symbolism of the dream. Of course, many dreams are pretty obvious in their meaning. I think from my own experience that dreams of Bill leaving reflect my missing him and losing him. But as I said, each dream is so unique to the person. Try to review it with your eyes closed and then write it out so you can ponder it.

[melina]

Mary,

I'm not so much disturbed by the dreams as I am trying to figure out what I'm telling myself. I've been talking to my husband a lot lately - asking him for help with our kids, especially the oldest who is going to be a father soon, but has a poorly paid job and is feeling a little panicky. I suppose all that worrying, praying and begging I've been doing must be coming through in my dreams. I don't see much help arriving from my husband - or anyone else, but then I guess I can't really expect it either.

I'm not sure it's entirely accurate that we use more of our brain with our eyes open rather than closed. It's true we stimulate the visual cortex with our eyes open, and possibly also other areas of the cortex related to visual experiences, but actually there is a lot going on with our eyes closed as well, even areas that aren't stimulated to the same extent as when we're using vision.

Just my neuropsychologist interfering here.

[mfh]

I so agree with you, Melina, all the worrying and praying is probably showing up in your dreams. Sometimes I think it is not really clear to us what kind of help we get from our beloveds. I get ideas, thoughts, feelings that are helpful but I do not know if they are from Bill or not.

What i meant about opening our eyes is that our attention becomes focused elsewhere (to all that surrounds us) distracting us from the dream. Keeping our eyes closed helps us concentrate on the content of the dream and the accompanying feelings. As for the amount of brain being used with our eyes open vs shut, I have read (reliable sources) that it increases but what I was "focused on" (excuse the pun) was that when we open our eyes, we become involved with what is around us including thoughts of the day and getting up and that makes it more challenging to remember our dreams as we become distracted by other stimuli. You are the expert here on the brain, not me, but from my own experience I find that once I open my eyes, the dream becomes more difficult to recall or feel.

I am sure you worry about your sons....and seeing them struggle on occasion without your husband's help has to be so very difficult.

I too ask Bill (and my mom and others) for help a lot but it is not clear to me most of the time whether I get what I need or if I myself have created the solutions and strength. How I long to understand after life. It is so good to see you here often.

[kayc]

I've had more dreams with George in them this year for some reason...the first eight years I hardly dreamed of him at all and that bothered me. I don't know why he didn't come to me in dreams more. But I'm glad he does now and then lately. My first dream that I had was maybe a couple of years after he died and in it I remember demanding to know where he'd been, and I seemed mad at him for having been gone. Dreams are weird, some seem nonsensical while others seem to capture the underlying feelings that we have.

[melina]

Mary,

I didn't mean to sound snarky and arrogant with the brain thing here. I wouldn't say I'm an expert, and I agree, it's easier to concentrate without visual images to distract me.

Kay,

I've also had dreams where I've asked my husband where he was and what he's been doing. The most disturbing dreams have been the ones where I've dreamt my husband had left me for someone else. He would show up and I'd cry and be angry and ask him how he could just leave us like that. I guess those dreams are fairly self-explanatory - I just feel abandoned by his death.