enna Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 My heart is heavy today as I complete a week without Benji. The past year was filled with many happy memories having Benji around. Now I struggle with the silence that I first remembered when Jim died 20 months ago. I don’t know why I’m alone again but I am and I must learn to deal with it. It will take time. I am grieving. I must remember to breathe. Thank you for your support this last week. I am so glad we had a year together. Anne On Finding Benji.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 I love your story of Benji, Anne, and I'm so glad you wrote it while those memories are fresh. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to write it. You are in my heart. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 My dear Anne, I know how much you must be hurting and I am so sorry for the emptiness and loss you are feelig. I just got through reading Benji's story, I like that you put it in writing. You had a love-filled year with him! I don't know why it cant last longer, why some get their husbands and pets for a long time and others do not. What you wrote is what I felt about losing George, why did we only get to be married 3 years 8 months?! I know there's no use in asking "why", but it's natural and human to do so. What a transformation in your Benji, beautiful grooming and TLC made! In reading your story, it made me think of my own Arlie, for our story is so similar. Arlie housebroke in 2 weeks but his chewing went on for years, the first being the worst, and I only WISH he'd limited it to dish towels! But none of that stuff matters, HE does. And he's turned into a wonderful dog, just as your Benji did...although I must admit Arlie doesn't stay in another room while I eat, he's right there waiting for the "last bite"...it's uncanny how he senses when I'm coming to that because he'll get up and come sit in front of me just as I reach it! Our dogs are smart! A week without Benji must seem all too lonely and quiet, it's hard to believe at first, and we continue expecting to see them, our routines haunt us. My heartfelt prayers continue with you, dear Anne. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 Anne, I love your story. You certainly saw the soul of Benji through all that wild fur...what a sweet dog and friend. I am so sorry that your time with him was so very short. I know he and Jim are still with you though not as we wish...I carry you in my heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted January 27, 2014 Report Share Posted January 27, 2014 Anne, I truly think that Benji was a special little angel sent to you in time of greatest need for a friend, but like all angels, he had to return home. Luv, Karen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted January 28, 2014 Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 Oh, Anne, that is a truly beautiful story and a loving tribute to a wonderful spirit who played with you for a while. I am so glad of all the dogs, you and Benji found each other and got to play and love and enjoy your time. Your loving heart shines from your story, thank you for sharing it with us. namaste, fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 Thank you for all your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 28, 2014 Report Share Posted January 28, 2014 Anne, I know the ache and emptiness continues and even though unspoken, it's still very much at the forefront in your life. My thoughts continue to be with you as you grieve your darling little black-furred friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 Thank you for your kindness, Kay. It is hard being here and not attending to Benji. He filled my days with purpose. I know you understand my pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liljo Posted January 29, 2014 Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 Hi Anne, I am new to the site, I just read about your sweet little Benji. I am so sad for you. I don't have children, so when I have lost pets, it is especially traumatic. My little dog "Bumby" is the only thing that is keeping me going right now (after losing my husband two weeks ago,) But she is getting old, and I'm worrying about that already. I completely understand what you are going through. I'm so sorry Anne. Sending you Love, and hugs. Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted January 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 Thank you so much, Jo. My heart is so sad right now and every little bit of comfort is so helpful to me right now. \ I am following your posts and hold you in my heart as you grieve your loss. I like the name "Bumpy" - is there a story behind it? I love hugs from everyone - thanks. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted January 29, 2014 Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
liljo Posted January 29, 2014 Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 Hi again Anne, I had only read the short post about Benji, now I went back to read his whole story. Wow, how lucky and wonderful , that you found each other . It's so great that you both shared such good times in his short, precious life. Do you think you'll get another dog eventually ? When I lost one of my dogs ( years ago) to a rattlesnake bite : (, I cried everyday for one month, and then at exactly the one month mark, I found a little stray puppy ( my current dog "Bumby") , its like my other dog "sent" her to me to ease my pain ? Perhaps, when the time is right, Benji will send you a new companion ? Oh Anne, I hope I'm not saying anything wrong ? Since I am in a state of such deep grief, I'm not always sure about what I'm thinking or writing ? Love, Jo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted January 29, 2014 Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 Dear Jo, My good friend has a cat named Bumby who I have claimed as MY cat even though he happens to live with them. My friend was in Walmart a few years ago and passing the pet food she saw a picture of this cat and fell in love instantly. She went immediately to the kennel calling them on the way to make sure the cat was still there. When she arrived she learned that Bumby lost one leg to a car accident and as a result his owners turned him in 3 years previously. He was at the Humane Society for 3 years because no one wanted a 3 legged cat. Kathy brought him home to her other 2 cats that day and he is the most loving critter. And having 3 legs does not slow him down one bit. Sleep tonight and we shall see you tonorrow (or in the middle of the night if you can't sleep) Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 29, 2014 Report Share Posted January 29, 2014 A widower friend of mine, his dog is getting old, so a year ago he got a puppy so he wouldn't be completely alone when Miss Piggy passes. That is planning ahead! With all that Anne is going through medically and the concerns she had about being able to walk Benji, etc., I'm not sure she'd consider getting another dog right now, but who knows what the future holds. We're all hoping and praying with her that her health will get completely under control and she can have many good years ahead, she's become one of our favorite people here! I do remember those early days/months, maybe more, when I felt I couldn't even trust myself, my thinking, decision making, what I was doing, etc...the fog does settle eventually, but it's akin to taking your brain and smashing it hard, that's how my grief/loss seemed to affect me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 I am still struggling coming to terms without Benji. It has been over four months now. I cannot get myself to think about Benji without deep, deep pain. Each time I start to deal with it I push it aside. Does this feeling ever go away? How does one begin to accept the loss of your pet if you can’t even acknowledge the loss? Why am I angry? I feel that it was so unfare to have had him for only a year. I have heard the saying, “It is better to have loved than to not have loved at all.” I don’t see this with my Benji. I only feel pain right now and I am afraid (of the pain) to deal with it. I ask myself questions that I know the answers too but I don’t allow myself to accept them. I can’t get myself to read about pet loss because I don’t want to acknowledge that Benji is no longer with me. How does one take the first steps when you just want to stay frozen in time? You don’t want to allow the feelings to come for fear that they will never leave you. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ancientfurs Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 This previous Friday marked two weeks that I've been without my Buffy. You are not alone in your grief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 I am so sorry to hear about your Buffy. Such a long time to have your Buffy. How it must hurt. Do tell us more about how you are doing. It is so hard to lose these precious furbabies. It is good to know we are not alone. I understand about pushing the feelings aside. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 My dear Anne, you ask how does one take the first steps in coming to terms with this loss, and I think you already know that you do it simply by taking that first step. There is so much good help out there waiting for you to take advantage of it. I wish with all my heart that you would consider participating in the wonderful Pet Loss Support Group held at Hospice of the Valley in Phoenix. If you're unable or unwilling to drive into the heart of the city, maybe you could persuade a friend to take you? The group is the same one I facilitated for over a decade at HOV, so I know from my own experience how helpful it is, and I know personally the woman who now offers the group, as she was hand-picked by me to take over the group. (Mara Goebel is a certified Pet Loss Counselor, an animal lover through and through, and one of the most caring, compassionate individuals I have ever known; you can read some of her story here: Remembering Two Precious Souls.) The group meets on the first Saturday of every month, so you are only four days away from the next meeting. Won't you think about giving this as a gift to yourself? I know that Mara will be there to greet you with open arms and a very caring heart. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Anne, I have no doubt at all that you will deal with your loss of Benji when you are ready to do so. You have had a host of health issues before and since he died and maybe you have to get some space around those after this week's appointments. You can't do everything at the same time. I know you will do this in time. Your joy of your life with Jim and your pain around his death do not leave but you deal with it each day. I wonder when the time comes if the same won't be true about Benji. Your pain and your joy will both be there but ease up after you begin to tread into that pain. You did this with Jim's death and I know you can do it with Benji's. But when you are ready. We have all survived our pain and you will also I know that...just as you have with Jim's death. I would urge you to take pressure off yourself and get through this next round of medical tests and feedback. That uses a lot of energy in and of itself. Then when that is more clear, perhaps it will be time to walk into the loss of Benji and maybe you will choose to do that in a few sessions with a grief counselor given how much loss you have experienced in two years. As for the anger...maybe that is a starting place when you are ready. i.e. to make a little list of what you are angry about specifically...sort of a journal page. Anger is the other side of the coin of fear. When we get afraid we frequently deal with the fear by being angry. Perhaps walking into the anger will help you walk into the fear of grieving Benji's death. It is not fair that he died. That is for certain. Frankly I would be angry also. It seems like a pretty normal response after losing Jim and a lot of your health and energy. I just know you will do this in time. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Anne, I just read Marty's post and yes, I totally agree and think that pet loss group would be wonderful. Please do give it some thought so that you have more support on this grief journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted May 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Thank you, Marty. You had mentioned to me before about Mara and I appreciate it. I did read her story. I am working up to going to the group but I am just not ready to sit in a group yet. I know it would be a safe place and I want it to be about Benji and not other things i am grieving right now like my health or Jim. Mary, thank you for your concern. You are right, my health is a priority right now. I understand about anger and fear ~ My anger is that I don't understand why I was gifted with Benji for only a short time. I was a good mom and loved him so very much. Questions pop into our heads like did I miss something in his health care, am I being punished for something i did or didn't do during my life...I know the answers to these questions but they still bug me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted May 27, 2014 Report Share Posted May 27, 2014 Anne, I so understand. Of course you wonder and yet know those answers and still are bugged. I think if you go into a pet loss group, the grief will be about Benji. If you wait until you are not grieving your health or Jim...could be a while....Since this group only meets once a month and the first meeting will probably be sharing stories...it could be worth your while to give it thought. By the time you go back for the July meeting...you might be in a different place and you can assess that then. Starting with a group is a good way to go. I am not pressuring you but I do think it is worth considering...I also think that bringing up other losses will be something several people do. One does not have to focus on those losses but mention them and focus on Benji. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 28, 2014 Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Anne, My "King George" (to differentiate from my husband George...King George was my beloved cat that lived to 19) died one year after George did, eight years ago. My Lucky girl (whippet) died 5 1/2 years ago. And Skye, my precious granddoggy died almost nine months ago. I recently received their headstones, which I need to oil and put out on their burial places. I've been procrastinating I guess because I don't want to acknowledge it. I do understand. I also understand your anger. I have many more pets I've lost that I wasn't able to bury because they went off to die or as in Chappy's case, was eaten by a cougar. I feel bad for them that they didn't get a marker as I don't know where their bones lay, but they were no less important to me. Our pets are so precious to us, there are no words. I envy you living in Phoenix because you have such groups available to you, there's nothing here. And if I hear one more person say dogs don't belong in the house...I won't be responsible for my actions! I have loved my pets more than people, and for good reason! You will deal with this when you are ready. And I don't blame you for feeling angry. It's NOT fair! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted May 28, 2014 Report Share Posted May 28, 2014 Anne, I'm so very very sorry that you are having this pain. It isn't all about Benji I guess, though most of it is. It's because after the enormous loss of Jim you found so much comfort from grief in loving Benji and had him snatched away so very soon. And it was so unfair. I understand so well about not being able to go deep into it because the way you describe it is exactly how I still feel about the loss of my Pete. I haven't even now confronted it properly. I skirt around it. I suppose we have to just accept our feelings (or sometimes our avoidance of feelings). I'm sure the advice you are getting here is good. One thing I know, and that is that you did everything you could for Benji and made him a very happy dog in his too short life. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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