The Guy I Thought I Would Grow Old With Left Me After Dad Died

[nettieboop]

I'm devasted. I started seeing the most amazing man last May. We found each other after both having gone through so much.The more time we spent together, the more it became obvious that this was ‘it’. Fast forward to 1 month ago. Things were still wonderful. His father, who’d had really bad health, became even sicker. “J” had to go to him. “J” had a very long history of abandonment, resentment, etc. with his father, so this was not easy for him. Having a 21 year old son himself, he really wanted to set the right example. Anyway, he fled to his dad’s state to be by his side, and he passed away 1 week later. He really wanted me to go with him to the funeral, and to be with him for support. I did. That’s what you do. Needless to say, there were a lot of feelings coming up that he didn’t expect. A lot of anger, a lot of sadness, etc. We got back home, it was Christmas – another stressful time in its own. I noticed him getting a little more distant in this time, and I completely understand that considering what he’s going through. 2 days ago I volunteered to not come over to his place, to give him space, and he told me that we needed to “talk”. He didn’t feel that his love for me was as strong for me as my love for him. OMG. I’m devastated. I know this probably has a LOT to do with him grieving and not being able to handle any other emotion at the moment. When I asked him when he’d started feeling ‘not as ‘in love’ as me’, he gave me a very specific time of 4-5 weeks, as opposed to a wishy washy response. This is basically the time he started dealing with his dad. He said he’s very sorry, he wish it could have worked out, but he feels that my feelings for him (just in the last few weeks) were much stronger than those he felt, that he 'tried to fall passionately in love' - whatever that means. need some hugs. I need some advice. I need some help.

[mfh]

I am so sorry that your dream of sharing forever with "J" has been challenged at the least with the death of his father. You said "J" has a long history of abandonment, resentment and more in regards to his father so I can only imagine that losing his father has created a myriad of feelings for "J". He has to be preoccupied with his loss and all of the feelings attached to this loss. It is possible, as you infer, that his feelings for you have been affected by this loss or that they are feelings he is choosing to share that surfaced as he began to deal with his anticipated loss and then his father's death. None of this may be clear to him or to you. As difficult as it is you have little choice but to give him the space he is sort of indirectly requesting, touch base with him after a while and see where he is. You might even ask him if it is ok to call him in a couple of weeks. He may say no (or not).

For you, he is the man of your dreams. And you do not know if down the road, he will want to continue to be with you. I do believe giving him space is what he wants right now. That does not mean this relationship will not continue later but for now, you have in front of you, an empty space-a loss of your own and grief about this loss. I am so sorry.

I do send you a warm hug as your wrestle with this. We are all here for you as you walk this road and see what is around the bends ahead. Do you have anyone close to you to share with (in addition to all of us here, of course) as you deal with this?

Mary

[kayc]

I am very sorry for all you are going through. This is a common grief response, as you can see from the others that have posted their stories here. Often the person doing the grieving has no idea why they're feeling what they are, it's just unfortunate that it affects so many others, usually the one closest to them. It's no one's "fault", it just is what it is. The best way you can be supportive of him is to respect his request for space and try to leave the doors open should he want to resume at some point. Grief seems to be a changing experience, when you have a loss of such magnitude, you aren't the same again. My fiance of one year broke up with me abruptly when his mom was dying. After her death, he resumed contact, but was all over the place, and it was yanking me around emotionally so I made the decision to protect myself and not let it get to me. Fast forward several years...we are still friends, but it has never gone back to what it was. You can't assume anything because everyone is different, but I would not hope for anything one way or another, let it play itself out. It will be very hard on you, but try to realize it's hard on him too. It's important to forgive so you don't carry around bitterness, but that is a process that takes time. During this time, you'll be grieving your own loss, and you'll have many emotions...you may experience some anger yourself. That's okay, it's just emotions, let yourself feel them and then let them go without holding onto them unduly.

Now is a good time to connect with family and friends and keep busy. Maybe take a class or join a gym, something, anything to direct some energy somewhere. (My house got thoroughly cleaned).

As you go through this journey, you may want to continue to post here, it helps to have a place to vent where people understand, someplace safe. It helps to voice yourself and since you can't to him, alot of people have chosen to go through it here.

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts like the dickens. It's likely he can't deal with all of his emotions and it's taking all that is within him to deal with his loss. (Grief often brings up unresolved issues, etc. and it can take quite some time to process and deal with them.) This doesn't mean he didn't love you. He probably doesn't even know why he's responding the way he is so it makes it hard for him to explain it to you.

Hang in there, try to remember to breathe...

Kay

[Pollara]

Hi nettieboop!

I am really sorry for all what you 've been going through and when I will say it I totally mean it, as I have been in your place. Unfortunately, my story didn't ended up well. We didn't even manage to keep it on a friendly level, as I remind him his grieving period.

In any case, I don't have anything else to suggest rather than giving him space, but please don't wait on him. If it is to come back, he will. From February till September I spent all my days in forums, trying to find stories where the grieving person returned to his/her significant other. I tried to learn more about grief, about depression etc. I now regret for all this time I spent, but of course, I couldn't let it go. Deep in my subconscious I wanted my story to had different ending (as everyone here I guess wished for that). It didn't and that is why I am telling you not to hold your hopes on to it. I know that you are thinking that what if he comes back and I am with someone else etc, you will have won anyway if this is the case.

So my advice is giving him space and try to do something else and forget him.

[Season0816]

Nettieboop,

I know how you are feeling right now. Back in October, 2013, the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with ended our 7 year 10 month relationship abruptly. This was 13 months and 15 days after his father passed. I feel grief was the partial cause.