Personal Growth As We Grieve

[mfh]

I can not tell you how many people, especially women, I have seen in therapy in close to 40 years who report that they feel selfish if they receive..compliments, time for themselves, gifts from others...anything. And yet, as we grieve (and live healthy lives) we must be able and willing to receive from others, to ask for help as well as give to others. We see people here doing this all the time....everyone gives and everyone receives at one time or another. It goes back and forth all day, every day. Both are needed for a healthy life...

This piece posted by Tara Brach but written by John Amodeo says this so well:

By receiving with a tender self-compassion, we’re allowing ourselves to be touched by life’s gifts. Letting ourselves receive deeply and graciously is a gift to the giver. It conveys that their giving has made a difference — that we’ve been affected. Giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin of intimacy. As I put it in my book, Dancing with Fire,

“We may then bask together in a non- dual moment in which there is no distinction between the giver and the receiver. Both people are giving and receiving in their own unique ways. This shared experience can be profoundly sacred and intimate.”

You can find the entire piece here: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/07/5-reasons-why-receiving-is-harder-than-giving/

[enna]

What a perfect article for this forum of givers and receivers, Mary. You are so correct that at one time or another we are either on the receiving end or we are giving whether it be through active listening or deep felt empathy for each other. We are all being gently reminded to be good to ourselves, to practice loving kindness not only toward others but to ourselves also. What a healing ground this is...

Thank you for being here sharing your warmth and knowledge along with Marty. We are blessed and we all give and receive as it is needed.

Anne

[mfh]

[mbkubitz]

Thank you for sharing this Mary. It really resonates, as I have always had difficulty recieving - and still do. Chalk it up to a lifetime of distancing myself from others for fear of getting even more hurt than I already felt - and never properly grieving the emotional losses I felt throughout my life (I still haven't).

When my daughter died, for the first time ever I felt compelled to seek out and receive support because I felt completely helpless in an alien world. I could barely take care of myself, much less my surviving children. The devastation of losing her was like having a natural disaster distroy my home and having to rebuild from scratch. Only my "home" was the life I was used to living. None of my usual emotional defenses to pain and hurt worked anymore. That included the uneven balance of giving far more than I allowed myself to receive. I simply didn't have it in me. I was truly in bare bones survival mode. Thank goodness for counseling and support groups. I honestly don't know what I would have done without them.

I understand now the importance of recieving, but I still find it hard to do much of the time. Old habits are incredibly hard to break. But, I figure taking baby steps is better than taking none. The small strides I have made in learning how to break down my defenses and allow myself to receive has begun creating much better relationships with my husband and children - and, more importantly, with myself. :-)

Thanks again for sharing,

Maria

[mfh]

Dear Maria, You are quite welcome. I do understand the devastation of a significant loss and your loss of your daughter, of course, was just devastating. I am so glad you sought out some assistance. I understand that as I sought out assistance when my husband died and I, like you, do not know what I would have done without that support. As for our ability to receive, we are taught from the time we are just little to share, to give, to not be selfish. We live in a society that seems to think it is better to give than to receive when in fact as the article states...both are needed. You took huge steps forward on the path to being more comfortable with receiving when you reached out for help and being here is another step. And yes, when we receive we allow people to be close to us and in loss that is threatening...for fear, of course, that if we let someone get close, we will just experience more loss. I am so glad that you see the value in receiving and that you are working towards doing that with greater ease and seeing some results from it.

I am glad you enjoyed and found the article helpful. I am glad you are here. Mary

[mfh]

A few days ago I listened to Rachel Naomi Remen MD, author of Kitchen Table Wisdom as she was interview on On Being. Here are some links to the interview and other bits and pieces: http://www.onbeing.org/gsearch/rachel%2Bnaomi%2Bremen

On January 20, she and Lissa Rankin MD are offering a free 90 min webinar on Medicine for the Soul. It looked good enough for me to sign up for it...It may be a prelude to a class they are offering but I take advantage of free and worthwhile webinars.

Here is the link to that. The recording will be sent to you if you miss the live webinar. with all that it covers it boils down to self care and self acceptance which I find very helpful in these days of grief. http://medicineforthesoulrx.com/