Seriously... More?!

[Mary1063]

Sorry, I've been gone. Literally, not home. My birth Mom... Who did not raise myself, my brothers, and our little sister past a very young age... Is on her death bed. She is in end stage liver failure. My feelings are very sorely mixed. Leo felt some "obligation" towards her when he was still here. So now I am taking on that role. Also, my therapist of more than ten years passed on last Saturday. Suddenly, by suicide. My feelings regarding her are very mixed and complex right now. As much as I wish to go into all this is, I guess I am in protection mode and not certain all I am really honestly feeling. I am preparing for my Mom's passing and arrangements. I was asked to be in charge of that because my brother is no longer here to do so. I'm angry. I'm just plain angry.

I'm exhausted. And that is making me ill. I've got bronchitis now, so arrangements have been slow going. Thank God for my husband. I'm still getting used to the seizure meds I've been on so the side effects are driving me bonkers.

I miss my brother. I miss them both. I miss my SIL. This family has been through way too much.

I. Am. Done. Emotionally.

Why my therapist chose to end her life is so messed up. That is killing me.

This is so "all over the place". I apologize.

I'm going to attempt to rest. Though too many demons are in my head and heart.

[mfh]

Mary, your post left me breathless. Your load has been and is so very heavy and now two more significant losses stand in front of you, one that is so difficult to understand as your long term therapist ended her life and the other one of very mixed feelings also.

I am just so very sorry. I know you go into this in an extremely fatigued state and how grateful I am that your husband is there to assist you and walk through this with you. You must wonder what is next? And your anger is so understandable as those who you loved most are gone and also because of that they are not here to assist with these new losses.

I send my prayers to you and your husband as you walk through this. Shannon spoke of a therapist also that she had seen for a long time and I believe you have seen her also. Is she someone you can turn to at this time since she knows so much about the family?

Of course you are in protection mode after all you have been through and now this. I carry you in my heart as you walk through all this. Please make sure to get as much rest as possible as you manage your birth mother's passing.

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I am overwhelmed just reading of everything you are trying to process, work through, and take care of. My dear Mary, I am holding you close in my heart, and sending loving {{{hugs}}} to you. I am so sorry for all this pain that seems to flow like an unending flood. I am glad you have your husband, and hope you can find a support group close by for you.

But, Mary, remember that this is also your family and tribe right here, and we are all here for you. I truly wish I could hug you and hold you close and comfort you for a while. You need a lot of loving and holding right now. I am holding you in my heart, dear one.

I hope you can find a little peace each day, and I am praying for you and your family.

Blessings and Much Love,

fae

[Mary1063]

Hi Bill's Mary and thank you.

Yes, Shan had a blessed therapist for nearly eight years. She has remained in contact with me since Sept. However, she is seeing clients on a part-time basis now. She offered to fit me into her schedule. If and when I am ready. I am thinking on it. It's hard. One thing that Shan and I had very much in common was a trust issue and heightened fear of loss. So as you can imagine, my own therapist's passing and to suicide at that, is really throwing me for a loop. Obviously I realize I do need the support. It is just so hard for obvious reasons.

When it comes down to it though, I know pretty quickly here that I will have no choice but to accept new help. And honestly, Rose is so easy to talk to.

As far as rest, I am trying my very best. I mainly doze for short periods. This bronchitis certainly isn't making it easier as I must pretty much sit up to relieve congestion and coughing. Uggghhh...

[Mary1063]

Thank dear Fae,

I feel your hugs. They are better over the Internet than in person right now... I wouldn't want to pass this bronchitis along!

I hope you are well. I send hugs back.

And as Shan always told me she loved... Your *twinkles*.

[mfh]

Hi Bill's Mary and thank you.

Yes, Shan had a blessed therapist for nearly eight years. She has remained in contact with me since Sept. However, she is seeing clients on a part-time basis now. She offered to fit me into her schedule. If and when I am ready. I am thinking on it. It's hard. One thing that Shan and I had very much in common was a trust issue and heightened fear of loss. So as you can imagine, my own therapist's passing and to suicide at that, is really throwing me for a loop. Obviously I realize I do need the support. It is just so hard for obvious reasons.

When it comes down to it though, I know pretty quickly here that I will have no choice but to accept new help. And honestly, Rose is so easy to talk to.

As far as rest, I am trying my very best. I mainly doze for short periods. This bronchitis certainly isn't making it easier as I must pretty much sit up to relieve congestion and coughing. Uggghhh...

Yes, Mary, I thought of how seeing another therapist, even one you know a bit, will be frightening in view of what has happened but it sounds as if you are pretty much ready to act in spite of that understandable fear. I know you will do what is best for you. Yes, I understand that one must pretty much sit up to relieve congestion. When I have congestion, I sleep in my recliner. I hope you have a chair like that so you can sleep as comfortably as your congestion allows. I am holding you. Mary

[MartyT]

Mary, dear Mary, I am so, so sorry ~ I join the others in wrapping my arms around you ♥

[enna]

Thinking of you and holding you close to my heart. ♥

Anne

[kayc]

Mary,

Wow, that is so much!

I'm not sure who put you in charge of making your mother's final arrangements. While it is kind of you to do so, it should not be at your expense, you have more than enough on your plate right now. Leo must have been a very gentle forgiving spirit. I want you to know you are not obligated to take on this role. Do you owe her for givinlg birth to you? I don't think so. That is something that is up to you and you alone. My mom was abusive to us kids all of our lives. Because of how kind and forgiving we all are, we have chosen to be there for her in her latter days, but it is not out of obligation, for we don't "owe" her anything. She is lucky to have us. One of my sisters decided to cut out of her life years ago, and had not seen or spoken to her for years. The rest of us supported her in her decision. It's a very individual decision. My mom has, in her dementia, softened, so I thought it would be good for my sister to see my mom in her changed state, healing for my sister. I have taken her to see her three times...two of those times she elected to go in and visit with her a short time. It has been healing. It is not my mom I am thinking of when I bring Peggy to see her, it is Peggy. Whatever is best for Peggy is my main concern, I know the suffering Peggy has had in her life because of my mom. The rest of us have been able to forgive my mom, and I believe Peggy is now in that process as well.

For you, it is up to you and no one else what you choose to do about your birth mom. She will be buried or cremated as the state will not leave her body to rot, it will all be taken care of. Some people elect not to have a service, family or not. I hope when you own that choice, you can make it about YOU, and what is in YOUR best interest, regardless of what you decide. You have had to bury Ziggy and Leo and Shannon, you have had your own physical infirmities which have been great. Your plate is full. That being said, you may choose to go ahead and take care of your birth mom's final arrangements...or not. But I hope whatever it is, it will be what is best for YOU as you do not need more stress or suffering. I care about you and all you are going through.

I am so sorry about your therapist. Apparently she had her own demons which she felt she couldn't handle. Sometimes it's easier to impart advice to others than it is to apply it to ourselves, perhaps this was the case for her. I'm glad she was able to help you for so many years. Our lives count, and her life counted for that and so much more. It's sad that she lost sight of that and all that her life held and could have held and she succumbed to the overwhelming emptiness and pain she may have felt in her inner aloneness. So many suffer alone. I am glad you are not one of them, that you are able to open up and experience life and share in it with your husband, and with us here. I hope you will be able to find a new therapist that will help you on your journey.

I will be praying for you as you make decisions and heal and continue on this path that is life. (((hugs))

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I thought I'd better send some more *<twinkles>* to you along with more {{{hugs}}} and love.

I am thinking of you as you make the difficult journey back to wellness and peace.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[MartyT]

Mary, I keep thinking of your learning the horrible news about your therapist, and I am so sorry. I found this article, and although some of the circumstances are different, I think it also serves to explain some of what you may be feeling in the wake of this tragedy, and I hope it helps to shed some light:

When Your Therapist Commits Suicide

[Mary1063]

Thank you all.

My Mother passed on very early this morning. I don't know how I feel except relief and guilt for feeling relief. I have few good memories of she and my brothers and sister. Before we all were taken away. I perhaps should have gotten to know her with Leo and attempted to have some fences mended but I chose not to. She will be cremated. I can not take on that responsibility and wwe spoke to the nursing home Sunday about it. The state will pay for her cremation. And there will be no service. Only a memorial at the nursing home for her friends. They are taking care of it all. Thank God because I just cannot. However, my heart is heavy. Why? I don't know really. Maybe for what never was.

Marty, thank you for the article on the loss of therapist to suicide. I'm really grappling with her loss. I will be starting to see Rose. I thought it would be a conflict of interest, because she treated Shan but she says no it is ok.

It is very cold here and we are expecting a foot of snow between now and morning. I'm still struggling with bronchitis.

Keep warm everyone.

[mfh]

My dear Mary, I am so sorry....for what is and for what never was. I do believe many times we grief for what never was. You are wise to limit your involvement in view of the circumstances including your health. I am relieved that you are seeing Rose. She knows so much about your family and you deserve to have support. I hold you in my heart as you go through this painful chapter in your life. Please get rest and get well.

Peace to your broken heart,

Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

I am so sorry. I am glad the confliction is over. I understand also your feeling guilty...you didn't earn that, the relief is not from your mom dying it is from all of the "stuff" being over. She didn't take on the "mom" role to you any more than mine did with me, although my mom did raise me (she was extremely abusive to us, all of our lives). I've made my peace with my mom in the time since she got Dementia, but I struggled for many years with how I felt about her, how to deal with her, etc. For you, at last, the struggle can be over. I'm glad the nursing home is taking care of the cremation, you shouldn't have to. Now, hopefully, you can focus your efforts on your health and getting well. Yes, I think, as Mary said, when we have a less than acceptable situation with a parent, the grief is often for what never was and should/could have been. That was not up to us, but to them. Sometimes their inner demons or lack in coping abilities takes charge of the situation and we just suffer the fallout.

I really wish you well, and hope now, dear Mary, that you can have some rest and peace.