JustJohn Posted January 9, 2014 Report Share Posted January 9, 2014 Ok so my mother passed away at the age of 43, on 10/23/13, two days after her birthday. I'm a mentally strong 23 year old guy and I can usualy deal with any and all issues head on. This has been a bit different. I have 2 younger sisters, one of whom is expecting. The oldest is 18 and also has a list of mental disorders... the younger is 16, she, like me, is very strong and independant emotionally. My mother suffered from LONG term pain medication abuse. In and out of psych wards, and rehab programs, but ultimately nothing worked. All three of us were there when she died, of what i expect to be a overdose. I came from work and she was just so out of it, but I figured "Hey, she's been here before, she'll wake up soon and ask for a soda." About two hours later, my youngest sister comes screaming that my moters not breathing... I rush in as does my other sister. I see her lying there, pale as can be, lips blue, not breathing. There was vomit in her mouth and nose, so i immediately turn her over to get what i can out, before performing cpr/mouth-to-mouth, I knew from the start it was futile... everytime i pressed on her chest, she would convulse and her eyses would open...but there was no life in they eyes at all. We called 991 as I was trying what I could. My sisters ran outside, crying and confused, and that got our neighbors and friends to rush in to see what was going on. The whole situation was very traumatic for all involved. We get taken to the hospita by our friends, where she is pronounced dead on sight. Skip ahead a few days later, my youngest sister and I are with her side of the family, the other went with her boyfriend. Everybody is being very nice, asking how we are. My sisters were torn up, and don't get me wrong, I was too. But i was able to handle myself. I get a text from an unknown number about a day later. It was from one of my co-workers who i have known for two years. We weren't exactly close at first hel, we flat out didn't get along. But sometime before this we were becoming pretty good friends.Her text was saying that she was sorry and that if I need someone to talk to that I can always talk to her. I thanked her and was truly moved. Within the same timeframe, I get another message from another co-worker. I have only known this one for about 3 months. She was a friend of the girl who just texted me so like her we didn't really speak much, until we got talking and became friendly at work. She said some of the same, saying that anytime I need someone to talk to just hit her up. She said it's ok because she considers me a friend and she cares. They both came to the funeral which I also appreciated. I honestley thought I wouldn't ned help. I didn't cry yet... I was handling myself and looking out for family. But, for some reason... Just before Thanksgiving, it hit me. I was a wreck. I'd say it was about two weeks in to November actually when it started. I never realy called them, because I dont like people to hear me cry, so I would text. At first it all seemed OK. I had support, they let me vent and just talked dumb stuff to cheer me up. Now, this is all new to me. Not just this loss, but opening up. I usually dont trust people with my issues, as I feel I'll be let down or hurt. I'd say about half way through december is when I started getting paranoid. I would apologise CONSTANTLY for texting or talking to them. After awhile I saw it was annoying them, but I had a hard time controlling my emotions. Eventually, I was flat out ignored by one of them. The pain in that hurt almost as much as the loss. It felt as though I gained a new friend who will get me thirough this...AND lost them in a matter of 2 months. Again, I would ask and then I'd get a response and I would be told not to worry, they have their own issues to deal with. They want to be here but dont know what to say. I take that and I'm happy, until i start to snap again. I honestly know i'm kinda rambling here, but I'm writing this as I see it in my mind.I just feel so betrayed and alone. If you are going to tell someone you are here for them, you better know the situation and be ready, because its allot. Especially in the state of mind I am in... its not fair to me or them. I feel like a jerk for even saying anything to them, then when i feel like I upset them... thats when they get upset. I know it can be exhausting, but why would they say theyre here. I feel like they dont care at times but when i call them out on it for real, they assure me they do. They take the time to talk... Am I being too needy? Is this normal? A I expecting too much? are they wrong? Am I? or are we all slightly at fault? I REALLy wish they NEVER reached out to me. I never asked them to. They didnt have to offer help. If they hadnt, everything at work would be the same, and I wouldnt feel so damn awkward around them now... Grief is kicking me in the gut... and this is compounding everything.... And, not to complain, I have ADHD on top of this... so my mind never stops as is........ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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