kayc Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Tonight my son told me he is leaning towards a job with Micron, in Boise. He was offered a job in Salem, two hours from here, but the real estate is better in Boise (of course they have sales tax, we don't, but our property taxes and income taxes are undoubtedly higher). And he doesn't like Eugene...but Salem is an hour from Eugene, he doesn't have to like it. He has to give his answer by the end of the week. He's had three offers, all equally good, but they want to know. I held it together while we were on the phone, but lost it as soon as we hung up. My daughter doesn't have anything to do with me, she lives 55 miles from me, she doesn't call, doesn't visit, doesn't invite me over. My son is all I've had, and the last five years he's been in school, even that's been pretty limited, all the more so after he met his wife. They plan on starting a family as soon as he starts working, but now my grandchildren will be in another state and I won't get to be a part of their lives. My DIL's parents at least have each other and their other grandchildren, their other daughte close by...but I'll have no one. It's hitting me hard. I remember when he went into the service, that was hard enough, but at least I had George. I honestly don't know how other people handle this, but I feel so alone and abandoned. This is not how I'd envisioned my older years. I'm losing my mom and now this. My mom always complained, yet we were there for her, listening to her, taking her out, fixing things for her, helping her financially, taking her to the doctor, etc. She doesn't know how good she had it. I am proud of my son and very happy for him and his wife as they start their life, but I am brokenhearted for myself. I remember when George died, my son consoled me with "Well I can't speak for Melissa, but I intend to have grandchildren for you...of course, first I have to get a date." That touched my heart. But what is it if you can't even see them, can't make Christmas cookies with them or read to them, or even get to know them? If you don't get to see them taking their first steps or learning to ride a bike? My heart is just broken. It just feels like all of my dreams have been stolen from me...George, my job (not Metro, but the one I loved, before that), my kids, and now future grandchildren. I can't stop crying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Oh Kay! I am so sorry about this. I know the distances in the States are huge (we make a fuss about traveling 150 miles here in England). I don't know how far away he will be, but hasn't he realised the impact this will have upon you? Our children can be so self-centred, as I know. Is there any way you can arrange to get to see them regularly when and if they do have chldren? I know how important this is. Hugs. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Oh KayC, I'm so sorry you are faced with this. I hear the pain in your words. I know how difficult it is when one of your children moves far away. It must be doubly hard when the one who lives nearby does not include you in her life. Debbie was 15 when she decided to move to KY with her dad. Partly because she had fallen in "love" with a boy on vacation & partly because her dad had a new house, boat, etc. But I was not alone as you will be. I had Ron & a new baby. It still hurt, though. I love her children very much, but do not feel close to them. I was there when each was born, but could only visit at 5 year intervals. I will not even make that this time. Because I'm older & alone now, if Robert were to move somewhere, I would move with him. It is simply an understanding we have. But he does not have a wife to care for & his son is old enough to make his own way. That's of course, if either of them could ever find a job. LOL The thought of him living far away would be frightening to me. Would you ever consider moving along with your son & wife? I've always said I would never become a burden to my children. Never say never. Life & death have a funny way of changing your perspectives. Sending you love & a big box of tissues. Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Dear Kay, I am so sorry to hear this news. I am happy for your son but know that this brings many different emotions to your heart as you think about your mom, your daughter, your job loss, and so many other things that seem to be raining down on you right now. We are here and always will be here for you, Kay. There are just times when we have to lean on each other. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Dear Kay Your feelings of sadness came right through your post. You have spoken on and off about how you look forward to the day your son finishes school so he will have more time for himself and you and they can have kids and you will be a part of all of that. Be gramma. To find out all of that will happen many miles away is a tough pill to swallow. I do not have children and have no family in the state of Wisconsin. My two siblings live far away, one with two daughters who have been my surrogate kids. I do know the feeling of "alone" and I am reaching out to you through that feeling hoping you can feel the love and empathy and understanding I share with you. You were able to hold yourself together for your son's sake because the mother in you wants him to follow his dreams which right now include a job that you know he is lucky to get in this economy. I admire your unselfishness. I do understand your not sharing your pain with him. Moms just want their kids to be happy and they don't want their kids to worry about them. I see all that in you. But it all leaves you raw with the pain of "alone". We are all here for you. I know it is not enough. Perhaps if he does take this job and settles into it, you will find yourself in Idaho someday. For now, you are in pain and I am reaching out to you. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 I cried half the night. My son and I have always been close, always been thre for each other. I realize all that is changing, it started when he found his wife, he was already busy with school, now he was even more busy. Boise is about 8-9 hours from here if you drive straight through, there are mountain passes to cross inbetween so winters are out...long long boring dry stretches, miles of nowhere, after that. I feel like he's factored in everything (hatred of Eugene, houses, money, weather, taxes)...everything but me. I have no desire to live in Idaho without my beloved mountains and trees and rivers. I've been to Boise many times, it's just a city. I can't believe my son would even consider it when a place in Salem OR MATCHED their offer! He who grew up scouting the wilderness, hunting, fishing, camping, hiking. I guess he doesn't plan on doing any of that with his children. It is a world of difference from here. And...it's where his Aunt lives, the one on his dad's side, the one that always treated me bad. She will be close to his children and I will not, it is hard to take. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Kay, I am so sorry. Idaho has to feel like the other side of the world to you. I know you have to feel terribly abandoned and alone. Change is so very difficult when change means losing the presence of someone we love. I am sorry. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Oh, dear Kay, I am so sorry about your son moving. I have never found any charm in Boise. but there are mountains nearby and lots of great birding. Well, you have a lot of people who love you right here, and while I am miles and miles away, I will be in touch with you while you sort out this latest disappointment. This is just terrible. I know you were hoping and wishing that your son would stay close, and it made sense that he would want to do so. I also want to ask, have you considered moving to Idaho? There are some smaller towns not too far from Boise (one of my dearest friends moved from here to near Boise for work) and maybe something will work out. Also, he still might change his mind and stay closer. I am just going to hold some good thoughts and pray that it all works out for the best. I'll be here most of the day, so send an email if you want to talk. I now have unlimited long distance on my new home phone. This is a big blow to you, I know. I am holding you in my heart as you work through this. Much Love, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Kay, my dear, my heart hurts for you. I am so sorry As the mother of two grown sons, I know firsthand what it is like to do your best to bring your boys to adulthood as strong, independent individuals, only to see them make choices that don't include you and that take them farther and farther away from you. Someone once said that having a child is like deciding forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body, and as a mother, I know exactly what she meant. You are a very strong lady, Kay, and I know you will find a way to work your way through this, just as you have with all the other challenges you have met so bravely ~ but I also know that right here, right now, you are hurting badly. We all understand your pain, we weep with you, we send our love to you, and we have our collective arms wrapped around you. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I just got a tet from my son, he changed his mind, he's going with Garmin in Salem, OR. He had until tomorrow to let them all know (Micron, Eaton, Garmin). I used to work for a place that made military airplane parts, so this will give us something to talk about, I'm excited for him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 HURRAY!!!! *** Sprinkles of fairy dust *** fae Kay, I am so happy for all of you. This is wonderful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 I am excited for you, Kay. What a relief and what a gift. I bet you sleep tonight! Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 It's mixed...he doesn't sound very happy. Says he hates the weather in Oregon, I hadn't known, he said it's okay here, but the valley has so much grey and fog. Plus the job is mostly paperwork, certifications, etc., not very exciting. He loved Robotics, that's what he trained for, but the company that hires for that is not hiring this year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Did he explain why he chose it if he does not like the area and won't be doing what he likes? Would he have been happier at one of the other options? I am sure if he has mixed feelings you also have them on his behalf. Nothing is simple...life happens in the gray zones...never black and white, is it Kay? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 No, life is mostly about the gray areas. The job in Boise would have been high pressure, very demanding, long hours...not good for a family man. All three offers he received...none of them are what he had hoped for, robotics. I only hope someday he gets an opportunity to do what he likes, and yes, even where he likes. Life is too short for so much "settling". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 It looks like things worked out for you, Kay, but I thought I'd just put in my two cents. I have four sons and they all live in different countries. I'm not saying this to make my situation sound worse than yours might have been, but I've come to realize - after the initial shock and heartbreak of realizing none of them would be living nearby - that the reason I had children in the first place was not to have someone to look after me in my old age, but rather to experience the joy of raising them and seeing them one day fly the nest and create new lives for themselves. To create new lives - that's why we have kids. At least that was true for us. Forcing them to live near us, have daily contact with us - that would be preventing them from creating their own lives. They may choose to live near us, or we may choose to move to wherever they are - which is what I'm considering - but the main thing is that they have to live the way they feel is best for them - and we have to have our own lives independent from our children. I always thought that when my kids flew the nest I'd still have my husband and our own normal life. Now things are different, but I don't want to be one of those people who lean on their kids for everything or who live only for them. I know that my relationship with my sons and daughters-in-law will be far better if I can stand on my own two feet and find some sort of meaning and happiness apart from them - as well as with them. That being said - I would love to be near my grandchildren and see them grow up. But having four sons in four different countries, I realize that I can't be near all of them. I can't be four places at once. I have to choose what's best for me. I may never marry again or have another relationship - but I have to believe that my life can become something on its own. Luckily for you, you can continue your life where you are and still have close contact with your son. I hope your relationship with your daughter can also improve. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Wise words, Melina ~ Thank you for sharing ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Oh, Kay, as I read this string of posts, my heart just hurt for you. Both of my sons live away, one in MN, and one in MO. However I am very fortunate that my daughter and her family live right here in Harrison. I am very much a part of their lives, and I love it. When I got to the bottom of the posts, and realized he was staying close to you my heart sang. Whatever the reason he chose to stay close, I know you are grateful....and if none of them were offering exactly what he wanted, then staying close, and continuing to hope to find what he really wants to do is grand! What is his degree? and what exactly does Garmin do? I have a Garmin GPS, is that part of them??? Bottom line, I feel your relief, and am happy that at least for now, you will have him, and his someday growing family close to you. However, if he ever does move far away, to a place you don't like.....just move yourself to Arkansas, and we will play games all day, and our doggies will romp in the back yard!! Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 10, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Yes, Melina, I realize all of that...but all of these years my son has been telling me he'll have children and he wants them to be near their grandma, etc. etc. HE has always alluded that we'd be close. HE has always said how much he loved where he grew up and HE didn't want me to sell the place. HE wanted his children to play here as he did and know the place he grew up. It is him whose dreams have apparently changed and me who is just learning about it, and it is an abrupt realization. This is the first I have ever heard him complain about Oregon or its weather, but then we haven't lived together these past five years and it's the past five years he's been away at school where he's encountered the valley weather...Corvallis is very different from the mountains of Oakridge where I live. I am above the fog and have clear blue sky. I am not dependent on either of my children, nor are they in a position for me to be. When George died, my son was in the Air Force, so he couldn't be here for me. The last five years he's been away at college, so he hasn't been here then either. There have only been two years inbetween where he was here off and on, but at least we have had occasional visits. If he moved to another state, which might as well be another country as far as proximity goes because the United States is very large, the visits would not be feasible. My relationship with my daughter has always been good, but since she turned 18, she has chosen to live very independently, as if no one in her family existed, except for holidays. That's not likely to change as she's 31 now and it continues that way. She doesn't call, nor does she return calls or reply to texts. I don't think it's bad of me to wish to see my grandchildren or have a relationship with my children. I've lived independent of them and not relied on them to fill my existence...my mom did that to us and I purposely have tried NOT to repeat that as we did not like it. QMary, Garmin is responsible for your GPS...but the division my son will work for will be aeronautical. He will be responsible for the certifications, a lot of paperwork. Not very exciting but has to be done. I'm sure he'll be keeping his eye out for another job but the longer you're in a position, the more you're "type-cast" and the less chance of breaking out of that line of work, even though you have the education for it. When you're newly out of school is your best chance, but if the openings aren't there you have to do something. The job at Micron would have been a specialized job with a lot of job security but would have been very demanding and long hours. Garmin will require long hours at times, but not all of the time. I'm not sure I feel "relieved" because I don't think my son is particularly happy with his choice...he would have liked Boise except for the harsh demands and long hours of the job. We want our kids to be happy. I guess life doesn't always give us what we want, not even if we've worked long and hard for it and deserve it, and I know of no one more deserving than my son. He has maintained straight A's throughout college and accomplished it completely debt free, I don't know anyone else that can boast that. It's been hard earned, with very little sleep and much dedication and ambition. I'd like to see him rewarded with his dreams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Kay, I didn't mean to make it sound as if it was bad of you to wish for a relationship with your grandchildren. As I said, I wish I could be near all my kids and grandkids and see them grow up. I've just come to realize that that isn't going to happen for me, so I will have to make do. I moved away from my home and parents at an early age. I did it partly because I wanted to get away. For a long time I was worried that was the reason my kids were leaving too. But they went away to school and found girls there - and it seems as though girls tend to stick around their families and where they grew up, whereas boys are more likely to follow their wives. That might be a gross generalization, but for our family it seems that way. If Boise is where your daughter-in-law is from - then that might be a big factor. I'm sorry if I made you upset. I'm just poking in for a visit. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Melina, I do agree with you from my experience in my practice that boys tend to attach themselves to their wives' families or location or both. I have seen that many many times. Are you still thinking about returning to the USA someday? You mentioned you might think about moving near one of your sons but if I remember correctly you have one in Canada and Australia and not sure of the other two. Peace to you. Good to see you here. Very good. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 My goodness Kay, my heart was aching for you reading the earliest post. I have 2 adult sons, one doing well the other not too good. My oldest is in a serious relationship now, she has a child, my gut is this is the "one" for him. Like you, I don't lean on them or require anything, I want them to live happy and healthy lives. I even hate they witness my slow death. Believe me, if Larry were alive I wouldn't feel so lost at their creating their own families. It doesn't mean that I won't ever be a part of it all but its "different" now. I'm glad your son has had many opportunities and that this decision will be good for his family and you. Know that you are loved and supported by all of us here and have been for many years. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Hi Mary, Yes, I'm still considering moving back to the states. I have one son in Maine, one in Toronto, one in Australia and one in Japan. The one in Japan is returning home briefly, before moving to Singapore to work. His girlfriend is from Singapore. I will travel as long as I have the health to do so - and when I have the money scraped together, but I would like to live near at least one of them. It's tough - but I've got to the point where things don't matter as much as they used to. I've started meditating - trying to live in the here and now - and I do think it helps, strangely enough. Glad to "see you" too! Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 10, 2014 Report Share Posted January 10, 2014 Ah, I forgot the one in Japan and I did not realize you had one in the states (Maine). It might feel good for you to get your feet on your homeland someday...even though Norway is also home. So glad you got to take such a great trip to Japan over the holidays. Take care. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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