LisaAnnB Posted October 26, 2013 Report Share Posted October 26, 2013 This week has been tougher than I expected. I've been constantly on the verge of tears & often allowed them to flow & I unexpectedly threw a major "temper tantrum" last night-I went out & started throwing things in our back yard & screaming [thankfully we don't have neighbors]-I have never gotten mad or frustrated like that at this whole situation before since I always figured what was the point? He was 84, survived a stroke, heart surgeries, was weak but happy & it was time for my little sister who died when she was 4 to finally have him with her... I'm being selfish-I still want him back & I'm mad that I never pushed him to have deeper & more serious conversations with me-I was the youngest girl & he hated talking about that stuff & I know he wanted to protect me. I'm mad because I feel like i"m losing the memories of him. I can still hear his voice, still feel the scratchiness of his cheek from his unshaven cheek that last week int he hospital, feel his hand gripping mine but I can't see him doing all the things he did, only a few distinct ones but stupid. I want to know more about him, more memories. Thank God for a supportive husband & a couple good friends who came to my office to keep me company for a while when I texted her & told her that "prickly purple pineapple peices" was no longer working to keep the tears at bay while at work. tonight my husband & I met a couple friends for dinner & drinks so I wouldn't be at home so long thinking & then I came home, put on Dad's old jacket I inherited, grabbed a beer [his choice, not mine], & went out to sit on the porch looking at "his" stars. Tomorrow we head "home" to be with Mom, take her out for supper & be with her. One year has gone so quickly yet so slowly. I've rubbed holes in a few photos of him trying to feel his face again. The pain tonight feels as fresh as it did 365 days ago. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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