The Girl I Was Dating Dumped Me

[arbitrator]

By the way, I don't intend to do the 1-hour grieving thing with pictures every day, maybe once in a while if at all. I'd rather spend the time searching for someone new.

[kayc]

Thumbs up!

[Pollara]

I hope you find her.

Look I have seen a lot of girls-women like her. Either it is her disorder as you might think or it is that women in general crave for attention.

In any case the vast majority have a guy taken for granted and do whatever they want with their lives. When things go bad, they turn back to him. None of them ended up in a real relationship.

I don't know how to tell you, but I believe that this girl is nor right for you. She might be a really nice person etc, no doubt about it since I don't know her personally, but I don't believe she respects you. She is taking advantage of you with or without her grief. Why wouldn't you go for a girl that she respect you and see you romantically as well?

Also, no matter how many voicemails etc you hear, if you don't take an examination of the person himself you cannot tell what disorder he or she might have. there is a high possibility that it has what you and your doctor think but it might not. In order to decide what someone has the person itself needed and no matter how well you think you convey her thoughts it is not the same as she would have done.

[arbitrator]

I don't know what it is but mornings are always the worst! I have to be at work in an hour but instead of getting breakfast I sit here in front of my computer wishing I could just go back to bed :-( It seems however that as the morning progresses I start feeling better.

[arbitrator]

I'm reaching the point where I really don't care if she comes back. I really don't need her messed up life dragging mine down. If it really is adhd she needs to get into treatment or she needs to remedy the errors of her ways. I'm happy knowing that there's one thing I can do that she can't.......I can support myself! :-D

[kayc]

You have to let her be responsible for her and you be responsible for you. You can't let someone else's issues drag you down. For me, the hardest times to deal with stress, etc. is in the wee hours, 2-4 a.m. I get up at 5. When it affects my sleep, sometimes rather than fight it, I get up and do something. If I have time, I might try to go back to sleep after being up for an hour, otherwise, I just try to make it through the day sleep deprived and hope to sleep better the next night.

[arbitrator]

It's not that I'm "letting" her issues drag me down. Believe me, if I could turn off my feelings for her and this grieving like a switch, I would gladly do it.

I'm also rethinking the memorial donation....I'm thinking of splitting the amount, making half in memory of my parents and the other half in memory of her Dad. All three died in the care of the same hospice. Despite her doing what she did to me, her Dad was always really nice to me.

[kayc]

I really don't need her messed up life dragging mine down.

This is what I was responding to.

[Pollara]

It's not that I'm "letting" her issues drag me down. Believe me, if I could turn off my feelings for her and this grieving like a switch, I would gladly do it.

I'm also rethinking the memorial donation....I'm thinking of splitting the amount, making half in memory of my parents and the other half in memory of her Dad. All three died in the care of the same hospice. Despite her doing what she did to me, her Dad was always really nice to me.

well you can do that if you actually think that your dad was good to me, but to me it seems that you try to find a way to get closer to her and manipulate her. Because subconsiously you might think that she will see how a great guy you are and return back to you!

[arbitrator]

Felt a little better today....but when those damn "griefbursts" hit, they hit HARD.

[arbitrator]

Five weeks now since I was dealt the blow. I think my biggest fear at this point is NOT that she won't come back (unless she does something about her issues, probably won't), it's that the world is full of people who have a lot of misconceptions about loss and grief. They think grief progressively gets better day by day then never returns. It doesn't work that way. They also think the loss of a relationship doesn't cause grief. It does.

[MartyT]

My friend, you are correct in your observation that "the world is full of people who have a lot of misconceptions about loss and grief. They think grief progressively gets better day by day then never returns. It doesn't work that way. They also think the loss of a relationship doesn't cause grief. It does."

This, I believe, is why this forum and this entire site are so important and so valuable. Anyone who takes the time to read what is posted here cannot help but learn (or at least see) what grief looks like and feels like, from the inside out. There are as many kinds of loss as there are people who experience them, and we each respond to loss in our own unique way. Until it happens to us, we really have no idea what grief is. But one thing is for sure: Sooner or later, it will happen to those others, because life is all about loss. And because of what you have learned from your own experience with grief, you may find yourself "being there" in a more understanding and compassionate way for someone else.

As my friend and colleague Deidre Felton once said, "Remember that it won't always feel this bad. Somehow it does change. It does get better. At the moment, take heart from those around you who want to care for you and be present for you in your distress. They don't always know how, they don't always do it right, but they try. Sorrow is a matter of taking turns. This year, it's yours. Next year, it might be you setting the table for someone else who feels that they cannot cope."

[Pollara]

Five weeks now since I was dealt the blow. I think my biggest fear at this point is NOT that she won't come back (unless she does something about her issues, probably won't),

well why does she has to do something with her issues if she doesn't have any problem with them? I mean, you cannot change someone if the someone doesn't want to change himself first. For instance, I can give you a simple example, people say I am arrogant, narcissits and I think to highly of myself. And I know that it is like that. I am fully aware of it. As I am fully aware of the fact that in a lot of cases this has lead to loss with a lot of relationships (not romantic I mean in general with people). But to me it is that I am like that. This is a part of my character and I like it the way I am. I wouldn't change it for noone. No psychiatrist has evern examined me, but I guess they will have find something in my personality.

To say continuously that your ex has this adhd without never got examined and say that she needs to change it for me it is like asking her to change her character. I don't see any reason why she has to do that. You can instead find a better match for you who will lack this characteristic since you don't like it.

To me it seems that people cannot accept rejection and try to find things to justify it.

In your case why her disorder is the problem or the fact that you think that you pushed her when she was grieving? Why isn't it the too obvious? That she wasn't much into you to begin with?

[arbitrator]

Pollara-

adhd is an illness.....arrogance, narcissism and vanity are a choice. Her son has adhd, he WAS diagnosed, and it turns out that the disorder is highly hereditary meaning he got it from her.

MartyT-

Thank you for taking the time to post on my thread, I've been hoping to hear from you!

[kayc]

I don't believe narcissism is a choice. I've read a lot about it and although there is a lot they don't know, it seems to often result from childhood trauma...that is the case with my XH. Seriously, someone who is truly narcissistic does not have a wonderful life, they are lacking in so many ways. Personality disorders are not easily dealt with, not by the one who has it, nor by the one close to them.

[Pollara]

Well I can tell you an example then, my previous ex boyfriend, I am convinced that he has Schizoid personality disorder. (Of course this is something that I tell). This is a personality dissorder that is characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy. This made him not to care about relationships. But he was with me almost 6 years.
What I am saying here is that although the majority of the girls cannot stand him, I didn't care about that. So there is a girl who can stand him.

So you keep on saying about your girlfriend and her personality disorder and that she needs to solve this before she comes back to you etc. First of all, to me it doesn't seem that she will come back to you in the way you want (as a friend yes why not), secondly, if she doesn't want to change her problems, no matter what you want it doesn't matter since she managed to survive all these year with this. Secondly, other boyfriends might not have problems with her disorder.

Also, narcissistic personaliy dissorder is a dissorder. But in any case, as my psychologists friends mention, for every person there is a diagnosis. So even if someone thinks of himself as perfectly fine, if they go to psychologist they will be diagnosed with a disorder.

And to me it seems that you have some problems with your self esteem, because I sincerely believe that if this girl returns back to you even without solving her "problems" first you will fly to her.I believe you deserve better than a girl who thinks you are a toy, but since you are not able to see that, then good luck on waiting.

[kayc]

I don't believe everyone has a personality disorder, if psychologists read it that way, then they tend to read too much into things. I have known normal people.

My XH was true narcissistic, and it's not thinking highly of one's self, quite the opposite. However, their world revolves around them and others are their supply. They don't love although they're master actors and chamelions, and they are good at picking up on what others want so they can get what they want from them. (See Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited)

I would not wait for someone who was messed up. You have no control over her, cannot change her, cannot make her see the light. If she is wrong for you, she is wrong for you, no matter how many feelings you have.

[arbitrator]

As I've said before I am NOT waiting, I'm hard at work on finding someone new. The problem is it's just not happening!

[kayc]

Sorry, I was respoinding to Pollara's comment. It takes time to find someone, usually if you busy yourself with your life and pursue your own interests, it'll just happen in due time.

[Pollara]

yeah it seems for some reason that when you are searching you usually don't find or you usually tend to reject people comparing them to your exes. And when you abandon this idea of finding someone then s/he pops ups! And some times, like a murphy's law, old loves that you have cried your eyes out over them, return when you have already moved on and then you don' t care anymore. That is why they saying timing is a bitch!

I know it is easier said than done

[arbitrator]

To everyone in the group:

I've been thinking about something. I know about Munchausen Syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome. If someone can injure themselves or even their children to gain sympathy and/or attention or if hostages can bond with their captors, then I guess it isn't all that unusual that someone who is grieving the loss of a parent (the 2 persons they have the closest bonds with) can dump their significant others because all their energy is going into their grief and associated depression. Maybe we should collaborate on a name for the phenomenon all of us here are a victim of (?).

[MartyT]

An interesting thought, my friend. I certainly do believe that the experience shared by so many in this forum, both male and female, is worthy of further study, and I hope it catches the eye of someone who is looking for a research project ~ perhaps a graduate student preparing to write a master's thesis, or a doctoral candidate looking for a dissertation topic.

[Pollara]

To everyone in the group:

I've been thinking about something. I know about Munchausen Syndrome and Stockholm Syndrome. If someone can injure themselves or even their children to gain sympathy and/or attention or if hostages can bond with their captors, then I guess it isn't all that unusual that someone who is grieving the loss of a parent (the 2 persons they have the closest bonds with) can dump their significant others because all their energy is going into their grief and associated depression. Maybe we should collaborate on a name for the phenomenon all of us here are a victim of (?).

But your case is slightly different, since your ex seems to have energy for an other person.

An interesting thought, my friend. I certainly do believe that the experience shared by so many in this forum, both male and female, is worthy of further study, and I hope it catches the eye of someone who is looking for a research project ~ perhaps a graduate student preparing to write a master's thesis, or a doctoral candidate looking for a dissertation topic.

My thought exactly. My first bachelor was in psychology some years ago. I was even thinking of taking a master in psychology in order to do a master thesis regarding to it. But, it will be difficult to find the persons themselves since they cannot put any effort to anything. Maybe from counselors or psychologists.

[GuiltHaunted]

Arbitrator, your situation sounds similar to mine. Except one major difference. She was totally into me (3.5 years relationship - own thread here ), wanted to get married and have children. I was the one holding back for various reasons.

Similarities: She has a history of depression. She was medicated for years and even hospitalized in her teens - so for sure some sort of problem which was never properly diagnosed, my guess borderline. Dumped me for another a few months (may) after her father died in january.

Maybe Pollara is right. Something was missing in the relationships, and the death was just a trigger for them to pull the plug... Or maybe Pollara is wrong about them having energy for a new relationship preclude that the breakup is due to grief. Maybe the new relationship is easier.

Anyway, the advice to let go, from Pollara, is sound in any case. Even if the breakup was due to grief, there is no guarantee the will come back, because maybe the new easier relationship is in fact a better choice for them. I am unfortunately stuck in the process...

[kayc]

Jim finally let something slip the other day, started to say something like "it was too much xxxx" I couldn't make out exactly what he said and then he cut it off, at any rate, it left me with the impression there was something about me or the relationship he found intolerable, am not sure what. But it confirmed my wondering if there wasn't something more than just the grief. Who knows, it doesn't matter now.