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What Grief Is To Me

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Hello to everyone,

I recently wrote a message describing what grief is to me. I thought I would share it all with you. For me this is what i am experiencing even months after the loss of my dear Jack. Here it is:

What grief is to me

Pretend just for a moment that someone was capable – and did do it – of pulling all the electrical wires out of your home and all your plumbing – after the house was perfectly built. The house would appear to everyone as if nothing was wrong – it would still look to be whole and the outer shell would still have all the pretty paint on it and the landscaping in the yard would remain untouched. But when you went to use your beautiful home you would have no electricity and no water – not because electricity and water were not available to the area – but because someone had pulled all the wires and pluming out of your perfect looking house. It was now just a shell.

What a dilemma – how would you fix it – you would have to actually rewire that house and re-plumb it to make it whole. You would not want to bull doze it because the shell was still perfectly good – it is the inside – the deep inside – behind the walls and plaster that would have to be accessed to fix your home. It would take months of careful painstaking work to find just the right way to fix it all so it worked again properly – and in the meantime you would have to try to live in that empty shell and make do with what you had.

For me this is what grief is like – The shell of me is still here – but all my internal wiring/plumbing has been destroyed and must be reconnected to work again. It is a terribly slow and difficult process to reconnect it all back together – and it will be new wiring - with some of the old used material put back in - where it will fit. You desperately want to use some of that old wiring – as these are the memories of your loved one – all the material is there – it’s just in a large tangled pile of wire and pipes – and its your job to find what you can salvage and make it work with the new wiring and pipes you know you will have to buy. Slowly you take it a room at a time and begin the process – because you really love all those wires and pipes that appear to be in such a shambles – and you know what that house (person) will look like again – given enough time.

So many people don’t recognize the shambles your in - because they look at the house and it appears from the outside to be normal – but reality lies in the pile of wires and pipes that need to be reconstructed.

Somehow – in some time – this project will become reality – and the lights will be turned on and the water will run again – hopefully even better than before.

For me - this is grief - a life long task to reconnect with life.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack - More than you will ever know

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John - what a perfect anology - well written!

For an old codger like me, I am afraid that I don't have the motivation or energy to rebuild the interior of this shell of a life. It will be easier and less painful just to burn what's left of it to the ground. :(

No one can ever replace the original contents for me and soon the exterior will look as bad as the interior.

However I really do admire your strength and the way that your honour your lost loved one. :)

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Only us people who have lost someone so deep within our soul can they understand your words. I was so touched when I read it. That is how I feel right now, others, especially my co-workers think I am handling my loss so gooD, I always come to work, smile, and do my job, but inside where no one sees, I am so empty and torn apart, just like those missing wires and plumbling you spoke of, my insides are in a shambles and I wonder if I can ever be fixed whole again.

Thank you for your wonderful insight into what we feel.



7/1/38 -10/20/04

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Yes John you had me right to the end too, but for the ending I will have to go with WaltC.

Yes you have to live it to understand it so I guess we should cut people who say good morning or Merry Christmas a little slack.

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Hi John,

Your analogy is so very true!! I am praying that when I get through this I will be a better person. In many ways I already feel like a much stronger person because since my beloved fiance's passing I have had to really put my beliefs into action. This is something I must do every day in order to truly honor what I know as God and also the love I shared with my Beloved.

Latley, just today I was talking about this, I realize the people I know do not want to talk about my loss and deep pain. They would like things to be "normal" and for me to move on. Because I am usually a very clear, optomistic person people think that I am OK. And because I am also very sensitive it is difficult for me to bring my suffering up in conversation when I can feel people's resistence to the topic. It is as you say, on the outside I look normal and functioning but on the inside everything needs rewiring, reconnecting...deep healing.

I realize I must respect people's space and unconcious wish to avoid my suffering. It also makes me feel more alone. This also must be accepted without fear of the aloneness...Oh what a journey we are on!!!

May peace penetrate our minds and fill our hearts. I beleive that will come through acceptance and trust in our life's path. ~ Devi

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You know Devi when I read your post A.A. comes to mind. Although I have never needed the service I understand if you need a drink you phone your partner and they come over to stop and talk to you.

What we need when we feel like crying is a partner to come over and cry with us. That way we wouldn't bother the people who think we should be over it and get on with our lives.

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What we need and have is this forum. Where we can cry and reach out to others that feel our pain. It's true, our friends want us to be "over it" and be strong. We are strong! We have gone through so much. It has helped me so much to just read posts and reply when I feel moved to do so. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being there.

Here's loving you Tom.

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What an apt analogy! Even now I run across people who do not understand, and of course they cannot...what I have lost is my life! I try to accept life as it is now and continue on, but it is something like camping out in a hollowed out house with no electricity or plumbing...

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