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There Is No Going Back


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Dear Ones,

Tom Zuba is a widower and twice-bereaved dad who describes himself as one who, for more than 20+ years, has been "learning to live life with the death of my 18-month-old daughter Erin in 1990, my 43-year-old wife Trici in 1999, and my 13-year-old son Rory in 2005."

This beautiful piece was written by Tom, and posted October 9 on his Facebook page:

There is no going back
to the person you were
before the person you love died.
That person
the person you were
died, too.
There is no going back.

You now have several choices.

1. Remain stagnant.
Stuck between.
And eventually rotting from the inside out.
You will have much company in this place.

2. Fall deeper into the darkness.
And allow
and hatred
to eat you alive.
This does not just happen.
This happens due to the choices you make.
And yes, you will have plenty of company here, too.

3. Become Radiant.
Not in spite of the fact that someone you love
has died.
But because of that fact that someone you love
so dearly
has died.
This is a small, growing group of humans.
You will recognize each other by
your gentleness with life.
Your ability to forgive
for everything
every time.
(You love yourself that much.)
By your compassion
and your love.
But most of all
you will recognize each other
by the way you feel
when you are around each other.

You will feel more alive
than you have ever felt before.

You Dance Between Both Worlds.

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This is breathtaking...a wounded healer and a poet. I especially like the last line: You dance between two worlds. That is exactly where I live now. I will reread this when I am not so tired. Just finished a long day of Mindfulness. I need to read more by Tom.


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There is much food for thought in Tom’s piece, Marty. I have followed Tom Zuba for months on FB and have found him to be positive in his journey of grief. He does as he says, “learn to live life with the death” of those he lost.

His piece speaks the truth to me – there is no going back – we are not the same – and we do have choices. Our grief must be faced head on so that we do not become stuck. I think that we all will go through many of the choices he mentions such as sadness, anger, regret, hopelessness, guilt, despair, and even hatred during our grieving process but it will be about how each one of us deals with those feelings. We have heard so many times that feelings are just feelings and we can let them come and allow them to go as we chose.

The last part of his piece “becoming radiant” is what can give us hope that we will not always be where we are now IF we realize that it is because we have loved so much that we will recognize those few who have walked our walk and be able to reach out and say, “Hey, I know you. I have bumped into you here where we share our journeys. I listen, hear, and show empathy towards those I sit around our fire with as we each travel our own paths.”

“Dancing between both worlds” sounds just like what we all do as we live our ‘new’ lives. Thank you for the piece. Tom Zuba is indeed a wounded warrior.

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