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I'm Very Pained Tonight :(


Mary1063

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It's almost 2 in the morning. Tomorrow the 10th is two months since losing Shannon. I'm crying a lot right now. It's so hard having to be on the pain meds for the knee surgery recovery. In some ways, it numbs me and in some ways it makes my heart so very very heavy. Tonight I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion, tears, sobs, heart wrenching pain, and guilt. :(

I'm knocked down physically following knee surgery. I'm knocked down with a horrible flu, congestion, fever, hacking cough, headache. I'm purely exhausted.

This immense grief in tearing at my soul. Huge pieces of me are missing since losing my two brothers and Shannon was not just my SIL... She was as much to me as Leo and Ziggy. She took care of Leo... Nothing stopped her from caring for my brother all these years. She committed to him in every way and NEVER let him down and always put him first.

I can't take this heartache tonight. I think shock is wearing off both for Leo gone in May then Shannon in September.

I'm sorry for complaining, for I know I have more than many here... My husband and son and grandsons.

My heart is just feeling very fragile and shattered. :(

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Oh, my dear Mary,

I am so sorry you are having this burst of pain. I cannot begin to know how much you are going through with everything that has happened in your life over these last months. I do know that all the "emotions, tears, sobs, heart wrenching pain, and guilt" that you are feeling are all part of your grief. As hard as it is, if you allow these times to happen and just be with all your feelings you will continue to heal. Your body is reacting to the trauma that it has gone through when you say that you are "knocked down" with even more physical pain. I think that is a sign that you just have to be even more gentle with yourself and allow those in your family to take care of you as they have been doing. Keep reaching out to your family and let them know what you need. And come here and let us sit with you during these very sad times.

I miss Shannon. She was a very dear part of our family here on the forum.

When you express yourself and allow us to be part of your journey that is NOT complaining - it is healing.

Love and peace to you.

Anne

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Yes you have many there but that doesn't help the loss you are feeling for those you are missing. I'm sorry you're going through the flu now too on top of everything else. I just hope you will stop getting bad things happen and start getting some brighter days ahead. We care about you and all you are going through. It does seem hard to believe that Shannon is gone. These are the early days of disbelief and pain, makes us want to wrap our arms around you.

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Dear Mary,

I am so sorry these days are hitting you so hard in so many ways all at once. I don't think it matters how many people who love us are around—the ones who are no longer here are missed and their presence is missed so much, and there is no other person who can fill those empty places in our hearts.

I hope you can find a few minutes of peace somehow in the midst of so much grief and pain from the surgery. Thank you for coming here and sharing with us, and letting us know how you are doing. None of it is whining. It is sharing and healing, and something we all must do. I am grateful we have each other and this place to come and share and heal.

Blessings, dear Mary,

*<twinkles>*

fae

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Anne, Kay, Fae...

Thank you for hearing me.

I'm still in tears tonight. I fought so hard to make Shannon want to fight. I know she didn't want to because she seemed to have left when Leo passed May 29th. I knew that. I felt that. I heard that in her. I saw that in her.

But she had so much more to live here for. Friends and family who loved her. And Leo, her Mother, her Nana... In Heaven who would not want to have her give up.

I begged her to fight. Her brother begged her to fight.

I'm angry. Not at her. Not at Leo. Not at anyone. Just the injustice.

:(

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Dear Mary,

I have no wise words that will console you but I do have ears that are open to your deep pain. We can be here with you around this fire and hold your hand and let you know that you are being heard. I have to catch myself many times because I hear that WHY ME? scream at me and I know we do not have the answer to that question. Some are asked to carry more pain and all we can do is the best we can do - nothing more. You have been given a great deal of pain in your young life and I just know that you will carry that pain with all your strength.

How is your knee? I hope that the physical pain is easing somewhat. You are very brave and I believe that you will be given the strength to heal - it is a long journey, dear Mary. You are not alone.

Peace and Love,

Anne

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Oh Mary,

I hear your pain and feel it in your words. I wish there was something I could offer you that would alleviate it even the least bit. :( I know, life isn't fair! When I was young, our parents bent over backwards to treat us fairly. It was a rude awakening to go to school and discover the world wasn't fair. It's been a rude awakening ever since.

I send you big hugs and pray your physical problems are healing and the pain subsiding some. Thinking of you, always...

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