What Is Happening To Me?

[Dawnie350]

Hello anybody, this is my first time at this so might be a bit wobbly. It's another of those unwanted first that are thrown at you when someone you love so dearly, dies. I've lost my wonderful, loving Dad to the evil of cancer and it's ripped my heart and head to shreds. Mum and Dad were the central rocks of our family, dependable and unconditional in all they did for us all. When we lost Dad we lost Mum too, she is a broken shadow of her former self. Never to be mended it seems. Dad won his first battle with lymphoma but 9 months later it returned with vengeance. The dr tried different plans but one evening Dad called me saying the dr wants to talk to us all together. We went to hosp and was told all hope had gone, nothing more could done. My lovely Dad had about a week of his life left to live. It felt like I had been hit by a bus. Dad kept shaking his head saying he couldn't believe it. At this point he look remarkably well from the outside. We took Dad home and over the next 5 days watch as he lost 20% of himself each day. He died. My lovely Dad who was full of energy, fun, life had died. How could that be? How can that be? And how do we cope? It's been just over a year since we lost him but I relive those events everyday. I still feel time hasn't moved on from nov 2012. People talk about healing but can I ever heal when I know I won't see, feel, hear my lovely Dad again. The pain is so raw, it has changed me completely. I struggle to live my life as I did before because of the pain inside my heart and head. I miss my Dad so much and will so hard that this will all change back to how it was. To my safe, stable life. To my life where I worked and studied and went to the gym and socialised. Now I do nothing, I don't work I avoid people as they mostly irritate me with their ignorant pity. The things people say thinking they are helping but actually they are twisting a knife in my heart. I could scream but I don't, I try and smile and say I'm ok in order to avoid their pitying smile or hug. They don't get it. A hug can't bring Dad back, they tell me at least he's at peace as if that should help. How? They say be thankful for the good times, I am and I want more. I don't get why people don't understand, am I being selfish by missing him and feeling angry that he has gone? I am 44 not a little girl so I think I really should be coping better. Of course Dad would die one day but expected him to get old and frail before that day. I no longer understand life. We are born to die and what happens in between now seems irrelevant. Why push yourself, challenge yourself when we are all just going to die. Oh dear I am rambling now but hope you can see I need help. Are these feeling normal or am I going completely bonkers? Will I ever feel like myself again? I'm fed with this life and want my old one back but that's impossible.

[mfh]

Dear Dawnie350

I am so very sorry about the loss of your Dad. A loss like this shakes us to the core and the feelings you shared (raw pain, feeling as if it has changed you completely, struggle to live life, frustration with things people say to you) are all experiences all of us have had in our losses. When you say you feel you should be coping better because you are 44...I want to say to you that someone who is and has been an essential part of your life is gone. I am encouraging you not to lay unrealistic expectations of "coping better" on yourself. Loss like this can leave us feeling raw, upside down,and everything you expressed here. Those are all common reactions to grief. And yes, people do say things that make no sense and that leave us feeling even more alone with our pain than we felt before they spoke. People do not, generally, know what to say or do and are uncomfortable with grieving people and they tend often to utter cliches that are meaningless even though well intended.

You have found a place of comfort here where no one will tell you those things and where we will listen to you, reach out to you and comfort you as we do with each other all the time here. I understand how you feel you also lost our Mom when your dad died. She is in her own grief and her own life has been turned upside down also. Hopefully you two will share your pain even though it is different pain. You know your mom and maybe there is a possiblity of the two of you sharing this load. You are not "going completely bonkers". Your are grieving a huge loss. As for feeling like yourself again....I can only say that grief does change us forever but you will eventually learn how to live with this loss, carry the pain and that it will not always feel as gut wrenching as it does right now.

I encourage you to return to our site and continue to read other posts as they are great learning tools and to interact with our members. They will come on and respond to you...at their own pace. I do know you want your old life back and we both know that your old life and old you has been changed. In time those changes can be embraced but right now you are getting through tough pain. Do take care of yourself even when you do not feel like it. Also do read some of the articles posted here and the posts.

Educating ourselves about grief is needed in our death phobic world. I hold you in the light and encourage you to visit here often.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your dad...mine passed when I was just 29 and pregnant with his grandchild. Sometimes people say things they mean well but it doesn't have the intended effect. Sometimes I've let it go and sometimes I've confronted them, if what they've said was overly stupid. (like "you shouldn't grieve, it's not like it's Jesus!")...that was said to me two weeks after my husband died. I told her my husband died, not Jesus, I think I looked at her as if she was a lunatic. People say stupid things and I've learned to forgive them their ignorance. You're right, some things they say don't console, I hate the ones "it's God's will". How do they know God's will?! It's not like God's will is always what happens! What about rapes and murders, those aren't God's will! Anyway, I've learned a lot through my grief experiences/journey, and I think when you've been through that kind of loss and pain, you know what to/not to say when people go through it.

You are so welcome to come here and post any time, there's usually someone that will respond within a day or so. Some people have a harder time with their loss than others and that's okay, we all handle it differently and not all relationships are equal, we will grieve in our own way and in our own time. Just don't let anyone tell you your way is wrong or you should be over it or move on. We can't expect some loss to "get over", we were forever altered by their presence so it's no wonder we are forever affected by their loss. We do eventually get better at coping and adjusting but it takes time and effort...longer than most people can begin to realize. Voicing ourselves is so important!

[Dawnie350]

Thank you for your replies. I have read a few other posts and it helps to know others have similar experiences. Today is a black day, a day I've been dreading. The headstone is being placed on the grave. I know it will cause me great pain to see Dad's name in the graveyard. It will mean its real and I don't want him to be there but know somehow I have to accept that he is. That is the tough one, accepting that I'll never see, hear, feel or touch him again. I know he is with me in my heart and my being but it's not the same.

[mfh]

Dawnie, One of the benefits of being here is to feel less alone in part because you see others dealing with the same or similar experiences. The other being that everyone reaches out to each other, listens, comforts. It is difficult to see that headstone the first time. You do know there is no hurry to go to that cemetery and see it. You might choose to postpone that until after the holidays or take someone with you-perhaps your mom if she wants to go-someone you feel safe with. Your dad will always be with you in your heart and no it is not the same. We all want those we lost to be back alive and well and standing next to us. I totally get that. I am glad to see you back here and look forward to interacting again.

Peace to your heart today,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary's suggestion was a good one, there is no hurry. I scattered my husband's ashes in our back yard so he could be here, the place he loved and called his "home in the clouds", but it was two years after his death before I did. I needed to give it time to know what to do with them, and it's reassuring to know we don't need to be in a hurry, but need to listen to our heart.

It took me time to realize that George continues to live in my heart...his physical presence is gone, but his spirit and memory live on in me forever. Since energy doesn't disappear but rather changes form, I continue to believe we will be reunited again someday, in whatever form the hereafter takes, and that brings me comfort and hope. I hope you also are able to incorporate hope and comfort into your life with your personal belief system and what you know to be true inside of you. I just feel my George was way too vibrant a person to just "cease to be". Change form? Yes! But cease? Never!

[JamesI]

I am so sorry Dawnie350 for the loss of your Dad. I lost my dad over 10 years ago from prostate cancer. He was 80. Age makes no difference. We never want to see our loved ones go. I really missed my dad, but, I got through it so that I can help my Mom at the time. My mom was doing fine for awhile, but, then her health changed and I helped to take care of her with some help from home health care. My mom passed away on March 20, 2009 and it was very difficult for me. This website helped me alot. Reading the many posts and stories from other members really helps through the journey of grief. There are no shortcuts. You grieve at your own pace. There is no right and wrong way. I signed up with a bereavement group at my church after my Mom's passing and I also found another bereavement group that was not religious based. Both these groups helped me alot. Just know that the members on this website are very helpful and understanding and will give you the opportunity to find some comfort during your journey. Read the posts and stories. It helps to know that others are and have gone through similar experiences and emotions just as you have gone through.

It does get more bearable and yes it does get easier. You will always miss your Dad, you loved him, but, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that what I have said to you will encourage you and comfort you during your sorrow.

[Ron B.]

Dawnie,

Almost everybody here has been wobbly, uncomprehending, and shocked at the loss of a family member. I too had loving parents. Really good people in more ways that I can describe. Lost my Mom 4 years ago, and my Dad 12 years ago.

Words fail in describing all that parents are. I end up talking in metaphors, that my parents are the 'foundation' or 'root' of my own life. And I'm still inextricably tied into their lives. I carry their DNA, I have internalized their values, and my own life flows through many of the same channels as did their lives. I feel their legacy, and it survives as my foundation.

So I've found consolation, even though my parents are no longer 'here', meaning physically present as living breathing beings. Sometimes people talk as if a parent's passing puts a complete end to their story. But that's so wrong. The legacy of our parents continues to live on within us, and in our siblings, and in everyone who ever remembers them. Their lives are instilled within our own, and we still carry a relationship with them. For example, whenever I'm in some kind of trouble, I think, what would my parents do? And I get surprisingly clear answers, because they had good judgement, which still acts as a beacon to light my own way forward.

Four years on, and I no longer rehash in my mind the traumatic events that led to my Mom's or my Dad's passing. And I'm thankful for that. Instead, fresh memories of my parents come to me from out of nowhere, while I'm going about daily life. Of what they said or did, or the company we kept on some occasion long ago. I think the good memories are now crowding out the ones with trauma.

I've had 4 years to cope with the recent loss of my mother, and I can see now what helped me recover. The first year was crushing, beyond my ability to comprehend or cope. My life was like how you describe your life now. So I worked actively on resolving my grief, and here is what helped most: Getting professional psychological counseling. Digesting literature on grief, anger, and forgiveness. Getting daily exercise. Participation in this forum. And digitizing family photo albums. This last bit about preserving family legacy was extraordinarily helpful for me. In sum, these are just the things I did; everybody finds a different path forward.

I'm not trying to paint myself as a best-outcome grief-survivor and success story either. I made some bad mistakes. I consumed mild intoxicants in the first months, which just made me numb, and buried my grief ever deeper. I had a lot of anger too, holding grudges against family, friends, and acquaintances; I thought they were clueless, callous, unsupportive, or just wrong. I'm still in the process of mending those damaged relationships.

The really weird thing is that I have experienced a lot of personal growth through grief. Why there is so much pain, I just don't know, but I am a stronger person now. I describe the changes I've gone through as 'sudden maturity'. Perhaps it's because I'm no longer a 'kid' with parents for a backstop. I'm now the lead generation with few elders in front of me. And it's me in the role of guardian over younger family members now. Who else is going to retain my parents' and my family's legacy, if not me?

People sometimes use the expression of 'moving on' to deal with a parent's passing, but that doesn't work for me. For me the loss of a parent is not something to leave behind, get over, or forget about. Rather I think all the pain of grief is there for very good reasons, I believe we learn from our grief, and I am certain that we come out changed. I can't have my old life back. But I have developed a new life in 4 years time, and I like it.

I remember very well when my grief was raw, like yours is now. I felt so lost and without bearings to reestablish a normal life. But then I found things which helped get me through the hard time. My way forward was through counseling, reading literature about grief, documenting family legacy, and daily exercise outdoors. For other people it's pets, music, gardening, journaling, and a gazillion other things that ease the pain. I hope you too can find some activity that's still 'relevant' and puts you at ease. Healing is a slow process, but you will evolve and find purpose as you pass through grief. God speed your recovery.

Ron B.

[MartyT]

Beautifully stated, Ron. Thank you ♥

[kayc]

Very well put, Ron!

[Dawnie350]

Thank you all for sharing with me. It's such a relief to hear from people who actually understand. I too am struggling with many of my close friendships as none of them have lost and all say such pitying irritating words that they feel I should hear. I know I am pushing these people away but it's the only way I can cope. I don't like confrontation.

Christmas and new year has been so tough, more so than last year. I think some of the numbness is subsiding leaving raw emotional pain. I manage to visit the cemetery on Christmas Day, with my family. It was so painful. So hard to read those words. I don't think it is something I will rush to repeat. Like you say Dad is within my heart, part of who I am, not at a grave. I think knowing this makes this tough as I feel I'm letting dad down. He was so positive, happy and never grumpy or miserable as I now am. I wish I could just be sad without the painful misery.

I think I do need a focus for the new year. I'm looking for a job and intend to join the gym and eat less as comfort eating is a problem. I am waiting for counselling sessions to begin again, unfortunately in this country the nhs has long waiting lists for these things. It's a sort of plan and I am really hoping this group may help me find hope again.

Thank you listening.

[mfh]

I am so sorry you are in such pain, even though it is understandable. You have lost such an important person in your life and you are surrounded by people who are not able to hear your pain. This happens often following a loss. People want to help but lack the ability to know what to say or not say. You will find people here, many, who will hear you, reach out to you and not judge you.

Your intentions to join a gym and cut down on the carbohydrates will help you during this time. And having a job for a focus or at least the search for one might also help but take it at a pace that you can handle without exhausting yourself. Grief is exhausting and you need time for it also. I am sorry you have to wait to get into counseling. i know that happens over there. Is there anyway you can be moved up on the list due to the need to talk to someone? I suppose not.

You may want to consider reading posts and posting often as you will get support from members. You will feel less alone but it is all up to you. We are here when you need us.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

It is actually empowering to take charge of your life and get your health and job situation under control by doing what you can. "Comfort food" can be a misnomer as we feel bad afterwards, but when we eat healthy, it makes us feel better inside and out. Good luck to you!

[Dawnie350]

Oh dear, although I had all good intentions that 2014 would bring me hope. Things seem to have gone a bit wrong. I applied for a job as a learning mentor, before Christmas, and was amazed to hear I'd got an interview. However, the interview was a3 hour process with 4 tasks. The more I thought about it the more anxious I became, I couldn't think straight to plan the tasks ans although I got lots of good advice from friends I couldn't make a clear decision. I became even more of emotional wreck than I've been all year. So frustrated with myself for feeling like this. I'd decided a job was the thing that would help me come to terms with my loss but the thought of it was making me feel worse. Feeling confused and so run down I went to the doctors. I broke down in his surgery, weeping inconsolably. I left with a pack of anti depressants. The dr assured these would make me feel better but I'd need them for a year!!!! During the entirety of my grief I tried to steer clear of pills but I felt so desperate. I took the first pill on Wednesday and within a couple of hours felt very strange, like my head didn't belong to me and a little more scared. I went to bed and during the night I couldn't sleep and felt extremely sick. The next morning I couldn't get out of bed feeling sick, shivery, achey and not able to eat.

Today is friday, interview day! but I am still in bed. The sickness is less, but achey exhaustion has set in. I have only taken the one tablet so not sure if the tablet was to blame or if I have a virus. My brother and sister in law had something similar last week. However, the experience has put me off the pills.

I am wondering if the job was just too high pressured for me to cope with right now. I was a trainee teacher before I lost Dad but my loss has affected my confidence and desire to return to that path. Just too much pressure. Maybe a simple job in a coffee shop is what I need til I heal a little more.

I'd love to hear any thoughts or experiences of pills and also if other felt the desire for a less pressured lifestyle After experiencing a great loss.

Xx

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm sure you'll hear from others about this, but it seems to me you would be wise to pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you ~ and I think the answer to your question about working lies in your own post:

I am wondering if the job was just too high pressured for me to cope with right now. I was a trainee teacher before I lost Dad but my loss has affected my confidence and desire to return to that path. Just too much pressure. Maybe a simple job in a coffee shop is what I need til I heal a little more.

I'm also hoping you will find these articles helpful:

Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping

Interview: Are We Medicating Normal Grief?

Voices of Experience: Grief and Depression: Are They Different?

Grief vs. Depression

♥

[Ron B.]

Dawnie,

Here I go talking in metaphors again. I think we all 'stumble' and 'fall down' constantly while we are burdened with heavy grief. The falling down part is hugely demoralizing, leaving us feeling more like wreckage than competent human beings. And the falling down part is so effortless; it just happens. There is an important counterpart to these breakdowns, and that's 'getting back up on our feet' after adversity. And it's not easy, sometimes requires repeated effort, and frequently we just can't perform to own own expectations. So give yourself a break once in a while; scale back your expectations. And when you are feeling good, maybe then it's the time to go forward with bigger plans. We all want fully functional lives during and after grief, but it is a long hard struggle. Just keep trying. Back off when you are overwhelmed. And be kind to yourself.

Emotional breakdowns are one of the most discussed subjects on this website. I think the breakdowns, as painful as they are, are part of a learning process. I learned that I couldn't control my grief. Much of the time my grief seemed to control me. Mostly what people say here is to let the grief flow through you. Crying is sometimes the most important thing you can do; it is part of the healing process. Be brave when you can. Yes it's a good thing when we can compose ourselves, but that composure seems to vanish during grief. At least be confident that you'll slowly get better at being able to compose yourself. The grief meltdowns will also become less frequent.

About medication during grief: The entire community of mental health professionals has debated this very issue in the last couple years. Many counselors and psychologists believe that medicating our way through grief is misguided. But the medical establishment at large (including drug companies) is pushing the view that grief is so debilitating, that medication will actually help people function. Advice to you? It's YOUR choice whether you take medication as you pass through grief. Don't let anybody pressure you into doing something you do not want to do. Trust your own judgement and intuition.

Ron B.