Losing Someone And Being Emotionless

[widower]

After losing my beloved a few years ago, it tore me apart. I cried every day for about a year, despite not being much of a "cryer" (and even then I think mostly stopped due to meds). Frankly I still struggle with it. But just recently I lost my sister and have barely had any emotion about it at all. Granted we weren't close but she was a truly good person, it's not like we had any anger between us/etc. Just wondering if anyone else has gone through something similar and how it played out. My guess is perhaps I'm "worn out" from grieving my initial loss, but then if that's true, why do I still struggle with that and mourn for her, where I'm doing it hardly at all for my own sister? I'm not exactly proud of this.

[MartyT]

My friend, I doubt very much if your reaction to your sister’s death is because you are “worn out” from grieving the loss of your beloved. How we react to any death depends on a number of factors, including the nature of your relationship with the person who died, how the death happened, the support system you have available, your own past experience with loss, your individual personality and your particular spiritual and cultural background. You say you weren’t particularly close to your sister, so it could be that you’ve already grown accustomed to her absence in your life ~ whereas (as you say) losing your beloved tore you apart. It’s not so much that you’re “worn out” from grieving the loss of your beloved so much as you’re not finished with it, and you still have grief work to do. If you’ve read any of the posts on this site, you already know that grief is not something you “get over” or “finish.” Rather, it is something you learn to live with and carry with you over time ~ a lifetime, as a matter of fact. You say that whatever meds you’re taking may have stopped you from crying, but you’re still struggling with this. It’s also true that current losses can reawaken thoughts and feelings about our past losses, even if we thought we had put such thoughts and feelings to rest, so this death of your sister may be aggravating the grief you’re already grappling with. If you find that whatever you’re doing is not working for you, I urge you to schedule a few sessions with a grief counselor ~ someone who can help you sort all of this out and come to a better understanding of your own reactions.

[Guest babylady]

i'm a very emotional person. i cry easily. even before john passed i cried at sad movies. i cried when my granddaughter's aunt died and i didn't even know her. when ted kennedy died i could barely speak. since john is gone it's worse. i cry constantly.

i've been estranged from my youngest sister for about 8 months. i wonder if i would cry if i found out she died. i guess i would -- not because i like her but for my nieces and their children.

i wish i didn't have emotions. if i could take a pill that would take them away i would.

i'm crying now.

arlene

[widower]

I appreciate both of your replies. Marty, of all the factors you mentioned, most are the same, and therefore not likely a factor w/this. The obvious exception is that we weren't close, but again it's not like we had heated disagreements/etc...and for crying out loud she was my sister. Yes I'm well aware grief isn't something you 'get over' (in fact I've pointed this out to others). And it's not aggravating my pre-existing grief, as it's not like that got worse. It was there before, still there now, not esp different. All good thoughts though, don't get me wrong. I don't know. Something I'll have to figure out I guess. Just very odd, and frankly frustrating.

[marsha]

Widower- I'd like to answer as well. Because I know what you're saying. I've had family members, friends die in the 5 years since Joe died. I am saddened, I cry for them, I think of them - but, and this is a big but, there seems to be a level of grieving that's just at a certain level and that's it. It's not that I'm unfeeling, it's just - different. And disconcerting as well. To put it further, sometimes it's like, in my head, we all die and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Ugh. I hope you get, somewhat, what I'm trying to say...

[widower]

Thx Marsha. I'm afraid my "stoic-ness" is much more extreme though. I haven't cried for her, not mourning for her, not even really thinking of her esp more these days. It's annoying, puzzling, and shameful. Hopefully it'll be something I figure out..

[MartyT]

Widower, you may find this beautiful piece by author and philosopher Tom Attig to be of some help: Holiday Sorrows and Precious Gifts ♥

An excerpt:

I have long held that at its heart grief challenges us to move from loving in presence to loving in separation. As we grieve, we relearn the world of our experience, one filled with things, places, events, other people, and aspects of our selves that painfully remind us of separation from those we mourn. We struggle to relearn how to be "at home" in the world again (soul work) and to reshape our daily lives and stretch into new and unexpected chapters of our life stories (spirit work).

A key to reaching through this sorrow and doing the hard work of grieving is realizing that we often miss our loved ones most in encounters with exactly the same aspects of our world where we can, potentially, feel most connected with them. We need only shift our attention away from the pain of separation and see that connection. Kahil Gibran said it well when he wrote, "When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." We meet not only sorrow but our loved ones' souls and spirits in the things, places, food and music, and social settings they have touched and left behind. And we meet them in aspects of ourselves that are like, or have been influenced by, them - our motivations, dispositions, desires, interests, preferences, values, behaviors, habits, souls, and spirits.