mfh Posted October 2, 2013 Report Share Posted October 2, 2013 Dear Jan, I hope the granddaughters bring a lot of loving joy into the house, and I hope you can get out for a spa day or something nice. SSK and I are already planning to have a night of a movie, pedicure, and drinking fresh fruit juices, and maybe having chips and hummus, but more definitely having some "girl time" of just pampering ourselves while she is here. She has three appointments with the spine specialist here whom I had for my spine rehab, and so she will also need some self-pampering. I have my PT evaluation this morning. I can stand on one foot and pick up a pencil with the other foot (toes) and bring the pencil up to my hand, then slowly lower my foot, balancing all the while. I now get to move to the next level of PT. I am excited. Dear fae and Jan, My email was down for about 40 minutes this morning and the mail from the morning is dribbling in. I just got a notice of this post, e.g. Jan, I am glad your family is coming as I said in an email...I think it was an email...it will switch out the energy and distract you at the very least. I admire your courage in stepping up and sharing your story. You will never know who you have helped. fae, I am glad you are taking a spa day...I sense you have been pretty busy again...I know you work and it is good to see you taking these kinds of breaks. I might go in for a spa day later in the month. I have a retreat next weekend...a spa for the soul...with Jon Kabat-Zinn...does it get any better? Peace Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Good for you, Mary! I signed up for a ladies retreat with my church for the end of this month, am driving over there with a couple of good friends (to the coast). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Kay, I am so glad you will drive to the coast with friends for a retreat. Awesome. What do you do with Arlie and kitties when you are gone for a couple or days or more. Do you use a kennel...or a neighbor? I use a kennel but hate it...for this retreat on the 11-12, I will drive home at night and a friend will let Bentley out in the daytime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 My son used to watch him for me but he isn't around any more and it'd be a four hour drive to take him there & back, and another four hour drive to get him, so my neighbor is going to take him for two days. He has two dogs and a fenced yard and spoils them like I do Arlie, Arlie just adores him. We used to have a kennel here but no longer do, Arlie has never been in one. I don't like them because they get fleas and don't have their usual routine and attention. Although when Lucky was alive, they'd give her special treatment and let her sleep with them, etc. but none of the other dogs got to. They even wanted to adopt her if I ever needed a home for her, but of course, I've never gotten rid of any of my dogs or cats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 i have 2 male friends that i have platonic relationships with. one is howie -- my massage therapist who became my best friend when john got ill. he takes care of so many things for me -- even fixes things around the house. he's married to a lovely woman. sometimes the 3 of us have dinner together but most times it's just howie and me. his wife is a nurse and is on call a lot. we actually had dinner together last night. the other one is my friend michael who lives in NYC. we've been friends since '84. i'm 72. he's 55. we talk on the phone every week -- usually at least an hour -- but most times longer. when john was alive he used to laugh at how long michael and i talked. he came out to visit in april. we watched tv in my bed. that's where i have my DVR and big screen tv. most times my cat monkey was with us. i've never thought about him in a sexual way and i doubt that he's thought about me that way. i don't know how i would have gotten through john's death without the support of these 2 men. BTW. when michael came to visit we had dinner with howie. he thanked howie for taking care of me. arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 3, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Well maybe a platonic relationship is possible. And maybe the clock can be put back. But I'm very wary now. Our lovely daughter and grand daughters are here. It's so good to see them even though they took hours to get off to sleep tonight Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 So glad the kids are there....enjoy them and relax. You will know when and if you are ready for a relationship with J again. Have fun this weekend. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 right now i think it's more important that you take care of your health. enjoy your daughter and granddaughters. hopefully the relationship can be platonic, but some men can't accept that -- sex is very important to them. arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Arlene, I'm glad you have those friendships. A friend of mine has a good male friend 17 years younger than her, he does everything for her! He took care of her when she had her stroke, took her for her treatments in Portland five days/wk, eight weeks in a row (it's about 3 1/2 hours from here), gave her a truck to put as a down payment on her car when her Explorer's transmission went out, I mean he's really been there for her! Like a son. His own mom wasn't much of a one and she's been gone many years now, so I think he just enjoys having a family. They've gone on vacation together and everything! Jan, I hope you enjoy the kids being here! My son has to finish his transmission this weekend so I'll undoubtedly have his pup while he's working on it and fix him a good dinner for whatever late hour he can take a break and eat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 3, 2013 Report Share Posted October 3, 2013 Kay-C. when i met michael i was estranged from my son for over 3 years. he's from a dysfunctional family and i think in many ways i took the place of his mother and he took the place of my son who was a criminal. he told me a few years ago that i saved his life. he had been considering suicide before we met. we were both interested in spiritiuality and i guided him as far as work. he said the most important thing i did was to just listen to him. i've been considering suicide for quite a few years -- even before john got sick. it was because of my health problems. if it wasn't for michael and howie i probably would have done it after john passed. i'm not sure what i would have done with my cat monkey. monkey is spoiled and unadoptable. my will reads that if anything happens to me monkey is to be euthanized immediately. i have a vet who comes to the house. i don't want him to ever be put in a cage. actually until recently i've been saying that once monkey is gone i'm going to will myself to die. don't know if it's possible to do that. i think my mom did. for years she kept saying she wanted to die. she was in good health except for dementia but her heart was broken by my sister. the first few months after john died i made a point of cleaning things up -- getting rid of old paperwork, etc. i don't want howie and my granddaughter having to clean up a mess after i'm gone. john was a pack rat. howie took care of john's things. i don't want him to have to do it again with me. my granddaughter is executor of my will and howie is the 2nd. since my granddaughter lives in florida with 2 kids and owns a dance studio and i'm in phoenix it will be howie who does most of the work. i don't know what's going to happen. i know suicide is wrong, but life is so hard. my therapist knows how i feel. i don't know if i've said it here, but back in new york there was an elderly couple who lived in our building. they used to walk together holding hands. then she died. her husband said to me in his yiddish accent. "if you dunt gut your health, you gut nothin". he was so right. nuff said. arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Arlene, For what it's worth, I understand you feeling of suicide. Whether it is right or wrong really has no bearing on the issue. No one I ever knew did that without being in so much pain that they could tolerate life any longer. I want you to think about this if you will. There may be a very important reason that you are here and John has left. You just can't see what it is right now but in my heart of hearts, I know things happen for a reason. I feel the purpose of my life is yet to show itself to me but I do know that death will come soon enough as it is. Death is eternal. You'll get there. I hope you can spend time looking for the reason too stay alive. I hope you can find comfort from your friends here and those you have yet to meet. Yes life is hard, but it doesn't stay hard. Happy time come too. Time is your friend, not your enemy. You are young enough to cause some changes in this world and I for one would love to see you do that. Don't forget that you are still a grieving person. It eases a bit as time goes by. My first few months brought my desire for death out to play. Like your cat Monkey, I found my children and grandchildren reason to stick it out. Stephen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Arlene, I understand how you are feeling. I don't know what I'd do without my Arlie. My son promised he'd take care of him if anything happened to me...the most important thing to me is for Arlie to be loved the way he deserves. Is there no one who would take monkey so he wouldn't have to be caged or killed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 monkey is my cat -- always has been. he tolerated john., but sometimes swatted him he tolerates howie, but he's swatted him too. he jumps up on countertops and the kitchen table. my fault -- i've never corrected him. the other day he pulled a piece of turkey off my sandwich before i finished making it. this is not the first time. when he was young i turned my back for a minute and he dragged a hamburger off my plate onto the floor. he's almost 13 and has kidney disease. he has to be fed a special diet which is expensive. the only time i can enjoy a meal is if i eat out. whenever i eat he's there trying to grab food from me. my fault -- from the time i got him at 12 weeks i fed him little things from my spoon, i.e., ice cream, rice pudding. i've had other cats and they were spoiled too, but not as aggressive as monkey. the first time the vet came to the house he was like a wild animal. finally i held him and the vet assistant put a pillow case over him -- brought him into the bathroom where they wrap him in a towel so the vet can try to examine him and draw blood. the vet said "i'm safer outside with the coyotes than i am with monkey". even if there was someone who would tolerate monkey i don't think he's want to be with anyone but me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Kitty was that way when I got her from John, but as soon as the spoiling stopped, she turned into a wonderful cat. I really enjoy her. She used to steal bacon off John's plate, and walk on the counter. I never allowed that. And she dictated to him what she'd eat. I gave her a choice...eat...or don't eat. She chose to eat. Funny, she is so loving to me and I am very close to her, she follows me around the house like a dog, and sits on the arm of my chair. I promised her this is her forever home (with me) and try to give her a good old age. No more struggles or succession of owners. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 all of our cats were spoiled. the best cat we ever had was a russian blue we adopted when he was about 4. he was very timid. i think he had been mistreated by previous owners. he spent 8 great years with us until he died of cancer. he never went after our food and when he wanted to eat he would just sit near his bowel and look at us with those big beautiful gold eyes. he was more john's cat, but at least 2 nights a week he would sleep with me so i wouldn't feel bad. john and i had separate bedrooms. he had sleep apnea and slept with a c-pap mask. monkey never slept with him. we had a little s*** tzu and she was spoiled too. wouldn't eat dog food. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 4, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Good morning from England. Everyone is still asleep and it's 7.30. I'm trying to psyche myself up for a busy day. I confided in our daughter about my situation with my friend and she was tremendously understanding so I'm glad I did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Good morning from Wisconsin, Jan. I know it is afternoon there and hope your visit is going well. Sounds like confiding in Raine was a good move. Peace and love, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 Dear Jan, Good morning from Montana, Jan. (Good morning to you Mary, over there in Wisconsin. ) I am glad you were able to share with Raine. It is always easier, I think, to carry an emotional burden if at least one other person knows you are carrying it and understands. I hope the granddaughters are distracting you and helping you to find the joy in life again. Also, I hope the little retreat booklet is helpful for centering and being in your own space and place, and that from all that you have going on that you can find some peace today and this weekend. Blessings, dear one and *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 4, 2013 Report Share Posted October 4, 2013 I agree, I am glad you were able to talk with your daughter, Jan! It does help to have someone that understands and cares. I hope your time with her and your grandchildren takes you away from the unpleasantness you've recently been through. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 Jan, I also am so glad you shared with your daughter, and I am glad their visit is good. Arlene, we all do understand your feelings, probably for the first few months, while I did not contemplate suicide, I was wishing that I would just go ahead and die. I no longer feel exactly that way, although I do look forward to being with Mike again. It has been 3 years and almost 8 months since Mike left, and I still miss him so very much, but Steven is right, time is your friend, not your enemy. We cope, we adjust, we go on. Wow, we are just all over, Arizona, England, Montana, Wisconsin....I love that we share from so many different places. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted October 7, 2013 Author Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 Well they have left. This was a sad leaving as it's the first time I've not driven them back and Ellie hadn't realised I wasn't going with them so she sobbed for the first part of the journey. I am blessed I know. Now back to normal life. Not good life as it used to be, but what has to be lived to the best I can. I haven't had time to convalesce from the illness as Rainie and the girls came. I am so very very tired so I intend to take things quietly. I want to take time to think about my beloved Pete. I want to try to think about him with happiness and not sadness but I haven't reached that yet. In any case I think that Kay and Mary have taught us that sadness and happiness will always be combined. I've not been able to meditate whilst they have been here and I want to get back into that. I've just bought Blessings by John o'Donoghue. I think it's called something different in the States. It's beautiful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 Jan, I know how you feel. My son has been here off and on, working on his transmission lately. While we didn't have quality time but one evening, still, it's always good to see him. Sat. night he had his truck back together and left, and it feels sad. You are right, I think sadness and happiness can coexist. We feel our grief and lonliness on one level while still experiencing joy and happiness on another level. My happiness is usually an extremely short spurt, but at that moment, it feels good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 Yes, Jan, the house gets pretty quiet and empty after family/guests leave. I usually have something planned to serve as a bridge at those times. Lunch with someone or someone in for dinner or whatever...to form a bridge to the silent house again. It does help. I have done that many times since Bill died when someone was here and then left. You might consider something like having Sandra over for a glass of wine later. It does help. I know the silence descending is tough. Peace and so glad the visit went so well. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 Oh, Mary, that is a brilliant idea. To have someone come over to help ease the transition back to empty house. I am sitting up, feeling a little bit better, read a bit of The Mind of the Maker by Sayers, and learn so much as well as contemplate so much reading her thinking. But, if I am still coughing this much by tomorrow, I will most definitely call my doc -- you and Kay have put the fear of pneumonia in me, for sure. I read up on it, and I could have pneumonia. All my years of silk screens, oils, clay and other irritants to my lungs have not helped in any way or from. But I am going back to resting soon. Keep healing and using those drops. fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted October 7, 2013 Report Share Posted October 7, 2013 i get lonely, but i like being alone. i miss john but we gave each other our "space". we had separate bedrooms for years because of his sleep apnea. the house has 4 bedrooms, an office and 3 baths. my bedroom and the office are on one side of the house -- the others are on the other side. sometimes on the weekends i didn't see john for hours. he liked to sit in the guest room in the recliner with his laptop and tv on tuned to his programs. john was an early riser. he was up at 4:30 am while i rarely got up before 10. as the years went by and my illness got worse sometimes i slept much later. now there are days when i don't get up until noon or later. when michael was here he understood the situation and went out in the mornings -- didn't come back till 1 pm when he knew i'd be up and awake. it takes me a long time to fully wake up. i said monkey was unadoptable -- so am i. even after i wake up i make my tea and whatever i'm going to eat and bring it back into my bedroom which is kept dark. i have a "roll a shield". i stay in there and watch tv for at least another 1-1/2 hours or more. now that john's gone -- sometimes all day. there are days when i don't get into the shower till 4 pm. before i got sick i enjoyed having company. my friends from new york used to come out every year and stay for a few weeks. i'd get up and they'd already be outside by the pool with their coffee. with the roll a shield down i never even heard them. i'd cook one or 2 nights and then they did the cooking. one was a gourmet cook. my mom when she lived in SC came out 2x a year for a week or 2 and i loved having her here. she was a late sleeper too -- even later than me. arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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