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I Don't Know How To Explain


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I can't avoid the lights everywhere at night. Yet the darkness is underneath all of it. But today a little light came through. I was cleaning out a box looking for something and ran across a camcorder cassett of Gene's little dog, his buddy that died three weeks before Gene passed to a new world. As Gene suffered he also had to loose this little dog that brought him so much joy. I started to throw the tape out but decided to watch it one more time. And there was this "gift". It wasn't just the dog...it was an hour of Gene and his dog. I watched...for an hour I could see him happy...hear his voice...I can remember.......HE WAS HAPPY. I had forgotten about our times at the lake, in the mountains, walking the plataus, camping, playing in the snow, watching the elk and the deer. I guess I hadn't forgotten....I just haven't been able to get to those memories. And then there was a second tape. One of Gene and my Mother. Both laughing and so real. Both gone this year behind each other. I can't explain what the tapes did....it's like finding a little piece of Gene...a little piece of my Mother. I can hear him call me by name...hear him call me darling, hear him laughing. I was so afraid I would forget his voice...the tender, gentle way he spoke.

How could I let the last two years of his biggest battle overshadow all the happy times? We spent 28 years of doing EVERYTHING together....I had to be reminded. There were wonderful times...happy times before his heart would no longer let him enjoy the world he loved so much. Gene's heart was damaged for 18 years but we lived as fully as we could for as long as we had together.

I'm so thankful for this gift. I needed to remember.

I wish something special for everyone here. Special dreams, special memories to fill some of the emptiness. I wish just one little light for everyone.

I love you Gene!

I miss you so much!

Always Gene!

Always!

I love you Mama!

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I'm so happy for you - finding those tapes sound like a wonderful gift. I'm glad you were able to watch them with joy at what you had instead of sorrow for what you've lost.

I was given a video of Carl's band playing a gig. I haven't watched it yet - I don't know if I can. I hope sometime I can watch it and remember him doing what he loved.

Fi

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ustwo,

Yes, that was a wonderful, timely 'gift' to find! Can I say I'm envious? I remember my remaining brother telling me, during the clear-out of our parents' house ( which I was kept in the dark about ), that he'd "made sure" he rescued the old film projector and our home movies. ( and yet he didn't save anything else that I might have wanted ) I told him I'd spliced and reglued them about 3 times in my adult life as they were in such poor shape. I'd done this, years ago, because I enjoyed watching them every so often, even if it was by myself. He'd never been very interested in them before. My Mom and I would usually be the ones to sit down and laugh at them together, and occasionally, my father, too, but not often. Now, this is the brother who refused to send me copies of the few remaining pictures from our family ( no one knows for sure what our father ultimately did with all of them - either burnt in the BBQ or sold to strangers ), and I remember wondering at the time whether he'd ever let me see them again, either. Since it's been 2 years now, I think I have my answer. Upon reflection, it sounds to me like he'd been bragging that HE had this precious store, to which I'd never be given access again. A cousin of mine supposedly has some copies of old pictures of my Mom, but she's never made the effort to send them to me.

The one thing I do have is a short recording of part of a conversation between me and my Mom from her trip back into hospital after they'd overdosed her with blood thinner and caused internal hemorrhaging. However, this was the beginning of her steady decline, though she'd been doing extremely well until this, after her first stroke. So she doesn't sound either very happy or well and it hurts me so much I haven't listened to it more than twice in 2 years. It's not the same as happier times, though I treasure this unplanned recording, too...at least it's something.

Now I can't help but feel like I have no history, since being denied what there was of these precious mementoes. And since one of the hallmarks of my grief has been memory loss, I know how hard it is to try and recall things without some kind of trigger. So those of us with real heart know what priceless memories and comfort such things contain, bringing a sense of balance to our sorrow and those more negative recollections. Despite my own frustrations, I truly AM happy for you to be able to find a measure of peace in your sad journey. It also does me good knowing there are others who realize how much value such things have. Truly priceless...

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You are so incredibly lucky to have those tapes! How I envy you. I so wish I had anything with Tom's voice recorded. I would treasure it, and listen to it often. I am so afraid I will forget what his voice sounded like. I will have to rely on my memories. I'll see you in my dreams babe*.

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I, too, am glad you found those tapes....and watched them before you "tossed" them. I don't have anything with my husband's voice on it either - I mostly want to remember his laugh. When he was really tickled about something, he had the cutest laugh! I hope I remember that always.

I have a letter that he wrote me while he was in the hospital. I have only read it once. I want to read it again, and I will someday, but right now it's so hard. It's just been a little over a year since I lost him and I still cry so much that I don't think I can read it now. I guess memories will have to do for now.

I love you and miss you, Dear!!! All my heart, all my life and beyond.

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Ustwo,

thank you for sharing this with us. Your words made me cry - I'm so touched. Thank you. Your story says more thatn you think - it's a reminder to think of the happy times and remember them. My thought at first was - I wish I had tapes not just photos - but I have my wonderful memories ... you're lucky to have these tapes ... and to the rest of you: we all have our own "tapes" - their gifts, their smiles on photographs, little reminders, our special places, the kind of food they would like, what they would say to us ... We have our memories, we always will have them. Thank you Ustwo!

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How lucky you are! I have no video or sound recording of George but he is indelibly etched in my memory. I had a message on my cell phone that he'd left and I remember so vividly how wrenching it was when I lost it too. My cell phone was new and I hadn't known his message would automatically disappear in a week or two.

It is almost more than I can bear to think of our memories...the one memory that continues to come back to me is how he looked at me and pulled me to him...that will stay with me always.

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