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Is Grief Ever Really Resolved?


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Didn't want to hijack Linda's thread - so I thought I'd throw this out there. My thoughts? In some way, shape, or form, it isn't. Not really. I'm not where I was, but I'm definitely in a different place. I've found myself again, pretty much, I just don't know what to do with her, lol. And the whole thing about integrating it into your life? Well, yeah. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. So, thoughts?

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Hi my friend, just getting off work, yes on thanksgiving, sad to say. No turkey here, no family, no heat (may have to give in and turn it on tonite) You of all people pretty much know what my response is... I've not found a way to live much less intergrate. Again, I 'm not a good example of surviving this loss. It still hurts, maybe a little duller but it still can bring me to my knees. The life I had with Larry is so drastically different than life today, thats whats so hard to cope with. The kindness, love, acceptance, support, encouragement, laughter has completely been removed from my existence. Sorry this sounds so miserable, I just finished 5 hrs. on the phone as customer service and the public has lost its mind. So very tired. Love and comfort to you Marsha, my friend.

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No, it's never really resolved, not by my way of looking at it. We can adjust, even get used to it, but life is nothing like it was and the missing them goes on and on. At least if they were special, like ours were. Life today seems so quiet, alone, with not as much to look forward to, not as much incentive. My purpose is to survie and take care of my dog and cats. Where is the laughter and family times we used to have?

Deborah, I'm sorry you have to deal with people and esp. this time of year, yeah, I'm sure the public has gone nuts. Turn your heat on. Have you tried to apply for LIEAP assistance? (Low Income Energy Assistance Program) They usually assist with paying a certain amount once a year towards your heat bill. Anything helps. I called our local one but they were out the first day, said to try back Dec.2 so I will. My mom got help several times when she was living on her own. If you don't know who to call, try Senior Services or your local utility company, they should have a phone no. to call.

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Lovely drawing. She is talented.

No it can't be resolved in my opinion. My loss is so enormous, the change in my life is so massive, that I can never have again the love, companionship and support I had for fifty years. Survival is what I aim for and Pete would be proud at how I'm surviving. Happiness will never be mine but I hope I may have some moments of joy, usually because of our little grand daughters. I get satisfaction form being able to help our daughter (a single mother). Yesterday, because I am giving her enough money to pay for a crèche weekly at the gym she was able to have two hours off, swimming and then having a coffee and a cake. To be able to help her gave me pleasure. But I will never get over the loss of Pete and my life now is diminished so drastically it is almost unbearable sometimes. But I know there is no alternative but to carry on. This sounds a rather negative posting but here we tell it like it is don't we?

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This is a good question, "is grief ever resolved?" I believe it depends on what we mean by 'resolved' grief. If we mean we arrive at a place where we no longer feel pain/sadness regarding our loss; that grief triggers disappear; or that we no longer miss the person we lost or even the life we had, then, no, I do not think grief is ever resolved.

But that is not my definition of resolved grief. When Bill died 3 years ago, I had to come to terms with this question. First I believe we have a choice about our lives and about being happy. Choosing to be happy means defining what that means for each of us and then making it happen. For me, it has always included having meaning and inner peace in my life. With those, I would consider myself happy. I see resolved grief as coming to a place of peace and acceptance of our loss. In a sense we have surrendered to the reality of it and are in the process of creating or have created a life for ourselves that includes and even embraces the pain of our loss but which is not controlled by that pain or loss. Resolved grief does not control us. With resolved grief we no longer look at the world or life through eyes that are completely fogged over with grief, fogged so heavily that it blinds us and prevents us from seeing and experiencing joy. Instead we walk with grief in one hand and gratitude and joy in the other. Oh, yes, we feel it but feeling the sorrow of grief is very different that having it consciously color every hour or way too many hours of our days. Instead grief sits rather quietly in our hearts and souls. It becomes a source of compassion and growth. We become wise and soft. We let go of expectations and hang on to hope. We live in gratitude for what we had and embrace a quiet peace. We continue to grow and transform as a result of a great loss but we are at peace with it, and about it even though it continues to hurt; we no longer fight its reality; and yet we continue to miss the person we love.

I believe that living in our death phobic society makes it more difficult to resolve grief because our society is all about being happy all the time and that too often means denying pain and grief. It is in being able to share our feelings about our loss/es and in having the support we need (such as the support/sharing we find here with people open to talking, sharing and supporting each other) that resolving grief becomes a possibility. It is also necessary (for most people, in my opinion) to educate ourselves about grief by reading and/or participating in grief counseling sessions if needed.

Making the choice to walk into our pain instead of around it or instead of suppressing helps us arrive at a place of peace and acceptance of our loss; a place where our stomachs are no longer in knots, where we sleep at night, have created a life for ourselves that is meaningful, and where we allow ourselves to feel the pain of our loss without allowing it to control our lives. I call that resolution or resolved grief.

I wish each of us peace...and yes, meaning in our lives,

Mary

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Mary, my dear, your post inspired me to look up the dictionary definition of the word "resolve," and it certainly fits with the wisdom in your message.

I agree with you completely that the answer to this important question all depends on what we mean by "resolved grief," and I really like what you've said about having a choice.

Resolve is a verb ~ an action word ~ and according to Merriam-Webster, it means

: to find an answer or solution to (something) : to settle or solve (something)

: to make a definite and serious decision to do something

: to make a formal decision about something usually by a vote

I believe that grief can be an active rather than a passive process. We often say here that we are never really "finished" with our grief; what happens over time is that we learn how to carry it, and with a lot of work and effort (including the support of others here who've "been there and done that") we also learn ways to manage it better. That, I think, is one of the most valuable aspects of having and keeping this special place available to all of us.

Thank you once again for sharing your hard-won wisdom with us, Mary

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Okay, I stand corrected then.

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Yes, Marty. I also looked up the word "resolve" but not until after I wrote my response...I got curious also. And yes, choice is absolutely at the root of resolution. I made a decision at Bill's funeral. I remember the moment.... that I was going to deal with this loss by being pro-active i.e. do things and make choices that would allow me to heal and find meaning and peace. At the time most of me did not think or even believe it was possible but I was determined. I could not imagine feeling less pain someday than I felt in the first many months...even well into year two...which was so difficult. But slowly, ever so slowly, by my determination to heal and by the choices I made and with the support of people here and my friends here in the village and elsewhere coupled with reading book after book, seeing a grief counselor in Madison and joining a Hospice support group...I am on the other side of that impossible to climb mountain. Yes, I have days when I hurt....deeply hurt. Days when I see another smaller mountain in this range. Holidays are difficult as are others and grief triggers still come. But as I said to Chris, we learn how to handle all of that...and as you said, Marty with a "lot of work and effort" we can do it. Is it the same life? No way. Impossible. It is a new life and even a new way of being but I feel my grief is resolved...i.e. solved, settled. I truly do accept Bill's death, and feel grateful for what we had, and live in peace. I think the word 'expectations' plays a huge role for me also. I have no expectation that pain goes away. I know I will hurt until I see him again. It is ok that I hurt. I also have the expectation that healing is mine as long as I remain "active" as Marty said. It is an active process.

Kay, it is not a matter of you standing corrected. In my opinion it is all about how we define healing and resolve....and what we do to follow up. I pulled out Frankl's book after watching Oprah interview Wheeler's who lost their child at Sandy Hook last year. It is all about finding meaning in our lives. That has been my goal from day one.

Mary

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Mary - yes. Good thoughts, for sure. Please forgive me, though, that I feel like I'm being hit with a soft pillow over the head. I've done pretty much all of what you've talked about. I get it. I'm not a victim, nor do I think of myself as such. I do find that, after and during these past 5 1/2 years, as new situations come up, I have to dig deep within yet again and translate it into how I feel, now. It's a learning experience over and over again. If I could set myself, my mind up to forging forward, in a positive manner, all the time, I'd do it. It's not that easy for me. Maybe this is just life after widowhood - a lot of it probably is, I know that.

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Oh, Marsha, I would never call you a victim nor would I hit you with a soft pillow or with anything. I removed the statement that said I did not want to be a victim because I fear someone else may hear it in a way it was not intended...poor choice and poorly worded on my part. I think grief is totally unique to each person and I know it takes a long time. You have had much to deal with and I agree totally with you. It is a learning experience over and over again . It is draining and when one loss is complicated by other losses on top of that one and other difficult events in life, it makes the journey all the more challenging and all the more difficult and even longer. Yes, you do have to dig deep and keep on keeping on. I know if I had another big loss since or even now, I would also have to dig deep and work hard to heal again...and again and I would do it but with challenges and work. I think of my aging Bentley and the thought of losing him in the next few years and wonder how hard that will hit me in view of his being the only living link between Bill and me and of how much he means to me. Some members here have had multiple losses or losses complicated by painful events that follow...it is a tough journey and believe me I have shed my tears and still do. We can not judge each other. I have worked harder at this than anything in my life to get to where I am and I still struggle many days...

I think the fact that you are here and what you have shared tells me you are in no way a victim, that you are doing your grief work and dealing with it all and in time...unique to you...I just believe you can heal. That is all I was trying to say....we can heal...we can resolve our grief. I apologize if my response came across as saying anything other than that.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

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Good Answers...of course Marty and Mary are already ahead of us all...LOL that's why they lead...anyway

here are my thoughts...

re·solved

ri'zälvd,-'zôlvd/

adjective

adjective: resolved

1.firmly determined to do something.

"Constance was resolved not to cry"

synonyms: determined, hell-bent, intent, set More

"he was resolved to marry her"

Yes, according to the definition, but we must want to resolve our "Grief"...

I have chosen to see positive energy from the loss of Ruth, I'm so sad some days but then again I was sad watching her battle the pain and discomfort she was in.

I have come to terms as I am resolved to not let Grief control and destroy me, I will cry, I will feel empty, and I will always miss her but I will continue to live this new journey and she will always be with me gently allowing me to feel her presence, in a warm breeze and all the memories that will forever be embedded in my mind...

NATS

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This is a good thread, and I am getting a lot from reading each post. Marty and Mary, both of you are very wise, and I so appreciate the way you explain resolving grief. We will never be over the grief we feel for our great loss, but we can determine to be as peaceful and happy in the remaining years that we have, as we are able. That is the key, I think, "As we are able". We are each different people, and each of us will approach our grief in different ways, and not all ways will work for everyone. Some of us are surrounded by family and friends, some of us are more alone, and I believe all of this factors into our grief, and our ability to cope with grief. Happy probably has a new definition for us now, and for me, any happy is also edged with sadness of remembering when Mike was here to share the happiness.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Dear friends,

Anyone who does not believe in synergy need only look to these three posts this morning. I wrote mine offline and therefore had not seen the other two before I posted it. Then I read what Mary and Marty say here and shake my head in wonder. As always, they say far better--and in far fewer words--what I have wrestled with in my recent absence. Hard as it is, we have to embrace the pain before we can really begin to understand it and how to resolve it.

But to say the thing is different from the actual work of doing it. For me, at least, sometimes doing the work requires extended periods of solitude and other times requires extended periods with other folks who are going through the same things. I am not sure where I am today--I seem to be emerging from the latest cocoon in my process, but may just be poking my head out long enough to discover what the weather is like.

And all of it is very much complicated by the other factors in each of our lives: our health, the health of those around us, how well situated we are materially, our relationships with our families…and ten thousand other factors.

OK. Officially maundering and not saying anything truly useful. I have to go get ready for my semi-annual trip to the primary care doctor to have the oil and timing checked.

Peace,

Harry

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Harry, I so agree with you...solitude is a big piece of healing. How can we know where we are, what we feel, what matters, and more if we are always in the noise of a TV, other people, etc. I have a lot of solitude in my life and I know it has helped with healing. I know you choose solitude also and yes, being with those who get it...that matters a lot..hence the value of this site also.

Wherever you are...in the cocoon or peeking out, your presence here is always appreciated.

Peace,

mary

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