Physical Contact In Our Grief

[mfh]

One of the things we who grieve miss so much is physical contact with our beloved. What I have noticed since Bill died is how few people in my life, who do hug me (and there are many), do not come close to the 20 seconds mentioned in this brief statement below. If I happen to be sobbing, that changes and a friend will hold me while I cry, but otherwise 3-8 seconds is probably about it.
I would bet that most grieving people would welcome many 20 second (or more) hugs.

The average length of a hug between two people is 3 seconds. But researchers have discovered something fantastic. When a hug lasts 20 seconds, there is a therapeutic effect on the body and mind. The reason is that a sincere hug produces a hormone called "oxytocin", also known as the love hormone. This substance has many benefits in our physical and mental health, helps us, among other things, to relax, to feel safe and calm our fears and anxiety.

This wonderful calming is offered free of charge every time we have a person in our arms, who cradled a child, we cherish a dog or cat, we're dancing with our partner, the closer we get to someone or just hold the shoulders of a friend the more grounded and loved we feel.

[Ron B.]

Yes indeed, hugs are emotionally reassuring and restorative. And that's especially true for the people here who have lost spouses, because they've lost hugs and physical contact they once had in abundance. But the opportunities for physical affection are very different for each of us. Women seem to be a bit more relaxed in matters of physical affection. Men seem to be more constrained, perhaps for cultural reasons. In any case, hugs are sometimes not available for all of us. The last hug I had was more than a year ago, if I do not count the affection of cats and dogs. But I do have a working substitute for hugs, and that's honest face-to-face communication with other people. Usually there is some exchange of human warmth and emotion during conversation. And there are other reassuring forms of communication, such as the smile. So yes, I agree with you that it'd be better if everyone had hugs in abundance. But for those of us who don't have hugs, we get by on the kind word, the smile, and a little conversation.

Ron B.

[enna]

Ron, I so agree with your thought. Not all of us have people who are eager to hug but many are friendly, they smile, they say kind things, and they might even make a phone call. It would be nice if people felt more comfortable to hug but most don’t.

I would love to receive hugs but it is not something that happens often to those of us who have lost our spouses or significant others. I have friends who visit and want to know how I’m doing but they don’t hug. They say we are supposed to ask for what we need but I think that if I asked for a hug I’d loose many friends! The last hug I received was from my grief counselor months ago. I would even be happy with a virtual hug if it were offered but we shy away from those too. Now a virtual hug I am not afraid to ask for so those of you reading this let’s all give each other a virtual hug. You know you want one.

[mfh]

Dear Ron,

You are not the first man I have heard refer to the fact (yes, fact) that getting a hug from anyone happens far less often for a man than it does for a woman. I am so glad that you see smiles, conversation, eye-to-eye contact as other opportunities to experience warmth and closeness.

Anne and Ron, I am sending both of you a long, warm virtual hug...at least 20 seconds if not more.

I do feel blessed to have friends who hug. Maybe it is the small midwestern town mentality....but again...even with that, those hugs do not last long for the most part. I am sorry for all of us who just need and want the warmth of a hug...and that people find it to be such a difficult gift to give.

Mary

[MartyT]

[mfh]

To everyone here.....a 20 second plus plus plus plus hug...including you, Marty....

[JeL]

I'm a bereaved woman and I have a guy friend who has a nice alternative to a hug. He's offer this contact every time we've seen each other since my husband died 4 months ago. Curious, his wife is not a hugger, tho' she's a good friend, too. It's quite comforting and in no way intrusive:

He gently holds my hands and lightly touches his forehead to my forehead and asks me to take a few breaths with him. We pause, breath, silently hold hands for 15 - 30 seconds. Peaceful....powerful. As good as a hug - no boundary issues, communicates so much.

[mfh]

Dear JeL

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad this couple is providing support, each in their own way...the husband with his own unique sign of warmth...as you say "peaceful...powerful."

Mary

[steph.ny]

Since my deaths, I ask people in appropriate settings "Would you like a hug" or "Can I give you a hug". I haven't gotten to the point

where I can say " I need a hug" but those asking them about hugs secretly is because I need to be touched. I hate it when the hug is something the person agrees to but you can feel the hug was given with no feeling behind it. Oh well, you can't have it all.