On Finding Benji

[enna]

Grief Recovery ~ reflections on Benji after 7 months

Does the pain ever go away? It had been so easy to express my deepest emotions to my dog, Benji. Now that he is no longer with me I carry the pain of his loss quietly, afraid to be judged by others and minimizing the impact of his loss. I miss him every day. He was a part of my life when I was in need of a living, breathing companion after Jim died. I try to make sense out of his short time with me and to this day I can’t.

I went to a no kill shelter looking for a dog in January of 2013. Something kept nagging at me to get a living, breathing animal in the house so I wouldn’t feel so alone. It was love at first sight. We both found one another at the same time. He had been brought to the shelter only three days before because his family could not keep him. There wasn’t even a sign on his cage yet telling me anything about this over grown haired, perky eared dog looking up at me. He was friendly enough but there was something in the way he looked at me that made me wonder if he was scared. The barking of other dogs seemed to frighten him. After talking with one of the volunteers I found out that he was a Shipperke/Poodle mix, about five years old, 22 pounds, and ready to be adopted. We spent some time in the play area and as he ran around he would return to where I was sitting and jump up on the bench next to me and just look at me. At that moment I knew he would be coming home with me. I knew nothing about this bred of dog ~ never heard of a Skipperke. Found out that they mostly live in and around ships killing mice and were very active!

It took a while for the two of us to bond. He displayed some nervousness by chewing and putting holes in my dishtowels, wash cloths, and towels. Every toy I brought into the house was destroyed in minutes as if that was what he was supposed to do with them. That stopped after a few weeks when he became comfortable in the house.

He was not completely house broken and peed a few times before I could get him to let me know when he had to go out. He loved his walks. He loved going to the circle (a small park in my community) to meet and greet other small dogs. Car rides were his absolute favorite and as we’d get ready to go out he’d beat me to the garage door. When I told him we were going to the park he would make this whimpering sound all the way there. I think that the only reason he loved going to the park was to pee on everything as we walked the circle.

I found out that Benji was an escape artist. I couldn’t open the front door even an inch but that he’d dart out. The neighbors soon became acquainted with Benji and would be on the look out for him. He did return to the house after running around for a while.

After a few months when I was at the park (we had to keep all dogs on leash since there were no fences) Benji decided he didn’t like the leash anymore and some how slipped out of his and took off. I was always able to coach him back to me. I tried three different leashes. Needless to say that played a number on my heart rate!

But that is not my full story. My Benji started to have seizures. After several trips to the Vet and overnight stays at the animal hospital exactly one year to the day I adopted him his seizures were just too hard on his heart. My home is once again quiet and my heart is heavy as I try to make sense out of Benji’s short stay with me. I often wonder if he was sent to help me through those difficult first months of Jim’s death and my diagnosis of heart failure.

I know I have written about Benji before. I guess it does help to keep memories alive. I love thinking about him, watching him run after tennis balls, greeting other dogs as we took our walks, finding him sitting on my bed when it was time to sleep, comfortable that when the doorbell rang he would sound off as if to say, “Be careful, I am mean and ferocious” ~ all the while his tail is wagging back and forth, and sitting in the kitchen waiting for anything that just might drop to the floor.

I was not a very disciplined pet owner. It was hard for me to let him know that I was the alpha in our house. When it came to treats I’d forget that he was a dog and share ice cream, shortbread cookies, popcorn (he’d catch every piece I’d throw at him), green beans, carrots, chicken, and a few other delectables.

Our pets are indeed part of our family and I know so many of us have lost more than one during our lifetimes. Let’s celebrate all those little creatures and give extra hugs to all those furry friends out there.

Anne

[mfh]

Dear Anne,

I am so glad you have chosen to share your feelings with us -those about Benji and any others you choose to share. Just as it helps all of us to talk about our beloveds...it helps to talk about our beloved dogs and other pets also. I suspect you were a wonderful mom to Benji hence your choice to share your people food with him. I miss doing that with Bentley now as I am rigid about his diet until we get it more clearly defined. I know you miss Benji and he surely was an angel sent to you and you to him. Thank you for sharing.

Mary

[kayc]

My dear Anne,

I know how it weighs on your heart, that empty feeling of having your best friend torn away from you. I still feel it for Skye...Sept. 1 it will be one year since he was gone. The fact that my son owned him doesn't make it easier...had I owned him I would have put him to sleep a couple of weeks sooner and perhaps spared him that horrible last day that he endured. I am haunted by the memory of his sounds, his gentle eyes, and the love he carried in his heart for his grandma.

I really think you were put here as much for Benji as he was for you. It was a two way street and you both needed each other. I know it's occurred to me, what if you'd picked a healthier dog, although you couldn't have known, but that thought is instantly dismissed for it was meant to be Benji, and you wouldn't have it any other way. I just wish it could have lasted longer. We feel they should last at a minimum 10 years, and hope for much much longer. But just like with humans, there's no real guarantee of number of years, and although it takes us by surprise when we lose one sooner, it does happen. I've often wondered if his previous owners knew of his seizures and that's why they surrendered him. If so, I'm glad he got a loving mom that literally made his last year the best.

I'm definitely not a very good alpha most of the time. I have spoiled Arlie rotten, but we've both enjoyed that too. But when I mean business, he knows it, and I'm sure Benji knew that too...he may have you spotted for a soft touch, but he also heard/sensed in your voice when he'd escape and give your heart a good run for its money. Arlie has always been good at escaping too, I don't have a fenced yard and he is not one of those dogs you can have outside hanging out while you stack wood, nope, he'd take off and come back just out of arm's length just to tease and taunt me. I've been taking him to the neighbor's to play with Sammy on a regular basis this year and that seems to help. I'd love to go jogging with him, am sure it'd be good for both of us, but I'm afraid a brisk walk is all I can muster.

You share memories of a very special time with Benji, and you will never forget that. It seems so danged unfair that he is gone so soon! And it is unfair. And it's okay to feel some anger about that. My heart cries with you as you experience your loss. I know it's a loss I will have of Arlie someday. It's hard having pets because we know we're on borrowed time. But I wouldn't trade one minute of life with any of the pets I've had, even though it's meant living with grief and missing them for years to come. After Arlie goes I will likely get another dog, just because I need a companion and I can't imagine living completely alone. But it will not be Arlie. No one can fill his shoes. No other dog will have his wonderful personality, his goofiness, his insatiable appetite (well another dog might have that), his loving capacity, there will never be another Arlie for me. And that is sad, because he is just the dog I need and wanted. I knew it when I first saw him in the newspaper, with his ears alert and a smile big enough to charm the socks off of me. I further knew it when I met him and saw how playful and vivacious he was. And the moment they let me know the other people backed out, I said he'd be coming home with me. Tomorrow they asked? No, NOW! I wasn't taking any chances with them messing up and giving him to someone else, he was meant to be MINE! And I know that's how you felt about Benji. He is an adorable dog. I say "is", not "was" because I believe he's waiting for you and will be there as you cross over, and will help you adjust to your new life beyond. You two were just meant to be.

And I'm sorry you hurt. I love you. Sending you virtual hugs...

[enna]

Thank you for your kind words Mary and Kay.

[MartyT]

[enna]

It says I have to enter a post ~ I agree with your graphic, Marty.

[MartyT]

And I think the graphic fits you perfectly, dear Anne! ♥

[kayc]

I think my whole heart must be all dog by now then.

[MartyT]

Mine, too, Kay ~ and I think we could say the same about several of our members here! ♥

[enna]

For those of us who have lost pets during our lifetimes ~

I heard your footsteps today.....
I turned to say good morning
You weren't there

I went for a walk today....
I took treats for you to enjoy
You weren't there

I went to bed tonight....
I waited to hear that you were settled in for the night.
You weren't there

I had a dream as I slept...
We walked, played, and snuggled together...
You were there
In my heart, in my memories, in my soul
You are there
There you shall always be

from Pet Loss Grief Support - Lightning-Strike's on FB

[mfh]

Lovely, Anne!

We have fog hanging in the valley today and the church bells as I walked this morning echoed through our village. A few other walkers out and about but it is quiet and cool though extremely humid in the valley today. Have peaceful moments today....everyone.

[kayc]

Anne,

Beautiful and so true! Even though it's one year tomorrow since we lost Skye (and I tear up just thinking about it), it doesn't seem possible it's been a year, it feels like maybe a month, and he comes to me often in my thoughts. I still talk to him, I still visit his grave in the back yard. I think some animals are just so special they stay forever inside of us.

[enna]

How my heart aches as I think of last Christmas sharing it with my rescue dog, Benji.

This has been a big “trigger” for me as I reflect on the past year going about my life without him. During the year that I had him, Benji suffered multiple seizures and finally a weak heart. I was blessed to have him only one short year. He came into my life and let me know that he picked me that January day. It makes no difference how long you have a pet ~ their unconditional love attaches to your heart and the pain is intense when you lose them.

[kayc]

Anne, I didn't say anything to you yesterday, but I thought about that, as I was telling you how Arlie was my incentive to do my best to try and breathe when all I felt like doing was going to sleep. I thought about how you'd lost your Benji and how hard it'd be for you this Christmas. I know I probably only have another three years, five at best, with Arlie, and I don't know how I'll survive his loss...I've lost dogs before and it's always hard, but he is my companion, and I think when we live alone, we get very attached to them...esp. when we get "the one" that seems so perfectly suited for us. Your Benji is adorable and I know you'll always miss him. I'm so glad you had him in your life, and you're right, it's not the length of time, it's the quality of relationship, and he needed you as much as you needed him. Thinking of you this Christmas and always. I understand your being alone with your memories at Christmas, I'm not feeling up to gaiety myself, so maybe it's just as well it snows.

[enna]

I cannot believe that it has been a year since my Benji was running around my house. There is a sadness that overwhelms me as I remember how much comfort he gave me. I find it helpful to go back to posts and reflect on the love an animal can give us.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/a-bill-of-rights-for-grieving-animal.html

[LadyCarrie]

Hi, Anne,

I've just discovered photos of your Benji. What a precious baby! I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelming sadness. I know it hurts fiercely at times.

Our neighbor has a little dog similar to Benji in looks. Her name is Cubbie. I wish Cubbie had the love you have for Benji. Cubbie got her name because she looked like a wee bear cub when she was a cute, cuddly pup. She's now four or five years old, and they leave her outside in inclement weather, and her hair is all matted and unbrushed. Do you suppose I can grab her, bundle her up, and send her to you to love? I don't really mean that, of course. I just know you would love each other though.

My looking at Benji makes me want to cuddle him.

I like the poem you posted on 31 August 2014, but it surely tugs at my heart. I hate hearing my Ashely's footsteps, because she's not really here, except in my heart. The footsteps I hear seem so real---and then I remember, and my heart sinks.

I will go now to the site that you posted.

Blessings,

Carrie

[kayc]

Anne,

I am sorry for how sad you are missing Benji. I couldn't believe it's been over a year since Skye died too...09/01/13...time seems to mean nothing anymore. It's been 9 1/2 years since George passed, how can that be? It feels both like an eternity, and yesterday. I'm sure you are feeling that way too. Missing someone, furry or otherwise, is really hard. It's nearly 4:30 am and I haven't gone to sleep. I wonder why I'm here sometimes...tired of being so alone. Usually I feel better in the daytime, but not always. I wish I could be there and give you a hug, you of all people, don't deserve to be feeling down. You're always there for everyone else. I don't understand God's decisions any more...if He indeed has anything to do with it...it's funny how our faith can be both strong and depleted at the same time, but that's how I feel. I know, feelings have nothing to do with it, yet we do have to live through them, don't we. I think of Mary, knowing she has Bentley on borrowed time and it reminds me, Arlie will only be here 3-5 years at the most...I know all too well how quickly that goes. I wonder what I will do without him, how I'll survive. I know we do, I just also know it's hard...not anything we wish. I've often wondered why you only got Benji a year, it's not fair, I just don't understand it. I know they are a gift to us, each day they are alive, I just wish it could last longer.

You and I've both learned it helps not to look too far ahead, and to regard them as a gift for however long we have them, we know our dogs won't live nearly as long as we'd like, yet somehow that knowledge doesn't seem to help us when it comes down to it, does it.

My heart goes out to you, again, I wish I were there to give you a hug, and share my Arlie with you.

Love,

Kay

[R.Everit55]

Dear Anne,

I'm sorry for the loss of you're precious fur baby. I'm not sure when or how you lost Benji. But I'm very sorry. Bless your heart.

❤️

Butch

[littlebee]

Anne, He's beautiful

I see why you love him so much.

pati

[enna]

And out of nowhere, I had the biggest 'grief burst' tonight. I needed Benji so much just to be here so I could bury my face in his fur. There is no explanation ~ just a deep sadness that he is not here. Who could not love a face like this? 

 

[kayc]

Oh Anne, hugs to you!  We never do get over them, do we?  Your Benji was adorable and just what you needed.

[MartyT]

We know that feeling, dear Anne, and our hearts hurt with you.  ♥