I Lost The Love Of My Life

[liljo]

Hi everyone,

I lost my husband almost two weeks ago, ( Jan. 14th) . I don't really have the energy to write, but I need help, so this will just be a short post for now.

Last October we found out that he had Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer, that had spread to many other organs, it was shocking to us, he was only 59 years old, thin, healthy and energetic. He only lived 3 months after that devastating diagnosis. He died at home , in the middle of the night - I was alone with him, holding his hand, but he didn't go peacefully. So, now I am haunted by those images, on top of the horrible pain of losing him.

We had been together 27 years. I don't know how to go on without him. Right now I don't really like hearing "you're gonna be ok", Or "you have a long full life ahead of you". I can't see any of that , and I don't look forward to a long life if I don't have HIM. The sadness and loneliness is overwhelming. I cry hysterically all day. Nights are unbearable. I feel immobile. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I seem to be withdrawing from everyone I know. Despite everyone's good intentions, I just feel that they don't understand unless they have actually lost a spouse (partner, soulmate)

I lost my Dad 4 years ago, and was still crying almost everyday, and then THIS happened. ( I don't handle grief well at all ?) Now, I have had to block out the pain of my Dad's death, to try to deal this new horrible loss. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the extreme pain, fear, and hopelessness that I am feeling.

Thank you for reading, hopefully I can find comfort here.

"Jo". ?

[mfh]

Dear Jo, I am so very sorry that your have lost the love of your life and to have that complicated by his not dying "peacefully". I think you will find comfort here. We have all gone through a significant loss here and we "get it" unlike so many of our friends and family who do not get it and do not know what to say or do. All of us, I believe, have run into this reaction from others and being here with those who understand and who reach out in warmth with no messages like "move on" or "you have a full life ahead of you." Folks who say those things are wanting you to feel better but they are speaking without having the experience you are now having.

You will not find anyone here saying those kinds of things to you. Grief is very unique to each person. There are however, many resources available here in addition to the members, that will educate you about grief. We will all help you deal with this and you will see that what you are feeling and experiencing is all pretty common to grief.

Grief is exhausting as you have learned so you will need to honor your exhaustion and get as much rest as possible. I wonder (when time allows) if you can share whether or not you have a job you have to go to? kids to attend to? any one person you can turn to who does not give you inappropriate messages? A girlfriend perhaps?

The overwhelming sadness and loneliness is normal. I called it gut-wrenching pain when my husband died almost 4 years ago. Early on there is hardly a moment when you can escape it and yes, nights can be lonely and difficult. Sleep when you can...even short naps help. And no, nothing can really prepare you for this loss. What I do know from my own experience and that of many others is that it will not always hurt the way it does right now. No one could have convinced me of that when my Bill died but I have learned that with reaching out to others who understand; reading to educate myself more; self care; and yes crying (I wailed) and more we walk through this pain and learn how to carry it. We will always miss our spouses... When Bill died I participated in a spousal loss group sponsored by Hospice and saw an individual grief counselor. This in spite of the fact that I had been a therapist for years. This loss was different....

For now, try to focus on getting some rest and taking care of those things that are urgent only. Try to eat some easy foods like yogurt, fruit, nuts seed and things that do not demand a lot of preparation but which give you some energy to go on. I grazed my way through the first year. Here are a couple of basic articles that may help.

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-understanding-the-grief-process.htm

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-managing-grief.htm

You have had two huge losses pretty close together. I understand that as my mom died 4 years before my husband. You will grieve both of those losses and we will all hold you and support you as you do this.

May you find just a moment or two of peace today,

Mary

[KarenK]

Jo,

I'm so sorry you have lost your husband, You are not alone here. Each of us grieve differently, but all of us have felt many of the same emotions you are experiencing. You are not losing your mind, although it certainly feels that way at times.

I lost my husband of 40+ years almost 9 months ago to cancer. At times it feels like yesterday.

One cliche that irritates me is "You have to be strong". How the heck can I be strong when I just want to curl up into a ball & disappear? As Mary says, these are well meant comments from those who care, but don't really have a clue. We truly are a group who "get it". Please join in whenever you feel like it. Tears are welcome with open arms.

I also belong to a local widows support group which has been quite comforting.

Karen

[kayc]

Jo, I am so sorry you lost your husband, and especially that it wasn't peaceful. My husband didn't look very peaceful either when I last saw him. He went the way he never wanted to. He was barely 51 and I 52.

You're right, one can't understand unless they've been through it. Yet your friends want to help you, they just don't know how or what to say to you.

I joined this site when I was about two weeks out. It's been a lifesaver for me. It's good to be able to express yourself, to me it's a way of recovering some of the power I felt I lost the day he died without my having any say in it. It's also a good place to feel understood and heard.

I hope you will feel free to continue to come here, there's nearly always someone here within a few hours. What you are feeling is normal and something all of us have felt.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[liljo]

Dearest Mary, Karen, and Kay,

I want to write you individually, but for now would just like to acknowledge your replies. They were all so beautiful, and I am sad, and sorry for the losses of your Husbands.

It's so wonderful to know that you all understand so well. Mary you had asked about my situation ( job, kids, etc), Bill and I have been self employed for 26 years. We are (were) both Artists, we travel around the country , selling our work at Art Festivals. We were together every minute of our 27 years. ( That's what makes it ever so hard). We don't have children, and we don't have a "base" of friends in the town that we live in, because we travel so much. Thank goodness my Mother lives down the road from me, and she has been a great source of support. I stayed with her for 7 days after Bill died , I was so scared to be alone at home. I am taking baby steps, and able to be in the house now, but I always need to have the TV on for background noise. I do tend to cry all the time when I'm home, because there's no one around to see me "wailing".

I will write again soon. Thank you again for your kind replies.

Love and hugs,

Jo

[mfh]

Dear Jo,

I suspected you were an artist...I think from the butterfly icon which I could not see clearly and thought it might be a painting. I am glad your mom is nearby and she certainly understands the pain of losing a spouse. You might be able to comfort each other and hear each other. It sounds like it. Yes, baby steps...nothing more and some days just getting through the day IS a baby step. My husband's name was also Bill and we were/are both therapist. Bill was a clinical psychology and I a clinical social worker in practice together and yes together 25 years and no kids between us so I can relate a great deal to what you are going through. We also had just moved back to the area but not to the village where we had lived before and when Bill was diagnosed (with Alzheimer's) we had no friends here to speak of. So I am just ahead of you in time on similar paths. Others here are also on similar paths in a variety of ways. We will all reach out to you and be there to listen... I meant to tell you earlier that reading posts from the Spousal Loss forum might prove helpful. You will see how others are coping, sharing, venting and more. You never have to reply individually but fine if you do. Sometimes we want to say something to a specific person and we may do that with several within one post. Whatever you do is just fine. I am glad you have time to grieve and wail and heal and read. Glad you are here...not WHY you are here but that you are here. Peace, Mary

[Queeniemary]

Jo, so very sorry for the loss of your husband Bill. Wish there was something really comforting to say to you, but at this point there is just nothing. All you can really do right now is just put one foot in front of the other. Eat right, try to sleep, and take care of yourself, because you are going to need all the energy you can get, grief is a very hard thing, and takes everything out of you. Now all I can tell you is that old cliché that we all hear, but it is true, time will help somewhat, but it is different for us all. Right now your grief is so new and raw that you cannot comprehend that, I believe. I have been on this site for 4 years, my husband died 4 years ago this January. The wonderful caring people on this site who "get it" have probably saved my sanity, and they have help me through some hard times. We are all here for each other, and we are here for you also. My thoughts are with you in this worst time of your life.

Mary (Queeniemary)in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Dear Jo,

I am so sorry that you have lost your Bill. My husband Doug escaped his cancer-riddled body two years ago this coming 7 February. Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of the day he told me he had to leave, that his body was not working any more.

I remember that for many weeks after Doug left, I was just in a fog, barely eating, not able to make decisions, and really just trying to stay on my feet and keep the office going. We worked together, adventured together, played together, and wrote together. We are both artists, but different media and audiences.

Right now, you are probably barely teetering with just enough energy and balance to make it through each hour. Emotionally, your body probably feels as though half of you has been amputated. And the pain is about that bad, too. I am sorry.

Please come here to talk with us and let us know how we can help to ease the pain. I am sorry you have lost Bill, but glad you have found this place where there are so many healing and healer souls.

Peace to your heart, Jo. Blessings.

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

[enna]

My dear Jo, I am so very sorry that your Bill is no longer with you in the physical sense. Please know that you are in this place where everyone understands heartache because of the loss of a spouse, partner, parent, grandparent, child, sibling, friend, or even a beloved animal.

We are here and we listen with open hearts.

Take care of yourself and allow your grief to go where it wants to go. We have all learned that each path is different.

You are in my thoughts during these hard times.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Jo

I am glad that you have found this forum. I'm in England and my beloved husband of 50 years died almost two years ago. The way I cope is by sort of internalising him. We were so close that we felt more like one person than two. The pain is still intense but somehow we carry on. I hardly remember the first year to be honest. The only people who understand are those who have gone through this. You will find support, loving words, understanding on this site. I am so very very sorry for your loss. I don't like the word loss but there doesn't seem another more appropriate one. It's good that your mother is near. Jan

[kayc]

My husband, George died 6/19/05 on Father's Day...I don't remember much of that summer except feeling frantic. I think most of us were in a surreal whirl the first few months, it was such a shock and an adjustment. I poured out my feelings here and it was a lifesaver to me. My family cared but couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. People made stupid comments...I remember my sister (she's a city girl, I'm a country girl) telling me I should sell my house and move to Portland. I tried telling her, over and over, that I love nature, don't like the city, I wanted to stay in the home George and I shared, etc. but she was pushy. I finally told her "Tell you what, Polly, when YOUR husband dies, I'll tell YOU what to do!" I wasn't mad at her, I know she loves me, but I couldn't get her to back off, and that finally shocked her into seeing things from my point of view. So many people said off-kelter things to me, it helped to have this place to come and vent to and share with others who experienced the same things. I lost my job after George died, so suddenly went from two incomes to nothing...it was a scary time. Plus my job had been my support system, my friends were there...suddenly we were all scattered and gone (the business closed). Those were very difficult times but I've made it through all of that and so much more. I know you can't see how you'll get through this, try not to look too far ahead, take a day at a time, and remember to breathe. Sometimes one day at a time will seem like too much, then break it down into an hour, a minute, whatever you CAN handle. It's been 8 1/2 years for me and I choose to sleep in a recliner rather than a big empty bed. My son asked me one time when I'm going to go back to the bed...I said probably never. I explained to him that it was just a reminder that I'm alone, that George is gone...he never brought it up again.

Perhaps you will find someone you can do your business travels with so you won't be alone on the road so much, I have a neighbor who does that with her girlfriend, although she has a husband to come home to, but at least you have your mom nearby in your home base. The two of you were so intertwined in your lives, it's going to be quite an adjustment, but just keep remembering, you can do this one moment, then do it.

We're here for you...

[liljo]

Thank you Dear Mary, Queenie Mary, feralfae, Anne , Jan, and Kay !

I wish I had the energy ( like you all do ) to write more. I just spend so much time crying, that it makes my eyes tired, and then I can't do much of anything.

Everything that you all have written is so helpful , and comforting to me.

It's only been two weeks, everything is still too fresh and the pain still unbearable. Did any of you cry often, and uncontrollably for awhile after losing your husbands ? Did everything in your homes remind you of them ?

Thank you for being patient with me . I really do want to write more when possible. Until then, I will keep reading as much as I can.

Love, and hugs to all of you.

Jo

[enna]

You are doing just what you need to do at this time, dear Jo. Your loss is so fresh. I don't remember what i did for the first months after Jim died.

Please do take care of yourself for grieving is so exhausting. I still take naps and cry and wonder what I'm going to do the rest of my life. It is better for me now. I am in my 20th month without Jim. I try to focus on good memories even though the loss is still so painful.

Yes, I cried, screamed, bawled in the shower, and even pulled over when driving and had a good cry. it still happens but not as often - some things just trigger a response.

In grief almost everything is normal. Be patient. Go slow. Don't let anyone hurry you through this time.

We are here for you.

Anne

[mfh]

My dear Jo,

Please do not worry about posting. Do only what feels right for you . We are here and when you post, people will respond. I am not sure I could have even posted two weeks after Bill died. I was crying uncontrollably and yes, every where i turned there I found Bill. I still remember making coffee one morning and pulling out a mug and sobbing because it was a mug he always brought my coffee in if he sensed I was sad about something. I remember an Allegro Bay RV motorhome going past the house-one similar to one we traveled in for 2 years...and I sat and sobbed. It took nothing to trip off and open the floodgates. I call them tsunamis of grief, waves that come in crashing and knocking you over and carrying you out to the deep dark places. Eventually those waves are further apart and weaker. But even now as I approach the 4th anniversary of Bill's death, I have days or hours when the tears just do not stop. Tears are healing. Cry. Walk through the pain...not around it. We are here for you...we get it. Take care of YOU and your pup. Bill and I have no kids either and our dog Bentley is now 10 and a big dog so I know within the next few years it will be his time and I can't bear to think about it...so I don't. I enjoy him and live in the now. I hope you can let go of that fear for now at least. Your plate is full enough. There is a pet topic on here also where we post things about our critters. Lots of animal lovers here...lots. Sleep well. Peace, Mary

[KarenK]

Jo,

For the first few months, I cried "at the drop of a hat". It is still difficult for me to say the words "I lost my husband" to a stranger I have just met, without the tears starting. For the first month or so, it just felt as if he was away on a hunting trip or something & soon would be walking through the door. Eventually reality set in & I knew he had walked through a different door. For the first six months or so, I never went anywhere alone. Our son lives nearby & he would always go with me. I can now grocery shop, do errands, go to church, etc. without having to lean on someone.

Like you, I kept the TV on all the time just for the noise. I have an old cat, but he's not great at conversation. I actually turn it off now unless I'm watching it.

We had no close friends. All my "work" friends disappeared years ago. Our daughter & son have grown children, but my daughter & family live 2,000 miles away. Fortunately, my son & his son live near. I usually see my son every week & talk with my daughter at least that often. There are still times when I don't feel like leaving my house. At times, I keep up with humanity & keep my sanity by talking to my friends here & those at Cancer Survivors Network where I have been a member since 2009 in support of my daughter & my husband, both "Cancer Warriors" as I prefer to call them.

My house is "all Ron" from the John Wayne memorabilia to all the remodeling work he did over the years, but there are things of mine mixed in. I haven't made many changes except to try & downsize. It's amazing how much unnecessary stuff you can collect over 40 years. One of the hardest things, I suppose is that no matter where I go or what I do, I have the memory of being there or doing that with Ron. There's no escape for that because we were together for so long. For the most part, they are happy memories, but it's just not the same. I can remember being a frazzled, working Mom & at times thinking "If I could only be alone". The old "Be careful what you wish for" rings so true. I DON'T LIKE BEING ALONE.

Just know that whatever emotion you are feeling, it is okay. Believe me, we all have been or are there right now. Let us know what we can do to help ease the pain.

Luv,

Karen

[kayc]

Oh yes, Jo, I cried continually! I barely held it together at work, and not even always then...nights and weekends were so hard, because then I was alone to "think". Our friends disappeared on me! It was the hardest thing I've ever been through and that says a lot! Everything reminded me of my George, and always will. I still live in our home. One thing that changed for me in my grief journey...when I first lost him, every time I thought of him I cried and it hurt. Now thoughts of him bring me comfort, encouragement, assurance. I've learned to carry him inside of me and he's with me always. That took time. At first I was frantic and inconsolable. I think all of us have been through every emotion known to man and then some! Everything you feel is normal and there's a whole host of people here who can attest to it!

[feralfae]

Dear Jo,

I cried continually. I lost 20 pounds because I could not eat. My cheeks were chapped from the tears. I don't remember much of anything. For the first several months, I was in a deep fog of numbness and despair, unable to function above the level of sleeping and waking. I forgot to brush my teeth. I would go to the office without brushing my hair. It was struggle to get dressed each day. I was afraid to open drawers or cabinets, because everywhere I looked, there was Doug, and memories would flood my heart and I would begin sobbing again. It took more than a year for me to be able to admit that Doug was not going to need some things again, and to clear his medicine cabinet in the kitchen of all his pills, syringes, medical supplies, and other things. It took longer to clear his things from the bathroom medicine chest. I still have not emptied his drawers of his dresser, nor have I cleaned out his closet.

Take your time. Take each day with one goal: to find some peace for your heart. Take each hour as a time to do one kind, loving, and self-caring thing for yourself.

I would get up, cry, put on clothes, cry, go to the office, driving and crying at the same time (not safe!), come home, cry put on my PJs, cry, talk to someone on the phone, cry, and get in bed, and cry myself to sleep. And wake up crying.

So, almost two years later, I can share this: try to eat healthy foods each day. Take a vitamin. Drink lots of water. Talk to a friend or family member every day if you can. Find a good support group in your area. Find a grief counselor. There are wonderful resources here for reading and meditation.

Cherish and comfort your broken heart. I put my hands over my heart and speak to it as though it is a small child who has been injured in a fall. Even now, I need to do this sometimes.

Ask people who love you to help you, and tell them what you need. Hugs are very helpful, and talking about your feelings and the love you shared.

I know in your numbness and fog it is hard to just make it through the days. Come here when you can and share with us, and we will help you and share with you. I am so sorry for your pain. And so thankful you found your way here.

Blessings and Peace to you, dear Jo,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

Very good advice, fae! Esp. the taking care of yourself (even if you don't feel like it) because you'll need to be at your optimal best to give yourself your best chance at coping/adjusting. Also the telling people what you need from them, they'd welcome that because they're floundering, wanting to help but not knowing how to or what to say. Forgive those that say stupid things, realizing they haven't been through it and don't know what they're talking about, they're coming from a good heart but saying wrong things...thank God they have NOT gone through this because we wouldn't wish it on anyone!

And stand up for yourself. I really grew some moxy when I lost George, I had to, there was no one else to go to bat for me. Be respectful but hold to what you know to be true for yourself.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. When I lost George, I not only lost the love of my life and my best friend, but 1/2 our income, the person that worked on the car and cleaned behind the refrigerator, the person that left the porch light on for me, my sounding board, and at least a million other things. We can't expect to completely fill their shoes. So many things he was that I can never be or fill. Those empty spots are a testament to HIM that he was irreplaceable and meant the world to me...and always will!

[boogieman]

Hello Jo.

Just wondering how you are today. I imagine just like the rest of us.

But I do want to extend kind thoughts in your direction.

[kayc]

Jo, I'm thinking of you today...two weeks is such a short time to have to be facing Valentine's Day. You can msg. me any time, I'm here.

[liljo]

Hello Everyone,

I am making a brief post, just to get back in the "loop". I read a lot of posts daily, but just don't know what to write . I am not as "articulate " as all of you ! So, I had an idea today - maybe I could just write a sentence or two once in awhile ! Today was the 3 month anniversary of losing my husband Bill . (As you may have read on Chris's thread , I , like Chris and Heidi, am still struggling daily to go on, and am still REALLY messed up). I did finally find a counselor ( an hour from where I live) that may be able to help me ? My Appt. is Friday. I need her to help me with the horrible flashbacks that I suffer from . I don't believe though that she , nor ANYONE can help me with the loneliness I feel ?

I hope that all of you who were so kind to me in the first weeks , will forgive me for not writing each of you back. I guess you all understand that it's hard to do ANYTHING at all sometimes.

I'll be back again soon, and meanwhile I'll keep reading .

Love and hugs to you all,

Jodi

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Jodi

I'm one of those people who I feel receive more than u give out on this forum, but there is room around Fae's fire for us all. I hope that having counselling helps you. At the very least it means you can talk to someone. It's very early in your grief and I know most of us can't even remember the period after our beloved one died. I look back on my first year and even though it was filled with activity because I spent so much time helping our daughter with her newly born daughter and older one it's just a fog. And I think this is a blessing as it's filled with so much pain. My pain now, coming up to two years on MAY 4th is still very deep and sharp but I think it may be different though it's still hard to bear. This forum helps.

[mfh]

Hello Everyone,

I am making a brief post, just to get back in the "loop". I read a lot of posts daily, but just don't know what to write . I am not as "articulate " as all of you ! So, I had an idea today - maybe I could just write a sentence or two once in awhile ! Today was the 3 month anniversary of losing my husband Bill . (As you may have read on Chris's thread , I , like Chris and Heidi, am still struggling daily to go on, and am still REALLY messed up). I did finally find a counselor ( an hour from where I live) that may be able to help me ? My Appt. is Friday. I need her to help me with the horrible flashbacks that I suffer from . I don't believe though that she , nor ANYONE can help me with the loneliness I feel ?

I hope that all of you who were so kind to me in the first weeks , will forgive me for not writing each of you back. I guess you all understand that it's hard to do ANYTHING at all sometimes.

I'll be back again soon, and meanwhile I'll keep reading .

Love and hugs to you all,

Jodi

Dear Jodi, We welcome your posts...short or long as often as you wish to post. I am so glad you found a counselor and as I have told my clients who drive a distance to get to sessions, the drive to your counselor's office is a great time to ponder and focus on what you wish to talk about in the session. The drive home is a good time to think/feel about the session. Sometimes people go to counseling and within 5 minutes of the session's end are back in their offices at a job or picking up kids from school. You have some good time to ponder and mull. I think we help each other with the loneliness by listening and hearing and being there but you are right...the loneliness for the person we lost is what we have to live with and it takes time and work to learn how to adapt to that and to grieve that loss. I am glad you will be back. You can pop in and just say...."I am here reading" whatever works for you is perfect.

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Just keep reading Jodi, and coming back and realizing you are not alone, we all here have traveled/are traveling the same road. Some of us are just farther ahead on the journey. Does not make us smarter about this journey, just more experienced. There is no right and wrong in grief, and each of us grieves differently. It does not matter if you do not feel like posting, but just know that you can say anything you want to say here, we do "get" it. Sending hugs {{HUG}}

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Jodi,

Come here when you can.

I love what Mary said about the "drive time"to and from the counselor's office. What a perfect use of that time! She is one of our wise ones.

This is not my fire, but Marty's and Mary's fire. I just hang out here, gathering with everyone else for the warmth and comfort I find here. Really, it is our fire, I think.

You keep taking care,check locally for a grief support group, and know that the days will get easier as you go along.

Peace to your heart and *<twinkles>*

fae