I'm Just Confused

[Tatstar]

Hi everyone.

My grandmother passed away last Wednesday and the services were yesterday. I was there when she left this world...and I have never experienced anything like that before. I have cried, pulled together with my family, talked about her and I guess that some small part of me thought that after the funeral, everything would go back to normal. I am back at work today and I feel so weird. I am super-sensitive and I feel empty. I feel like I don't have a right to grieve that much, because she was my grandmother...that my aunts and my dad have more right to grief than I do. But I was really close to her and considered her like a mom. There's just so much going through my head and I can't concentrate on anything. I feel useless at work and it's generating fears of getting fired. That sounds ridiculous, right? And I am afraid that others that I am close to, are going to want me to move on quickly and if I don't, if I show them how I feel, they will not want to be around me anymore. This is just so much harder than I thought it would be and I needed to talk to someone else that understood. I needed to know that I am not crazy or being overly dramatic. I am in therapy and I have an appt tomorrow, so that's something I am grateful for. Because of my past, I have experience with group recovery and this is the first thing that I thought of to try. I would appreciate any experience you could share.

Thanks.

T

[bobsgal]

Dear Tatstar,

I am so sorry to hear of the recent death of your grandmother. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone out there, there are others here reading what you are writing. Losing a loved one is so difficult, and trying to second guess your grief and judge your progress only makes it more difficult. It is a part of your loving your grandma that saying good-bye to her is so hard.

You wrote: I have cried, pulled together with my family, talked about her and I guess that some small part of me thought that after the funeral, everything would go back to normal.

The easiest way I can say this is that "normal" changed when you experienced the death of your loved one. And anyone who wants you to get back to normal is really being selfish. They don't know how to deal with your pain, and that makes them uncomfortable, so if they can guilt you into pretending that everything is fine, stuffing your emotions inside, they feel better. But trust me, you won't.

I feel like I don't have a right to grieve that much, because she was my grandmother...that my aunts and my dad have more right to grief than I do. But I was really close to her and considered her like a mom.

You have every right to grieve for your grandmother, your relationship with her was unique to the two of you. No other was like that, and there is not one person who loved her and had a relationship with her that was more important than the other one. We humans are capable of loving more than one person at a time, and each relationship is special. Your dad and your aunts grief is different from yours yes, it is also different for each of them.

You also mentioned that you were feeling useless, super sensitive, empty, unable to concentrate, etc. All are words that I used to describe myself after my husband passed away suddenly. I thought for sure that something was wrong with the way that I was moving through this grief process, and would get down really hard on myself. My relief came when I got with others that had experienced loss and found that those terms are just another way to describe the grieving journey.

I am glad to hear that you have access to a therapist to talk this over with. Just remember, no one knows how much of a role your grandmother played in your life but you and her. Keep her memory in your heart, speak of her and your times together often, and cry those tears of sadness that you will miss her physical presence in your life. This will keep her with you at all times.

Thinking of you tonight,

Love and Blessings,

Lynda(bobsgal)

[Hans]

Dear T,

Sorry about your grandmother. I am also in therapy and many times you will find things out through this whole process that will make you a stronger person. I think this learning is a big part of life and everybody talks about grief and theorizes about this and that but the reality is that it is very personal for each person. You have to walk that path yourself. Even so, that doesn't mean you can't reach out to people for a break along the way. I think grief is just bizarre. I have never felt numb like this before and I try to snap out of my bad moods little by little. I find that talking with other people about their losses not only helps me understand that death is just a part of life, but usually that other person feels touched that someone else would be interested in them that I feel good connecting and contributing in that way. Don't feel guilty about your sadness, I'm glad you had such a great relationship with your grandmother that you would miss her this much.

Hans