Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

So Confused


Recommended Posts

Ok so my mother passed away at the age of 43, on 10/23/13, two days after her birthday. I'm a mentally strong 23 year old guy and I can usualy deal with any and all issues head on. This has been a bit different. I have 2 younger sisters, one of whom is expecting. The oldest is 18 and also has a list of mental disorders... the younger is 16, she, like me, is very strong and independant emotionally. My mother suffered from LONG term pain medication abuse. In and out of psych wards, and rehab programs, but ultimately nothing worked. All three of us were there when she died, of what i expect to be a overdose. I came from work and she was just so out of it, but I figured "Hey, she's been here before, she'll wake up soon and ask for a soda." About two hours later, my youngest sister comes screaming that my moters not breathing... I rush in as does my other sister. I see her lying there, pale as can be, lips blue, not breathing. There was vomit in her mouth and nose, so i immediately turn her over to get what i can out, before performing cpr/mouth-to-mouth, I knew from the start it was futile... everytime i pressed on her chest, she would convulse and her eyses would open...but there was no life in they eyes at all. We called 991 as I was trying what I could. My sisters ran outside, crying and confused, and that got our neighbors and friends to rush in to see what was going on. The whole situation was very traumatic for all involved. We get taken to the hospita by our friends, where she is pronounced dead on sight. Skip ahead a few days later, my youngest sister and I are with her side of the family, the other went with her boyfriend. Everybody is being very nice, asking how we are. My sisters were torn up, and don't get me wrong, I was too. But i was able to handle myself. I get a text from an unknown number about a day later. It was from one of my co-workers who i have known for two years. We weren't exactly close at first hel, we flat out didn't get along. But sometime before this we were becoming pretty good friends.Her text was saying that she was sorry and that if I need someone to talk to that I can always talk to her. I thanked her and was truly moved. Within the same timeframe, I get another message from another co-worker. I have only known this one for about 3 months. She was a friend of the girl who just texted me so like her we didn't really speak much, until we got talking and became friendly at work. She said some of the same, saying that anytime I need someone to talk to just hit her up. She said it's ok because she considers me a friend and she cares. They both came to the funeral which I also appreciated. I honestley thought I wouldn't ned help. I didn't cry yet... I was handling myself and looking out for family. But, for some reason... Just before Thanksgiving, it hit me. I was a wreck. I'd say it was about two weeks in to November actually when it started. I never realy called them, because I dont like people to hear me cry, so I would text. At first it all seemed OK. I had support, they let me vent and just talked dumb stuff to cheer me up. Now, this is all new to me. Not just this loss, but opening up. I usually dont trust people with my issues, as I feel I'll be let down or hurt. I'd say about half way through december is when I started getting paranoid. I would apologise CONSTANTLY for texting or talking to them. After awhile I saw it was annoying them, but I had a hard time controlling my emotions. Eventually, I was flat out ignored by one of them. The pain in that hurt almost as much as the loss. It felt as though I gained a new friend who will get me thirough this...AND lost them in a matter of 2 months. Again, I would ask and then I'd get a response and I would be told not to worry, they have their own issues to deal with. They want to be here but dont know what to say. I take that and I'm happy, until i start to snap again. I honestly know i'm kinda rambling here, but I'm writing this as I see it in my mind.I just feel so betrayed and alone. If you are going to tell someone you are here for them, you better know the situation and be ready, because its allot. Especially in the state of mind I am in... its not fair to me or them. I feel like a jerk for even saying anything to them, then when i feel like I upset them... thats when they get upset. I know it can be exhausting, but why would they say theyre here. I feel like they dont care at times but when i call them out on it for real, they assure me they do. They take the time to talk... Am I being too needy? Is this normal? A I expecting too much? are they wrong? Am I? or are we all slightly at fault? I REALLy wish they NEVER reached out to me. I never asked them to. They didnt have to offer help. If they hadnt, everything at work would be the same, and I wouldnt feel so damn awkward around them now... Grief is kicking me in the gut... and this is compounding everything.... And, not to complain, I have ADHD on top of this... so my mind never stops as is........

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have found that for me it helps to have a grief counselor I can share deeply with that I don't have to deal with on a personal and professional level. I think that people at work mean well, but as you note--it is a lot--when dealing with grief and expecting anyone to fully be there for me seems to lead to disappointment and feeling worse. I am especially careful with work relationships, because although people might mean well I don't want them to know my deep down personal as it can lead to betrayal too easily and I have to work.

I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you'll find support in a variety of places. The emotions and complications that come when a death of a parent is coupled with a really rocky relationship. My dad died in September. I'm still in the ups and downs of dealing with that as well so don't hesitate to come here and reach out any time!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank u @pastmidnite. I understand fully. However, this job is a bit different, it's not a typical office job. We are all extremely young, and I've grown close to these two in particular. So it's just very confusion, I know it's been hard on them too, but if they want to be there then they should know what they're getting into. Other than that I hold no grudge, life has to keep going with our without their support.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry for your loss and all you are going through. It is a LOT to go through, and esp. at such a young age. It could be that your "friends" didn't know what what would be in store and like you say, you're all young...that doesn't mean they didn't mean it when they offered, just that they didn't know how it would go.

Instead of feeling angry that they aren't coming through for you the way you'd like, it'd be good to find a grief counselor and maybe a grief support group to help you through your feelings, emotions, etc. It can be too much to deal with on your own. It's good to have a safe place to get it out and vent. How are your sisters doing?

It's okay to cry and sometimes we can't always shield it from those around us...they should understand that in a grief situation, but most people are ignorant when it comes to grief. I, too, have always preferred to keep my personal life separate from my job, it's just how I was trained to think, I find it's less complicated not to mix the two, but sometimes in a grief situation it's hard to completely shut it off. Did you take some time off after your mom died? I only got two weeks off after my husband died, it was hard going back to work when I couldn't even think straight, but on the other hand, it kept me occupied some so in that sense it was good. Nights and weekends were the hard part. The holidays are tough. Thankfully those are past now. Do try to find a grief counselor to help guide you through this process, it can be quite a muddle otherwise.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@kayac Yeah thanks. I haven't been thinking clearly lately. They seem to understand. Now my biggest thing is not wanting to hurt them, and I wanna show I understand what it's like to be smothered by someone who is depressed. It's not fun, and it isn't fair. I'm trying to be self reliant again...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for your loss. You have been through so much with the loss of your mother preceded by the problems and addictions with which she struggled and which have affected all of your lives. Her sudden death and dealing with your two sisters has been a lot for anyone to deal with. Your work friends most likely were well intended when they offered help but then did not really know what to say or do and pulled away. This is a very common response to loss on the parts of family and friends. Many of us here have experienced that. It does not mean they were not serious when they offered but frequently when people do not know what to say in grief situations, they pull away.

I hear your concerns about not hurting them but it appears that you really have no real support through this chapter of loss. I urge you to seek out a grief support group and/or a well trained grief counselor. Your life with your mother has not been easy and her death was shocking and traumatic. It seems like it is time to deal with all of that and I hope in addition to coming here and being part of this circle of supportive people you will contact Hospice or another resource for the name of a qualified grief counselor/therapist and a support group so that you can come to terms with your life experiences with your mom, her death and your own pain and loss. I am so sorry all this has happened to you and your sisters.

Peace

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok so I realise now that I'm not the only one whose experienced this... I also learned that the advice I was given was adequate. I'm gonna be straght here... I know i have a good head on my shoulders, I just didn't know how to react. Will I have my moments of insanity still? Sure, but just because I have people who said they would help doesn't mean to take it out on them. And yes, my sisters are doing well thank u all for asking. My issues have been exhausting to me and everyone, I just need to find something to distract me from the issues, that isn't in a bottle or in my contacts list.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear John, I too am very sorry to learn of your mother's untimely death, and I can't imagine how traumatic the circumstances of her dying must have been for you and your sisters. I agree with what's been said about your friends at work; generally people mean well, but if they've had no prior experience with significant loss, they may think that grief is a single event, not a process that can last for years, if not a lifetime. They may think that since they've expressed their sympathy once or even a few times, they've "done their duty," and they simply don't know what else is needed. Their reactions stem more from ignorance than anything else.

If I may say so, I think that learning more about what you're going through will serve you better than finding something to distract you from your pain. That approach rarely works, and I think on some level you know that already. Still, grief can make us feel (and act) very "crazy" (what you call "moments of insanity") and unless we understand what is happening to us and why, it can be quite unnerving.

Your story calls to mind a number of articles that I hope will prove helpful and informative, so in that spirit I share them with you below, and I hope you'll take time to read them:

Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations

The Grief of An Overdose Death: Part 1

The Grief of An Overdose Death: Part 2

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow... complete strangers take the time to read and respond to my issues? Guys thank you, it's kind of restoring my faith in people. I will take time to read those articles regarding the overdose. Hoping now that I can put these feelings aside and at least maintain a positive work relationship for my sanity and theirs. U guys r great!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That is the most wonderful thing about this forum, John. We all know how very important it is to connect with others who understand grief and who take the time to listen. That is what we do here.

I am so sorry to hear of your mother’s death. It is important that you talk about it whether it is here or with a grief counselor or both. Nothing can really distract you from this for the pain will be there until you come to peace with it.

We are here as a safe place for you to share your feelings if that is what you choose to do. No one judges or tries to ‘fix’ things because there isn’t anything to fix. Our grief is coming to terms with the reality – our loved ones are gone and now we must find a way to deal with it.

Come here if it serves you and know that we all listen with open ears. You and your sisters will be in my prayers.

Anne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@enna yeah thank you. I've been looking for people to feel sorry for me I think, but I've had support. One of the women begged me to seek help today saying she cares for me but doesn't know what to say. She's experienced loss herself so she understands, but we grieved differently, and our relationships with our mother's was different. Thanks again... u guys are so positive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your friend that has been through grief was right to encourage you to get help. The ordinary person may want to help but doesn't know what to say or do. A grief counselor does.

I've learned that you can't circumvent grief...if you try to avoid it, it will be left facing you again and you STILL have to go through it. It's important to acknowledge our feelings and cry, scream, etc. but you need a safe place to do so...work isn't the place and some people aren't able to handle it either. This is a safe place to come to, but your a counselor will be able to steer you through this in a positive direction. Alcohol is counterproductive as it's a depressant and will make everything worse. There's no way to numb your feelings and deal with them in a progressive cohesive fashion.

Usually the hospital where someone died can offer suggestions as to where to get help with your grief, sometimes they even have support groups.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank u all again. Like I said I've had my moments. I do believe I've come to grips with the death, I just now feel as though I've been unfair to those who helped nee, that's part of what hurts. But the past two days I've been good. I wasn't prepared for any of these feelings, and want aware how negatively I could affect others. One of them went even return my texts, and I can't blame her. My issues are my issues, I refuse to take advice and not make the effort to be happy, why should I expect the effort from anybody else? They've done all they could. I've had some clarity these past couple days, thanks to you guys and an old friend. I know how it feels to deal with a clinically depressed individual who pitys themselves and wants everyone's sympathy, but doesn't attempt to be happy or seek help...my mother. She gave up, but I won't. Damn, it feels good to say this, bc I know this is what the John of 3 months ago would say to be now. Control the things you can control, everything else is for life to work out. Stay positive, think clearly, and be you... make the best of any and all situations. I'm the guy who likes to Make people laugh. They all viewed nee as pretty unflappable, where nothing that got me down was able to BRING ME DOWN. I'll be get there, no matter how long it takes. No matter how much support I have. All I can do is take the advice given... the rest is up to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am not sure what you mean by "I do believe I've come to grips with the death" and can only assume that you mean that you are functioning a bit better. I do hope you will seek out some counseling. I grew up in an alcoholic home and over the years have worked with many adult children of alcoholics (drug users etc.) and the fall out from a childhood with an alcoholic/drug addict parent is great. A sudden death complicates that. You do not have to do this journey alone. There are many options in some face to face support we will be here for you also.

Peace

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I say "come to grips" I mean that I'm accepting it. There's nothing I can do more to change it, and not every memory of my mother needs to be sad. I also didn't realise that the few days AFTER binge drinking would affect me so much, as those were the days I felt the worst emotionally. Like you guys say, it's a journey, but journey doesn't have to be all pain... it's high time I stop being Selfish about it though... my family needs me, and all anybody wants to see is me being me again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You will have ups and downs, that's to be expected. You will likely encounter "grief bursts" (which come out of nowhere and with the most random triggers)...we have to accept and deal with them when they come. Your journey has just begun. Like Mary, I am an "adult child of an alcoholic" and I didn't realize how much it affected me until I was in my 40s...it does. (There's a book called by that name, and it was very helpful to me.)

It is good to try to be positive and focus on what is good in life, but sometimes, just sometimes, it's hard to see it. It's then that it helps to have a support system in place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know. I'm a strong person. I audio know in not OVER the death I'm just more accepting. Now i just have this sickening feeling that I actually hurt the people who were here to help me through this... it's not fair to them that I question their loyalty and friendship... now that in not drinking I see how poorly I've acted. Ppl say it's normal when grieving, that doesn't make it right. I know they care, or DID care... but I have nobody to blame but myself. I wasn't prepared for this...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

John,

Rather than worry about what you said to your work friends, why not just explain briefly to them and apologize. You certainly have enough on your mind and they will most likely understand.

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree, all you can do is damage control at this point. If they don't want to talk to you, maybe pick out a card that says "thank you for being my friend" and TELL them you know you've been difficult and you're sorry, and TELL them you appreciate their having been there for you and that for the rest of your life, you will remember their kindness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@kayc

Yeah, and thats what I'm doing. I'm thanking those who've helped me through it and apologising to anybody I feel I may have wronged. A friend doesn't want me to thank her or apologise, bc she feels that we're fine regardless. This other friend is pretty much done though. She said that she won't be helping me anymore and I can't blame her. I flat out questioned why she reached out and came to the funeral... I think that was the last straw for us. Idk why I said that and made her feel used and abused, but I wasn't myself there. The past week I've been well, I just don't know what to do about her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You know, there's different kinds of friends...there's the thin skinned kind, and she seems to be one of them, they can't work through the least little bump. Then there's the "stand by the stuff" kind, of which your other friend seems to be made of, and they understand where you're coming from and "no forgiveness necessary". Thank God for those, they're rare! :) I don't think you can do any more than you've done except respect her wishes and give her her space. Maybe she'll come around with time, but she may not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't say it any better than Kay did. Some friends are able to be there and some are not able. I suspect many of us have experienced this in our losses.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah... the way I'm wired I can't stand the fact that I may have hurt someone who we just trying to help... and the fact she's so passive aggressive, where she won't even give me any of the anger I feel should be directed at me (idk y I feel that) kind of makes me feel like she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but just can't take it anymore. Makes me think she might still care, and that sucks that I could hurt somebody like that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please don't worry about it. When we go through grief, anger is one of the stages, and sometimes we can misdirect it without realizing it. Most people will realize that but she doesn't seem able to handle it, and that is her problem, not yours. You've apologized and that's about all you can do. If you think it'd help, maybe write her a short note telling her that, end with your appreciation for her, and then it's up to her. If you've already done that or if your note has been returned unopened, there's nothing you can do, just let it go and chalk it up to experience/learning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...