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Coping With The Holidays


MartyT

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I am putting this on the holiday string because as Ashley Davis Bush (author of Transcending Loss) says so well here...."we only need to be where we are right now". We do not have to be in the tomorrow's...just here...now. I believe that helps to shrink the mountains sometimes a little bit and sometimes all the way down to hill or even a mound. Biting off too many days at one time that can make some of the mountains feel higher, steeper, and more rugged.

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Sometimes life seems like one mountain to climb after another. Just when you think you've reached the peak after a struggle, you look around to notice a new peak to climb. That's why the journey is more important than the destination. Your life's journey has taken a turn that you didn't want, didn't plan, didn't desire. And you don't know what peaks lie ahead. So be in this moment of the journey (with all its simultaneous sorrow and love) and know that you only need to be where you are right now.
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Thursday, Dec. 19 Webinar on Tips for Handling the Holidays FREE, register first:

4-5pm PST (6pm Central) (5pm AZ) Converter: www.timeanddate.com/worldclock/converted.html?iso=20131219T16&p1=217&p2=197

Tips for Handling the Holidays

Join us on Thursday, December 19, 2013 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM PST

This message is to remind you that the following Webinar will take place Thursday, December 19, 2013 4:00 PM - 5:00 PM PST.

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Free-Tips-for-Handling-the-Holidays-Webinar.html?soid=1110269189503&aid=8xXrY2WWJkI

ALSO

A free download of stories on handling grief if you sign up for their newsletter. This is a good website.

http://www.opentohope.com/

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Marty, as usual your gold digging resulted in the discovery of gold nuggets. I changed the link in my post.

Thank you, Mary

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Just finished the webinar on Tips for the Holidays sponsored by three groups: Finding Hope After loss, Open To Hope and Compassionate Friends. Well done with many helpful ideas. This webinar will be posted on FB at Compassionate Friends if anyone is interested. Some of the things that I found helpful:

  • The first year is a ‘fog’ - we’re not really sure what happened
  • We are ‘thawing out’ if we are around the second year of a loss
  • We recognize that we are ‘alive alone’
  • We are centered on self
  • Our emotions are strong
  • We need to modify our commitments
  • Between the second and later years we start to experiment – we may want to do something different
  • We have a little more control
  • We find we have a little more energy – we can settle into a routine
  • We modify our expectations and
  • We can start to reach out to help others

If at a gathering and it is too much for you GO FOR A WALK, say you have the FLU – no one wants someone at a party if they’re sick – they might not understand your grief but they do understand DIARRHEA!

Some tips mentioned for a ‘new holiday normal’ later on in grief – some things have been repeated before:

  • Share a memory
  • Decorate a wreath with favorite items that meant something to your loved one
  • Decorate an ornament – personalize it with their name on it
  • Display pictures
  • Light a candle
  • Make a toast – include all those who have passed
  • Make a favorite dish
  • Recall funny memories

This is the time to lean on others who are further along. Our forum is a great place for this. I have been helped so very much by reading posts of those who are further down the road than I am. Those who are further along are our lifelines and I want to personally thank those who have shared their journeys so I can be better prepared.

So, we learn to keep a balance in our lives. We are the CEOs of our grief. Life and Loss go together. And I say – ride the roller coaster, surf those waves, know that there will be those days that you just want to stay in bed – nothing wrong with that! And when you get down in a hole be sure you have a ladder near by or a good friend who understands and is willing to sit with you until you're ready to climb out.

Anne

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You are an outstanding recorder and reporter, Anne! Thank you so much for sharing your important notes with all of us!

P.S. ~ I saw a copy of this coloring book when I was out and about today, and thought of you, Anne. It's a beautiful coloring book for grownups! You might want to take a look at it: Secret Garden: An Inky Treasure Hunt and Coloring Book

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You are welcome, Marty. I found the webinar informative. I completed my memory ornament and now have a snow globe and an ornament this year.

Oh, and now look what I did. I went to Amazon AGAIN and bought Secret Garden: An Inky Treasure Hunt and Coloring Book and some new art pencils. The pictures I saw look challenging but I'm up to one. Thank you for the link and your thought.

Anne

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Anne, your notes are just wonderful. I missed a good part of the webinar. Thanks for your generosity in posting these. Mary

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A wonderful radio program for those interested - handling death and the holidays with Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley - :)

Harriet Hodgson

"How Can Your Bring Holiday Cheer to a Loved One in Invensve Care," my latest article, is on www.opentohope.com now.
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This came in my email today from Ashley Davis Bush:

Still Waters tools and resources for living deeply

Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW

"Ho Ho Ho" or "Bah Humbug"? Which is your refrain this year?

For many of us, this is NOT the most wonderful time of the year.

If you're in that camp - or know someone who is - please use and share these seasonal resources:

Blue Christmas: 6 Tips for Coping with Grief During the Holidays

Coping with Grief During the Holidays: Do's and Don'ts

When it's NOT the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I am wishing you light in the darkness,

Peace,

Ashley

P.S. I want to thank you for your support and your interest in my work. It is an honor to share ideas that make a difference.

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Ashley Davis Bush, LICSW is a licensed psychotherapist, a Huffington Post blogger, and the author of 4 self-help books. Her private practice is in Epping, NH.

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A friend posted this on Facebook today. It is a series, apparently, running from Dec. 1 through Christmas (all of Advent in other words). Some of you may resonate with this. Each day's "entry" is several short pages that you can move through by clicking in the lower right. You can go to the archive (link at bottom) to start the entire series -there is no magic about doing them on Dec. 1 etc. I am a believer that ALL religions have something to say to me...it matters not which one. Love is the goal. Peace is the way. (Course in Miracles quote I love)

This is an excerpt from one of today's pages....by the Goo Goo Dolls-relevant to all here, I believe.

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One of my favorite Christmas tunes is “Better Days” by the the Goo Goo Dolls:

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear.
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And designer love and empty things;
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days.


The prophet Isaiah encourages the Israelites to joyfully lift up their voices to the sovereign God who brings peace and redemption for all. Salvation and better days are arriving in the form of a child — a gift more magnificent than any shiny present.
Andy Acton

Link to the site: http://www.d365.org/followingthestar/

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Though I don't remember the details, I do recall someone reminding everyone here last month that Thanksgiving could be easily referred to as just a Thursday.

Though it seems a more difficult to do that this week....it might help a bit to remember that Christmas can just be called Wednesday. These holidays can be so difficult for those who grieve...and it is a challenge in many instances to remember that no one here is alone. We in this circle have everyone else in the circle for support and understanding. It is a thought that can lend a moment of comfort this week. Even when you might be sitting at that table where an empty chair is physically present or emotionally present (in your heart/mind), or as you sit alone anywhere (even if you are surrounded by people or not)....try to remember that you are surrounded by an entire group of people who care and understand.

Peace,

Mary

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I think that is what makes our journeys manageable, Mary. We ARE a connected body here on this forum. I found the following on FB today and it spoke to me since I'm trying to focus on the good memories this year and I do think of them as "treasured gifts."

Transcending Loss: Understanding the lifelong impact of grief

Memories can feel painful because they highlight loss, but memories are also treasured gifts. They remind you of happy times, of richness, of love. Holding onto beautiful memories reminds you of the blessings that you have enjoyed. Those blessings are a part of you and live on within you. So hold each memory with reverence and let it take you on a path of holding onto the good that is imprinted upon your heart.
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Thank you, Anne. You are so generous with your gifts of helpful articles. Have a peaceful evening.

Mary

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A friend wrote and sent this to me this morning and I share it with you as my Christmas wish. I am quite aware that, especially during these holidays, you (and yes, I) walk in grief and sadness as well as in celebration, gratitude and healing. I know that most, if not all, of you will be present simultaneously to what is going on around you (be it people celebrating or a TV distracting you) and to the pain that sits deep in your hearts that no one can see or know. Please know that you are held in my thoughts and prayers as many in our world celebrate Christmas. May the peace inherent in these days rest gently in your hearts as it calms and heals your soul. Peace, Mary

I'm thinking of you,

Sending grateful energies

To connect and surround you,

Whatever circumstances

May currently call, challenge and

Comfort you.

May the incarnated Lover

At the center of creation

And at the center of each of us

Penetrate every dormant potential

And awaken us to embrace

All that transforms and clarifies,

All that ensures genuine peace

And unity with integrity.

As we come to the table

Of our divine and human drama

Celebrating the miracle

Of God's mystery among us,

Growing through

our days of chaos and order,

We lift our glasses and salute

How all things

Work together

As we remain centered

In the Love that

Makes the angels sing.

H.E. Christmastide 2013

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