Why?

[LarrysGirl]

I know that every time I post here its depressing. Marty or Mary feel free to delete this if needed.

I Miss so badly the smell of a Christmas tree but can't bring myself to do that. I've been given a few small artificial trees and decided I would make myself put one up. Yesterday, I opened the closet where our ornaments and decorations stay, I can barely look inside but grabbed a few things to put on a little tree. You have to understand that I am running on empty energy wise. So I set the little tree up, a few ornaments, mostly ones remembering Larry with his name on them, one Dallas cowboy his team and a couple of beagle angels for my lost beagles Kasey and Lucas. It took everything I had to do this.

This morning I came down and it had fallen, shattered ornaments on the floor.... I am under so much stress trying to keep utilities on, food, Maggie needs to go back to vet, etc etc I just don't understand WHY?????

[mfh]

My dear Deborah,

First of all, I would not delete your post because you are experiencing and expressing your sadness and feeling of being just overwhelmed with life, with Christmas and with finances. We have all stood in that place and expressed pain here and that is a good part of why we are all here. I understand your desire to have that smell of a tree in the house and I am just so sorry after using what little energy you had left to put one up, that it fell and broke precious ornaments. I wish I had answers for the big "why" question. I do not. What I do have is compassion. You are just so laden with stress. I have to applaud you pushing yourself to get a tree up. I think it is a sign that hope is still alive even under these circumstances. Even if it is a flicker, it is there. We are all here for you and you are not alone. I know when I was at my lowest, knowing everyone here was here for me, helped even though it did not solve the problems I was facing. I had more courage because I knew someone understood and heard me. I do understand and I do hear you. I send you a huge (((((hug))))) today and wish I had a magic wand...as I know you do also.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[enna]

Dear Deborah,

When I first read your post I had to leave and have a good cry. Your struggle never seems to end yet you move forward very bravely even though there is much pain.

I am so sorry that the little tree you put up fell and some of the precious ornaments broke. I am so sorry that you are struggling with so many things right now. If I could take all this away from you I would.

I dislike that word “WHY” and can’t understand its even being in a dictionary! There is no answer and many times we need an answer.

These days are hard and we know that we have to take them one day at a time.

This place we come to offers us some solace in knowing that we are being heard.

You remain in my thoughts and I send you hugs. I think so many of us could use a magic wand during these days. Know that you are being heard.

Anne

[mik]

I read your post. I am so sorry that you awoke to have your tree fall and ornaments broken. How disappointed and sad that must have made you feel! You make an effort to move forward and it seems as though you get shoved back again. Perhaps it not quite time for the tree just yet. Being overwhelmed with your financial situation, your pet's care, and grief just deplete all of your energy. Then add the holidays that are hectic for just about everyone...and everyone is happy.. just throws salt into the wound! I wish I could give you words that would comfort you at this time..there are very few...just remember he is with you in spirit, and if your not ready for the tree..its ok. Life seems to work in cycles...and yours will turn to the positive soon..I am sure of that. Hang in there...hugs to you.

[LarrysGirl]

Thank you Anne and Mary. Anne, when I read you cried, that made me cry, but it lifted me up a little. I don't even feel heard by the people around me, actually just the opposite. They are so tired of my grief and depression, they get angry at me. Larry's mother keeps telling me I'm bringing all this on myself???? my son that still lives here, the situation frustrates him to the point of anger at me. I just keep quiet, talk to my dog and hang on. I surely am not choosing this for my life. So much change when Larry died and I've never been able to get on top of it again to breathe. thanks for replying on this grey day. Deborah

[mfh]

Deborah, I must apologize for address my post to Karen. I knew I was writing to you but somehow Karen must have been in the back of my mind. I apologize and have changed it. I wonder, since everyone around you seems angry, if there is a grief support group nearby...at Hospice or a church or a hospital...a place where you can be heard in person in addition to all of us loving you and hearing you...and believe me no one here is complaining about your posts. WE care and we have all been where you are in some way, shape or form.

Peace,

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Deborah, so very sorry about the tree and the loss of the ornaments. Wish there was something to say to make you feel better. All I can say is that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and a big {hug} is coming your way from me. Mary is right, we have all been where you are in some form or another, and do understand and hear you.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[KarenK]

Deborah,

I'm so sorry to hear that your little tree toppled & especially that some of your most treasured ornaments were broken. Like you, I debated with myself over whether I was even going to put up my tiny tree. I have so many treasured decorations from all our many years of collecting. I reluctantly sold almost half of them, knowing I would probably never again have need of them. I still retained 20 large boxes of stuff. Selling things like that is like carving a little more away from a heart that is already severely damaged, but I do what I must to survive. I doubt there will be a Christmas in my future where I will be putting up a large real tree again. Despite all that, I put up my tiny tree surrounded by small ceramic angels & my 2 large angels which sit out year round & I hung a wreath inside on the back door. That's it for me. I decided I was going to try & enjoy the holiday as best I could & I told Ron that as I put up the tree.

"Why" is a mind boggling word. For some "whys", there are easy answers, causes & effects, & for some there are none. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but as far back as I can remember, long before Ron died, my life has followed the pattern of "no good deed goes unpunished". After a while, I just learned to accept these things. Not all of them, mind you, just some. I guess it's just life's way of letting you know that you really aren't in charge of any given situation. I have yet to figure out WHO is.

As an afterthought.........When I finished my meager decorating, which I thought was a positive event for me, my washer decided for some reason to leak water all over my utility room, which was definitely not a positive event. Inconvenient, but easy to remedy with a few old towels. Have a repair appt. set up which fortunately is covered under maintenance agreement. The bright spot is that I had finished my laundry.

I am not making light of your sadness & disappointment. I know that when we are desperately trying to heal from the grievous wound which we have each received, that everything else unfortunate that happens to us is magnified as we now face it alone.

Karen

[kayc]

I think all of us have asked "why" at times...I quit asking as it seemed futile, I never got an answer anyway. But I surely understand how you're feeling. You can always talk to us, any time, and the suggestion about a grief support group is a good one, if you have the time and one is nearby. There's nothing like that near me and I never had time to drive the 100 mile round trip to one in the nearest city.

What is going on with your dog? Did you ever try Probiotics for him? Did you see the link I sent you a while back? Arlie was always getting sick until I put him on Probios Dispersible Powder. The first couple of times I got it at the vet but then discovered a cheaper rate on Amazon for same thing in larger container. He has not had a messed up system since! I mix pumpkin, yogurt, and a can of dogfood, give him a little bit mixed in with 1 tsp of Probios pwdr, he thinks it's a treat and it keeps him healthy and happy. Sure is cheaper than vet bills and special diets!

As for the ornaments, I am so sorry! I guess all you can do is vacuum them up and keep going. It's hard whenever we lose any piece of the person or dog that we lost, and that includes things that evoke precious memories. If you mail me a picture of your husband and your dogs, I can mount them on chipboard, back them, and then cut them with an ornament die, ready to hang on your tree! Are you interested in trying the Probios, if I mailed you some?

[MartyT]

Very dear Deborah, I hope you know by now that nothing you can say here would be considered "too depressing" ~ If we cannot be honest here with what we are thinking and feeling, then where else can we be? That is the very reason we are here!

My heart hurts for you, and I hope it helps to know that we all are here with you in spirit, just as I know your precious Larry is here with you, too. We can't take away your pain, but we certainly do understand it, and we are more than willing to help you carry it. ♥

[teny]

dear deborah

hellow my far away friend im sorry for your hard time .I do not have the the gourage to decorate and have all the memories coming .Hollydays are hard being alone.Im thinking of you. and send you love from far away Tenyl

[HAP]

Dear Deborah,

I am so sorry to hear this. I know what it takes to put up a tree in a time of grief. Had I not promised Jane there would always be a tree at Christmas, I am not sure i would have faced putting one up. Even now, there are ornaments I have not hung.

And if it all fell over I am not sure I could stand it. Consider yourself hugged very strongly--and as many times as you need.

Peace,

Harry

[LarrysGirl]

Well thank you Harry, I was about to lose it yesterday when I saw it laying on the floor. I'll take about a dozen hugs if you don't mind! Can't think of the last time I was hugged actually, sad to say. Thank you, Deborah

[feralfae]

Oh, Dear Deborah, I am sorry to be late posting here.

Please consider yourself {{{HUGGED}}} by me as well. I am so sorry for your terrible times. There are still so many things I cannot do, but today, taking a short stroll outside has become not one of the things I cannot do.

But I cannot put up a tree yet, although I walked our forest of selections. Dear Heart, you are not ready yet for so many things, and as much as you are able, I hope you can gently allow yourself not to be able to do some things yet. Your hands are more than full with everything else.

I join everyone here in wishing you peace, easier days, and that more good things begin to show up in your life today. I have not felt moved to fling much fairy dust lately, but from snowy Montana comes this flinging, loaded with

*blessings, *love, *compassion, *caring, *lovingkindness,*healing energy, *strength, and *joy, all of which was gathered up from others of our Tribe, right here around this fire.

Please be here with us when you can, and let us know how you are doing, how things are going, and be with us through this very tough season. We are all holding each other together right now, through these holidays. I hold you in my heart, dear one. I send you thoughts of peace.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[LarrysGirl]

Heading to bed, I thank you all for holding me close. Thank you feralfae I'll take any peace I can get. I have to say I can feel it tonite, the love and care and I appreciate you all so much! Love, Deborah

[enna]

That is the magic of this place, dear Deborah. Everyone cares for one another. Our emotions are often so fragile that we need the support.

I'll carry you in my heart as you go through your week. Come here often because it is a healing place. Anne

[WaltC]

Dear Deborah,

Never forget the Love of Larry! And always remember the good friends that you have here. Your posts never depress me, they let me know that someone else feels the same way I do, even nine years after our loss.

Walt C.

[WaltC]

Sorry, I forgot those hugs (((((Deborah))))) x 12.

[enna]

I am thinking of you tonight, Deborah, and wishing you peace during these holidays. Those of us grieving know that the pain is just a little more intense during these special times. I send hugs to you. Anne

[LarrysGirl]

Oh Walt, thanks for the many hugs! You and I have walked through a lot of pain together and I thank you for letting me share my Larry, Deborah