Listening To Music

[Wifflesnook]

I know that many of you love music of many types. And I also can guess that most of your favourite pieces were shared with your loved ones. That applies to me and since Pete died I've been struggling with a desire to listen to music, but it's always accompanied by a fear that all it will do is make me sad. Well it does. I've just put on a cd which Pete copied from, I think, a disc. It's labelled by him. It's music he and I loved (Pachebel's Canon, Dance of the Blessed Spirits by Gluck, and Albinoni's Adagio, the latter played at his Farewell). It's making me sad of course. If I hadn't put this music on I wouldn't be feeling so sad, because I would be distracting myself with the radio, or an audio book whilst busily getting ready for Christmas. So this is a question which is unanswerable really, but how do you all cope with this dilemma? I've posted here about being still in a sort of denial about Pete's death, ridiculous as I know that sounds. And being terrified of tears. Music is a key to my deeper feelings. I know that. But can I stand the pain yet?

[enna]

Only you will know when it is time to listen to music, dear Jan. I can tell you from experience that listening to music has been one of my tools in healing. Yes, I cry. Yes, I feel sad. I end up calm and refreshed afterwards. I would suggest that you listen to something lighter and something not so connected to your Pete. Then move into the special pieces. Some of the music you may never be able to listen to but if "music is the key to your deeper feelings" then I think you need to play music. I know you are struggling with those deeper feelings - you just aren't ready to allow them yet. When you are you will. There is nothing wrong with doing things when YOU are ready. We are all here and we are listening. I can't tell you how many times I posted here with tears rolling down my face. Only you will know when and if you'll be able to stand the pain. I can tell you from experience that when a good cry is over you will still be around.

I'm off to Sedona soon. I have to exercise Benji and Jerry will look in on him and give him a chance to run around in the yard while we are gone.

Anne

[mfh]

Jan, I do agree with you...the answer is impossible for us to know but you will know the answer. I agree with what Anne said. I also listened for very short periods initially...even to Mahler which is the toughest. Sometimes 4 minutes and then turn to something else. I still could not listen to an entire Mahler symphony along with some others but if you go gradually, slowly, you can sort of desensitize yourself to a point where it is bittersweet to listen but does not tear you apart. Just take your time with it and start with music that is not loaded with emotion. New Age music is pretty good as a beginning point. Steve Halpern is my favorite. Here is a link to YouTube.com with Steve Halpern to try out.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=steven+halpern+music+for+healing+&sm=1

As for your fear of music making you sad. You are already sad...music might just release some of that sadness....I always feel better after a good cry. It is ok to feel sad, Jan. The tears do stop.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

Jan,

I've been through bouts. When George first died (he was an avid music lover with a wide array of music), I listened to all of his CDs, one by one (it took months), in an effort to really hear what it was he liked about that particular song. I felt the need to study the music. When I was done, I kept the ones I liked and gave away the ones that were not my taste. We had a "Wedding CD" that my son put together for us when we got married, it was most (all would not fit) of "our songs", we were lucky in that the songs that came out during our courtship were beautiful love songs that spoke of US. I played that CD over and over again. After I traded my car in on my Honda, I no longer had a CD changer, and commuting, I chose to listen to the radio instead of fiddling with CDs while I was driving; then after the warranty expired, discovered my CD player didn't work. They wanted $350 to "take a look", no guarantees, and I'd have to be without it, my radio, heat, air conditioning, for at least two weeks while they sent it out...I elected to live without a CD player. I find it's been a very long time since I've listened to that CD...the thought of it now, I'm not sure I could handle it. The pain and wistfulness I'm afraid it would evoke as I listened to such intimate memories of the love we shared, it seems unbearable. I don't know, maybe one of these days I'll try listening to it again...

[Wifflesnook]

I listened to the cd Pete made and when it got to the Albinoni I just started sobbing and it was pretty bad. I think you are right dear Anne and dear Mary that I shouldn't choose the ones I know will release too much unless I'm ready for it. But conversely it is a release and I know I need that release. It can't be good to bottle up my grief like I do.

Thanks for the link Mary. We always liked New Age music too. I will listen if I get time.

Rainie and the girls are arriving tomorrow morning several hours earlier than I'd expected because there are warnings of high winds and heavy rain and she hasn't been driving long. I have been rushing around getting ready. I'm hoping to make a nice Xmas for them, as both Pete and I would have done. Ellie will be busy. She has to help me decorate the tree, put marzipan and icing on the cake we made in November and make mince pies and possibly bread. Oh I think that means I will be busy too but I think it will be good.

[KarenK]

Jan,

Ron & I enjoyed some of the same genres of music, but not all. He loved Jazz, I did not. I love some New Age. He did not. We both loved Country/Western. Let's face it though, most Country western songs are filled with heartache & loneliness. Despite that, I still listen to a lot of them while driving, but I always have Kleenex nearby. Our song was "You Needed Me" by Anne Murray. The words are a perfect description of our meeting & represent our long lasting love. I can listen to it without crying, most of the time. I do not listen to music in the house, though, only while driving. If I was alone in the house, I probably couldn't do it.

Karen

[feralfae]

Oh, Yes! Music stirs up such memories. How wonderful that we have that key to open the doors to more memory treasures! I am still playing Bach today. It is soothing.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I love Anne Murray, Karen, and so did Jim. I think my healing has come from finding so much comfort in music. Jim and I also had different tastes in music but we both liked some classical and enjoyed people like Barbara, Bocelli, il divo, Josh Groban, and i am a BIG country music lover. I like Neil Diamond and Jim did not. I cry easily - if you told me that there was too much ice on the ground right now I'd probably cry!

I have music playing around the house and watch very little TV.

Jan, I'm going to be waiting for pictures of the decorated tree. I don't know what marzipan is so i have to go to the dictionary!

I agree with Mary, Jan - we are already sad - one time I was crying hard while looking in the mirror because a song came on and I just had to laugh - I looked like a two year old throwing a tantrum!

Kay, how is your ankle? Do you have any of your cookies left or have they all been spoken for . . .

I have to go to bed because i am very tired.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

I wish for you a great night's rest and awake refreshed!

Thank you so very much for the prayers.

Namaste,

feralfae

[Wifflesnook]

Thanks to all of you for your replies. I'm going to think about this as it's important. I did feel a little better after that bout of crying. Strange. It's morning here and Rainie and the girls will be arriving later. I have a load to do and the burden feels heavy without my Pete who was always a tower of strength when we had the house full. He did so much. Without him the tasks seem overwhelming and it doesn't help that I want to give Rainie a restful time as she looks so very very exhausted as her littlest one still wakes through the night despite being 20 months. And her three year old is being rather naughty lately. But I know I can't take all her burdens on top of my own. I will do my very best. I will be checking posts and hope to chat but anyway I wish you all a peaceful Christmas. And Anne! I am so glad your trip to Sedona was good. I had never heard of it so looked it up. You have such wonderful places in the States.

[feralfae]

Jan, I think we all are hoping you can find ways to lessen the burdens on you this holiday season as well. I know you want to help Rainie, and maybe you can all go out to eat for at least one meal, just so no one is facing cooking and then cleaning.

And meanwhile, we are all hoping you make a trip this way some day, to see more of this beautiful land, with its magnificent mountains and mighty rivers. There was a fellow at Meeting yesterday who knew all about your area and the flooding. I hope that the aftermath is easing a bit.

You have a lot on your shoulders right now. I hope you are honoring your own needs by setting aside times to close your door and take naps, to rest, to have quiet times for yourself and to sip cocoa and read a good book.

My love and prayers are with you for a good and balanced holiday, filled with joy and enough rest for you.

Namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Alas, Anne, the cookies are all wrapped for giving away. I'm making a Christmas cake this year since pie would have me on my feet too long on that marble floor...it's made with a white cake mix, sour cream, eggs, water, and lite cherry pie filling. When done, you drizzle white glaze on it and top with slivered almonds. It's very pretty, moist, and delicious!

Ankle no better, I got edema a few days ago and it's making the pressure/pain worse. As soon as I can get rid of that, I'm sure it'll help the pain and swelling. Still doing RICE.

I agree with what is said here, we all have to be careful not to overdo it, and anything we can do to make it easier...eating out, etc. Right now I have NO restaurants here in town, there's fast food, one Mexican restaurant, but the good Chinese restaurant is closed every time I go to it, and the Pizza/ckn/spaghetti place just had an emergency closure due to plumbing problems. The bad Chinese place...I'd eat a bowl of cereal before going there. That leaves A & W, Subway, McDonald's, and Dairy Queen. Seriously?! We used to have lots of restaurants but one by one they've closed.

[Queeniemary]

Ah, music...Mike enjoyed so many different kinds of music, new age, jazz, rock, except country ...I mostly really love the golden oldies, and some of the country. Mike did not like country, although he wrote a country song called.....wait for it..."I hate country music" He had made a recording of it, and the first Christmas after he died, I had copies made for close friends. It is a comic song, of course. If I knew how, I would put it on here, This time of year, Mike really enjoyed the Manheim Steamroller Christmas music. We went to see them twice in Branson. I had that music on the other night, when some friends were coming over. My friend Tom ask me to take it off, and just play some oldies. His late wife Ann played Christmas music all December, and the memories were too hard for him. For me, however, listening to music that Mike and I both liked, and had seen performed in person, brought him back to me a little. However, I honored Tom's feelings, and changed the music.

Think I will go put them on right now.....

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Wifflesnook]

Unfortunately we are very much deep in the country and can't go out for a meal, but our Xmas meal (which is veggie as R is veggie and bringing the girls up that way though unlike their mother they do eat fish) is one from a gourmet company and we are having a nut roast, cranberry sauce, parsnips done in a special way, sprouts ditto, potato ditto. This is so far from how I used to be it's unbelievable. I'm used to cooking a Xmas meal with Turkey for Pete and I and a veggie option for son, daughter and DIL. So this is me being weak but sensible. Tomorrow night, Xmas eve, I am making a veggie lasagne from scratch though. A slightly fraught day punctuated by lovey things, like decorating the tree with Ellie who loved it. Marzipanning and icing the Xmas cake. But oh bed times are so difficult because neither of the little girls gets to sleep. After a busy day this is so hard. I don't know how our daughter does it.

We played Xmas carols whilst doing the tree. I am really going to ease myself back into music, but very carefully.

On another subject, I sent up for Xmas baubles with photos of Pete and the girls on, three, one with each picture. And I have totally lost them somewhere in the melee of getting ready for Xmas . I am so sad about this because I was loving the idea of having Pete on the tree. If I don't find them I am going to place a little photo there.

[kayc]

George loved ALL music except rap, me, I'm not fond of Rock music and rap but like everything else, but our favorite was country music. Jan, I wish I could hear Pete's song!

My daughter got George and I picture frame ornaments and we each had our picture in them, so I put them up every year.

I'm trying to keep it simple on my ankle this year, don't want to spend hours on that hard kitchen floor, so I made the cranberry dish today, will make the cherry cake tomorrow, and Christmas will stuff the turkey & put it in the oven, then rest/ice my foot, then do the potatoes and gravy. I cheated and bought rolls and salad mix. And of course I have Christmas cookie packages to hand out. I wouldn't know where to start fixing a vegetarian dinner, but I used to eat at a vegetarian restaurant and loved it!

[Wifflesnook]

No sign of the Xmas ornaments with my Pete which I've list, but Ellie made a tiny Xmas frame so now Pete's lovely face is on the tree. Isn't it hard though, thinking how our loved ones would enjoy things and are missing them? We all suffer this I know. But I know I'm making a big contribution to our little grand daughters memories, even though I think most of us don't remember anything before we were five. Must take photos and videos!

[mfh]

Jan, I am so sorry you cannot find those ornaments/pictures.

When I lose/misplace something as I did today with my glasses...I ask Bill to lead me to what I misplaced.

I do hope they pop up quickly. I know they mean a lot to you.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I've got over it, as we have to, and placed a small photo of Pete on the tree as a substitute. Somehow we were all so busy with present preparation etc tonight that we didn't mention Pete but I don't care about this when he is so close to my heart. I think he is in the hearts of our son and daughter too but it isn't easy to bring him into the conversation when we are so busy with the littlies. In some ways i think this is as it should be and it doesn't affect me so much now because he is with me somehow even though I don't feel him properly. I wish you all a peaceful and healthy Christmas. Be strong, Jan

[kayc]

Jan, I'm glad to hear that. That's kind of how I feel. I don't feel the need to bring George up unless something in particular prompts it, but he is with me always, in my heart, even this day.