Upcoming Wedding Anniversary

[JeL]

I'm a newbie to this grief group, and a newbie to bereavement and loss...I'm hoping to learn some wisdom from this forum. My husband died last month after a short illness. Gratefully, we had time to gather family, make a few important decisions, cry/laugh together as we said goodbye. I'm back to work and household maintenance, slowly healing from some early grief physical effects like insomnia and loss of appetite.

I feel solace in my social isolation and anxious going to concerts/movies/dinner (I've tried), so I'm declining most offers from well-meaning friends. I feel I'm disrespecting my husband when I do "normal" social activities.

Our wedding anniversary is coming up; just thinking of it crumples me into a raw, teary blob. I truly don't know how I'm going to make it to and thru this first milestone event so soon after his death. Any similar experiences or suggestions?

JeL

[Guest babylady]

welcome to our forum. so sorry for your loss. my husband passed 5/27/12. it was a short illness too. he had an inoperable brain tumor. we were together almost 42 years. we would have been celebrating our wedding anniversary on the 28th.

i'm still a mess. i cry every day.

we didn't have many friends. a few died. i'm in phoenix and i have a few friends back in NYC who i stay in touch with.

i have several health problems -- nothing that will kill me but i don't get out much. if i were able to i wouldn't feel like i was disrespecting john. he would want me to go on with my life.

i too enjoy my solace. i sleep a lot. i have CFS/ME, but sleeping is also an escape.

arlene

[JeL]

arlene, thanks for your reply.

Today is 7 weeks since my husband's death...28 years as my best friend...I know it'll take some time. I am not prepared for the places my grief is taking me. This week, I hit an emotional wall of sadness as I try to re-approach "normal" social life...dentist appt, service call at the house, an invitation from friends to dinner. They all feel overwhelming but I get it done, come home and cry a lot.

Our 28th wedding anniversary is next week...I miss my husband every day, every hour. I'm a raw, teary blob by night and highly functioning medical professional by day.

I get it that grief is a process...got to go through, not detour. I'm beginning that journey.

There may be strategies - how to approach my wedding anniversary?

JeL

[Queeniemary]

Jel, so very sorry for your loss. You are very early in this grief process, and all these first are coming up for you. My husband died on January 13, 2010. Our 20th anniversary was in April. Yes it was very hard, but each time you pass a milestone, it gets easier to bear. I have gone through several special days at this point, I always try to be by myself on those days, then if the grief hits too hard, I don't have to try to "buck up" for anyone. So very sorry that you had to join us on this journey. I have been on this site since April, 2010, and can honestly say that the wisdom and friendship of the others on this site has played a big part in helping me cope with Mike's death, and the learning my new normal. And it will be a new normal, you will never be the same person you were before. Please keep coming here, you will find we all understand how you are feeling, as we all have gone through, and are going through the same feelings,

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

Dear one,

I too am so very sorry for your loss ~ but grateful that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. Here you will find a wealth of information, comfort and support as you continue on your own journey of grief.

You've asked for strategies on how to approach your wedding anniversary, and I'd like to point you to some resources that may be helpful. Be sure to follow some of the links at the base of this article, too: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief

[JeL]

warm thanks for the connections and article references.

JeL

[kayc]

JeL,

Welcome to this site. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, words are not adequate to express what I feel.

It is early on in the grief process, but after some time you may notice that you feel odd or guilty if you enjoy any of life even for a moment. That is a common response, but one we need to work through. Sometimes we use the guilt/pain to hold us to them, but it isn't necessary...we are held close to them regardless. It takes oh so much time to doing life without their physical presence. Marty, thank you for always finding just the right links!

[feralfae]

Dear JeL,

I am so sorry that you have lost our husband, and hope you are finding some moments of peace each day. I lost Doug 7 February 2012, and the dates of our anniversaries and a few other special dates have been very hard.

The first few months after Doug left, I was lost in a fog, and the pain was so excruciating that all I wanted to do was hide in the house. I could not even go to church or meeting, and mostly wanted to spend time being in our home, where Doug still felt very present.

I am so glad Marty posted some links for you. She is a treasure trove of information, and hosts this site for us. Thank you Marty.

JeL, I am sorry for your grief and loss. I am glad you have found this place of healing and compassion. We are all walking our own paths, and yet we share and support each other on our journeys.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[JeL]

I so appreciate the personal replies from this group. I find I'm reflecting on advice that resonates....I try to hold that with me as I go throughout my day.

KayC said it well, "Sometimes we use the guilt/pain to hold us to them, but it isn't necessary...we are held close to them regardless."

This idea resonates with me for now and I think will help me feel more comfortable being around colleagues and friends. That will be my task as I start my busy work week.

thank you, kind ones.

[enna]

My dear JeL,

I am so very sorry for your loss. This loss is so fresh that right now you are still in that 'fog' we hear so much about. We here who have lost our spouses know all about the trauma you are going through. You have found a wonderful place to be and the people here will walk with you.

Perhaps later you will share with us something about your husband. What was his name? How long have the two of you been married? What did you like to do together. When I lost my Jim only fifteen months ago I loved it when I could just talk about what a funny Irishman he was. Your journey is just beginning and we are here with you. Visit us and remember to take care of yourself because grieving is very ard work. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear JeL

You will find so much to help you on this site. My beloved husband Pete had a severe stroke two years ago this November 7th. He lived another six months but never really recovered. I am struggling with this anniversary and it's hard. We all know this. We have to think about our wonderful lives with our partners. Sharing our stories with each other does help. We had been married 49 years so I suppose I should count myself lucky but it doesn't work like that. Of course you are an emotional mess right now how else? But you still have something to celebrate 28 years together. Please share more with us.

I'm in England so it's evening here.

Jan

[Guest babylady]

today would have been our 42nd anniversary. we lived together for a year before that. because neither one of our divorces was recognized in new york we drove down to maryland to get married. i remember it was a beautiful warm day. i wore beige suede hot pants (remember them?) a black crepe long sleeve blouse and black patent leather boots. it was just the 2 of us. didn't need witnesses. on the way home i drove and john fell asleep. we stopped on the new jersey turnpike to eat. they had howard johnson's restaurants every few exits. i had stuffed peppers. don't remember what john ate.

more later. howie just arrived for my massage.

arlene

[KATPILOT]

Arlene!

I hope you got through the day okay and I just wanted to wish you a "Happy Anniversary".

I know speaking for myself, it is still a happy day cause after all it was still "my" anniversary, and I will enjoy that day for all of time.

Stephen

[feralfae]

Arlene, all I can say is that I bet you were totally cute in your outfit. I never got to wear hotpants, but always thought I'd like to be somewhere without nuns (or husband!) to give them a try. I did get away with short skirts sometimes, though.

Did you get married in Elkton? I think that used to be a place to get married in Maryland.

I hope you had a good massage.

*< twinkles>*

fae

[Guest babylady]

thank you stephen. i managed to get through the day. john loved TCBY yogurt. for some reason most of them closed. recently one opened a few minutes from the house. i went there for the first time and bought john's favorite flavor -- white chocolate mouse. i cried on and off but i do that every day.

i have so many happy memories of our life together.

arlene

[Guest babylady]

fae -- i'm not going to be humble. i did look cute. i was 30 years old. i loved hot pants. i had one outfit that had hot pants with a matching maxi vest.

i remember when minis came out. it was easter sunday ('67) and i wore a mini dress and mini coat. when i got out of my car my grandmother was looking out the window. she said "hurry up and get up here before someone sees you". grandma was very "catholic" and always worried about what the neighbors thought.

around the time they became popular was when i split from my first husband who was very conservative. always tried to tell me how to dress and wear my hair. we split in february and signed our separation papers a month later. by that time i had dropped 5 lbs (i was thin to begin with) had bleached my hair up to platimum blonde and had cut in short. he said "you think you look good -- you look terrible".

i met john 8/70 so i had 3-1/2 years to "sow my wild oats". it took him a while to "tame me" but i've always "danced to a different drummer". his family didn't like me and he was disowned for a few years until someone in the family died. my mother in law called and said "life is too short -- let's get together". several times during our years together there were arguments where we'd go and year or more without talking to his parents or seeing them. john always took my side.

actually i think my father in law got to like me. i think he admired the fact that i wouldn'd compromise my views -- especially the political ones.

we did get married in elkton.

sorry you didn't get to experience hot pants. i wore shorts until i was 60.

i wish i would have saved some of my clothes from the late 60s and early 70s. they were the best. i remember i had a red suede vest with long fringes which had beads attached to them.

i had some fabulous clothes back when i lived in new york. fortunately there was no dress code where i worked. there were days when i wore a silk pants suit and other days when i wore jeans and high top sneakers -- depended on my mood, but i always looked neat and wore jewelry.

arlene

[Guest babylady]

Dear JeL -- i don't know what day your anniversary is but i hope it's not too hard for you. i've learned from this forum that we go through phases. the first few months after john passed i was still in "shock".

just the other day i realized how much i've gone through in the last 1-1/2 years. i didn't think i'd survive but i did.

john was in good health -- he had recently lost 40 lbs and was eating healthy. he came home from work 2/28/12 -- had a lean cuisine dinner -- 1/2 hour later he had a seizure. i called 911. he had a brain tumor. he passed 5/27/12. when the neurosurgeon realized how large the tumor had grown he said "he only has a few weeks". he lasted almost 8 weeks. that was hard -- knowing he was going to die, but not knowing when. hospice gave me a little book telling what signs to look for -- a few weeks before -- a week before -- days before. he did so well that hospice couldn't keep him. they said i had to put him in assisted living which i did. he was still under the care of hospice -- hospice nurse, doctor, etc. the assisted living was great. he had a private room with a table and chairs. he had visitors constantly -- people from work. the owners of the assisted living were also the caretakers. they had several other caretakers too. their room was next door to john's room. they only had 2 other patients and treated everyone like family. there were times when john would go out to the kitchen and leoni would put him to work. interesting thing. john was not very talkative, but after the brain tumor he talked non-stop. he stayed in assisted living for 1 month before he got really bad and was transferred back to hospice where he passed a week later. leoni and her husband (the owners) went to visit him in hospice. they were great caring people.

i miss him terribly. there's not a day that goes by that i don't think about him. i still cry everyday. i'm crying now. we were soul mates. 12 hours before he passed he managed to say "i love you".

arlene

[kayc]

Arlene,

I'm sorry I'm getting here too late for your anniversary. I hope you got through it okay, and am glad you had some time to reminisce here, I think it does help to give expression to what we are feeling. It sounds like your John truly loved you, wow, so many years together! Thank heavens you met and got to share your life with him.

[Guest babylady]

thank you kayC. it felt good to reminisce. i find i need to get my feelings out. started seeing my therapist again a few months ago. hope you're doing well.

arlene

[kayc]

I am doing well. Since I lost my job, I may be broke but I am destressing and healing from what was a very toxic environment for all too long. This morning I gave my (ex) boss permissions to access and manage the company calendar, which I kept on my personal google (they did not have a google account and he had not wanted one, but I'd needed some reliable way of getting reminders for my job). It is more than most would have done, but I figured I'd take the high road and do the better thing, regardless of what he does/doesn't do.

He wrote back and said he put my cell phone "on vacation". I like how he tries to sugar coat things...he turned it off but didn't pay the cancelation fee so I can't make the number portable...even though my contract was paid in full when it was put on the company account...they used it on someone else's phone and now because of that, I can't use my number. I bought a replacement emergency only phone, one hour for three months won't go very far, but it was the cheapest plan I could find and I need to be reachable at all times because of my mom's situation. I'm only thankful he didn't shut it off a day earlier, which would have prevented me from knowing my mom fell and entered the hospital.

[Guest babylady]

i'm so sorry, but they say everything happens for a reason. are you old enough to collect SS and medicare? maybe you can qualify for food stamps.

my friend has a cell phone where he just pays for the minutes.

sorry about your mom. is she okay?

sending you a hug and positive energy.

arlene

[kayc]

Too young for either, don't qualify for food stamps or unemployment. My mom is not okay...my heart breaks for her, she just lays there, her mind going, and now not even able to walk or sit up. She doesn't know how to work a tv or radio or phone anymore, what kind of existence is this?

[Guest babylady]

i'm so sorry. does your mom have dementia?

i fear that happening to me. i belong to a private CFS/ME on-line chat group and someone mentioned that the other day. she talked about what if she wanted to end it all and couldn't? if john were alive i know he would try to help me in some way. we were both long time members of "the hemlock society" now called "compassion and choices". we're kinder to our animals. hope this hasn't offended you in any way. don't know what you're religious beliefs are.

my mom had dementia and she kept saying "i want to die". i never told her not to say that. i always said "i understand". i think she willed herself to die.

my mom was able to walk, talk, etc. but she had terrible auditory hallucinations -- voices telling her they were going to do things to her, etc. it must have been awful. she was able to watch tv but had a hard time with channels. she could never understand the concept of the "guide".

she existed on things like cake and pies. our doctor said "you've got to get her someplace where she gets some nutrition". she was losing so much weight. he said to her "dorothy -- you've got to eat or you'll die". she looked at him and said "so i'll go to heaven". he was religious and couldn't answer her. i let her live on her own as long as i could and finally got her into assisted living. she only lasted 3 months.

how old is you mom?

i don't pray, but i'm sending positive thoughts to you and your mom.

[kayc]

I'm a Christian, but no, you certainly haven't offended me. My mom is 91 and has had Dementia as well as other mental problems for a very long time, she is in a Dementia Care Center. I doubt I'll live to be as old as her, and maybe that's a good thing.

[Guest babylady]

my mom suffered with depression. she went on prozac in 1990 (she was 67) and it worked well for her. she was in good health, but developed dementia when she was around 82. she had auditory hallucinations that at first were humorous when she told us about them, but then they became frightening. she lived in a senior community and swore the neighbors were killing children (children were not allowed to live there) -- then the voices said they were stealing her money and i was helping them and they were going to kill her. she called one night saying she heard me on the phone with these neighbors talking about taking her money. john had to get on the phone with her and calm her down. he was really good at that. it got so bad that i had her admitted into the psychiatric section of a hospital where she was treated by psychiatrists who specialize in treating the elderly. they put her on so many drugs. she went in taking prozac and a high blood pressure med. by the time she was released into assisted living she was on about 6 or more drugs. within a few weeks she became incontinent and didn't recognize me. i could go on. fortunately after 3 months she passed. the interesting thing was the last time i saw her she recognized me.

i let her live on her own as long as i could, but she was not eating and was losing weight. our doc said "you've got to get her someplace where she gets nutrition". he said to her "dorothy you have to eat or you're going to die". she looked at him and said "so, i'll go to heaven". she also started knocking on other neighbors doors and telling the management that there were killers living there. it was just a matter of time before they were going to tell me she couldn't live there anymore. she was scaring people.

it was a hard decision but i had to make it. i probably should have done it sooner, but she liked her privacy -- something i relate to very well.

sending positive thoughts to you and your mom.