Time

[Wifflesnook]

Real grief is not healed by time. If time does anything, it deepens our grief.

The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who he/she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what their love meant to us. Henry Nouwen

At the moment time seems my enemy. It will be three years this November since our lives changed when my Pete had the stroke and two years this May since he died. Instead of Time being a healer, it seems to bear a sword which cuts me with pain when I think of how long I have endured without my Pete. Instead of getting better it seems to get more difficult. I know I am coping so well on one level. A superficial level, but deep down in my heart my pain is if anything sharper. I know it's ok to post this. I love to read the positives, and I do take some comfort from reading them, but right now I just want to howl in pain at the loss. January is a cold dark month, and this may be contributing to my mood. Tomorrow I drive to see our daughter and her little girls and Thursday I am taking care of them all day whilst she works in London. In early February I do it again, but this time for two days. I know this will be good for me, but my heart sinks all the same at having to push myself physically. And a week or two later our lovely niece, nephew and children are coming to stay. Again my heart sinks, even though I love them. I am well, thank goodness, just very very low deep inside. I know you won't mind my sharing this. I know you will all have gone into this trough or indeed are in it. I will cope with it, but oh, it's so hard.

[enna]

I sit with you in your pain, Jan. We do know that death really changes everything.

[feralfae]

Dear Jan,

I often think that time has only made my longing for Doug's presence so much greater, even as I grow in acceptance of his absence from this plane.

As my grief lifts a bit, I am more able to find a place in my heart to hold Doug and the wonderful memories of all our days together, even the last years of illness and the gradual, perceptible, increasing loss of Doug the man I loved and married. As I slowly watched him become weaker and weaker, fighting every step of the journey, asking for more chemo, asking for any and all treatments that would let him stay, I am reminded that our love goes on.

Time does not heal the broken heart, but it begins to soften the pain enough that I can look at some of the broken pieces and beigin to build from those, choosing which pieces to use as I begin to create this new life. I cried so last night, wishing Doug were here to be happy with me about the kitchen remodel. I cried that my future does not have Doug smiling, laughing and holding my hand, kissing and loving me. I cried that no matter how much I try to think otherwise, no matter how much I wish to be whole again, I know that my wholeness will never, ever be the same. Time is bringing acceptance, and with that acceptance comes a whole new flood of tears and loneliness, of heartbreak and sadness for my Beloved.

Yet we go on, because we still have this gift of Life, and because while doors have closed, other doors are opening. It hurts so much. Tears are falling as I type this. The crying helps. Yesterday, after the plumbers left, I was so worn out that I just collapsed on the sofa for a while and whimpered, missing Doug who handled these projects usually, and who knew how to talk to the tradespeople a lot better than I do. I missed his wisdom, his patience, his vision, and his support. Mostly, though, I missed having Doug here to celebrate with me that we have a sink again, with a new faucet, that the guest bath is all fixed. That the new faucet in the master bath is functioning beautifully. We would have celebrated together, having a glass of wine and some smoked salmon and rice crackers. I drank a glass of wine alone, from a case Doug bought one year for my birthday long ago.

We have been blessed with wonderful love and magnificent husbands, and I am entirely grateful for my Doug, as I know you are for Pete, and Anne is for Jim, and Mary for Bill, and Kay for George. We know in this life we will go through transitions of leaving home, marrying, having babies, seeing those children off on their own adventures, and then we relax into the loving companionship of the years of living our love as we began—as two people on an adventure, loving each other and celebrating that love with our most intimate friend and lover. And although we know that one day, one of us will say goodbye to the other and help them to cross that bridge into a new state of being, I don't know of anyone who was ever prepared to accept the fact of the crossing without floods of tears and sadness. Grief rises from our bones and blood, from our very hearts. It is a human condition.

We learn to carry the pain, and we live through it, and we begin to build a new life in the smallest of ways. We put away a toothbrush. We pack their shoes and boots from the closet. We begin to sort their papers. We put their mug in a box with the toothbrush and their combs. We pack away the pens that were on their desk.

And we do all this through the tears that help to release the pain, give tribute to the sadness and loss, and help us to clear, drop by drop, the grief from our being. I don't know if it ever stops.

Jan, we are all finding our way, and thank goodness we have this fire to come to, to share and learn and find some comfort.

I wish I had better words to share this morning. I hold you and Anne both especially in my heart today. May we find a bit of peace in our day today.

namaste,

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Fae thank you. Heart reaches out to heart on this forum. I am intending to copy your message as I often do with special ones, just to keep and read privately. How well we all understand each other. Non trite remarks, just warmth and love and empathy. Thank you Fae. As usual you got right to my heart. I wonder if our beloved husbands know how well we are supported here. I know Pete would get tremendous help in knowing this. Thank g*d I found you all. And Anne, that quote gets it. I've pinned it. Jan

[kayc]

Jan,

I am more used to this being alone...to missing all of the things George had brought into my life that I now no longer have. But I am also now more keenly aware of each and every one of those losses brought on by his death. I no longer have anyone to wrap their arms around me, or tell my innermost thoughts to. I no longer have someone to cook for that so thoroughly enjoyed each and every dish with gusto! I no longer have someone to do the things I was not strong enough to do or knowledgeable enough to do. I no longer have someone to look forward to spending my time off with, holidays, weekends, nights. I no longer have someone that buys me little gifts or leaves little notes around the house for me to find. I no longer have that someone that brought spontanaety into my life, who was fun and brought a fresh look at life!

Those losses will never be replaced and I have had to learn to live a changed life without them. As you can see, they were the great joys in my life...now I am left only with the little joys and even those are up to me to look for, acknowledge, and appreciate. They aren't attention grabbing in the same way that my great joy, George, was. They are easy to miss if I am not looking out for them. But they are what makes this life more doable.

This is a hard time for you and you're in my thoughts, you and Anne both. I'm having a hard time focusing since I read her post this morning. It is just so hard.

[LarrysGirl]

Time has done nothing to heal my grief, only exhausted me further into the sadness.

[mfh]

Dear Jan, I so appreciate your post and I do understand. Time is not the healer and in fact over time, most of us tend to miss our beloved more rather than less. We also, as fae said so well, come to a place of acceptance and softer edges to our pain. Fae expressed well some of my own thoughts on this. I am so glad you could be so honest (as you always are) and post your pain regarding time. I think when society tells everyone that "time will heal our pain", society does not see what everyone here experiences. Time does not heal. We heal and work hard at that and the hole is always there.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I just read Anne's news and I wish I hadn't posted this now. Her loss is so raw. So unfair.

[MartyT]

Jan, dear heart, I hope you never feel a need to recant any of your posts, and most especially this one. Your heart is hurting, and for good reason. We all know that only adds to the compassion and understanding you feel for Anne. Everyone on this site is hurting ~ and at times like this, we hurt not only for ourselves, but for one another. This is a very, very sad day. How I wish we could gather together in person to surround our Anne with the love we feel for her, as we share in her sorrow at the loss of our beloved Benji. ♥

[mfh]

Jan, I do believe Anne would never want you to regret a post you made. And yes, as Marty said so well, what a wonderful thing it would be to gather around Anne and yet we do that by being here...though it is not the same for sure. Keep on posting, Jan.

Mary

[HAP]

Dear Jan,

Year two, especially the end of it, was awful for me--as it is for you. Part of it is the expectation we come into this with: that if we can just get through the first year, everything will be OK again. And then it isn't. Year three seems to have been about coming to terms with myself and trying to figure out what I do now without her. It wasn't wonderful either. Here at the beginning of year four, the world has begun to truly intrude again. Sometimes it has been pleasant. Other times...

For me, at least, each year has been different at the same time it has been the same. There is always this empty place in my soul I know will never be filled. But there is also a return of my ability to recall things beyond the pain of her death. The world has begun to slow down again. For all that I am still busy, I feel less rushed, less harried, somehow less constantly crushed. Maybe I have just gotten used to feeling crushed--I don't know. But it is different from where I was a year ago.

As Fae says, the edges of the pain seem to soften or dull over time. But Mary is also right: the missing deepens and broadens. The paradox of all this, I think, is another thing that makes everything so difficult. It is enormously confusing and contusing.

And of course winter--especially this one--doesn't help any of it. I find a Vitamin D supplement helps with that a bit. But nothing entirely cures it.

Be well. We are all here--and here for a reason.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

As I start into year 5, having come through the 4 year anniversary of Mike's death, I realize, as have we all, time really does not change anything and yes death changes everything. I miss Mike as much today as I did 4 years ago, and right now just want to sit and cry. I loved the thumbnail, Anne, it speaks so truly to all we are all feeling today. It said exactly how I feel. Jan, all I can do is send you hugs and tell you I understand. We all do. I wish, also, we could all be in Arizona and physically surround our Anne with hugs. Hope she can feel the love and caring.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Wifflesnook]

Thank you Harry. Thank you everyone. I've just come back from my local history meeting. One where I was always used to my Pete waiting with a glass of wine, ready and interested to hear about it. The gap will never be filled. But the meeting of minds on this forum helps me so much. I know that like all of you I will just keep on keeping on, Pete would want me to, in fact he would know I would do so, somehow. I can empathise with what Harry said about every year being different and yet the same. I just don't want TIME to make me feel further away from Pete. I want what we all want. A closer union with our beloved ones, even though we recognise that it isn't the same physical relationship. Sometimes I think I have this, because if I did not I would feel even more alone than I do. And tonight I am feeling so sad for our beloved friend Anne. And thanks Mary and Marty for your understanding.

[mfh]

QMary, I understand completely how you feel about time not changing things and that 4 years later you want to sit and cry today. And today is sad. We are all feeling the pain of others here today. And as sad and difficult as that is, I can't help but be grateful that we can all be here for each other in the pain of the losses in our lives.

[kayc]

That is how I felt...I posted mine on Positives before I read Anne's post. I thought about removing it, but then I thought we all need a positive now more than ever.

This is a very emotional time for us all. I realize I could very well have another 30 years without George and that seems a very long time. But I have 8 1/2 down, and have learned to live with this. Sometimes it just seems too empty and quiet without him. This week I read something, it asked us what our purpose was, and I didn't have a clue. I used to know, used to have one.

[enna]

My dear friend, Jan, in England and ALL the rest of you dear souls - gathered in support of each other gives us the strength we need to ride those waves. Today/tonight it is my turn, tomorrow it will be someone elses. The love poured out today and every day fills my heart with a comfort that no words can explain. Everything we post is a reaching out and sometimes it is our turn to give and at other times it is our turn to receive.

~♥~

Namasté - I honor the Spirit in you that is also in me.

♥

[MartyT]

Yours is a very beautiful message, dear Anne, and I thank you for that. ♥

Kay, you said you didn't have a clue as to what your purpose is. Think of all the times we've read about or encountered people who don't know what to say or what to do with those who are grieving ~ then think about the messages you've posted here over the years, straight from your heart, and all the hard-won wisdom you've shared with others in those posts. I know that there are literally hundreds of folks who've come here to read those messages, even though they may never have joined us as members, and hundreds more who are members who've benefited from your willingness to share your experiences of love and loss, and what you've learned from life. This site is an incredible source of learning for anyone who wants to learn about grief, and we have no way of knowing how many people have been touched by what's been written here. In a sense, we are all teachers here, and you are one of the best. If you're wondering whether you have a purpose, I can think of no greater purpose than that. ♥

[mfh]

Kay, I must agree with Marty. I read every single post that is made on all the forums and have for a long time now. You reach out to so many here and you have for a long long time...and each time you reach out you share wisdom, experience, personal learning, and more. More people come here than we will ever know. People read posts but never post or join and your words of love, wisdom and empathy touch many lives. So...I see you having a huge and significant purpose touching lives and contributing to the healing of all those lives.

I know it is not the same purpose as you had before George died. I get that, believe me. The purpose we had in our marriages was like a foundation to our lives...it was everywhere we were. It infiltrated every moment in so many ways. When I lost Bill I also felt that sense of purposeless because it felt like the foundation of my life was not just cracked but was gone and I was sinking into the soil beneath. I wanted that purpose back, the purpose I felt in our marriage (one that is hard to put into words) and learning to allow other parts of my life (professional and personal) to become my purpose meant acceptance of Bill's death; embracing the gifts he bestowed upon my life and still does- to be ever present; and to accept that I have new purposes, ones I initially did not want to welcome into my life. And, yes, they are multiple purposes...and always were but I just did not think much about that when Bill was alive. Those purposes are first to just be me (which has always been my purpose) because no one else on this earth can do that. Then there other purposes. One (a big one) is to reach out to others who are in pain using all I have learned from Bill's illness and death among other things. You do that...every single day from what I see. You do that here every day and I learned and am touched by your responses to people's posts. You do it with your sisters. You do it with your Mom when others would have walked away. You do it with Arlie and your cat (sorry, I forgot his/her name ) I KNOW it is not the only purpose you want in your life. We all want our beloveds back again. But our beloveds are whispering in our ears all day and all night every single day...guiding us, supporting us. You are using your loss and your wisdom so well...I call it a very special purpose that you have.

[Wifflesnook]

Mary and Marty! what lovely words and so true. I marvel at Kay's ability to choose the right words. Kay, you have helped me so many times. I know that you are a person of faith. I am not. I am a sceptic, though very much a seeker. And I count myself spiritual though not aligned to any faith. But you never preach, Kay. You just empathise. And your life is so valuable to those of us on this forum. It may not be enough to make you feel your life has purpose because I know that your life with your beloved George is what you want back and can't of course have. Mary got it when she said that the purpose that we had when we had our loved ones with us is hard to put into words. But I suppose we all knew that being alive and there for them gave us purpose enough. Their presence was enough to make our lives worth while and it worked in reverse. Now we struggle. Sometimes I feel sort of free floating. Not grounded. I'm in Leeds now, and have shopped and tidied a bit before meeting our daughter at nursery so we can pick up the two little girls. They will be pleased to see me and this will make me happy. But I just wanted to say thanks Kay.

[kayc]

My dear Anne, here you are grieving one of the greatest losses one can go through, and yet you make the effort to come here and post...that speaks volumes. My heart continues to be with you, as my prayers are also.

Marty and Mary, thank you. I guess I just feel I don't have a purpose, but yesterday as I received many messages and responded to them from someone struggling with their grief situation, he shared with me how much I'd helped him and didn't understand how/why a stranger would do that. All of us here do that, because we've been through it, we know how it feels, even though each situation is unique, we can identify with the commonalities that exist and empathize with each one.

Jan, Yes I am a person of faith, but it's that very faith that decrees personal choice and honors it, and preaching at someone is so totally against the core of my faith-belief system! Some people in their effort to share what they consider to be a good thing, cram it down everyone's throat, thus defeating their very purpose and hope for them. None of us like controllers. It's so important to respect and honor each other! And that is what my faith teaches me. I hope you enjoy your day with your daughter and granddaughters. I envy you that, I wish I was closer to my kids and had grandkids to enjoy...although I do worry that I'd be able to physically keep up with them! It's been many years since I've had a little one around, it's hard to imagine.