Coping With The Holidays

[enna]

As for the IT part of your problem, Kay, I do not have an answer for you.

Thank you for the laugh about your request for Christmas stamps - especially knowing you and all you've gone through these last days. Anne

[mfh]

Kay, I, too, had to smile at your post office clerk event. As for the IT problem, have you narrowed down the type of videos you can not watch...e.g. are they YouTube only or from other sites?

Mary

[widower]

I've rebooted, tried different browsers. I think it's something to do with whatever handles my videos.

Probably Adobe Flash. If you have 11.anything you should be good, but might try installing the latest....also try clearing out your cache on the browser. Do you get an error, or what happens (if anything)?

[mfh]

I came across this tonight and it supports the need for Mindfulness during the holidays. More of reminder than anything else...but a good one.

http://wilmingtonfavs.com/2012/12/18/coping-with-grief-and-loss-during-the-holidays/

[kayc]

No error messages, just don't get the video/sound I'm waiting to hear.

16 days the sound is halting/stilted, so much so you can't understand any of it. The very first sentence starts to come through, then you can't get the rest of it.

21 days you get the first sentence, then nothing. Installed Adobe Flash Player 11. No help.

Mary, So right! mindfulness really helps our outlook.

[kayc]

I cleared my cache and was able to listen to day 7, don't know where to find the previous days as they aren't showing up now. Thanks for your help! It's weird because I'd tried different browsers to no avail. Perhaps it was a combination of the flash player and clearing the cache.

[mfh]

I cleared my cache and was able to listen to day 7, don't know where to find the previous days as they aren't showing up now. Thanks for your help! It's weird because I'd tried different browsers to no avail. Perhaps it was a combination of the flash player and clearing the cache.

From what I can see, Kay, if you are referring to the 21 Days of Gratitude, they removed days 1-6 probably because they want to sell the series. There is an ad on my computer to do that so days 7-13 are still available. I did another 21 day thing with Chopra and they started removing them also to encourage late comers to buy the series, I assume. I am glad your computer is working now...as it sounds like it is...Peace, Mary

[kayc]

I wrote and told them my computer wasn't working right on days 2-6 and they sent me the links. I have them all current now.

[mfh]

I wrote and told them my computer wasn't working right on days 2-6 and they sent me the links. I have them all current now.

Brilliant! I am so glad.

Mary

[enna]

The thought below just said, "Share it."

I am looking for there to be more happy memories for me this holiday season. I know there will be sad times and lonely times but I hope I can bring just a little bit of sunshine to others who cross my path. I wish all of you moments of peace and some joy as we all deal with whatever pain we'll face these weeks. One of my projects that I am working on for my tree this year is to prepare a list of ten (I know there are more) wonderful memories that Jim and I shared when he was in good health. I'll roll the list and place it in a glass ornament that I will paint (haven't decided what theme yet) and hang it on my tree. It gives me comfort to have the smell of fresh evergreens around the house during the holidays so even though it is painful for me to decorate I'm doing it as a reminder of how much Jim loved the holidays. I'm wondering what some of you will be doing? Anne

They are upon us.

42

[feralfae]

Thank you Anne, that is remarkably beautiful, thank you very much.

Oh, Anne! We used to write notes about each other and put them in the little bottles one can buy at Ben Franklin, and we would put them in the trees here and in Alaska. They were little loving notes. I love that you are putting notes in bottles.

I am planning to do more social things this year, and in fact, I just got out a snazzy outfit that I have not worn in years, so it will be almost new now. Even if I just invite some girlfriends over one night for champagne and mousse, I am going to have one dress-up night. I might even put on some lipstick and blush. Well, that is one of my big plans.

I am doing some of my usual stuff for the holidays, mostly for children. I missed the last few years, so this will be a wonderful way to begin to celebrate the way we used to years ago when Doug was still well.

Thank you for the beautiful words. Yes, we will talk about our Beloved. I told about the Tundra Swans and Doug's love of birds at Meeting this morning, and everyone smiled. I know Doug was smiling while I told the story, too.

*<twinkles>*

fae

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

I don't know what I'll be doing for Christmas, waiting for the kids to decide. But it looks like the church/community will keep me busy between now and then. I will be dogsitting for 2 1/2 weeks for a puppy starting tomorrow, THAT will keep me busy! I have musical things I'm in, so lots of practices. KEZI news will be filming our church service next Sunday as our mission trip to the Philippines will be back, they'll have the service, show pictures, etc. and potluck afterwards so cooking to do Sat. Had a community dinner/fundraiser for children for "Christmas Shoeboxes" last night. Got several hundred of them packed and raised part of the $ for the shipping. Have a White Elephant to go to. Will be selling cards at the Sugarplum Festival in Dec.

I ordered an artificial tree, my first. I had a hard time getting my tree up the last couple of years, the trunks are too skinny for the tree stand. Decided to simplify. I will miss the smell though, Anne! You'll have to sniff for both of us! I never thought I'd get one, but I don't have anyone to help me put up a real one.

fae, your idea, getting ladies together for chocolate mousse sounds fun, I should do that!

[widower]

I'll be going "home" (parents' house). I love them and my family, but frankly I hate it. They are good people, but we wrote the book on dysfunctional and it's just hard in a lot of ways (that, a long lonely drive alone there and back, etc etc etc). Frankly I hate Christmas with the strength of 1,000 suns. If I could skip from about Halloween to Easter every year I'd do it and rejoice in my fortune at being able to do so.

[enna]

A wonderful talk by Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., CHT, CT, GMS titled; Good Mourning: The Many Faces of Grief - The Holidays are Coming and I'm Not Ready!

http://webtalkradio.net/internet-talk-radio/good-mourning-exploring-the-many-faces-of-grief/

I really liked her words, "Every time you see a snowflake remind yourself how special and unique you are..."

A very important thing to remember for me is to just accept where you are and do what you feel like doing.

We are each unique and will handle our grief in a way that is meaningful to each one of us. I have learned that there really is no right or wrong way to grieve.

And remember, we have this forum so we will never be alone.

Anne

[mfh]

I saw this great post on Facebook today...by Anne Lamott. It reminded me of this group and of fae's fairy dust and of how each person here, including me, can think about Thanksgiving Day as Thursday and know that we all have that purple fairy dust sprinkled on us. I call it grace and it can give us the strength and courage needed to deal with Thursday and the next 30 days of holiday. Below is a link to purple fairy dust. Remember in tough moments...that you have been sprinkled with it.

Anne Lamott

They're here; they're upon us. The you-know-what's are here. It's hard enough to keep your balance and and sense of humor during the rest of the year. But the next 30 days are Grad School. Another way to say this is that left to our own devices, we're all doomed. But we're NOT left to our own devices. We have each other. And it is only Tuesday.

Let me tell you a story.
The year I got sober, 1986, I started worrying about Thanksgiving in August, because in my family, at least, everyone always went crazy, and I had always gotten the craziness all over me, like Oobleck, the sticky green slime in Dr. Seuss.

But then the night before Thanksgiving, a sober gay man with AIDS took me aside and said, "Annie, another word for Thanksgiving is Thursday. Just don't drink tomorrow. Just for one day.". Then he sprinkled purple glitter over me, and I said, "I've anointed you with Fairy dust!"

It changed my life. Just Thursday? What a concept. He said all I had to do was show up, and no matter what, no drink. Left foot, right foot, left foot, breathe.

He was God with skin on for me that day, which is all we ever need. So I did what he said, because the only hope we ever have to give up is in our own agenda.

I showed up at the relatives with purple glitter in my hair. My mom said sort of derisively, "Oh for Pete's sake, Honey. Look at you." So I laughed, tousled my hair, and sprinkled some on her.

When my uncle and aunt and cousins asked me if I wanted a glass of wine, I said, "No, thank you."

It was so weird! It worked. No one tried to goad or shame me into having a drink. Then midway through dinner, Grandma Marion spilled red wine all over the sleeve of my white blouse. And I still didn't drink. I looked like the Red Badge of Courage meets Animal House, and the fumes went straight up my nose. But I kept remembering the sober guy with AIDS saying that all I had to do was not drink that day--that one Thursday.

And because I had not been left to my own devices, it all turned into goofy blessing.

That was 27 sober years ago. So thank you to everyone who knows about fairy dust and who has been god with skin on for me. I wish you all a day of purple glitter.

[MartyT]

"Another word for Thanksgiving is Thursday." Outstanding. Thank you for this, dear Mary.

And Anne, I don't think we can find a better talk on coping with the holidays than the one you found with Darcie Sims. She is simply wonderful, and I hope all our members treat themselves to her heartfelt wisdom. ♥

[mfh]

Yes, Marty, I do like Anne Lamott's idea...and I like Anne Lamott in general.

And since Christmas is on a Wednesday, we can call it Wednesday if that feels better.

Anne, I did listen to Darcie's presentation and found it to be filled with wisdom. Thank you.

Mary

[enna]

Thank you both. Marty, it was you who first introduced me to Darcie Sims and I fell in love with her messages. She is all you say she is, "simply wonderful."

You are welcome, Mary. I treasure your wisdom and am grateful that you are here with us. I do miss hearing about Bentley. I hope he likes snow.

Anne

[mfh]

I came across this TED talk today by one of my favorite authors, Brother David Steindl-Rast. It is on gratitude and happiness. As I continue to grieve the loss of my Bill, I can't help but focus also on gratitude for his presence and love in my life. So tomorrow, Thursday, is truly a day of gratitude for me and I hope even in the pain we feel here on these sacred forums, we can also reach into gratitude. None of us would be grieving if we did not have something/someone for which we also feel incredibly deep gratitude. I believe we are big enough and strong enough to carry grieve and gratitude at the same time. For those who do not know, a Brother is a man who has dedicated his life as a monk but chosen not to be ordained a priest who has the ability to preside at the Catholic Mass and at the sacraments of the Catholic Church....other than that they are the same.

http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful.html?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=button__2013-11-27

Peace,

Mary

[enna]

Thank you, Mary, for this post today. I listened to Brother David on FB this morning. I like his messages on gratefulness and the way he repeats that every moment is a gift. I like the idea of building stop signs in our lives. His idea of STOP - LOOK - GO is so simple and something all of us can do.

I also believe that we can carry grief and gratitude at the same time. It takes practice, practice, practice...

I join with you tomorrow in Thursday being a day of gratitude.

Anne

[MartyT]

This post on Widow's Voice reminds me so much of what you said about your beloved Bill, Mary: Thankful .....

[mfh]

Dear Marty,

The article (above from Widow's Voice) is very real to me and to so many here. I have not mastered all of these but certainly am well on my way and hopeful of being able to add to it someday. I KNOW as surely as I know my own name that what Bill and I had was a rare treasure to be cherished forever. I think most people on this spousal loss forum are here because they feel the same way about their own relationships...and how blessed we are to have experienced such love. Doing therapy for so many years and seeing so many (many hundreds) who never felt loved and cherished by ANY one...taught me so much and of course led me to be deeply grateful for the love Bill and I shared....

Peace

Mary

[MartyT]

From Chelsea Hanson of With Sympathy Gifts & Keepsakes, some lovely ideas:

Joyful Grieving!

Give Gifts in their Name

Continue buying gifts for your loved one and instead of leaving them unopened under the tree, give them to those in need in your loved one's name.

Tree of Life and Lights

Many organizations have tree lighting ceremonies to remember loved ones.

If you don't have one in your area, you can have your own with your family.
Sponsor a tree or bring an ornament to hang.

Gathering with others who are a remembering their loved ones can be very healing and uplifting.

Include them at Dinner

At dinner, have every one go around and say their favorite memory of your loved one.
If this is too hard, then you could always pause and have a moment of silence in their honor.

Stuff their Stockings with Love

Continue hanging your loved one's stocking and every year have family members write notes to them and stuff their stocking with love.

Honor them with a Special Tree

You can decorate a small tree by their headstone to honor your loved one

and let them know you are missing them.
After the holidays, you can plant the tree in a memorial garden or special place.

Jacob's Wisdom

Every morning my son jumps out of bed to go find his Elf on the Shelf. It is quite fascinating that he actually believes that his elf comes to life while he is sleeping and flies around. Just like how children believe Santa fills his sleigh with toys for every child in the world and flies around from house to house in one night. It is so fun to watch how excited he gets about Christmas.

A friend of mine who doesn't have kids asked me what the point of Elf on the Shelf is. Besides telling her it was a Godsend for parents and I wished our elf could stay around all year, I explained that it is something tangible that kids can see to help them understand abstract concepts. Our Elf helps my son understand the spirit of Christmas. I like tangible things, which is partly why I opened my sympathy gift store. Sometimes it is hard to see and feel that love lives on after our loved ones pass so having something to hold onto can help in the healing process. That is why I believe in starting the traditions above. Sometimes just thinking about your loved one isn't enough, having something physical to hold or doing something like writing them a note will help fill that emptiness.

[mfh]

Marty, this is lovely. Thank you for the post.

Yesterday I listened to/watched a DVD on Handling the Holidays (Grief Toolbox) and some ideas were presented there also:

Buy a gift that your loved one would have loved, wrap it in the best paper you can find, and then give it to a person or organization that will pass it on to someone who needs it.

Buy a gift for yourself that your loved one would have gotten for you, wrap it in lovely paper, even write a note from that person and open it on Christmas day.

Write down (each on a small separate piece of paper) a gift that your loved one gave you (not just objects but gifts like well...ones I got from Bill included how he heard me; how he anticipated my needs; how he breathed life into me...and so many more). Put these in a lovely box that you make or buy and when tough days come along, sit with the box and read the gifts and focus on all you had with and from that person. I did this exercise last night and almost ran out of paper on the pad I used. It was amazing how long the list and I am not done yet.

Plan exit strategies i.e. if you go to an event drive yourself so that you can leave when you choose. I do this all the time and it helps. I do not bring anyone in my car unless they agree to my plan.

I think there were more ideas but I will post those later.

Peace as we deal with the challenges of anticipation.

Mary

[enna]

Another helpful tool for coping with grief during the holidays hosted by Darcie Sims and Alan Pedersen and it's FREE.

The Grief Toolbox

Have you watched the video yet? We would love to hear what was the most useful or what you liked the best. Please comment and let us know.

Our Gift to You...a FREE on-demand viewing of Walking Through Grief - Handling the Holidays

http://thegrieftoolbox.com/content/handling-holidays-0#.Upgc16WDrwI...See More