I Lost My Dad :(

[JWH]

On December 9, 2013-my sister's 30th birthday-we got a call that my dad's 200 year old log home was on fire and they hadn't been able to locate him. A few hours later they did find him in his kitchen, where his wood stove was. We're pretty certain he was out there trying to put the fire out when he was overcome by the carbon monoxide. They told us a normal level is 0-5 and his was 15. The entire two stories above him had also fallen on him, which is why it took so long to find him. He was 58 years old. I feel so lost. I'm not sure where we are supposed to go from here. I can't believe he's gone. He was the greatest man I've ever known. One of the only fathers I know who truly loved his children and grandchildren unconditionally. He was the first person to go out and help anyone in need of anything. I just can't believe sometimes that God would take a man that good in such a tragic way. I know that it wasn't God's conscious decision, and at this point I'm not angry with God. I'm not sure where I go from here. Or what I'm looking for. I feel like I'm lost in the woods in the dark searching for something but I don't know what it is. I know that closure is something I can't give myself and some people never find it. It makes me think a lot about tragedy and those split second decisions we make that can change everything in an instant. I am grateful for the time and the relationship we did have. Although there is nothing I wouldn't give to talk to him one more time, there was nothing left unsaid between us. We said I love you every time we talked. And he never passed up a chance to tell me how proud he was of my or how much he loved me. I feel like I need to cry but I can't. Sometimes I want to scream but I can't. I've never lost anyone else close to me. I just don't know what to do to move forward, but I know I have to keep moving forward for my kids and my husband. To anyone who reads or responds thank you in advance for any advice or kind words you have JW.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry you lost your dad, and especially in such a hard way. I have a different belief system than you, I don't think God is responsible for everything bad that happens in life, or that He "wills" it, I think life/death happens and sometimes it's rather random seeming. But we all have different beliefs, some believe in fate to the extreme, but since we have the power of choice, I don't believe that way. Some things are and some things aren't. If you can consider that, it might lend you a little comfort. I say a little because regardless, you're left with a dad that passed and that's hard to accept no matter what. My mom is slowly dying a death from dementia and Leukemia, and I'm not sure that's any better. It just sucks to lose our parents, no matter what the age or what takes them. They're our history, and our link to our family. I guess now we'll be the ones there for the younger ones. This passing on of the baton is quite a passage, and a huge adjustment for us.

I hope you feel you can come here any time and post. I've found, since I lost my husband, that it helps to express myself. One of the things I experienced was the "loss of power" I felt when he died, after all, no one asked ME if I wanted this to happen! Expressing yourself restores some of that power. It's good that you were able to express love between each other. You say you can't cry, can't scream, but perhaps you will. Have you talked with a grief counselor? Sometimes that really helps and they can guide us through this journey and help us understand that what we're experiencing is normal and help us through the different aspects of grief and loss.

Continue to feel free to post here any time, there's usually someone who will come along within a day or so and read/post.

Try to remember to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it. It's the optimum way of us being most able to cope. (Eat healthy, take walks, etc.)

[enna]

Dear JW,

I am so very sorry that you lost your father in such a tragic way. He was so young. This is still so very early in your grief. As Kay said, it is so important to take care of yourself during this time. It is good that you are here. Come here and share with us.

Anne

[Mustang]

Sorry to hear about your dads death. It sucks, and feeling lost, and overwhelmed is common. I lost my father to Prostate cancer in Nov. Take time to focus on your the father the man you loved and raised you. I know it's hard not to focus on the could have, should have issues..... but take the time to write down all good memories. I have a note book for my family and no matter how silly or tearful any of us (My wife and my kids) can write in it. Be it a story about him chasing a spider down with shoe or writing about how he would say I Love ya each time I called. It's a fun rewarding way to remember and carry on his memory. And take time for your self. Go to a park, or just a walk.... It helps.

[feralfae]

Dear JW,

I am so sorry to hear abut the loss of your dad under such sudden and dramatic circumstances. The shock and overwhelming sense of loss must be almost unbearable for you. I am glad you had such a wonderful relationship, but in some ways, that just makes his leaving so much harder to bear. I imagine he was a central emotional support for the whole family. I am so sorry.

Please remember to eat well, get enough sleep, drink enough to stay hydrated, and spend time with people who can hug and hold you, and cry when you need to cry when you are able to cry.

When we lose someone we love, it always breaks our heart. You will find a lot of good reading, links to healing and helpful meditations, and other help here on this site.

Peace to your heart, and blessings.

fae

[mfh]

Dear JW,

I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard enough to loss our parents but to lose them to an accident like the fire adds so to the pain. It is shocking and it takes time to adjust to the reality when a shock like this occurs. Even when we know a death is coming, it is difficult to accept it as a reality. The fog and shock lifts slowly allowing you to deal with this loss at a rate your mind can handle. Right now, taking care of yourself matters a lot; sharing your pain with your husband and close family and friends who will just listen to you and hold you is so very helpful. You might find that reading about grief and educating myself to a deeper level is also helpful. There are many articles at Marty's site: www.griefhealing.com

http://griefhealing.com/column-understanding-the-grief-process.htm

http://griefhealing.com/column-myths-misconceptions.htm

These links will take you to a couple of basic articles.

Feeling lost is very common. Our world was turned upsidedown and we just have no clue where to go or what to do. The shock of it also affects us and leaves us feeling disoriented. In time these shift. I believe reading posts on this site will help you especially in the forums about losing a parent. Understanding grief and seeing how others deal with it, is very helpful.

This is a good place to be. You will find people here accepting, understanding and supportive.

Peace

mary

[MartyT]

JW, my dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain. I am so sorry to learn that you lost your beloved dad so suddenly, so unexpectedly, and in such a tragic way. Your post reminds me of how I felt upon learning of my own father's sudden, unexpected death many years ago. He also died too soon, as he was only 68 and I was 35 years old at the time. I was two weeks into my first semester in graduate school, and I'll never forget the shock of it all when I got the news. It felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Like you, I loved my father dearly, and there was nothing left unsaid between us. But oh, how I wish I could sit down with him in person and talk with him again. A day does not go by that I don't think of him. I miss him so much.

The feelings you describe in your post (shock, numbness, inability to cry or to scream, feeling obligated to "keep moving forward" for your family) are all normal, but since this is your first experience with the death of someone very close to you, I know it can feel very foreign, even frightening, as if by letting go of your emotions you'll "go crazy." As one bereaved lady described it, you may feel like Humpty Dumpty: if you fall off that wall, all the king's horses and all the king's men won't be able to put you together again. But I can assure you that you are not "going crazy" ~ you are having a normal reaction to the harsh and painful reality that someone very dear and totally irreplaceable ~ your father ~ has died.

As Mary has suggested, I hope you'll take some time to do some reading about grief and father loss, so you'll have a better understanding of your own reactions and what you might do to manage them.

I want to point you to a few articles that you may find useful:

Finding Crying Time in Grief

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

The Power of Remembering: My Grandfather's Pipe

Voices of Experience: In My World, Superman

Guilt in the Wake of a Parent's Death

See also some of the links listed on this page: Death of a Parent

[Myfathersgirl]

I'm sorry for your loss too. We knew it was coming with my Grandma and that didn't help much. I can't imagine losing a parent in that way. It is hard at any time tut to not hae any warning probably makes it harder. Give yourself time. My mom has lost both of her parents already and she told my Dad that it takes about six months before you start to feel normal again and een after that there will still be some bad days mixed in with the good ones.