Girlfriend Wants A Break 7 Months After Her Brother Died

[Topz91]

Hello everyone! I am new to this site and happy I found it. This will probably be long and dragged out but I haven't been able to talk with many people regarding this situation and I just want to get some thoughts out and possibly get some feedback.

I will start with how it all started. I was 21. She was 20. We ran into each other at the club. There was instant attraction between the 2 of us but this was no love at 1st site type of deal. To be honest I was just being a "horny 21 year old". We started messaging immediately after the club night. We started hanging out often but as far as dating, this girl wasn't my type. Rocker, tattoos, nose ring(I know I said immediate attraction... She's got a rockin body and beautiful face, she's a model) but as far as dating, wasn't my type. I was always into the "cheerleader" type girl. This all changed after about a month of seeing each other often. One night after having a little get together at my house me and her laid in my bed. Instead of "gettin it on" (this didn't happen until 2 months of actually seeing each other) we talked. About everything. Our past what we want in our future. Our secrets. We laughed so much and it felt great to be able to share whatever I wanted without holding anything back or feeling shy or insecure about it. I was 100% myself and she was also. It was an amazing feeling to be their with her. I fell in love with her that night. Shortly after we made it official we were in a relationship. My friends were very surprised as I Wasn't in a relationship for years and always said they weren't for me.(I've had horrible past relationship experience, cheated on, dumbed for x's, etc) But none of that mattered, I loved this girl and being with her made me happy. The next 6 months were some of the best of my life. My love only grew throughout this time as did hers. We were the couple other couples looked at and were jealous.(not trying to sound big headed but this really happened all the time.) we were always the life of the party. The fun couple to be around who never argued and always made others happy and involved everyone and didn't distance ourselves. All her good friends became mine and all mine became hers, and they all said how perfect we were together.. However we did look odd in public as our styles are complete opposite. But 2 minutes of talking to us and you know that there's a chemistry not many can match. Anyways... Sorry I'm babbling on and haven't even got to the reason I'm posting this. About 4 months after we started dating I had to move back in with my parents, to save money to pay off some school loans. It sucked because they lived about 45 mins away from her. But I still seen her almost every day. I stayed at her place a lot. One day she called and said she wanted me to come stay with her after work. I said okay and laid down for a nap as she worked for a couple more hours. About an hour later I got a phone call from her. Still half asleep I answered and on the other side was her, bawling, screaming, "he's dead he's dead" I could not make out much but I do remember hearing that...she had found her brother, dead.

Throughout those 6 months she told me how close these 2 were. He was her best friend. "Her other half" they were practically twins. She told me if anything ever happened to him she would die as it would be to much to bare. So after hearing that over the phone I knew everything was about to change drastically. While on the phone and she cried at what she was seeing I told her to go outside until the ambulance got there (she called 911, her dad, than me) I stayed on the phone until they got there then she had to go. I sat in my room in shock for a few minutes. Then I got in my car and started driving out there. I wasn't going to just show up to the scene as I knew that wasn't my place unless she asked. I decided to stop at a gas station about 10 mins from her house and wait there in case i was needed I wasn't 45 minutes away. Shortly after she sent a text asking me to come over. That she would be home soon. She came home and cried. Got mad. More crying. Stared into space. Nonstop. I was there the whole time. I didn't say anything. Just listened. It was a rough confusing few nights for her, it was sad to see her so confused and lost.

About 2 weeks later things started changing. She seemed to be handling herself fine. She's go out and would have fun with our friends. She wanted to be around me pretty much the same as always. There were times she would still get emotional but she still would go out and do things and was pretty much the same person(I read online that something this tragic can change a person completely and it was what I was afraid of) this would go on for months. Some nights she would want to be alone and I understood most of the time (not all the time as this did bring out our 1st argument, only over text. Which I am ashamed of because it was all my fault. We have never actually argued in person still to this day) pretty much we had good/great days or weeks, then a few bad days. Nothing crazy that effected our relationship. I was always there when needed. Did all I could to help her get through the day and put that beautiful smile she had on her face. She once even told me if it wasn't for me, she would be dead. It was scary to hear that but also made me grateful to know how much of an impact me being there was to her...she really means the world to me.

Well for 7 months after her brother passed things between "us" were fine, but she was still in a fog, depressed, no drive. All I could do is be there when needed (which was often) and help make her day a little brighter. We had our 1 year anniversary. It was a very special night to the both of us.

It was New Year's Eve and she decided to throw a big party at her house. Everything went great, a lot of friend showed up and everyone had a good time including her. The next day(New Years) I spent most of my time in her room watching college football and she stayed In the front room with her "sister". I forgot to mention her brother got a girl pregnant before he passed and she had his baby. This alone is another full story. She calls this girl her sister now as she has had her brothers child, they are close. If I would have known after this day things would change completely I would have been holding her all day. But no, I stayed In her room and watched football then went home as she was going to her moms for the night.

The next 2 weeks I only seen her once. She was very short and not herself while texting. She did pick up a 2nd job and started going to the gym as a new year resolution. So I knew we wouldn't see as much of each other but it was good for her. She said having a busy schedule would keep her mind off her brother as much. I support this, but still not seeing her that much and the change in the way she acted got to me. We ended up getting into an argument about it. Nothing big, and again, threw text. I finally got her to come out with some friends, she tried being herself(funny, loving, outgoing) to others she seemed it, but to me, I could see a difference. Another week went by without much communication. I ended up going over to her house and stayed a night. There was definitely something different. She didn't want to cuddle(she always loved to cuddle even months after her brother passed) she didn't say much while I was there. I assumed she just had a long day, working 2 jobs then working out. I tried not to dwell on it to much but It got to me. I text her about it and how distant she was becoming. She responded with a long text insinuating we need "a break" those words tore me up as I have read posts On here and that normally mean. The end. She stated she wanted time to figure herself out and make herself happy instead of relying on me to be happy. It all happened so quickly. I told her I was fine with giving her space and time to do what she had to. She said she wouldn't be able to go a month or anything without seeing me. I told her about these posts I've read and that breaks normally lead to break ups and that being distant for to long could lead to our feelings for one another fading. She told me that wouldn't happen. That she loved me and didn't want anyone else but me. But at this time needed to work on herself. I left her alone for a day but still confused messaged her again about it. Her response this time was completely different.

She was acting crazy, cursing saying if I can't handle a break than we will have to break up. I knew I shouldn't have text her but me being a guy. I did. The next day she brought up actually breaking up. Said a relationship was to much on her right now and that it hurts her that this decision hurts me. She said she isn't looking for any other guys, hasn't been cheating, just wants to work on herself. Still confused I had no choice but to stop making it worse and just accept her decision. I told her id give her a few weeks and then see how she feels. She said okay.

It's only been 5 days, but 5 days of absolute no contact. We have never gone over a day. I talked to her mom (via message over Facebook) and told her I was going to keep my distance as she asked, and that if she ever felt she wanted to talk to me she could(she thinks I hate her for this) i told her Mom I don't hate her and I'm not mad at her. She sent a very long message back about how much she appreciated all I've done for her daughter and in detail described the pain the 2 of them were going through. She has a very good way with words. She told me she thought me and her daughter were meant for each other, just not right now. She said it could be only weeks or even months before things change. So now I'm stuck with a decision...

Either delete everything about this girl out of my life and move on. Which seems to be the feedback for most of these posts. Or give her her space and continue on with my life, stay in contact her and there until she eventually wants to work on a stable relationship again. If she ever even does. Both options suck. I've done the delete from life thing now twice and it is a lot easier than sticking around. But the thought of no future with this girl is devastating. I'd wait a year without seeing her if it meant we'd be together in the future. I don't want to wait for nothing. But I don't want to give up on her. As of now my plan is to wait a few weeks (2-3) then send a simple hello, how are you. Just to show i still care and don't want to be completely out of her life. I don't plan on bringing up any "what about us" type conversation or "can I see you". I'll let that hold off till she is ready to. If this goes on for months I'll eventually just move on. But I'm not giving up right away. I know almost all these stories after the "break" it's over for good. I don't think mine will follow in this trend. I will keep anyone interested updated. I probably left so much out and sorry if grammar isn't to great as I'm typing fast on an iPhone. If there's any advice or questions feel free to ask. I could use it. Thanks for reading

[kayc]

Hi, I read your post and I'm sorry to hear this story repeated once again and you in such pain...I know all too well how it feels and it sucks big time.

My advice is to give her complete space, no texts, nothing...being away from you will naturally create curiosity and mystery that one text from you could ruin...she will wonder about you, your interruption into her life would ruin that. Second, she needs you to respect her request for space. In doing so it honors and respects her. She knows she is taking the risk of losing you and is apparently willing to take that risk. If at any point you do not feel you can "wait" then you should move on. You will reach a breaking point at some point and that will be the time to consider yourself first. Hopefully she will miss you and want you back before that point. Even though every situation/person is different, it is doubtful that will happen based on past experiences of the many threads on here. But still, one never knows unless you see it through. If she means as much to you as you say, you may owe it to yourself to give it that chance.

When one goes through a huge impacting loss such as she has, it does change one for good. You are never the same again. In many ways it can change one for the good as they have been through it and have a deeper understanding and can relate to others who've suffered loss and know what to/not to say/do. However, it can also change one for the worse, if they continue negatively and wallow in self-pity, etc., that would be a situation where I'd say they changed for the worse. But most people go through stages and don't stay there.

One thing I want you to know is this is not your fault. There isn't something you could have said or done to have changed the outcome. None of us are perfect and can't predict what'll happen and we all second guess ourselves and wonder, what if we hadn't said this or had responded differently to that...the truth is, nothing you could have said or done would have changed anything. This is about HER grief journey and has nothing to do with you...it just affects you, big time. I'm sorry, it's hard, I know. Feel free to continue to come back here and post along the way, it's hard to go through by yourself and your friends will likely urge you to move on and will not understand. Listen to your gut, if you do feel it's time to move on, you'll know...until then, give it your best shot. In the end you'll know you did your best, regardless of how it turns out ultimately.

[mfh]

Dear Topz,

I am sorry for all the pain you and your girlfriend have experienced in light of her huge loss.

I believe at the end of your post, you answered your own question when you said you would like to wait 2-3 weeks and check in with her without mentioned "us" and that seems wise. You also said you do not want to wait a year unless you know the two of you will be together then. As you know there are no guarantees and if you put conditions on waiting, that is to no avail.

Serious relationships are in it for the long haul..which means a commitment to the person when things are tough. Right now things are tough for you two and it seems checking in with her in 3 weeks to see how she is doing, is wise. She is not in any place right now, it seems, to make decisions about her life. She is grieving a huge loss and needs to do her journey through this and this journey is also leading to her looking at herself and her life. She has requested space and so that is what you do. And, like you said, if months go by and it is clear to you that this is over, you move on. If it is clear to you that she still is interested, you will then have to determine at that time, what to do. Right now is what you can deal with and right now means minimal contact via checking in. Then a decision down the road. I wish you the best with this. It is so very difficult. I know.

[kayc]

From what I've seen, even checking in in two weeks could be construed as "you can't give me space like I requested!" and could set her off or push her further away. Of course the concern is always that the feelings will fade if you let it go too long, it's hard to know what balance to strike. I want to reiterate that this is not your fault and no matter what could have the same outcome, but I would continue hope unless/until you know otherwise.

[Topz91]

Thanks @Counselor and @Kayc for your input. Both of you bring valid points. I may hold off on messaging her for closer to a month. If by then any conversation at all is unwanted than I dont see a point in waiting around. If it goes bad, I'll back off until she messages me and just try to move on from there. By what her mom has told me (the facebook convo) she doesnt want me out of her life. Just wants a "step back": for now. Her mom and her are very close as she stays almost everynight there recently. So feedback from her mother has helped also, however I do not want to contact her to much on the subject as she to is going through a rough time also. (which is why I have decided to post on here instead) On a side note....my birthday is in 2 days, I'm wondering if I hear from her at all. I will try not to count on it. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks for your time to listen and help out.

[mfh]

Wise move to just step back and give her space. Early on she may not have dealt with this loss...that happens. Now she is. I would also support you letting go of any hope that she will contact you on your birthday. But do celebrate in some way. Those are important also and I wish you a happy birthday. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

You're wise not to continue contacting her mom...someone else on this section contacted friends or family and got negative response from estranged person because of it. Unfortunately, family/friends "talk" and let the person know of the conversations you have, which can be resented.

I sincerely hope you can have a happy birthday, I know how hard this is. And if you can wait 3-4 weeks before contact, that would be good...I do know how hard that is as it's natural she'll be on your mind continually. It's good to keep in mind that that is not necessarily the case for her...her BROTHER is continually on her mind and her time frame will feel differently than yours. Grief sometimes distorts persepective.

Right now I hope you'll take some time to reconnect with family, friends, hobbies, etc, keep active and busy and try to distract yourself from this situation to give yourself some time before you make any decisions about where to go from here. I wish you the best, and do feel free to vent, share your feelings, concerns, etc...been there.

[Topz91]

Great news!!! She text me happy birthday right at midnight!! finally a good nights rest!

[kayc]

Happy Birthday indeed!

[Topz91]

Well, Im back with an update, at 12am she text me happy birthday with a bunch of hearts. I responded with a thank you and a heart and went to bed and left it alone at that.(figured it was the smart thing to do) Buuuut, the next day seeing she gave it the thought to text me especially right on the dot of 12am I figured Id try the casual talk early. I asked her how she was doing(it has only been a week since speaking to her at this point) She responded normally and we actually text back and forth throughout the day. I didnt mention anything about "us" or how much I miss her. Just casual talk, actually made alot of jokes, which she laughed at...well through text anyways. The next day since everything was going ok at this point we continued to talk. The night before I mentioned going out with some friend and said she could come if she wanted. My friends ended up having to work so I text her letting her know plans were cancelled. We text again throughout the day and things were going well once again. But, it all changed when I got on facebook... throughout the week I had seen alot of her friends talking about this big party at her bestfriends house(someone Im actually friends with now also) and around 11pm I seen a picture of her and a bunch of people at this party. Which for some reason just drove me insane! I knew I had to leave her alone but I just couldnt. At the time I wasnt thinking straight. I was filled with jelousy that she could find it in her to hang out with all these people who have done nothing for her but refuses to see me. So I text her about it. Said I wanted to see her...all that crap.(the stuff your not suppose to do) Her response was she couldnt talk to me right now. She's still all F'ed up(not drunk from the party but over her brother) and couldnt see me. I spoke with her friend(who also is a good friend of mine who was there,he lived with me fore a couple weeks) He said she was acting perfectly normal at the party? Well anyways after the horrible night and finally falling asleep I text her the next morning apologizing. She said it was okay, she understands that this is very hard on me. Said she really does care about me and does not want this break to be permanent just right now cant be with me or ANYONE(exact words) and that she doesnt understand why I was apologizing when she was the one who should be. I told her I was just confused and Id back off for awhile, which I have now for the last 2 days....back at square one it seems. I got a membership at the gym with 3 other friends and am now back to practicing in the studio(hip hop dance) It has helped keep my mind off her. This time Im going to leave her alone until she text me. No planned date or time to message her and just hope for the best. She still has on facebook we are in a relationship and she gets on facebook and posts everyday so I know she hasnt changed it on purpose. I really think if I can give her this time that it will work out. It just sucks not seeing her, and hoping her feelings for me dont fade away. Its been 3 weeks since ive seen her. Ill keep you updated if anything else happeneds. Thanks for reading and all the feedback(even though I did not follow some of the good advice :/ )

[kayc]

I know how hard this is on you, I've been through it. I also know the best surefire way to totally kill off any chances is to come down on her for not seeing you. Try to remember that this makes no sense whatsoever to you...and it may make no sense whatsoever to her either...it just is what it is. It is the grief doing this, not her personally, although it FEELS very personal to you! You're going to have to be your most mature self and THINK before doing anything, I mean really think, don't just react, or it will result with her cutting you off completely and forever. I realize that given enough time with enough of this treatment, you may end up thinking that's best after all, but you'll want to give it time to know you gave it your best shot and see if this relationship can be salvaged before calling it quits, and I think you agree.

Remember to come here and vent, not to her or her friends/family.

[Topz91]

Well, the last few nights I have been fine. Since going to the gym multiple hours out of the day since this does keep my mind clear Ive gone home tired and fall asleep quite easily. One thing ive done and I dont know if this is weird or not is before I go to bed Ill look on her facebook and seeing that she still has "us" in a relationship it gives hope that maybe this will only be temporary. Ill check that at night and normally it makes me feel better about this situation. Well last night I checked and she changed it It was like I got kicked in the chest. I wanted so bad to text her, but I thought about what you had said and just turned my phone off. It was a rough night. To make things worse coming in to work today (I normally dont work Fridays but the workload has increased and I offered to come in) while getting out of the car I seen her drive by (there is a backroad she can take that passes my work that she takes to get to work) I normally dont see her because im already working when she drives by. But today she drove right by me. She was like 10 feet away. I didnt look at her car directly but I seen it and I know she had to of seen me as I was the only one in the parking lot. Man this is not easy... well, gotta get back to work. Just figured Id drop by and leave a little of whats on my mind.

[kayc]

I'm so sorry, I know how hard this is. There was a site my ex-fiance and I both belonged to and I never did check to see if he changed from "in a relationship" or not, but we are far from in one. Sometimes it's those little things that hit us like it's finality. I hope things change for you, I know how hard this must have felt.

[Topz91]

Hello everyone, Im here with another update. So, last Friday was Valentines Day which made the day rough to begin with. After alot of thought the day before I ended up buying her flowers, her favorite kind and had a friend of mine who passes her house on his way to work drop them off at her door. I knew she wouldnt be up that early. I didnt leave a name or message on the flowers I just really wanted her to have them as they normally are hard to get during this time of year unless its a holiday. (White Daisies). I was nervous as after he said he dropped them off I thought this was a bad idea. But It was already done. Later that afternoon I got a text from her saying Happy Valentines Day with a kiss. I told her to have a great day and ended things with that. I figured she text me because she got the flowers. However about 2 hours later she text me asking if I sent the daisies. I said I did. She said she loved them and it made her day. It was the response I was hoping for. We text throughout the rest of the day. She was actually being herself somewhat in these text which was a relief. We continued texting throughout the next 2 days. Then last night happened. I ended up sending the "want to see you" text, which was rejected. And from there I just had to get to the bottom of this. I could not continue to sit in limbo on this wondering what was going on, or if Im wasting my time sitting around waiting for this girl who has clearly changed so much. Her answers were not what I was wanting to hear(however they are what I expected). She wasnt being rude and nasty with me this time atleast. She went on to say I dont deserve to be treated this way. That she didnt deserve me and the changes she is making is what she has to do. I hated hearing all of this but I had one last question before I put an end to this waiting and tried moving on myself. I asked her if she was even still in love with me. She said she still loved me but was no longer IN love with me and that she hopes things change with the way shes feeling. After reading that, I think is the 1st time I actually BROKE down. I have cried alot over the last month but this was alot different. I knew I lost her and what I was going to have to do. I left my phone at home and went and just drove around for a couple hours. No music no noise just drove. I didnt even really think much, just stared out the window. It was probably one of the worst nights of my life. Ive been somewhat of a zombie most of today. Which isnt good because I work for a Dr and deal with patients everyday. I deleted everything I have from her last night, facebook, her phone # all our pictures. (also all her family and close friends as this will only involve more of her in my daily reutines and make it more difficult to get over her) So, the healing process begins today I guess. Its going to be a rough couple months for sure. But I could not just sit around and belittle myself waiting for something that I didnt know would ever happen. And once her feelings on me where made clear I knew this is what has to be done. I wish I had a happy ending to this story but as of now, this is what we are left with. Ya know its so crazy how a month and a half ago she was wanting to have kids with me and move out of the country and just us 2 get away from it all. To, I dont love you, I cant be with you. Makes you not really want to open your heart up to anyone anymore as they can within a day, break it. I'll continue to come back and leave some updates as to how Im doing just for any others who are put in this situation. Probably wont return as often as I will have alot of working on myself to do. But thanks for all the advice and Ill be back eventually to let everyone know how things are going.

[kayc]

I am sorry. But you are right, this is day one of healing. We can't begin to heal while we are still hoping they'll change their mind. We can't move on while we still hold out hope. But we almost have to let it run its course because otherwise the whatifs will haunt us. You did all you can do and know you gave it your best, that's all you can do.

In answer to your question, you can't ever know 100% how something will go...love is a risk. But sometimes it turns out so wonderful that it's worth all of the other risks/losses we've had...it was that way with my late husband and I. And that makes it worth it all. I hope someday you have that.

[Topz91]

Thanks Kayc! You have been a big help in this long 2 months of confusion, and I do hope one day I find what you and your late husband had if it was worth all the pain you have been through, it must have been great. Kind of crazy but Ive actually been in a very good mood today? Maybe its just the closure I needed? I mean ill have a sad moment here and there but overall ive been fine? Kind of strange as just 2 days ago I was zoned out in the dumps the worst Ive every felt and now just fine with everything...even been going to sleep without any troubles the last 2 night?

[kayc]

I'm glad you're sleeping better! My husband and I had the most amazing relationship, we clicked from the very beginning, understood each other, had faith in each other, went together very well, complemented one another. We had a passion unsurpassed, and he was my best friend, lover, companion, everything. I do hope you'll hold out for a relationship like that. I read the quote the other day that you should not look for the person you think you can spend the rest of your life with, but rather the person you cannot live your life without. That is how it was with me and George. Our wedding day (and the days my kids were born) were the happiest days of my life!

Sometimes one door has to close in order for another to open. Look forward to what lies ahead!

[Topz91]

How you and your husband were is exactly how I would explain us since day one until 2 months ago! Very unfortunate that she woke up one morning and changed completely. Very shocking and hard to believe even still that we are broke up for good as 2 months ago I didnt think anything would tear us apart. But, im young and have alot of life to live so Im trying to just keep my head up and do things that make me happy, and so far its been working

[kayc]

I can't imagine my husband ever being anything but single-minded in his purpose, and his purpose was in having me and making me happy. It was love at it's finest.

Keep believing, it'll happen for you.

[Pollara]

Hi Topz. I am wishing you the best. I can say to you that you made the right decision. And this takes courage really. I couldn't do it myself. But you do deserve something better. Let's say it was a bad timing for you.

[Jenna2]

Topz, I feel for you. The only thing you could have done was back off, but after you've backed off far enough, you're no longer with each other at all. I wish I could point you towards a solution, but I don't see one.

(Minor derail here) hi Pollara, haven't seen you in a while. Why don't you join me here: .

Jenna

[Topz91]

Hello everyone, it's been awhile since I've posted on here. Figured I'd give a quick update...well, a lot has changed over the last 6 months. I've been doing great, I still have off moments were I catch myself thinking about her. Nothing that ruins my day or gets me very emotionally. Hasn't been that way for at least the last month or 2. I believe I am finally over her as I honestly don't think I will ever want to be with her again, even if the opportunity presented itself. As for her, she has been dating another guy now for awhile... a month after we broke up she had a new boyfriend. I also found out about a month ago that she is pregnant! My mother is the one who told me as she is still friends with her on facebook. Surprisingly I didn't get upset at all...it was actually like the last bit of closer I needed. It did strike me that she did go through a phase after her brothers death where she really wanted to have a baby with me and start a family. But I just didn't think either of us was ready and had a feeling that her brothers death had a big influence on why she wanted a baby which to me is the wrong reason to have one. This may be a reason she dumped me, who knows. All those months wondering what happened when in reality...it doesn't really matter, it's all just apart of the past. I believe I was meant to be with her for comfort after such a huge loss. That if I wasn't there, she may not have made it through those 1st few months. She seems like she is doing a lot better and I'm actually happy for her. Hard to believe, seeing she hurt me so horribly and I dealt with it for what seemed like forever. But I know it wasn't intentional, and that she is a good person. Like everyone always said, was just bad timing. Now that I'm not in that dark place, I can see that. Relationship wise I've been seeing someone for the last few months, nothing serious. Don't plan on getting very serious anytime soon either. I realized there is a lot I want to accomplish with myself still, before I give my all to someone else. I'm actually moving to Key West at the end of the year to live on a boat with an old friend of mine. Living on the ocean is a dream of mine and I figured why not make that happen while I'm still young!

It took me awhile to come back to this site, I know its made for support, but I was afraid to read my old posts in that I didn't want it to bring me back to that dark place I was the last time I was on here posting. But, I'm glad I did, for all of you going through similar situations...it DOES get better, even when it seems it wont.

[kayc]

I am so happy to hear of where your mindset is now! You're right, you get to the place where it doesn't matter, it's then that you know you've healed. And you're also right in holding out for the right reasons before having a baby. I'm excited about your upcoming venture, you're so wise to do that while you're still young!