Dad's Cancer Spread

[MSS]

Hello, my name's Antonio. Let me start from the beginning. Almost 2 years ago, my granda had gotten sick. They had no idea what it was, we even took him to Cleveland Clinic. He had stroke like symptoms, couldn't walk, talk. He was the best man I'd ever met. He was always polite and loved his family more than anything. He caught pneumonia and passed Jan 17, 2012.

About 6 months later, my dad was diagnosed with tonsil cancer. He went though treatment and it was completely eliminated. Around 3 months after that, it came back. Not in his tonsil, but his lung. 4 tumors, 2 in each lung. They started treatment again and radiation. They started working pretty well. Well, in April this year my dad said my grandma was sick. Well, I remember walking into that room the day before she died. She smiled, I kissed her on the cheek, then left a few hours later. The next day I went out for breakfast with a friend of my parent's. When I came back I asked where they were and he said they'd be back soon. When the arrived I went outside and saw a bag in my dad's hand. It was her purse with her journals and such in it. He hugged me and said that she had died that night. They think it was a heart attack. That was April 8, 2013. Nothing much happened over summer.

A week ago, my dad went to the hospital for syncope and symptoms related. They did a bunch of tests, and all came back negative. They figured it was the scar tissue from radiation and surgery pressing on his carotid. Well they put in a pacemaker to make sure his heartrate didn't go below 60 and blood pressure medicine.

Saturday, he got a call from his oncologist saying his cancer's back in his tonsil. The chemo for the past two months did nothing, it grew large and that's what was pressing on his artery. At this point, radiation would only hurt him. Surgery is apparently out of mind, and chemo could mess him up. The only thing left is the genetics therapy. Which is either a complete cure, or failure. He has to fly to New York for the treatment even if they find that it can be cured with that therapy. I'm only 23, I can't let my dad die. I'm not sure if I can take this after 2 losses already...it just depresses me. Thinking about him not being able to ever meet his grand kids terrifies me...

[enna]

Antonio, I am so sorry to hear that you lost your grandpa and your grandma in such a short period of time and now to be faced with your Dad's cancer coming back. It seems like you have a lot on your plate right now. I shall keep you in my prayers.

Anne

[mfh]

Dear Antonio,

I am so very sorry that you have lost both of your grandparents and in such a short time and now you are faced with the possible loss of your father. It is understandable that you are feeling frightened and sad and that you are looking ahead to a future that he might possibly miss.

I am glad you found this site as you will be surrounded here by people who understand grief and who will listen and reach out to you and support you in the months ahead. I am wondering if you have someone to talk to about these losses. Do you have other family members who can share this load and listen to you? It is quite a lot for a young man to handle alone. I would like to suggest that you contact your local Hospice if there is one nearby as they usually have support groups available for those who are grieving.

Do let us know more about the situation so that we can support you with caring and information as you walk through this painful chapter of your life. There are many articles that can provide information that is helpful at http://www.griefhealingblog.com One of them on cumulative losses is at http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/coping-with-cumulative-losses.html

Please do consider keeping in touch here and let us know about the support you have or do not have as you go through this.

Peace,

Mary

[MSS]

I still have my mother and her whole side. Along with caring sisters

[mfh]

Thank you for responding, Antonio. Are you able to talk to your mom and sisters or other relatives...open up and share your feelings and fears with them? You described your sisters as caring, so I am led to believe you are able to share your pain.

Others from these discussion groups will also be responding to you as they log on and you will find that we all are dealing with loss and grief and are extremely willing to support you and provide a safe place for you to share your feelings, pain, fears and more. Do you wish to share a bit more about yourself?

Peace,

Mary

[MartyT]

My dear Antonio, let me add my voice to Anne's and Mary's in expressing my sympathy for the deaths of your beloved grandparents ~ and I'm so sorry to learn of your dad's very serious illness. I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel in the face of all this loss.

You say you cannot let your dad die, and the thought of his not being here to see his grandchildren terrifies you. That is what happens to us when we learn such devastating news: we come face to face with what little control we have over such things, and the thought of living your life without your dad is indeed terrifying. You are discovering firsthand what anticipatory grief is all about. Such grief begins as soon as you learned of your dad's diagnosis, and it is just as real as any other type of grief.

I hope you will take Mary's advice and do some further reading about this, because doing so will help you better understand what you are feeling and why, and will give you some helpful suggestions on what you can do to manage your own reactions. I also hope that you will find ways to make the most of whatever time you can have with your father.

Here are some resources that I think you and your family members will find useful:

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living

When Cancer Strikes: What to Say, What to Do, How to Help

Sooner or Later: Restoring Sanity to Your End of Life Care

[feralfae]

Dear Antonio,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of two people so close to you and whom you loved dearly. That is a terrible blow, especially coming so close together.

I am terribly sorry to hear of the return of your Dad's cancer. I am sorry you are facing this new possibility of loss, and the times ahead as you all hold each other together through the genetics therapy.

I am glad to hear you have a loving family around you to help you go through this time, as I know you are helping them. Marty has made some really good suggestions on reading and getting more understanding on what you are going through emotionally, as well as what your mother and sisters and your mother's family.

By coming here, and sharing here, and reading some of the readings, you will have better tools to make it through this time and perhaps even to help the rest of your family.

Please let us know how things are going, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Blessings,

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[kayc]

Antonio,

I am so sorry to hear of all of the losses you've sustained, and now your dad's cancer reoccurence. I'm glad you still have your mom and sisters so you aren't alone in what you are going through. We are all hoping with you for a good outcome. Although you are only 23, you seem well grounded, value family, knowing what's important. I pray you are a blessing to your dad and family. One of the things that has helped me in my grief journey is trying to stay in the present and not take on tomorrow...it can seem overwhelming. It helps to vocalize what you're feeling too, and you're able to do that here.

My heart goes out to you,

thoughts and prayers,

Kay

[MSS]

He started a new chemo. He's not feeling very good. Supposed to be going to NY in a month to maybe start bio therapy. All I can do is hope that they say that there's a drug for his gene. He said that he had a dream where that happened, it cheered me up with the though and knowing he's still optimistic. I just keep getting these feelings back from when his parent's passed. I've always gotten these feelings when something was about to happen, which I've been getting. Mght just be that pessimistic attitude trying to control me. Thanks everyone for your care and prayers

[mfh]

Dear Antonio,

It is indeed a positive thing that your dad seems hopeful and that possibly there are still some treatments that will help. It is a difficult situation, and painful and frightening to say the least. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers as is your whole family.

Are you still able to share your feelings with your family?

Glad to see you here. You are not alone. We are here for you.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

I hope with you, that the dream comes true. It's a good sign that he remains optimistic. A person's will can play a big part in their health...my MIL had liver & bone cancer and they gave her three weeks...she lived nearly three more years! Her will played a big part in her getting to have more time to watch her grandchildren grow.

[MSS]

Not much has happened, but I just wanted to say that this odd dream I had. So, I remember talking to my dad on the phone in the dream. We were discussing good times and when I was young. We start discussing his cancer, then I get flashes of the doctor telling me that it metastasized to his brain and it wouldn't be worth it to carry on with the treatment. Meanwhile, my dad's still talking to me about the vacation's we've taken and the jokes he's told. Suddenly I lose connection and look down at the phone. It says "Line Dead". I break down crying and wake up. That image haunts me.

[mfh]

That is a tough dream to wake up with, my friend. I am sorry. I am sure it is difficult to get that image out of your mind. I find when I have dreams that are tough, writing them down helps sometimes...kind of gets them out of your mind and on to paper. I also think that talking to people here and/or your family might help since we frequently dream about what we repress during the day. Don't hesitate to log on and share your feelings here...it might help with the dreams as well as life itself.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

That had to be really hard. While dreams may seem nonsensical at time, they do have a way of expressing our inner feelings and concerns.

[MSS]

Hey everyone. Thanks for the support. Just a little update. My Dad's tumor in his neck is spreading and it's resisting treatment. If it spreads further it'll kill him. If we do radiation, it'll kill him. He's decided to stop treatment. I believe we're getting Hospice Care. Now it's just morbid waiting game from life.

[feralfae]

Thank you for the update.

I am so sorry that you must go through this time. Please know that we are here with you, holding you in our hearts. My Doug made a decision to stop any more treatment as well. We knew every day together was a blessing, and it was so very wonderful to be able to share our love with each other and with others during the days after Doug began hospice.

Each day, each hour, each minute is now a time to fill each other's hearts with the blessings of loving each other. Each moment is a gift. A simple gift of love.

Blessings and know that we are here with you.

Peace to your heart through this time.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[mfh]

Dear Antonio,

Thank you for the update. I am so very sorry to learn that your Dad's cancer has spread and that you are all facing the reality of his death. Getting Hospice in is a wise move as they will help you in unbelievable ways. I know these are such difficult days especially in light of the losses you and your family have experienced so recently. Do keep us informed and know that we are here for you as you walk through this. Take care of yourself these days.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

I am sorry you both find yourselves in this situation. My mom has stage 3 Lewy Bodies Dementia and Leukemia, so she is also on Hospice. At this point she just wants to die, it is hard to know what to say to her, I just told her it'll just be a few more months or so, but meanwhile, I have all of these mixed feelings. I want my mom out of her misery but at the same time, it's hard to let go. I do want what's best for her though.

Mary's advice to take care of yourself is right on, you can't be of help to your dad unless you first take care of yourself, that's something any caretaker has learned. Sometimes that's hard when we're stretched so thin. My heart and prayers are with you, I know this is a difficult time to go through.

[enna]

My heart goes out to you, Antonio. I am so sorry to hear this latest news about your Dad's cancer spreading. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad that you will have a hospice to guide you. I had hospice for my husband and they were my angels here on earth. They will care for not only your father but also you and your family. I am sorry that you have to go through this. Our parents are so special and it is such a special ache to have them be in poor health.

Anne